Wanting and timing

Recently, there was a job posting for Practice Facilitator for our unit. Being the usual Lhea, I'm quite interested because I love a role that could help assist and supervise new nurses. Two of my colleagues encouraged me to do it, so I sent an email to our Lead Educator that I wanted to know more about the role.

Few days later, I met our LE and she told me about the job. But I guess I'm not yet ready for it. I know our previous PF and how often she worked on the ward, yet this one is more office-based for now. I don't think I'll thrive in an office set up, and an 8-6 job during weekdays. And if I truly wanted it, I could've said yes, but being the classic Lhea, I always wanted a way out. I told LE that I haven't had my competency book signed AT ALL (which is true btw). Another thing, I guess I don't want to have bigger responsibility yet, and I'm worried that I won't have extra money because I can't do night shifts for a while. Well, no one's pressuring me to get the job anyway, so I'll just do what I want.

 In the end, I didn't contact LE anymore and I forgot that the interview was yesterday. I heard that someone I knew got the post and was promoted to Band 6. Good for him!

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I guess I am this kind of person who believes in timing, whether it's rushed or a very long term one. I mean, I would've liked that 8-6 job but that would be nice if I have a family to look after. I don't want to keep on working weekends and night shifts if I got kids already. I want to enjoy my time with them, and probably go somewhere and enjoy the weather on a weekend. I dunno who I'll marry in the end, but whoever that may be, I want to be the kind of mum who spends quality time with her (future) family.

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Mommy actually advised me to be a nurse practitioner if I get older, and I guess it's a  good plan. I've been working as a cardiothoracic nurse now, and it's a very good sub-speciality. Well, I think I still need few more years of experience before I could study to be an ANP. Another thing, I need money to send myself to uni, so I might do that if I have a husband to feed me while studying. HAHAHAHA. Sounds like a good plan to me!

I know that I'm that kind of person who loves making super future plans. I get anxious if I don't look forward or plan on something ahead, because I feel like I'm not going anywhere. Looking back, I never imagined that I'll be in the UK in my mid 20s, but here I am when everybody thought I'd be in America.

Sometimes God does brings us to a place that he thinks is the best for us. I'm not complaining (well despite the low wage, but I can work on that tho) because I love my job. He gave me so many challenges and I'm happy that I rose above it.

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Walking around the village this evening, I kept on seeing these houses for sale along our street. There's this attached and kinda big semi-detached one. I can't help but imagine my future family home, and of course a house that I could buy while I'm still single. I've looked up all their prices previously, and it costs so much money. With my current salary, I wont be able to afford it at all. And then I remembered what Nanay used to tell me when I get amazed with the cars I used to see back in college. She told me "You can buy that kind of car if you study well." Now, I'm finished with school and now abroad, I could afford that IF I WORK EXTRA SHIFTS!

Not saying I'm in dire need of money, but I actually need money to pay my card, and afford that plane ticket to NY and probably fund my travel there. Plus if I actually want to make my house plans for Papa happen, I should start now.


ALRIGHT LHEA! WORK WORK WORK!!!!

Confused Part 1

I've never been so confused about my feelings in my entire life. I mean, I never encountered any problems that involves guys who likes me, rather I'm the one who likes them instead.

Basically, I actually kinda dated 2 guys at the same time few weeks ago. There's this same-aged British guy whom I went out on a date, but ghosted me for a week, and then called me back when he was sick. The next day, he told me that he's not comfortable seeing me anymore. Then, he listed his "reasons" why, and it baffled me that all of it was because of the day before that. He told me that I was childish and clingy. I accept the childish part, but clingy? Hello gentleman, I think it's you who's clingy between us tho? Anyway, as the Lhea that I am, I just wholly accepted what he said and let him go. Sadly, I was just starting to like him. Alexa! Play Best Thing I Never Had by Beyonce!!

