Tudum...

(As always, my titles aren't always related to the content.) Anyways, I'm so disappointed lately on how career is going. Basically, I'm not even progressing at all as a nurse who's been a Band 5 for 5 years now. I might've not mentioned it here but I failed 2 interviews for my ward last year, due to "someone more experienced than me" (but we are training that person instead to do her job to teach us instead), and "giving negative vibes" in my answer that didn't even dwell on the short staffing of the ward. To be honest, I totally don't know what's happening because this all seemed like a joke. We lost a couple of seniors in the ward, but barely replaced them. The one they promoted just got the permanent position (which is expected), and now they're opening a secondment for 6 months. LIKE, SIX MONTHS? That's pretty useless tbf. Me being a prideful human being, doesn't want to apply for it because it's just useless. And potentially not getting the job would just be rubbing more salt to the wound. I'm trying not to think about other stuff, but it seems like some people don't favour me at all. I love my job, and I'm just here to work and not be best friends with other people. But I think that people who are worthy for a certain position should be given a chance. Sadly, I already showed them that I could do the job. They're just way too blind to see or probably erased that memory in their heads. Work loyalty is BS. Everyone is literally telling that to me. Even though I like what I do, I just feel like floating in the band 5 position, hitting the roof with no chance to soar above that. Instead, I'm expected to act like a senior staff nurse, when I even ain't one. I had to do some responsibility of looking after new staff and teaching them, when there is an actual person paid to do it (the one they chose over me.) Just funny, isn't it? I want to leave my area tbh and do something different. And get paid better, with the hardwork I'm putting into. I want to be appreciated in my job, and get the proper pay for it. MAybe too much to ask for other people, but they won't know how I'm feeling. I shouldn't be ranting in my college blog tbh. But hey, this is my reality. I should write more about my experiences as the nurse that I am now.

Pride yer pride chicken

 Me being Lhea is either ma-pride or walang pride at all. 

The tea here is, I haven't talked to a bestie for a couple of months now. Basically, it's him who's never saying a word to me, and I'm just here waiting for a move because I know what he's actually up to. Funny enough, his tactics is very much familiar: not messaging, but watching my IG stories; AKA orbiting. TBF, I don't do that kind of stuff. 😅 I've avoided looking at his IG stories or dropping any message at all. Christmas and New Year has passed and I've never heard anything from this person. Oh well, maybe I won't hear anything as well til my birthday since he probably won't remember it at all.

Quick throwback to where it all started, it was when I didn't attend his birthday. I got all the reasons not to be there, and I'm glad I didn't. I want to list all reasons here, but I just don't wanna be the odd one in the sea of his partner's friends. (and knowing that I won't be a welcome guest there). I had a rough day and generally bad week then. I failed my exam, my interview for promotion, and I wasn't in a celebratory mood. I was in London to attend his birthday, but I don't wanna be in an area where a person who literally finished his isolation is already out and partying. Na-ah. Another thing is, the celebration was just a mess, no final plans til just 2 hours before. I'd rather be at home sipping tea.

So yeah, it was just simple. And boy, that probably made him sulky and gave me cold shoulders. Oh well, such a shame that in the past three years, I was there doing all the plans, and now it seems that my absence suddenly made me a bad friend. I feel like sometimes I should stop looking after people, because that don't give back anything essential to me. It's easier to just worry about your own and give some space for yourself away from others.

I feel like I'm airing dirty laundry here, and the last time I did it, I was in deep shit. Oh well, who reads this anyways?

Wanting and timing

Recently, there was a job posting for Practice Facilitator for our unit. Being the usual Lhea, I'm quite interested because I love a role that could help assist and supervise new nurses. Two of my colleagues encouraged me to do it, so I sent an email to our Lead Educator that I wanted to know more about the role.

Few days later, I met our LE and she told me about the job. But I guess I'm not yet ready for it. I know our previous PF and how often she worked on the ward, yet this one is more office-based for now. I don't think I'll thrive in an office set up, and an 8-6 job during weekdays. And if I truly wanted it, I could've said yes, but being the classic Lhea, I always wanted a way out. I told LE that I haven't had my competency book signed AT ALL (which is true btw). Another thing, I guess I don't want to have bigger responsibility yet, and I'm worried that I won't have extra money because I can't do night shifts for a while. Well, no one's pressuring me to get the job anyway, so I'll just do what I want.

 In the end, I didn't contact LE anymore and I forgot that the interview was yesterday. I heard that someone I knew got the post and was promoted to Band 6. Good for him!

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I guess I am this kind of person who believes in timing, whether it's rushed or a very long term one. I mean, I would've liked that 8-6 job but that would be nice if I have a family to look after. I don't want to keep on working weekends and night shifts if I got kids already. I want to enjoy my time with them, and probably go somewhere and enjoy the weather on a weekend. I dunno who I'll marry in the end, but whoever that may be, I want to be the kind of mum who spends quality time with her (future) family.

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Mommy actually advised me to be a nurse practitioner if I get older, and I guess it's a  good plan. I've been working as a cardiothoracic nurse now, and it's a very good sub-speciality. Well, I think I still need few more years of experience before I could study to be an ANP. Another thing, I need money to send myself to uni, so I might do that if I have a husband to feed me while studying. HAHAHAHA. Sounds like a good plan to me!

