Blurred future

I've been in a deep dilemma in regards to work and future after I arrived here in Puerto. You know me, dilemmas love to stick with me.

Dilemma #1: Well, a friend of mine opened again the idea of me applying for a hospital in Manila again (and thinking about it again made me remember my countless "pending" applications in some hospitals there). I tried to be cool about it since I won't have anything to lose if I won't get accepted in that hospital for the 2nd time (my first application there is still PENDING) since I still have my work here in the province (but honestly, I really want to work there). 

Dilemma #2: Then, when my IELTS exam results were released last night and I tried to assess my scores and qualifications online, it didn't met with the criteria of CIC, which made me me a bit disappointed.

Dilemma #3: To make up for the disappointment, I looked up for some instructions on how to apply for New York's State Board. Gahd, the entire processing will cost me an entire fortune. My savings can only equate for a hundred bucks, and that's isn't enough to pay for all the processing fees. Who would've thought that instead for looking for a job, you'll end up spending all your money, and that is just for the verification and authentication of your acad papers. Ughh.

Honestly, I kinda feel that I'm such in a hurry to move out of the country. I have my reasons why I wanted to leave, but I think it would take years for me to do so.

Now, my contractual work in the hospital seems to come to an end. I dunno, but it seems like that (even though I would be transferred to OR/PACU by next month). By June, it's a whole new battle for promotions and I really really dunno if I should apply for Nurse 1 or not. Being a Nurse 1 has a lot of pros, including a raise in my salary, but I don't feel like I'm at par for a Nurse 1 position. I'm still on my 4th month yet I'm vying for a higher position already. I don't seem fine about it. All I'm thinking was the raise in salary, but my qualifications? Na-ah. I don't think so.In addition, regular employees can't easily file their leave! HAHAHA. I'm planning to return to Manila by November!!! XD

Any, I was thinking of a back-up plan in case that my contract would end during the promotions period (or if I won't apply for a regular position aka Nurse 1). And the only thing that's on my mind is applying again in Manila. Ugh, Sorry, I have a lot in my mind and I can't sort it out that well.

I dunno if you, dear reader, would understand everything that I wrote. But lemme tell you, these kind of dilemmas are prevalent among nurses. Ugh, I think I would sort these things out when I get to know about our meeting's agenda (they would surely touch the topic about

 us contractual nurses), and when Mommy arrives from US. Any, I would still send my papers to my friend, whatever happens. And, maybe I should sleep all these disappointments firsts. Honestly, I want to process my papers already but I happened to be here in the province, and that I could only do as much, Ughhhhh!

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Thanks Spotify for accompanying me. Haha

Training kemps #3

So our second week of post-grad training has just ended earlier and we'll be having our clinical duty this Monday. I'm excited but at the same time challenged because I need to act like a professional now, unlike my student nurse days that I still have to ask my clinical instructor about this and that. Phew! I can do this!

Monday
BLS didactics day. I already had my AHA BLS license last August that's why I wasn't enthusiastic enough to participate in our DOH BLS training. In the afternoon, I joined forces with Jam for our BLS practice. Gahd, I feel like my hands were beaten by paddles. I really compressed the dummy well and even did a mouth-to-mouth resuscitation! I can't imagine if I had to do it in real life. Well, we do have bag-valve mask in the hospital, and I should bring a CPR face shield with me anytime (if ever there would be any emergencies).

I stayed up all night to review for BLS and edit for our group report.

Tuesday
BLS practicals day. Jam and I activated our GC-ness and reviewed together. We thought we did well in our adult BLS but we forgot some important actions that's why our grades wasn't that outstanding. I think I sticked with Jam the whole day. :D Even though my hand hurts, I still finished our group's ppt til 1pm.

Wednesday
Group report day. Haha, I dunno why I felt nervous before the report. XD

Thursday
LAAAAATE! I woke up at 7:30 am and our retdem was at 8am! I had to rush to LCP without even taking a bath. HAHAHA. I arrived there at 8:29 and they wasn't even starting yet so I still had time to review. I was not in my usual self because I feel toxic with what we've done in the past few days. I did quite good in CTT, okay in suctioning and in ET care, but worse in Tracheostomy care. I'll do better in our actual duty, promise.

We were dismissed early so I still had time to meet with Cindy :) Again, I stayed up late again because of Jam (Viber-mates) and Allegiant (Tris died. KFLY.)

Friday
Last day!!! We had our post test and I luckily got a decent grade. I was just a point higher than my seatmates. Before our class started, Jam and I were talking about Irish and Mica. I feel like they're acting strange recently, well especially when I don't go with them (including Dean and Cyruz). Well honestly, I have my own choice whether to join you or not. Acting like owning someone in your group is really childish. I'm an independent person and I could hang out with anyone. I open myself to a lot of friendship possibilities. Then, I also feel that the four of them were much tighter now compared the past week I'm with them. I'm not the kind of person to just ride or force to include myself in a tight group of friends. I can go on my own, and I already proved that to myself. I don't need friends to survive (in our training), all I need is myself. I don't need to justify myself to them because we're not kids anymore, they just have to accept that sometimes I get to join them, and sometimes with other groups :) Another one, I was soooo irritated with my right seatmate. (Oh yeah, my weird seatmate with a sinister gaze and smile.) Since elementary to college, I don't want anyone to lay an arm or an elbow in my arm rest (or armchair) since they're depriving me some space to write and I don't want to rub elbows with anyone. If you need proof, go ask Iraki or JA. I moved my chair a lot of times and he still chased for my armrest. Gaaaah, I was already losing my patience earlier that I already cursed in Twitter. I really wanted to punch him in the face.

In the afternoon, we had our tour in the hospital and then we had our Fluids and Electrolytes update. Haha, I was able to answer about Trosseau sign! Yay!

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Well that's all! I can't think any parting sentence for this entry. Kbye

Training kemps #1

So today would be my fifth day in our post-grad training and I'm really really happy that I would get to sleep for longer hours. Well not so fast Lhea, you have to accompany your cousin this Saturday and Sunday. </////3 Good luck to my health. LOLJK

Honestly, I always feel sleepy during classes and shiver because of their "turbo" aircon. Then, I always feel shy to recite or react to our lecturers because I feel like I've forgotten what I've learned in college. Good thing I'm doing well in our exams.

