I think we all have our own struggles that we keep from
other people. Not that we keep it as a form of a secret, but for the other
person or people to be free from worrying about it. Just like our parents,
sometimes we see them as normal individuals who work, cater our needs at home,
and deal with the family problems and monthly bills. But what we don’t see is
that they have their own struggles apart from the family’s. While we’re busy
dealing with our own problems, they are also busy with theirs. And while we
whine at them for not understanding us, we are actually the ones who don’t take
time to understand them.
The reason why I made this entry is that I feel like a
misunderstanding daughter all these time. All along, I thought I was great and
I deal with things coolly, but it wasn’t really like that. I thought I
understood my father, but I was wrong. With what I mentioned on the first
paragraph, majority of it applies to me and my father. Yes, I had tons of
worries and struggles and I tried to keep it away from him because I don’t want
to be a burden and I’m quite shy to ask things from him. There are also times
that I wanted to whine about how little my allowance was, and that he’s trying
to starve me during my unemployment days. Well, I admit that I was totally
wrong and good thing that my struggles while working in the province made me
realize a lot of things that contributed to my so-called maturity.
I talked to my dad about me worrying about him and I asked
him to share his worries to me since her daughter is all grown-up. I told him
that he could count on me now and I’m willing to help him whatever I can. While
things were getting serious, I started sharing my own worries when I was a kid
that I haven’t said to him even before. Then, I offered some advices to him on
his own problems and promised to help him more once my overseas employment
(that I’m working on right now, and wishing that it’ll work out) pushes
through. Then, I teared up when he mentioned something about Mama whom he was
really in sync with, but left him just after four years of marriage. (Well, I
value any words I could hear especially when it’s all about Mama. It feels good
to get to know bits about my mom that I didn’t get to know personally.)
Honestly, I grew up viewing Papa as a weak person, well
maybe because of his attitude and that I was not able to know him better as an
individual. I was a bit rebellious in high school because I hated how dumb he
is in his decisions before, and as the “intelligent” kid that I “was,” I tried
to teach him a lesson so that he’ll learn from it. Well, kinda regretted how disrespectful I
was (good thing that was just a phase) and how I hurt his feeling, to think
that he didn’t even got mad at me in return. He swallowed every words that I
said and kept his own sadness. Thinking about it now pains me a lot too. I
promised him that I would be a reliable daughter who will hug him whenever he
feels sad, and will offer good advices too. My dad needs me more than he needs
me so I have to strive hard at work.
This entry is quite disorganized, right? As usual J
As much as possible, I want to post some of my life realizations and hospital
adventures here but I’m quite lazy to post it here. I hope if any youngsters
would read this, I hope they’ll get a lesson from it even though this post is
so bitin. Haha. Anyeong!
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