I know that I'm that kind of person who loves making super future plans. I get anxious if I don't look forward or plan on something ahead, because I feel like I'm not going anywhere. Looking back, I never imagined that I'll be in the UK in my mid 20s, but here I am when everybody thought I'd be in America.

Sometimes God does brings us to a place that he thinks is the best for us. I'm not complaining (well despite the low wage, but I can work on that tho) because I love my job. He gave me so many challenges and I'm happy that I rose above it.

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Walking around the village this evening, I kept on seeing these houses for sale along our street. There's this attached and kinda big semi-detached one. I can't help but imagine my future family home, and of course a house that I could buy while I'm still single. I've looked up all their prices previously, and it costs so much money. With my current salary, I wont be able to afford it at all. And then I remembered what Nanay used to tell me when I get amazed with the cars I used to see back in college. She told me "You can buy that kind of car if you study well." Now, I'm finished with school and now abroad, I could afford that IF I WORK EXTRA SHIFTS!

Not saying I'm in dire need of money, but I actually need money to pay my card, and afford that plane ticket to NY and probably fund my travel there. Plus if I actually want to make my house plans for Papa happen, I should start now.


ALRIGHT LHEA! WORK WORK WORK!!!!

Back here

I have a lot of self issues that I need to address, but since I got a new laptop now, I have a chance to air my thoughts in here much often.

Too much dating (though not often) is burdensome to me already, that I don't want to meet people solely to distract myself although I act all these interested about what they say. I kinda took a toll on myself as well since it kinda added few more people for me to sort out.

Going back to the Philippines really helped me. I was back to my comfort place (despite the very bad internet), and reminded me who I really am before I came here, and realized how I changed (in a good way).

So yeah, happy to be back!!! :)

Very wrong?

I guess I'm just using this blog to exhaust my frustrations, or just to hear myself from everything I'm overthinking these past few days.

Disclaimer: To my UK friends, I hope yall wont get shocked with my posts here. Just in case anyone on you happen to find this.

I'm quite confused with my feelings for this Brit guy I used to see. He was the one I mentioned in my last entry. After that July happening, he texted me around October up until December. We just annoyed each other and didn't come into terms about things. Being the stubborn person that I am, I just argued with everything he said. We did see each other again before New Year and talked about kinda serious things. He told me about this girl he likes, and I told him that I like someone else as well (which is true). I even said to him that we should stop everything in 2019, which he reluctantly agreed.

Idk if I'm being such a forgetful person, that I texted him after New Year and he reminded me to stick to my word. After that, I stopped messaging him.

But these past few weeks, I can't help but think about him. Weird, but I miss his annoying ass sometimes. This is where things get confusing, because I think I like him but I just deny it to myself. Or maybe I just miss his attention. I dont know anymore.

We did texted each other yesterday, and he seemed different: not as arguing as before. It's nice to be talking like normal people, but I'm not used to it. A part of me wants to annoy him, but I feel like I'm proving myself more that I'll be forever childish.

This shouldn't be a problem, but I just can't stop thinking about it. Ugh.

Confused Part 1

I've never been so confused about my feelings in my entire life. I mean, I never encountered any problems that involves guys who likes me, rather I'm the one who likes them instead.

Basically, I actually kinda dated 2 guys at the same time few weeks ago. There's this same-aged British guy whom I went out on a date, but ghosted me for a week, and then called me back when he was sick. The next day, he told me that he's not comfortable seeing me anymore. Then, he listed his "reasons" why, and it baffled me that all of it was because of the day before that. He told me that I was childish and clingy. I accept the childish part, but clingy? Hello gentleman, I think it's you who's clingy between us tho? Anyway, as the Lhea that I am, I just wholly accepted what he said and let him go. Sadly, I was just starting to like him. Alexa! Play Best Thing I Never Had by Beyonce!!

Three days before the thing with the Brit guy, me and this younger Polish guy I once dated before and turned down because I see him as a lil brother that I want to take care, met again in the same park from last winter. We talked and I offered friendship once again and he rejected me. The guy literally likes me and I felt so bad that it's been months but he still felt the same. I gave him (and myself, too) a chance to meet often and get to know each other. I can see how happy he was. And honestly, we connect on a mental level. We're both deep thinkers, but after texting the next day, I realized that we have different POV in life. Since I'm busy with work, I didn't get to text him often, and at the same time I don't want to be a part of his system as well. I thought really hard if this is going to make me happy: giving myself a chance to get to know someone, and possibly having a relationship; but I guess this is not me and for me. Everything took a toll on my peace of mind actually, and when I talked to the guy again, he doesn't seem as excited as before (probably because I never contacted him for 3 days). And that's when I decided to ghost him: block him on my phone and on SNS.