I also found new friends in our class. Obviously, my first friend would be my seatmate, and was the first one to say hello. My friends would find it weird that I don't took the first step to get to know my seatmate. Good thing he's...fine. Haha, he was makulit (he would wake me up whenever I'm sleepy, or percuss my back like what's done in our respi assessment), and madaldal (he would also talk to me at the middle of our lecture and I can't concentrate!). Sometimes we would share candies and biscuits too. And it makes me miss my long-time seatmate JA. Any, I do have some girl friends who were my groupmates, they are Irish and Mika (and also Cyril from another group), then Cyruz (another groupmate).

This afternoon, we craved for fishball and found nothing near the hospital so we decided to look for food at QC circle. Haha, we obviously failed. So Mika suggested that we should try food tripping in Morayta and look for trodats (the stamp that we'll be using in our duty). We ended up eating fishball, siomai and had a milk tea bonding at Frappeetea. Then we also decided to visit Mang Larry's next week after lecture (if we'll be dismissed early since we always end up at 5:30).

I may be not as friendly as I am before, but I think I should keep much tighter friendship with my groupmates since I'll be with them in the coming months. :)

Hay, I need to sleep now since I need to wake up at 5am then leave at 7am. Gahd, waking up in the morning is always a struggle. My body clock is much ready for our shifting, especially graveyard. Hohoho. :)

Thanks, no thanks

There are times that we refuse to accept the concern of other people. Not that we have a towering pride to accept it, but we feel like we don't need any of their concern, because yeah, we can get past to it.

I'm a the exact example of that kind of person in my second sentence. Sometimes, I'll just let those words of concern pass from my ear going out to my other ear and don't let any single word of that sentence I heard remain in my head.

I've been avoiding a certain person since last month. I unfollowed him/her in Facebook so that I won't see its updates in my news feed. I felt fine in the past weeks that I didn't had any words or photos of him/her in my news feed. Until tonight that I received a tweet asking me what happened with my eye. Upon reading that tweet, I didn't replied because I don't need to explain why my eye is a bit irritated. Another thing is, I'm avoiding him/her, so why ruin my own plan?

But then again, the story I've read (for the second time) this afternoon entered my mind. Friends would ask the other friend what he/she is feeling, because, he/she is his/her friend anyway. 

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*-----* means I don't know how to end this post.

Gomenasai!

(It means sorry in Japanese)

I know I've been so inactive in the past few days. I don't update my Facebook much and I don't blog that often compared to my college days, to think that I'm much available now compared before.

Honestly, I'm not doing good these days. I was sick last Wednesday and Thursday. Even though I'm not in the mood to take care of my self, I can't stand drooling over my pillow sheets and my blankets. Aside from that, I need to avoid having Tonsillitis because those streps might invade my heart (realistically speaking). So, I had to get up and go to SM San Lazaro to buy meds and foods, too. I tend spend quite much whenever I'm sick. I would buy foods I don't usually buy whenever I'm trying to be thrifty. Anyway, I need to take care of myself because no one would do it for me.

I felt better come Friday. And yuhoo, I just ended my CS problems since I opted to donate instead to serving that whole 58 hours (though I was able to render 12 hours already at the Marketing Office. Any, I also had a good time there with Mam Pink and Sir Ian). Then I also paid for my TOR and then I will be getting it today (together with my Good Moral cert). So, my last problem is my NBI clearance, but I have to call the main office regarding on my queries. Honestly, I wasn't able to copy the accomplished online form of my NBI clearance. I'm hoping that I'll be able to finish my requirements this week.

Last Thursday, I ditched that interview at a specialty clinic somewhere in Makati and then didn't attended my Nursing Proficiency Exam at PGH (since I think I won't even get a chance to pass in the next few steps. Quite a pessimistic attitude of mine). Well, I do have a valid reason: I'm sick. :P

Lately, I don't blog a lot about my inner thoughts since I'm quite cautious of what I'm saying lately. Well, I have a journal that keeps my thoughts privately. I realized that there are some things that I don't need to say to other people. Now, I learned to be more private compared to my usual "open" self.

I observed that I don't bond or go out with my Advo friends much this month. Haha, sorry but I have some financial problems lately and I don't want to spend beyond my budget. And aside from that, I don't wanna go far and I'm afraid of traveling alone especially at night. But I don't regard myself as a loner since I do hang with some of my FEU friends whom we call as "Brobabes." :) We're four in the group, one "bro" and three "babes." Bro and I are from IN and the two other babes are from IAS-Psych. They're quite older than me, so they regard me as the "bunso" yet I feel awkward at times when I call them ate or kuya so I try to call them with their names :D

For two weekends already, my BFF and I are having some ultimate bonding experience here at my apartment (since yeah, I'm in a budget). We reminisce our high school days and our island life in Cuyo. What I love about my best friend is that she knows me through and through. We were schoolmates in Prep School, High School up to College (because yeah, I followed her in FEU.) We might not bond as often as my other college friends, she knows about me more than them. There are some things that I could only open up to her esp. about family matters (yeah again, because she knows my family well). I'm hoping for more bonding moments with her :)

Moving on, I'm trying to ask myself whether I feel pressured about being unemployed or not. Honestly, I'm quite in a rush of looking for a hospital to work at. Luckily, I found that a nearby hospital is looking for a staff nurse. I want to work there since I don't have to travel far to get to my workplace. Hahaha. Lazy kid as always. Any, I'll still pass my requirements to other hospitals. :)

Aside from what I stated above, my source of entertainment is watching Asian dramas. Yesterday, I just finished Yamato Nadeshiko. Well, I'm a big fan of its anime version, and it's live action didn't disappoint me. Though at first, the actor who played Kyohei didn't even look like the anime Kyohei, but in the end, reality is different from fiction. But hey, he's handsome and I like his hair! (I dunno why I like guys with long hair lately.) Kazuya Kamenashi did a good job as Kyohei. Huhuhu, I can't help but cry with its last episode. Go Kyoheiiii. Another thing, I also watched Vic and Barbie's MARS. I'm a big fan of them since Meteor Garden days. As a fangirl, MARS was a dream come true since they're both the leads. :) Vic Zhou is soooo pogi with his long hair (haha, long hair again). Their acting was superb and I like the story because of its uniqueness and its unpredictable twists. :)

If you are an avid reader of my blog (...in short, you're from Advo), I know you'd ask about my lovelife... Well uhh, crushlife. So far, all I have are two crushes: my idol crush and my happy crush. Haha, and they're both from IN and both of them are my former seniors. :) I think I need inspiration like them to strive with my unemployed life. Hahaha. They will always remain as my crushes since I really can't reach them (and I'm younger than them.) :D

I know I'm living a lonely life but don't worry, I always find ways to be happy in what I do. This solitude will surely give me a lot of lessons that will be useful in the future. :

Happiness is a decision

So yesterday, umattend ako ng Simbang Gabi sa UST. Bale first time ko mag-simbang gabi dito sa Manila sa five years na nag-stay ako rito. Since I woke up at 9pm (Dec.21) eh di na ko natulog until 3am. Sa sobrang aga, walang tricycle na dumadaan sa street namin, puro taxi lang. Then I decided na mag-taxi na lang para safe bilang takot akong maglakad mag-isa (kahit na ilang kembot lang ang UST mula sa apartment).