Since then, I felt a lot more at peace and true to myself. I'd rather stay on my own lane, than try those things again. As what I always say, I'd always choose someone I like than the other way around. I'd rather be hurt because of it, rather than hurting another person and hurting myself at the same time. I'm happy being with my crush, and that's what matters for me rn. Things might not turn out the way I want to, but this is where I feel happy, secured, and understood. :)

Professional Tambay

So yeah, I'm unemployed for a year now and as much as I want to enjoy this chill life, I can't since I have loads of exams to review on. Haha. Well anyway, I didn't tambay-ed for the entire time since I worked on my IELTS and CBT exam last year. Now, I'm just waiting for my Decision Letter from NMC. 😭

Honestly, I feel like the time passed by really quickly. I feel like it was just yesterday when I'm complaining that I don't have a job, then finally working here in Palawan, resigned to review for IELTS, passed my CBT, and now waiting for my precious DL. I feel proud in my self actually that I made it. Hopefully I'll still be lucky for the years to come. Everything that I achieved right now is also a product of my hardwork too, so I wanna pat my back for that :)) I'm quite excited that I'm working on my future now. I hope that this is God's plan for me. 😉

Even though I cherish my free time a lot, I miss working in the hospital too, and also my peers. I'm happy that I was blessed with a supportive colleagues with me then. I may have encountered problems, but it was just minor setbacks in my employed life. I learned a lot from it.

Few months or weeks to go, I might be in a workplace already (I really hope and pray so!) and probably enjoying everything around me. But yeah, that's the start of my never ending OFW life, but I'll make sure that I'll make the most out of it.

Go Lhea!!!!

Worrying

 Honestly, I've always been so conflicted in my life that I can't even get used to it.

I want to work for the mean time so that I wont depend too much on papa, but I feel like I should just focus on my review since it was the reason why I left my work.

I want to stay here in my current dorm, but my contract will end this July. I'm planning to move with my former workmates but I think I will annoy them or I will be annoyed when I won't get to have my me time and choose to stay in my bed and sleep. 

1 month to go before my 4th and hopefully the super last IELTS exam. So help me God! I'm actually dying of worrying about my other exams like CBT and OSCE. Huhu

That's all. Kbye

Yeah, I finally knew

I think we all have our own struggles that we keep from other people. Not that we keep it as a form of a secret, but for the other person or people to be free from worrying about it. Just like our parents, sometimes we see them as normal individuals who work, cater our needs at home, and deal with the family problems and monthly bills. But what we don’t see is that they have their own struggles apart from the family’s. While we’re busy dealing with our own problems, they are also busy with theirs. And while we whine at them for not understanding us, we are actually the ones who don’t take time to understand them.

The reason why I made this entry is that I feel like a misunderstanding daughter all these time. All along, I thought I was great and I deal with things coolly, but it wasn’t really like that. I thought I understood my father, but I was wrong. With what I mentioned on the first paragraph, majority of it applies to me and my father. Yes, I had tons of worries and struggles and I tried to keep it away from him because I don’t want to be a burden and I’m quite shy to ask things from him. There are also times that I wanted to whine about how little my allowance was, and that he’s trying to starve me during my unemployment days. Well, I admit that I was totally wrong and good thing that my struggles while working in the province made me realize a lot of things that contributed to my so-called maturity.

I talked to my dad about me worrying about him and I asked him to share his worries to me since her daughter is all grown-up. I told him that he could count on me now and I’m willing to help him whatever I can. While things were getting serious, I started sharing my own worries when I was a kid that I haven’t said to him even before. Then, I offered some advices to him on his own problems and promised to help him more once my overseas employment (that I’m working on right now, and wishing that it’ll work out) pushes through. Then, I teared up when he mentioned something about Mama whom he was really in sync with, but left him just after four years of marriage. (Well, I value any words I could hear especially when it’s all about Mama. It feels good to get to know bits about my mom that I didn’t get to know personally.)

Honestly, I grew up viewing Papa as a weak person, well maybe because of his attitude and that I was not able to know him better as an individual. I was a bit rebellious in high school because I hated how dumb he is in his decisions before, and as the “intelligent” kid that I “was,” I tried to teach him a lesson so that he’ll learn from  it. Well, kinda regretted how disrespectful I was (good thing that was just a phase) and how I hurt his feeling, to think that he didn’t even got mad at me in return. He swallowed every words that I said and kept his own sadness. Thinking about it now pains me a lot too. I promised him that I would be a reliable daughter who will hug him whenever he feels sad, and will offer good advices too. My dad needs me more than he needs me so I have to strive hard at work.

This entry is quite disorganized, right? As usual J As much as possible, I want to post some of my life realizations and hospital adventures here but I’m quite lazy to post it here. I hope if any youngsters would read this, I hope they’ll get a lesson from it even though this post is so bitin. Haha. Anyeong!

Gratefulness

Sometimes, if not most of the time, things that you aren’t expecting is definitely the best one.

Earlier, a woman came to ER to personally thank the nurses who took care of her kid. Her son came to ER with ongoing episode of seizure and has hydrocephalus. I cannot remember the feelings that I had during that time but I remember inserting him an IV with Mam Janett giving Diazepam. I was also the one who admitted him to the ward. Aside from having a patient like him with a special case, I just treated it like a usual night at work. But with that mother coming to us thanking personally, and telling how we made a good job taking care of him and even inserting an IV at one try (he didn’t had any reinsertions at the ward), that made me totally feel great and made me smile up to my ears.

 I wasn’t expecting anything but that gratefulness from her ignited me to work better. I was just doing my usual job, and for them, just my IV insertion to his kid is a big thing already since his IVs usually gets infiltrated or he easily gets hematoma after insertions. I just got lucky because his veins are good at that time.


The moment when the mother came in, our nurse supervisor (Mam Nic), my senior nurse (Mam Janett), and my co-nurses were all there and heard the good things that the mother said to me. I felt like I hit the jackpot even though I wasn’t promoted (if I got promoted, I will totally feel ambivalent. Seriously). Haha, good words are much better. Hihi

I guess, that was one of the beauty of working in a public hospital: having people with nothing appreciating every single deed you make. With this as a confirmation, I might be doing a good job and just continue what I’m doing. I hope this will always remind me to work well in the future.

Leggo Nurse Lei!!!!!

Rocks..

I went through a lot of work-related difficulties last week, that I had to unleash my frustrations at home, and that leaves me nowhere to go.

Honestly, after I learned that my contract has ended, I was so ecstatic to return to Manila to pursue my career there, but then, even though I already want to let go of my job (since heck yeah, my contract's done, so I'm gonna leave), the hospital doesn't seem to let me go. I was totally mind-blown of how my contract has ended, and I wanted to leave ASAP, and the hospital is trying so hard to let me stay as far as they can do. Ugh, and as much as I wanted to say that I'll be leaving, I can't find any reasons since it'll make me swallow everything I said during the interview. (Note to self: Don't you ever again impress other people so much during interviews, they'll expect so much and glue their eyes on you in everything that you do.) I went back to HR just to clarify things but it seemed that I was asking them to help me to remain in the hospital even if it totally wasn't my intention.

Moving on, I'm temporarily hired for a month and I'll still be in PACU. I dunno by next month if I'll still be a temporary worker or not (meaning: not an employee anymore). By now, I'm already thinking about my reason to finally resign by next month. The first one: my parents wanted me to take NCLEX exam, or maybe my dad wants me to process some papers for immigration. Hahaha, sorry, I'm just good in making white lies.

I know the consequences of my plans, and I have a lot of things to sacrifice. Going back to Manila means living a much simpler life that what I had then and what I had here. Then, I have to make a living for myself, since Papa will have a hard time again financially (he knows how I spend), and I already started working for myself, so I have to be responsible enough. Applying for work there will take a loooong time, and more frustrations. I've been to numerous exams and interviews, but it seemed that I didn't passed at all.

Honestly, the feelings I had before is coming back again. Remember how hard it was for me to leave Manila in less than 2 weeks to prepare? Gahd, it was hard for me mentally and emotionally, but I had to face it like a real adult since leaving will be a constant part of my life by the next few years. Now, it's a bit hard for me to leave since I got used to live with Lola again. Yeah, there were times that I get annoyed with her, and she gets annoyed with me, but in the end, we do still care for each other. We're both stubborn people who has a terrifying temper. Living alone again will be hard for me again.

I know that my problem is much simpler than what other people are experiencing. I guess I have to live my life one step at a time, but thinking in advance won't hurt, right? Failing to prepare is preparing to fail (?????). I asked God if this happening is a signal to me that I should do something with my life. I mean, even though I'm already working, I'm still backed by Lola (hey, how can you live by yourself with a low salary like mine??? #governmenthospitalproblems) in everything that I need. Well, there are some kids that still lives with their parents, and the house bills are still shouldered by their parents, and the kids just have to spend their salary to anything not related to montly bills (and, those kids probably save money, too). Btw, I need to test how far I can go by myself. If everything fails, my family will always be at my back. I know they want me to do well by myself, it's just that we are all not confident; me, not being confident that I can do it alone; and them, not being confident that i could live well by myself, including worrying about my safety.

Maybe I'll just wait for what will happen by next month...

Friendships at work: does that really work?

Hey! I recently transferred in PACU and honestly, I've been so stressed since then. I dunno really since I'd get to have patients off from OR, and I also help out in DR in terms of paper works. *Sigh* (Sorry, I couldn't really process my thoughts that's why I let out that sigh. I wanted to stick to my title but I can't since I have to make an introductory paragraph. Any, I'll just go straight to the point next time. No more format considerations.)

I recently realized that one of the reasons why I'm not enjoying my work so far is because of my lack of friends. Any, I can say that Mam Julie, Mam Faith and Mam Irene are the people I'm close with because they were my first workmates, and then Mam Reizel because were both talkative and loves girly stuff. But I think my relationship with them is more on the closeness in workplace level than the friendship that I'm thinking of. I guess, it's really that hard to find friends at work.