Kumain muna ako sa McDo bago pumasok ng UST. At habang naglalakad ako along Plaza Mayor, super blank lang utak ko. Haha, maliban sa lutang moments ko, may mga time din na naglalakad ako sa wala akong iniisip na kahit ano. Fineel ko lang yung moment na naglalakad ako. Nung asa loob na ako, nakahanap ako ng available seat. Medyo awkward lang kasi nakaupo ako sa pagitan ng dalawang mama. Hahaha. Buti na lang payat ako at kahit maliit na space eh pwede ako. Sa una lang naman ako na-awkward, any pumunta naman ako ng simbahan para magsimba, hindi para ma-awkward kung sino katabi ko.

Nung gospel na, medyo excited ako sa magiging sermon ng pari. Minsan kasi eh nag-aanticipate ako sa magiging topic sa sermon based dun sa scripture na binasa. Wala lang, ganun lang talaga ako. Bale tungkol kasi yun kay St. Joseph at sa panaginip nya. Ikakasal na sila ni Virgin Mary nung nalaman nya na buntis pala to. So syempre kahit sinong lalaki eh mafu-frustrate at madi-disappoint pag nalaman nyang buntis na agad yung pakakasalan nya. Sa sinaunang Israel kasi, pag nalaman na buntis yung babae na walang asawa, bale babatuhin sya to death. Since ayaw naman ni Joseph na mangyari kay Mary yun, nanahimik na lang sya. Then napanaginipan nya yung isang angel na nagsasalita sa kanya, na Mary's conceived by the Holy Spirit at magkaka-anak si Mary ng baby boy at papangalanang Jesus/Emmanuel. And after that, naintindihan na ni Joseph ang lahat at naging maganda yung pang-unawa nya sa nangyari.
Sabi nga kanina, good understanding=good decision=____________ (nakalimutan ko na, acceptance yata?). Kaya pagdating sa mga ganyang problema, wag kang tumingin sa negative side, dapat sa positive side lagi.

 Then yung sumunod naman eh about sa happiest person in the Philippines. Bale isa syang dating pasyente sa UST Hospital na may ankylosing spondilytis (arthritis of the spine accompanied by swelling and pain [in movement]). Isipin mo, bat yung taong may ganung sakit pa yung maituturing na happiest person sa Pilipinas? So sinabi nya sa acceptance speech nya (non-verbatim) na dahil sa sakit nya, naging iba yung pananaw nya sa buhay nya, at kahit ganun man, mas pinili pa rin nyang maging masaya kasi yung kasiyahan hindi mo hinihintay na dumating o mangyari yan, dapat ginagawa mo yan. Kasi ang pagiging masaya, desisyon yan.

Dahil dun, medyo nagising yung diwa ko. In the past few days, medyo hindi ako ganun ka-saya (excluding Dec.19). Syempre may mga problems akong kelangan kong i-deal ng ako lang. Sa sobrang seryoso, parang ayoko gn pag-usapan pa, pero in the end, kelangan ko rin ng tulong kasi hindi ko kaya mag-isa. Well, good thing eh tumawag si Mommy, and poof, solved na yung problema ko (partly). May mga araw na di ko kayang ngumiti o lumabas ng bahay dahil sa preoccupied na yung utak ko ng problema. Well, ganun talaga, dumarating talaga sa buhay natin yan.

After ng mass, napaisip ako na ang happiness, kahit dumating yan sayo, pero kung hindi mo rin pipiliin maging masaya, wala rin. How much more kung hihintayin mong dumating o mangyari ang happiness sayo, tapos wala namang mangyari, edi hindi ka na magiging masaya? Medyo simpleng bagay lang yung happiness pag pinag-uusapan kasi feeling mo automatic na yun, pero hindi pala. Lahat ng bagay eh nangyayari kung pipiliin mo yun. Maswerte nga tayo at may free will tayo, kasi free tayong piliin yung kaligayahan natin. (Haha, wala akong hugot dito guys)

Ayun, bet  ko lang talagang i-share to kasi syempre Christmas season naman, and there's no reason to be sad. Kung may problema man, isipin mo na buong taon eh may problema naman tayo, pwede mo namang kalimutan muna in the next few days. And then, look back at your old problems, and mare-realize mo na nalampasan mo pala yun. Kaya ikaw, kung naghahanap ka ng sign, sorry, hindi ito sign. Ipapaalala ko lang na uso maging masaya. :)

Merry Christmas everyone! :)


(Sa [mga] friend/s kong naiintriga sa post ko last time, pwede nyo ng i-check ang Facebook ko. Now's the perfect time) :D

Looking.. Searching..

It's December 20 already and 2014 is just few kembots away. And to update myself, I'm on my 5th month as an unemployed RN. Moving on, I'm going to pass my resume already by next week but I'm a bit anxious since undergoing training (hospitals don't usually hire nurses right away) is somewhat a different arena compared to those duty days I had in college.

Yesterday, me and my friends are talking about something when I asked one of them if what was the skills he wrote in his resume. Hahaha. Honestly, I've been having a hard time in making resumes since my Advo application days. I had to follow Cindy's outline then because I don't know where to start. Any, they just joked that I should put "bed making" skills there. Hahaha. Well, bed making is also a part of our RLE Skills Lab then, so it's a bit correct if I would write it there. LOL. But one of them asked if where am I going to apply for a job, and I told him a certain hospital that was a bit far from my current place. So, he suggested that I should pass an application in SLMC-QC since it was just a 15-20 mins ride away.