Honestly, since I came here I actually brought the attitude of a city girl (not generalizing) who's independent and doesn't mind to get to know people outside her circle (in short, not fond of introductions). Right now, I can make conversations with people since I've been assigned on Male Medical and OB Ward, and then transferring OR patients to Surgical Ward. But then, it's just general conversations and I have to consider the seniority of that person based on the position, age, and how long he/she is working there. Yeah, I do have a lot to mind whenever I talk to them. And then, I don't usually greet some of my co-workers whenever I meet them in the hallways. You may think that I'm the one to be blamed for not having friends, but hey, aside from the fact that I'm shy since I still feel like a newbie, but I don't really know them. I find it somewhat funny that the ER peeps in my new shift are friendly with me (Haha, I was friendly to the ER peeps in my past shift since one was a Cuyonon [we do endorsements in Cuyonon dialect, and the doctors go crazy with our out-of-this-word language], then I knew the other one during my interview). Earlier, one ER staff greeted me twice, calling me Lei/Lhea. (I dunno why people are calling me Lei. Haha, my Manila friends rarely call me in my real nickname. Fine, I should be thankful that even though I didn't tell them about the Lei thing, they still call me that.) Actually, he resembles a bit like my former classmate, Patrick, whenever he's wearing glasses. And I was surprised yesterday that Ana Marie's in Surgical Ward. Quite thankful that Mam Diana and I were not the only FEU kids anymore. FEU-IN represent!!! In the OR Team, my fellow nurses are Mam Che and Sir Cyrus. Sir Cyrus is like a big brother to me because he teaches me how to do charting when it comes to DR cases (sareeh, it's currently my weakness. I still have a lot to learn. I'm in a newbie slump), and checks on me whenever I find something difficult. While Mam Che, she looks quite serious (more like a serious kid since she's not that tall, and she looks young), but she gives me a lot of advices recently. I guess we'll grow closer soon when I get to familiarize myself with everything, well, more since I learned that she's also a book lover. Maybe I should try to buy the books she recommended me.

Moving on, why do you think I made this entry? By just reading what I typed above, I'm not totally friendless, it's just like I have friends in a work level, but not the kind of friendship that you know I'm looking for. If you're an Advo kid, you know you'd totally understand me. I guess I can't move on with the kind of friendship I had in college. The kind of friendship that goes beyond the organization. In Advo, we learned how to work professionally and be the best-est siblings/friends at the same time. I know real life is different, but what I had in Advo can even be possible? I hope so. There are times that I wasn't too enthusiastic in going to work, unlike going to school where I can meet my friends in the classroom and my orgmates afterwards. Having lack of friends here means lesser girl talk (girl talk, regardless who I'm talking with) to none. I mean, even if I share it to Lola, she will just hear me out, but she will not be able to empathize with me at all. Me and Ate Princess isn't at a level where we could talk hospital-related things because, again, she can't empathize with me. That's where a friend at work comes in, because you can empathize with each other.

Looking at my quest to friendship at work, I don't actually make it obvious since I'm being careful with the way I act. There's a lot of things inside the hospital that can't be spilled out, even to your own family. Being able to hear things from different people, you can get hate easily by doing no wrong, or having jealous fellows around. Actually, that's what I'm avoiding right now, especially that promotions is just around the corner and I don't even want to apply for Nurse 1 because of the hate I would get even if I pass or not. Like what I said in my previous post, I don't seem that I'm at par with Nurse 1 position, and I just want to be promoted since I want to get a raise in my salary. (I. NEED. MONEY) Any, even though I don't see myself as a Nurse 1 material, then I'll let the higher ups to decide it for me. Hahahaha. Mommy was telling me to go for it (when it comes to opportunities like this, Mommy rarely says no) even though I don't feel like it.

Going back to the topic, a fellow staff from OR pointed out that maybe the reason that I don't have bosom friends in the hospital is because of my lack of batchmates/age-mates (is it even correct?). I think she's right since I don't usually call someone by name (except Ana Leah [from Cuyo], and Ana Marie [fellow Tam and from a younger batch]), and everyone tends to be older than me, so yeah (the feeling sucks). I feel like we're so strict with the Mam/Sir thing actually. Whenever I think of my PGCPN training, we all call our co-trainees by its first name. Some of us might be older, but we treat and call ourselves equal. How I wish it's like that since having friendships is easier and much natural that way. Me and my co-trainees bond during our free time and in-between breaks, but here, naaah. I guess, I have to live the way they are since I'm already stuck here. I'm really dying to find a way out here, work in Manila, then live independently (minus the help of my own big 3: Papa, Lola, Mommy). I hope I can, since they won't let me live there anymore if I can't live on my own off my own salary. Phew. (I'll make another entry soon).

I guess I'm so preoccupied of finding friendships when I arrived here. I think it's now something to be forced, and it should come naturally. If I won't be able to find something like that, I should just flourish the kind of friendship I left in Manila; that I should keep working on it despite the distance and make them feel that I never really left.

Blurred future

I've been in a deep dilemma in regards to work and future after I arrived here in Puerto. You know me, dilemmas love to stick with me.

Dilemma #1: Well, a friend of mine opened again the idea of me applying for a hospital in Manila again (and thinking about it again made me remember my countless "pending" applications in some hospitals there). I tried to be cool about it since I won't have anything to lose if I won't get accepted in that hospital for the 2nd time (my first application there is still PENDING) since I still have my work here in the province (but honestly, I really want to work there). 

Dilemma #2: Then, when my IELTS exam results were released last night and I tried to assess my scores and qualifications online, it didn't met with the criteria of CIC, which made me me a bit disappointed.

Dilemma #3: To make up for the disappointment, I looked up for some instructions on how to apply for New York's State Board. Gahd, the entire processing will cost me an entire fortune. My savings can only equate for a hundred bucks, and that's isn't enough to pay for all the processing fees. Who would've thought that instead for looking for a job, you'll end up spending all your money, and that is just for the verification and authentication of your acad papers. Ughh.

Honestly, I kinda feel that I'm such in a hurry to move out of the country. I have my reasons why I wanted to leave, but I think it would take years for me to do so.

Now, my contractual work in the hospital seems to come to an end. I dunno, but it seems like that (even though I would be transferred to OR/PACU by next month). By June, it's a whole new battle for promotions and I really really dunno if I should apply for Nurse 1 or not. Being a Nurse 1 has a lot of pros, including a raise in my salary, but I don't feel like I'm at par for a Nurse 1 position. I'm still on my 4th month yet I'm vying for a higher position already. I don't seem fine about it. All I'm thinking was the raise in salary, but my qualifications? Na-ah. I don't think so.In addition, regular employees can't easily file their leave! HAHAHA. I'm planning to return to Manila by November!!! XD

Any, I was thinking of a back-up plan in case that my contract would end during the promotions period (or if I won't apply for a regular position aka Nurse 1). And the only thing that's on my mind is applying again in Manila. Ugh, Sorry, I have a lot in my mind and I can't sort it out that well.

I dunno if you, dear reader, would understand everything that I wrote. But lemme tell you, these kind of dilemmas are prevalent among nurses. Ugh, I think I would sort these things out when I get to know about our meeting's agenda (they would surely touch the topic about

 us contractual nurses), and when Mommy arrives from US. Any, I would still send my papers to my friend, whatever happens. And, maybe I should sleep all these disappointments firsts. Honestly, I want to process my papers already but I happened to be here in the province, and that I could only do as much, Ughhhhh!

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Thanks Spotify for accompanying me. Haha

Boiling point

These past few months was all about working, and I didn't even have time to have fun. My fatigue from my 8-hour shift is what keeps me at home for the next 16 hours. Well, all I have to do is eat and sleep for the next few hours, and go to work again.

Physical fatigue wears off after a long sleep, and good home environment, of course. But this time, when mental fatigue and household issues combines its wrath, it's unleashing the beast in me that was hibernating for a very long time.  I didn't know that I had this in me.

I've lived alone for years in Manila, away from family. When dealing with problems, may it be household, or personal issues, I deal it through thinking and silence. But living independently and going back to living with your family again isn't as easy as I imagined. I've lived with lola for a long time, until I studied college. Unluckily, I still have to deal with another person whom we need to take care of the household chores. I didn't had issues with our former househelps since I've lived with them since I was a kid. Recently, Lola got a new househelp who's younger than me. I didn't mind it at all for the entire month until this week.

It may be as simple as it may seem but the fact that made me reaaally mad was when I found out that my favorite top was totally stained by a blanket that was soaked for days with the former. I'm a person who's not fond of buying new ones and taking care of my clothes by washing it well, even if it takes me forever to finish it. Another thing that made me explode was that it wasn't even cheap. After few days, I've calmed and took the fact that I can't use it again. And now, after folding my clothes for my flight next week, I found out that my another top was also stained. Oh geez, I had enough.

I sound childish, but heck, I deeply value all the things that I have. Mommy even called me when she heard that I was really mad about one shirt, and she promised to buy me another one but I refused. I don't think at anything would easily be replaced just like that. It's funny that I always develop strong attachment to a place (like my apartment), a dress (my 2 ruined tops), and even the tiniest things. She told me that I should get over it because it already happened ( and I answered that it wouldn't have happened if it was washed carefully), and there are things that doesn't go on the way we like. She then mentioned about frustrations, and that's when I started crying and argued my point. Oh yeah, I had a lot of frustrations like not being able to work where I like, being stucked again here in the province, and not being able to enjoy my youth because things seems to be incomplete. I faced those frustrations like a matured person and accepted the fact that I will never get to work where I want, that I'll be stucked here in the province, and that I won't be able to enjoy the things that I want because I'm stucked in a place where all you gonna think everyday is always work. (Fine, I'll exclude how it was working in a hospital everyday.) I moved on with those frustrations and lived my life, but it seems like the much little things can make me crash those solid walls. You won't imagine the fury when I totally get angry. These past few years, I rarely get angry and I hate being angry because it takes time for me to entirely calm myself and it stresses me out, to the point that I want to sleep for weeks.

I'm not supposed to post this here because it would definitely ruin my image as a cheerful person, but I don't care anymore. It's much better that you'd let people realize that each one of us has this kid of character too. These past few days, I thought that my character is getting worse, day by day. I guess it wasn't bad to be "bad" at times when you had enough already. I'm done being the one who understands, and makes rationalization why things go that way. You may think that it's refreshing for something to finally explode, but after that explosion, we definitely get stressed too.

Fine, I've talked so much and you'll realize that I will always be childish for being upset on such simple things. You may not be able to understand why I'm like this, but soon, you'll find out yourself.