So here's my current problem now, after searching about the application chuchus for some hospitals, I found myself staring blankly, thinking about those requirements I have to pass. Aaaand, I also read some blog entries about Post-Graduate Nurse Training (PGNT). Honestly, I'm a bit excited and a bit nervous about it. But yeah, it's natural to feel that way. I'm just praying that I would start my 2014 training already. I'm tired being a lazy kid, sleeping the whole day inside my room. And this sedentary lifestyle would definitely kill me. Any, let's just do hope that I would get accepted. If not, then I'll look for another hospital (kahit saang parte pa ng Manila yan!)

Any, GO LHEA! (Self motivation is the key!) :)

Weird dream is weird

I slept for more than 10 hours today, and I woke up dahil sa hindi ako makahinga due to a sever chest pain (which is bad because I have a heart problem for years already). So I positioned myself in high fowlers just to aid my breathing. I thought nalulunod ako pero di naman pala. But, my dream isn't connected with drowning or whatevs. It's kinda related to something na madalas na dumadaan sa isipan ko lately.

Hindi sya magkakasunu-sunod so per scene ko na lang sya ikukuwento.

The first one was a car racing. I dunno kung pano sya napunta sa parteng yun since ang naaalala ko eh nasa isang construction store (provincial setting) ako para bumili ng pako or whatevs and may pinapalabas na boxing match sa TV.

The next thing I remember eh sinave nya ko dun sa car racing. Weird lang diba?

Next, pababa na kami ng parang hill ng may nadaanan kaming children's park na overlooking a very beautiful place. Pero, ang sabi ko eh Cuyo yun, pero based dun sa itsura ng setting eh hindi naman. But the cute part there was when he's holding my hand. Yes, he's a HE. Baka naman babae yung naiisip nyo ha. Charot.

I dunno kung bakit ako kinikilig, hahaha, pero throughout my dream, ilang beses namin inuulit-ulit na we're friends. (Alangan naman na magkaaway kami?)

And the last one was nung may nabasag syang glass windown nung nasa town proper na kami. Di ko alam kung bat nabasag yun, may bumato ng bote o sapatos eh. So the owner of the house asked us to come inside and talk about what happened. Since si "friend" lang naman ang may kasalanan, he (the house owner) invited him in a room (which I first thought was an office).

Since antagal ko na sa may sala, nagsuspetsa na ko na baka may maling nagaganap though wala naman akong naririnig na pag-aaway. So nag-ninja moves na ko. Lumabas ako at sumilip sa window kaso wala akong makita at wala akong marinig. In the end, I went back inside of the house and kicked the door really hard when I found the house owner doing something "EEEW!"

(OKAY. RATED SPG. AND DI KO KINAYA)

Lemme say what I actually said in my dream, PUTANGINA! Well, I rarely curse someone, but that was really something I can't handle anymore. Dahil sa sobrang hiya nung house owner (tangina, di pa sya nahiya!), pumasok sya ng CR para ayusin sarili nya. Ayos-ayusin nya naman sarili nya, pati utak nya!!!

So ayun, balik sakin ang eksena. Nagsusumigaw na ko sa loob ng room na yun tapos andami kong pinagsasabi. Yung ibang sinabi ko, di ko na maalala though yung iba naaalala ko pa. Wanna know what I said? Secret. Charot. Malamang umiiyak ako sabay sabi ng mga walang hiya yung lechugas na house owner na yun and chuchuchu. Tapos eto naman ako kay "friend" na kawawang kawawa. Aaaand, parang sinabi ko na rin na betchikels ko si friendlaloo.

Honestly, di ko ineexpect na ganun magiging dream ko. Nakakaloka lang yung subconscious mind ko, ang weird lang talaga. Feeling ko, kaya ko napanaginipan si friendlaloo bilang napag-usapan namin sya ni BFF last Saturday. Yun siguro yun. Although medyo may guest appearance din tong si friendlaloo sa mga past dreams ko, medyo disturbing lang yung panaginip ko kanina.

Pero kidding aside, I know there's a deeper meaning kung bakit napapanaginipan natin yung mga tao. Maybe we're denying that we're thinking about them but in reality, deep in our hypothalamus, it will always be them who we're thinking about. I know it's not right or wrong to think about him, we're friends, right. Pero disturbing lang kasi yung pagdadrama ko dun sa last part, parang it says that I still like the person.

I think it's not bad to still like a person. Well, we all like a certain person, it might be a friend or not. Pano mo ba magiging friend yung isang tao kung hindi mo bet maging friend, diba? Haha, I think may point naman yung argument ko, right? I may still like a friend, but let's just leave it for being as a friend alone.

Sometimes, natatawa ako when my other friends tells me to "move on." And I'm questioning myself, "Ano ba ipagmu-move on ko?" So babalikan ko uli yung pinaglalaban ko lagi na, it's not wrong to like someone, then tell it straightly to him that you like him BUT you're not asking him to like you back, or to love you. So liking someone without assuming or exxpecting something in return isn't really bad. Aaand, it won't hurt that much. Trust me.

There are some times that I felt that I already lost my pride for doing that, but hey, I didn't lost anything. I still have my old self, my friend, our friendship, that's all. And, I also wanted to say that there's no romance that happened between the two of us. Maybe that's why other people needs to "move on" because they we're used to have romantic ties, and dahil nasanay na sila sa ganun, kapag nawala na yung romance eh kelangan naman nilang kalimutan yung mga nakasanayan nila. Well, same goes dun sa mga umasa, pinaasa, landian, MU kunwari or kahit ano pa man. Asus, pinagdaanan ko na rin yang MU "kuno" (not related with the friendlaloo person here) and at first ang hirap,  kasi nakasanayan mo na may nagke-care sayo (kahit thru text lang. WTH!). Ah basta, parang ganun na rin yun no. Siguro sa parteng yun, applicable ang pagmu-move on diba?

So if ever there will be other people who will soon tell me to "move on" (again), I think walang point yung pagmu-move on, kasi wala naman talaga :)

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Sa sobrang freestyle ng blog entry ko na to, nailabas ko na naman mga ibang hanash ko. :D Sige lang guys, malay nyo may ma-realize din kayo sa mga ka-hanash-an ko :)

What about now

It frustrates me so much that I've been so unproductive after I took the boards. I could've worked already after that, or went home to take care of Lola and some family matters. Gahd, I never expected my life could be this oh-so boring.

Just moments ago, I saw a picture of my classmate's visa in FB (Tomorrow's her first int'l flight. Well yeah, a nurse who happened to choose being a flight crew than working in a hospital). Not that I feel envy or what, I just thought that most of my classmates are working or should I say earning already, yet I was like a polar bear still hibernating in my comfort zone, or maybe a turtle feeling lazy to get out of its shell. Yeah, that's what I'm feeling right now (aside from "other" feelings).

Well, I've been bombarded with a lot of problems last week. I had to deal with some dilemmas that could make or break something (I'm telling you, it's a SERIOUS matter. Much serious than my relatives asking me if I have a boyfriend already). Good thing I have a supportive family who backs me up whatever happens, and gives sound advice.

Dealing with problems should not be  faced with a crumpled-like face, I think it's much better if you'll take a deep deep breath (that would even balloon your lungs until your bronchioles explode. LOL) then flash a bright smile. Not that you're being "plastic" with yourself, but it's the best way to start with.

During the series of problems, I was in Bicol with my cousins. Good thing I was in a place where I could breathe fresh air that will help me think much better, than here in Manila where I could take polluted air that will soon shrink my corrupted brain. Going back to Manila alone (bus ride) was a challenge because it was my first time. I don't have anyone to talk to when I feel bored or what. I happened to sit with a woman (in her late 20's or early 30's). At first, I'm not comfortable sitting with someone, especially when I'm alone (so call me selfish then).

Since I can't sleep during the trip, I stayed awake thinking about random things, and reminiscing those Bicol trips I had with Nanay when I was young. Twas kinda cool that I still remember some places we passed by before. While we're entering Lopez, Quezon, we heard a loud kablaam at the back part of the bus. I felt nervous at first, because hello?? Turned out that the rubber something of the back wheel exploded/bursted/shrinked (whatever). Good thing we're not running that fast, so an impending accident didn't happened. And because of that incident, my seatmate and I started to talk about what happened and talked about a lot of things like a long-lost friends.

During the latter part of the trip, it was me who talked and shared a lot of things about family and how I grew up. And after that very long conversation, I realized how lucky and blessed I am as a kid, as a person, and as a part of my family. Well despite of the problems I had days before, I was able to pass through it. I think that my real blessings are not money or anything, it was the people around me who made me like this. I'm blessed with a very supportive family and a good crop of friends. Some people may say that they don't need a lot of friends, but for me "Why limit your number of friends? You'll never know, you might get to know someone who'll make your life different."

I remember during my high school senior days when Lola told me not to make friends when I get to study in Manila. Actually, I cried hard that time because I feel like they're cutting some of my body parts. I talked to Lola on that very same day and told her what I feel and explained everything, and why she shouldn't control or limit me when it comes to choosing friends, or who to be with. And now, Lola's very happy that I found a lot of friends that helped me survive in the jungle of Manila. Like I found brothers and sisters, good friends, cheerers, etc. Those people who helped me in my studies, problems, and even during the haggard-est days of my life, the board review.

Having or picking good friends isn't as easy as ABC, sometimes there will be people who will hurt you soon. But wanna know my secret? I actually prayed for it (really hard). It's hard to pick a person and then ask God if he will be a good friend or not, so why not pray for it before you happen to know someone? I also did the same thing before entering high school. Instead of contemplating at the end part, why not pray for it before it started?

Last Friday, I had another dilemma that made me feel like I'm torn between someone I really love and my own future. Since I can't find someone to talk to, I just slept early and prayed that I'll be able to think better the next day. And the next day, the solution came as fast as a text message! Mommy and tita called me up to discuss something and then adviced me on what to do. Baam! Solved problem! :)

I'll probably go back to Palawan (after 2 years!) this week or next, to take care of Lola. Since I'm already a nurse, it's about time to take care of her and give back. She sacrificed a lot for me since I was young, so now that she's old, it's my duty to do the same for her. Then maybe after a month, I'll come back here in Manila and find a job :)

Actually, Lola's encouraging me to move back to Palawan. But I can't. So Mommy told me to spend a month there and go back to Manila to finally look for a job. It's kinda hard to move back to province when you're already used to live in the city. It somewhat makes me feel like I'm regressing. I know Lola will understand. :)

NEXT MONTH, I'll be looking for a SERIOUS JOB. I SWEAAAAR!

Point blank

(another random post with a very nonsense title)

Since I was looking for some photos I missed to upload last time, I decided to check all folders in my hard drive. But at one point, I came across a picture taken with a friend last year. After I was fascinated how healthy I looked like a year ago, it was then I realized that it was a rare photo I had with that person. After staring at it by more than 5 seconds, I abruptly said to myself, "Bagay nga pala talaga kami." Hahahaha.

Well, that person was frequently mentioned here in my blog, just check for my tags. Hoho. Any, I admit that we look good together (yeah, we look good together because we have the same height and almost close skin complexion) but we're really friends. Actually, baka friends to the superlative form pa yata dapat, mga more than friends, ganun. :D

Hahaha, okaay, I know it's really a very lame realization or whatever. But everything that I saw in my hard drive really put a smile on my face. Gahd, time runs so fast. And at least, I had some photos when I still look healthy, blooming, haggard, sleepless, etc. :D

Okay, good night :D

My take on Family/Famealy Day

Okay, I know you're all familiar with that Lucky Me commercial where a bullied kid tries to talk to his parents but his mom and dad are busy talking to their phones (in short, they're not paying attention to their kid). Why did I try to write about this? Because I hate it when kids are not given proper attention or guidance in their critical years.

I really didn't had a "complete" family, my mom died and my dad works abroad. So, I was left under the care of my grandma and nanay. Since they're also quite busy, sometimes you can't demand too much time from them and the only chance you get to be with them is during meal time.

If I were the kid in the commercial, I would transform as a big badass who continues to talk even though they're busy with their businesses. (Sorry for that badass thing, but I also did the same thing when I was young.) Being bullied is a serious thing. It makes you feel smaller as a person, and also vulnerable to other "feeling macho/superior" kids. It's also good to be talkative and open to your parents even if they don't do the same for you. You might never know, they might be doing the same eventually.

Kids needs someone behind their back, that's why they have parents. As parents, giving everything to your kid is not a measure of being a really good parent. Actually, it doesn't even count as a part of good parenting.