감사합니다

Being a nurse working in a public hospital is no easy job. I had it the hard way when I first had my duty since I'm the only bedside nurse (apart from the charge nurse) who's in charge of 24 patients, which sometimes balloons up to forty and occupies even the hallways of the hospital. Even though it sounds tiring and anybody who wants to be a nurse will avoid working in a public hospital, I've learned a lot of things there and made me appreciate simple acts.


We happened to have a patient who had a seizure when we're doing our rounds. For us, it was like oh-yeah-toxic-shift-again scenario, and did the usual thing to help our patient. It was not a good graveyard shift for us and we're up all night to do our job. I was a bit surprised when our patient's daughter showed up at the station holding 2 cups of coffee. We may have our own coffees but the fact that the daughter showed her gratefulness thru those cups of coffee touched us. We just did what we're supposed to do,and she appreciated it. Right before they were discharged, they gave our charge nurse some food to show their appreciation. Too bad that it was my off day since they also want to thank me personally.


Being in a public hospital in my own province means a lot to me because I feel like Im giving back to the people who really needs help. Even though I still want to work in Manila, it's also good that I started my career here in the province, same with mommy who serves as my idol. I've seen a lot of scenarios where people cries because of their loved ones, and patients who goes out in the hospital fully recovered. Stress aside, I think I'm destined to be a nurse, and right now, I can't think any other career for me apart from nursing. I know that this is what I want to do til I get old. :)

Extra Challenge

"God gives the toughest battles to its strongest warriors."

In my entire life, I've been through a lot of health problems, like asthma, heart disease, and now, a health problem that might take me anytime soon. Well, it's not yet confirmed if what was the sickness that I have right now, but I know where this is heading. I'm afraid that this will hamper the life I've been dreaming of, and will cause a lot of sadness and sacrifices for me and my family. This sounds like I'm overacting but I'm really scared on what will happen in the future. I've never been scared like this before.

I haven't told Lola and Papa about this, but Mommy and Kuya already knew since I was talking to them when I found about "this." (To clear this up, I'm not pregnant.) I'll be having a check up this coming week and have some lab tests to see if this is really what I'm suspecting. I'm a nurse and I can already tell if something is happening to my body. I already researched about the problem that I'm suspecting and currently taking some measures.

 I feel like God is really testing me to my limits since I was born until I reached this age. I dunno what he's up to but I know he has great plans for me even though I'm also afraid that his "plans" might not be materialized because of this challenge he has given me. I don't know what to do now since there's a lot of things that are clouding up my mind. Honestly, I have only one person in mind whom I want to talk to right now, but unfortunately, I won't be able to hear her advice.

Think positive Lhea! Kaya mo yan!

Early morning realizations

Lately, I've been asking myself what I really want to do in my life. After my 3-month training, I'm back with my unproductive self, and doing exactly nothing just like last year. Honestly, I really want to work already but opportunities aren't even coming my way.

Earlier this week, I searched for some BPO-related jobs online. Luckily, I was invited for an interview in a company somewhere in BGC. I went there not knowing what to do. I just thought that I'll just go with the flow. If ever they'll accept me, then it's good. If not, then maybe I'll just think about it later. I was just desperate to have a job that's why I tried my luck there. They told me that the result will be released after a day, and unluckily, I didn't received any email from them. Turns out, I failed.

A day before my interview, I told myself that if I won't get hired, maybe that job isn't for me. And it looks like it. Actually, I'm just the one pressuring myself to get a job because I feel that I'm already a heavy burden to my family. Well, I still get allowances from Lola and Papa and I never heard them ranting about my unemployment or even pressuring me to look for a job. I should've applied for a job after I passed the exam, but I chose to get a rest instead.

Sometimes, I blame myself for choosing a course that doesn't have good job opportunities. I know that Nursing isn't in demand nowadays, or even during my college life but I still pursued it. I also thought about shifting to Mass Communications but because of Nanay's last wish, I continued Nursing. There are times that I think I suck in my decisions but I know later on, I will learn from it.

Last Sunday, I started watching Emergency Couple. I enjoyed that drama because it was set in a hospital's ER. Of course, there will be patients, doctors, and especially nurses. Unknowingly, I was already shouting in front of my laptop on what the doctors and the nurses should do, and even brainstorming (on my own) on what was the patient's diagnosis. And because of that, I realized what I really want to do in life. I want to be a person who will save other people, and make them feel well. I guess I was really born to be a life saver. LOL. I wanted to be a doctor, in the first place. But because of some circumstances, I decided not to pursue it anymore and chose to be a nurse instead. Well, they're performing almost the same and works side by side. I guess, I should just stick with  my own profession :)

I guess I just have to endure any problems that will go along my way. I'm fortunate to have a good family, and I know that time will come, and I will be able to repay what they've done. This unemployment will surely come to an end. I should work well, pray hard, and trust whatever God has planned for me.

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I've been worrying a lot these days. Well, I felt better after blogging this one :)

Yo Momma!

I woke up super early today so to kill the time, I decided to watch We Got Married (well, especially the episodes where the CNBLUE boys appeared). While browsing the episode guide, I was quite curious in an episode where Seo Hyun (yes, SNSD) met Yong Hwa's omma (mother). To share what happened during their meeting, YH's mom was really accomodating, cute, funny, and appreciative. Looks like she approves SH as her daughter-in-law (WGM is just a virtual marriage show). And I just noticed that SK guys adore their moms so much.