Let me remind you dear parents, having children is not just a gift, but also an obligation given to you by God. It is your obligation to raise someone who mirrors God. In the end, whatever happens to your kids will boil down to you because it will reflect you as a parent.

To those kids out there, I can't ask you to be like me, an outspoken kid way before I could remember. Even as a lil kid, you can stand up for yourself. Remember that those people who does bad things against you will remind you that you should do good, and that you'll be the opposite of them. Be close to your parents even if they're not doing the same for you. Make them realize that you need them and you love them. You are lucky to have parents unlike those youngsters who don't have a complete family, and who lack guidance and love.

I dunno what to feel about this Famealy Day, because having meals with your family should be an everyday routine, and doesn't really have to happen once a year. But yeah, it's kinda good that there's a lone day like this that will remind everyone about this.

Since I lived with lola and nanay for 14 years, we rarely eat together during the day. Actually, they can pause what they're doing and join me at the dining room. At first, I didn't complained, but as I grew up, I started telling them that we should eat together no matter what. I think I was already in high school that we ate together until I went to Manila for college.

Question: Did I lacked guidance or love from them? No. Why? Because it's not just during meals that we show love, guidance, or talk over some family-related or serious things at home. For I am a clingy kiddo, I always go wherever they are. Like whenever Lola's sewing some dresses, I stay beside her, look what she's doing, and ask her how to do this and that. Then after she finished here work, we would talk about random things. And from her, I became interested on parenting. When it comes to Nanay, I think she never lacked anything. I have her full attention, actually. Well, sometimes it really depends. hahaha. I learned to be clingy from her. She would always call me to go where she is around the house, then would hug me and ask me to stay with her. Sometimes, I would find it reaaaally weird.

Lastly, Family Day. Some says that Sunday is Family Day. And I don't care. Family Day is not even written on the calendar so I won't say that it's done just during Sunday. Family Day must be EVERYDAY.

Honestly, in my 14 years of being with Lola and Nanay, we don't celebrate Family Day. That's it. Like what I said, it must be everyday. Sometimes it annoys me (especially in college) whenever someone uses Family Day or going to church as an escape to its obligation. (hahaha. And my sports writing days enters the scene!) First, you have an obligation, so it's a must that you will fulfill it. And second, you're adding some problems to other people who doesn't have time to rest just to cover what you'll fail to do. Sometimes, I would say that "Sana pala tinakwil na  ako ng family ko dahil 3-4 years na akong di sumasama sa Family Day!" (hahaha, don't worry. I already moved on with that) Not that I'm ranting too much here but I know I'm saying what's right.

Those kids are lucky enough to be with their parents even in college. Do they ever mind those people who tried to live on their own while surviving in this jungle? They are just one lucky beings to be pampered by their parents. I think, being absent on one family day won't hurt that much, right?

Fine, I dunno how to end this but I will leave piece of advice that may be already painful to the ear since you heard this gazillion of times already. Be a good children to your parents. Bow :)

What's new?

Ano na? Anong balita? :P

• I passed the board exam. Okey. I got 75.20. I'm proud. :P HAHAHA. I don't care if I got a low score. Partida balasubas pa ko nung review nyan ha. I failed the pre-boards, I skip classes, I sleep during reviews, I tweet a lot, yet I passed. Thank you!
• Watching UAAP games religiously. Parang di ako gumraduate eh no? Ang pinagkaiba lang, tamad na tamad akong magsulat about the game. I'd rather comment about what's happening than write about it.
• Been dying to have an out-of-town, pero di napu-push. Walang kasama eh.
• Realized that I really needed someone. Someone na lagi kong makakasama. Well, it doesn't mean jowa kasi I'm not yet ready emotionally, psychologically, and mentally. Ah basta! It started while doing some grocery alone tapos uuwi ako na super daming bags na dala at wala man lang akong katulong magbitbit. 
• I don't want to work. Yes, feeling ko nagbabakasyon pa ko.
• Naubos na pages ng journal ko. 
• Wala pang regalo si Papa sakin :D

Okey, that's all. Hello nga pala sa mga fans ko. LOL. 

At sa mga nagtatanong about sa last entry ko, sorry, basted ang loko :D

Hay buhay! :)

Perks on being an only child

And if you happen to be the only child in the family, you're the luckiest man on Earth. Seriously speaking, yes, you are.

I must say that I'm lucky to be the only child of my parents, even though my dad really wanted a baby boy, but sorry, there must be problem when your chromosome handed a Y instead of an X. Well, genetically speaking. So, here I am, a full-grown lady who just had graduated with a bachelor's degree. After I was born, my parents are still planning to have another baby, even though Mama was already 33 when she had me, while Papa was 35 at that time. Sorry, but my parents really enjoyed their single lives that they planned to marry at the age of 31 and 33, respectively. To continue this very long story of mine, my mom died when I was 2 years old, so having a baby brother wasn't materialized.

These perks started when I was brought my grandparents after my mom's death since no one will take care of me and Papa's working abroad for our living. Knowing Filipino grandparents, they will literally spoil you in a lot of things: toys, books, foods, clothes, everything! Aside from that, Mommy (my mama's elder and only sister), always sends me some Barbie dolls, new clothes, shoes, and books. I really loved reading books way back then. :)

So, having everything you wanted was the best thing in life, of course. But not everyone has this so-called "perfect" life. I was regularly hospitalized before due to my asthma then later ruled out to be a heart problem (not that "heart" problem when you were dumped by your crush for two years!). Hospital was like my second home, and a ship as my third home since I'm always sick and I was regularly brought to Puerto Princesa to have my regular check up. Think about the sacrifices by Lola and Lolo but most especially Nanay who took care of me and helped me live for almost 2 decades.

Whenever my friends or classmates tells me "Ang hirap maging only child kasi ikaw lagi yung nakikita pag may mali," I tend to laugh it off cause I never experienced that in my entire life. Aside from those kiddie stuff or should I say my early pasaway days, I never had any serious problem (especially teenage, relationship, or family-related) with Lola and Nanay. Why? Because we knew each other very well, and they don't blame me for things that I'm not even connected. And I'm even proud to say that I didn't caused headaches to them even in college. Another thing that makes our bond stronger, it's because they trust me very well and all they have to do is just to remind me, and support me in anything that I want. Besides, they're confident that they raised and cultivated me well, that I will not stray my path.