Actually, that episode gave me the reason to blog today. Well, I won't fangirl on YongHwa this time but I want to explore my inner thoughts if ever I would be a soon to be daughter-in-law, and maybe a future mother-in-law.

In my current situation, I don't think that I'll be qualified to be a soon to be daughter-in-law because I don't even know how to cook. Well, I'm doing good in frying lately and then I also cooked adobo (which tastes very good). I think I would be more proud if I'd be able to cook my favorite sinigang and nanay's signature beef steak. (And my tummy says *growl* literally) Moving on, aside from the cooking skills that I lack, I think I'd definitely get a plus points when I get to talk to my future in-laws. Haha, you know me, I'm really good in conversations. :) I know that I'm not the kind of person who likes to give presents, so I have to make up for it. But if fortunately I have to budget, well I'll definitely buy something. It's just that I'm not good in choosing gifts. HAHAHA. Since elementary, I already had a "biyenan" (mother-in-law)! Hahaha. Well, she was my classmate-slash-crush's mom. She's very good to me, and until now, she still calls me to check me up. There were times during high school that they wished that I could be a future member of their family. Lol. It's funny that I get to share these things here but you know, I'm not really serious with the in-law thingy before. It's just that our families were very close before :D

Moving forward, even though I don't have any kids yet, I feel excited to be a future mother-in-law! HAHAHA. (Funniest thing you've ever heard from me) Well, I always wanted to have a son and it would be really perfect if I get to meet his future wife. I'm always the ecstatic person in every event, you know. Even to my friends' bf/gf, I get too excited to meet them. Well, the excitement would be much different when it comes to my son. Haha. As of now, I don't have any qualifications for my future daughter-in-law because as you all now, I myself doesn't even have my future in-laws. HAHAHAHA. Well, I'll just think about it few years from now. :)

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I just noticed that my blog can already be a family guide. Haha. From tales of an NBSB, to marriage, how to raise your kids, and how to be an in-law. HAHAHAHA. :)

Are you ready?

These past few days, my news feed is all about weddings (HS schoolmate and college batchmate) and being invited to a baby shower of my college barkada. Not that I'm not happy for them but a sudden thought bubble popped out of my head while washing my dishes: (if I were in their position) Am I ready for a married life?

I know this is a funny thing especially me talking about it. How come I already thought about marrying when I still don't have someone to marry with? Well, take out the husband-to-be in the equation.

In my past entries, I talked about my future plans for my kids and now, it's all about crossing to what we call, THE REALITY. Starting a family is not a joke. I think, when the couple already thought about marrying, they start to prepare themselves physically, emotionally, spiritually, and financially. You will not be just boyfriends or girlfriends that would splurge their salaries to things that will just make them happy for the mean time. When you think of building your future, aside from planning the wedding, you also plan for your future savings. I learned from Papa that Mama already managed his money since 1988, and they married in 1991. (My mom is an accountant, so she must be that good in taking care of finances) Another thing, it's much better if the both of you already had investments while you were still single, or young. It's a nice way to put your money in something that will soon be useful. (I learned this one again from my parents. I'm quite lucky that they put their money into good use)

Wait.. Stop.

I'm not trying to write an entry on how to start your family, but I'm just quite concerned if I would be getting married at the moment. Emotionally and mentally-wise, I'm not yet ready. Even though I act like a grown up woman in the exterior, I'm still a messy kid at home. If you would raid my apartment, you would ask if a Haiyan-like storm bulldozed my place. (Told ya) Next, I can't imagine myself taking care of my kid. Hello, I'm still having fun spazzing over CNBLUE, staying up late to watch all of their videos and stuff. I would be an irresponsible mom at this age. And lastly, I suck in managing finances. (KFly) My uncle shared how he work hard abroad to send money for his family here, and he feels like it's still not enough since my cousin will be in college this coming school year. He also shared how my mom told him the same things when he was still single then, and mama just had me. He said that my mom worked hard to feed me, thinking that milk was just my food then. She made him realize how hard it is to have your own family. I know it's not all about the happiness. There will be tough times, and you can't avoid that. You just have to be ready whenever it lurks on your way.

Well, maybe next time the thought of being pregnant would knock in my thoughts. HAHAHA.

Give me some space

Honestly, "frustration" post talaga to kaso ewan ko, wala na akong maisip i-type mula ng binuksan ko yung window na to.

Frustration number 1: ANONG KLASENG RESEARCH AND MAGAGAGAWA NAMIN IN TWO MONTHS?

Frustration number 2: DI KO MAKAKASAMA DITO SA APARTMENT YUNG PINSAN KO. Which means kargo ko na naman lahaaaaat ng rent and utility bills.

Frustration number 3: ASAN NA BA YANG MGA TRABAHONG YAN? Sarap magmura kasi mag-iisang taon na akong nag-take ng board exam. Sa July 8, 1 year na akong pumasa. Sa September 26 naman, 1 year ko ng nakuha PRC ID ko. YUNG TOTOO?

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Ayan ang frustration ng isang unemployed nurse na kagaya ko. KBYE.