When it comes to attention, I have the attention that I want even I don't ask them. Haha. In our family, I was tagged as  the Pambansang Apo, which means that I'm the apple of the eye of my grandparents. But I can't blame them because I grew up with them. Then, I'm the only child among my 8 cousins in my mother side and 23 in my father side, so I'm always the special kid. Even in my paternal side, they always treat me like a princess. In terms of attention and love, I never lacked it in my whole life. Everyone's love and attention are overflowing.

But do you know the disadvantage? You don't have brothers or sisters to play with. I longed for brothers and sisters when I was 4-7 years old because I always see our neighbors playing with their siblings, or attend the mass with them. While I, the solo kid, feels like a sore loser when I don't have a Kuya or Ate to call when I feel alone. Come early teenage days, I wanted to have a tough brother who will defend me or will be my knight-in-shining armor if there will be someone who will try to hurt me, and a kikay sister who will curl my hair or dress me up. I always dreamed of having those people in my life

I know that God has a plan for me, and he gave me friends who were eventually became my siblings. I had different kinds of brothers, a "simpatikong" younger brother whom I treat as an older brother, a brother who's really fond of shopping, a very serious brother, a brother whose laugh will be a very good wake-up call, etc. And I also have a sister who's experiences were the same as mine, a sister who loves to dress me up, and scolds me whenever I skip classes, a sister who's so cute (she claimed it!), and a tough sister. Yes, I found all of them, and I lost count on them already. Haha. They might not be my siblings by blood, I still consider them as my true siblings.

And to end this post, lemme greet my dad a Happy Fathers Day. As of this post, I dunno where's Papa right now since I can't contact him through his phone. Or he's just planning for a surprise today. I dunno! Any, it's your day, Dad! Enjoy!

WEIRD DREAM!

#ICAPSLOCKMOPARAINTENSE!

SRSLY, napanaginipan ko kanina na I failed the board exam. NOOOOOOOOOO! Creepiest dream ever! Grabe, sana di magkatotoo yun! HUHUHUHUHUHU

Going solo

Living independently isn't all about fun and carefree life, this will test you if you're to survive, alone. Yes, starting today, mag-isa na lang ako sa apartment. This is it, ang araw na kinakatakutan ko noong bata pa ako. Honestly, I don't want to live alone dahil isa akong "linta" (based on our psych review, which is "dependent'). Many people couldn't believe that I'll be able to continue life even without Nanay because I really depend my life on her. She does everything for me, like waking up early to prepare my breakfast and so on. Gaya nga ng sabi ko kanina, eto yung araw na kinakatakutan ko, yung araw na iiwan na ako ni Nanay dahil matanda na ko at kelangan ko ng mabuhay mag-isa dahil kelangan ko ng magtrabaho. Well, in my present case, medyo napaaga ata. 

It's not the first time na namuhay ako mag-isa sa apartment. Last year, I was left alone here dahil umuwi ng Palawan yung kasama ko dito dati. So, mga 3 weeks akong nag-isa rito. Actually, nag-enjoy ako mag-isa, and dun ko lang nalaman na OC pala ako pag mag-isa sa bahay. Pag may konting kalat, walis agad at kelangan naka-ayos lahat ng bagay :) Medyo di nga lang nakakatuwa na tulog ako sa umaga at gising ako sa gabi bilang paranoid si Lola na baka pasukin ako ng magnanakaw o di kaya atakihin sa puso. As far as what I learned, RHD will not result to heart attack, unless sepsis. Haha. And for the first time, biglaang nag-overnight ang EB 11-12 bilang gabi na sila umalis ng school nun. Haha, inuman agad sa bahay. Then nag-overnight din si Ate Reich after nung Tagaytay trip naming dalawa. :)

Struggles: Di ako marunong magluto. Prito maybe? Hahaha. Sain, prito, laga ng itlog, luto ng noodles lang alam ko. Nagsisi talaga ako na di ako nagpaturo kay Nanay magluto nung bata pa ko dahil confident ako na makakasama ko pa sya ng matagal. Next, mahirap maglaba. Nung bata pa ko, gustung-gusto ko maglaba kasi ginagaya ko si Nanay dati. At bilang sakiting bata ako, konting babad lang sa tubig, sipon na agad. Poor me. Buti na lang may washing machine kami, unluckily sira yung dryer. Then isa pang struggle sakin eh yung pagkakahiwa-hiwalay nung mga damit base sa kulay. Hay jusko! Marunong naman ako sa ibang gawaing-bahay maliban lang sa dalawang yan.

At dahil sa mga nakwento ko, pwede na ring sabihin na buhay prinsesa ako mula pagkabata. Haha. Medyo ganun na nga. Ang kelangan ko lang gawin noon, mag-aral. No choice, nakakapagod kaya maglaro, and take note, di ako pwede sa mga sports eme dahil sakiting bata ako. Pero di naman ako yung bata na kelangang may breakfast in bed at kelangan pa ng seremonyas. No, normal din naman akong bata noon. Since pagsasaing at prito lang ang alam ko, yun yung kadalasang pinapagawa sakin. Tapos ina-assist ko rin si Nanay magluto at si Lola pag nagsasaing (Pag si Lola ang nagsaing, parang pagkain ng maysakit, Lugaw). Ako rin yung taga-tikim sa bahay, haha, pinakamasarap na trabaho ever. Nagwawalis din ako, at required na ako yung maglinis ng kwarto ko kasi ako lang nakakaalam ng mga ganap dun. Ang masasabi kong "dirty job" ko dati, ang magpa-apoy nung uling or kahoy kapag nagsasaing (Buhay probinsya at it's finest). Every summer, ako ang naka-toka sa pagsasaing, pamamalengke, paglilinis ng kusina, paghuhugas ng plato, pagwawalis ng bahay, at pagpapakain sa pitong pets namin (cats, dogs, fishes, love birds). Since around 11am eh ready na yung lunch, as early as 9am eh nagpaparikit (tama ba yung nagpaparikit? haha, di ko alam! basta nagpapaapoy yun!) na ko sa kahoy (swerte kung uling!). Jusko, halos mamaga na mata ko sa kaluluha kasi ang sakit sa mata nung usok at ihip ako ng ihip. At bilang dakilang tamad ako, binubuhusan ko na lang ng gaas. HAHA. Minsan naman pinapaypayan ko nung nigo (Nigo din ba tawag sa tagalog nung ginagamit na pantalop sa bigas?), eh pinagbawalan ako ni Lola kasi *insert pamahiin here*. Halos isang oras ang struggle ko ha! Well, nung una lang yun no! Sa pamamalengke naman, naka-budget na mga bibilhin ko. Madalas ako bumili sa mga suki namin kaya madali na lang yung pamimili. Gusto ko yung humihiwa ako ng bituka ng isda tsaka nung gills. Haha. Kunwari duguan yung daliri ko :P

Present struggle: Ang magising ng maaga at i-budget ang 500 pesos (hangga't di pa dumarating yung next allowance ko). Struggle magising ha, maliban sa stressed ako sa pagrereview til dawn, eh feeling ko ngayon pa lang yung "inupang" days ko ("inupang"-basta yung period na lumalaki ka. Yun! Basta, mahirap i-explain!). Saan aabot ang 500 pesos ko? Actually di ko alam! Maghihigpit na lang ako ng sinturon sa mga susunod na araw.Huhu, eto na ba yung buhay-unemployed? Eh kung pwede lang di mag NLE, malamang may trabaho na ko no? Di naman ako makapamalengke kasi mahal yung bilihin at di ako marunong magluto. Worse, may Galunggong Ban! Di ako makakaprito ng favorite fish ko :( So buhay-karinderya to death ako. No Starbucks, and fastfoods muna. Siomai rice everyday na lang, pantawid gutom. Huhu. This is the reality of life. Uy ha, di porke prinsesa ako eh di ko kaya mag-cope sa ganito? Pano pa't naging taga-probinsya ako? Haha. :)

Okey, bilang wala akong makausap, dito ko na lang binubuhos yung kadaldalan ko. Eh ganun talaga eh. :)) Hello nga pala sa mga fans ko, lol. Miss ko na yung mga fans kong sina Ate Clar, Dairen, Janice, Cindy at sa mga non-Blogger friends ko na binabasa yung blog ko lalo na pag may gusto ako ikwento na na-blog ko na :)

Mild anxiety

Sabi nga ni Mark Dagli (my former classmate), okey lang magka-mild anxiety dahil healthy ito sa panahon ngayon. Well actually, parang gusto ko pa pindutin ang panic button dahil 21 days na lang at NLE na. Honestly, hindi pa ako ganun ka-ready sa NLE. I know my reviewers are all good and I learned a lot from them, but iba pa rin pag ikaw na mismo sa sarili mo. These past few days, my anxiety was pretty relieved when I visited Nanay's grave. It was nice to share my thoughts and feelings to her kahit na nakikita naman nya ako at nababasa nya kung ano naiisip ko. 

I wanna scold myself again for skipping my class earlier. Di ko kinaya magising dahil antok na antok ako sa kaka-self review. Siguro ganun talaga, sa lahat ng ginagawa mo, may mga bagay kang kelangang sina-sacrifice. Even though di ako pumasok, I still made my day a productive one. Yeah, productive dahil nagreview naman ako mag-isa. I reviewed some of my MedSurg concepts and answered some sample questions. Now, I just finished anwering a pre-board preparation exam and unluckily, I failed. I know that disappointments will come my way to tear me down, but no, I won't let it ruin my dream! I still have few more days to go to study and make things "perfect." As far as I observed, di naman ako totally bobey sa ilang questions eh, medyo nagkakamali lang ako dahil sa clinical judgments ko. Yes, we need to stick and follow a certain judgment para maging tama ang sagot namin. Di pwedeng eto-yung-gusto-ko judgment, dapat may clinical basis.

I really envy my classmates who have their study buddies. Iba pa rin kasi yung may kasama ka mag-review kasi may nakaka-share ka ng knowledge and insights. And I pity myself for being a loner dahil nagso-solo ako sa mga bagay na may makakasama naman ako. I admit that Im good when it comes to group review, ewan ko ba, napansin ko lang to nung 1st year college pero hindi ko na nagawa after nun. Any, going solo is really a struggle dahil nung una pa lang, di ko alam kung paano ko sisimulan yung mga bagay bagay. Chaos lang talaga. Last week, I asked my classmate na kung pwede kaming mag-review sa apartment nya since solo lang sya. She agreed pero nung huli, waley na. One reason why I wanted her to be my review buddy because her notes are all complete (and since I skipped a lot of our sessions, I badly need her copies). Hay, feeling ko lang tuloy parusa sakin to dahil andami kong absences. :( Last Wednesday, I asked another classmate of mine to get me some copies of MedSurg since I will be going somewhere and she agreed. Then yesterday, I asker her about those copies and told me that she forgot to get some extra copies for me. I really felt bad, parang wala na ata akong maaasahan. But then again, I blamed myself because it's still my fault anyway. Umasa ako sa isang tao na wala namang pakialam sa classmate nya. Sorry for this pero para sakin naging "selfish" sya in a way na parang wala man lang syang empathy, and kasalanan ko rin kasi iba yung inuna ko. Minsan talaga fail ako pagdating sa decision-making. 

Kahit na medyo may struggle ako sa review, there are still a lot of people who makes me feel loved and empowered. Thanks to my Advo family for cheering me up and for reminding me to "top the board exam." I know it's hard to reach and still impossible as of this moment, but who knows, miracle might just happen in June 2-3 :) Thank you to my ate-slash-classmate who scolds me whenever I skip classes, arrive late in our review, and tweet while taking the exams. Thank you ate for making me feel guilty when you scold me, feeling ko tuloy may nanay ako sa review ;)  Thank you also to a friend of mine na lagi akong pinagsasabihan na nag-cut ng class pag nahuhuli nya ako sa Twitter. Sorry pows. If you happen to read this, 2 days after mo mag-tweet, absent uli ako. Sorry for breaking my promise again.

Lastly, thank you Blogger for being there for me. Actually medyo nahihiya ako kasi naturingan akong writer pero pansin ko lang sa last post ko, sabog na sabog yung diwa ko. And I don't purely write in English. Pero sabi nga ni Dairen sa post nya dati, mas okey pag Filipino kasi mae-express mo talaga yung nararamdaman mo.

I still have a lot of time to review, no need to stress myself. I'll just enjoy answering those questions and nail the board exam. 21 days to go, at kelangan ko ng patunayan na si Future Nurse Lei, magiging Registered Nurse Lei :)