Three days before the thing with the Brit guy, me and this younger Polish guy I once dated before and turned down because I see him as a lil brother that I want to take care, met again in the same park from last winter. We talked and I offered friendship once again and he rejected me. The guy literally likes me and I felt so bad that it's been months but he still felt the same. I gave him (and myself, too) a chance to meet often and get to know each other. I can see how happy he was. And honestly, we connect on a mental level. We're both deep thinkers, but after texting the next day, I realized that we have different POV in life. Since I'm busy with work, I didn't get to text him often, and at the same time I don't want to be a part of his system as well. I thought really hard if this is going to make me happy: giving myself a chance to get to know someone, and possibly having a relationship; but I guess this is not me and for me. Everything took a toll on my peace of mind actually, and when I talked to the guy again, he doesn't seem as excited as before (probably because I never contacted him for 3 days). And that's when I decided to ghost him: block him on my phone and on SNS.

Since then, I felt a lot more at peace and true to myself. I'd rather stay on my own lane, than try those things again. As what I always say, I'd always choose someone I like than the other way around. I'd rather be hurt because of it, rather than hurting another person and hurting myself at the same time. I'm happy being with my crush, and that's what matters for me rn. Things might not turn out the way I want to, but this is where I feel happy, secured, and understood. :)

Worrying

 Honestly, I've always been so conflicted in my life that I can't even get used to it.

I want to work for the mean time so that I wont depend too much on papa, but I feel like I should just focus on my review since it was the reason why I left my work.

I want to stay here in my current dorm, but my contract will end this July. I'm planning to move with my former workmates but I think I will annoy them or I will be annoyed when I won't get to have my me time and choose to stay in my bed and sleep. 

1 month to go before my 4th and hopefully the super last IELTS exam. So help me God! I'm actually dying of worrying about my other exams like CBT and OSCE. Huhu

That's all. Kbye

Yeah, I finally knew

I think we all have our own struggles that we keep from other people. Not that we keep it as a form of a secret, but for the other person or people to be free from worrying about it. Just like our parents, sometimes we see them as normal individuals who work, cater our needs at home, and deal with the family problems and monthly bills. But what we don’t see is that they have their own struggles apart from the family’s. While we’re busy dealing with our own problems, they are also busy with theirs. And while we whine at them for not understanding us, we are actually the ones who don’t take time to understand them.

The reason why I made this entry is that I feel like a misunderstanding daughter all these time. All along, I thought I was great and I deal with things coolly, but it wasn’t really like that. I thought I understood my father, but I was wrong. With what I mentioned on the first paragraph, majority of it applies to me and my father. Yes, I had tons of worries and struggles and I tried to keep it away from him because I don’t want to be a burden and I’m quite shy to ask things from him. There are also times that I wanted to whine about how little my allowance was, and that he’s trying to starve me during my unemployment days. Well, I admit that I was totally wrong and good thing that my struggles while working in the province made me realize a lot of things that contributed to my so-called maturity.

I talked to my dad about me worrying about him and I asked him to share his worries to me since her daughter is all grown-up. I told him that he could count on me now and I’m willing to help him whatever I can. While things were getting serious, I started sharing my own worries when I was a kid that I haven’t said to him even before. Then, I offered some advices to him on his own problems and promised to help him more once my overseas employment (that I’m working on right now, and wishing that it’ll work out) pushes through. Then, I teared up when he mentioned something about Mama whom he was really in sync with, but left him just after four years of marriage. (Well, I value any words I could hear especially when it’s all about Mama. It feels good to get to know bits about my mom that I didn’t get to know personally.)

Honestly, I grew up viewing Papa as a weak person, well maybe because of his attitude and that I was not able to know him better as an individual. I was a bit rebellious in high school because I hated how dumb he is in his decisions before, and as the “intelligent” kid that I “was,” I tried to teach him a lesson so that he’ll learn from  it. Well, kinda regretted how disrespectful I was (good thing that was just a phase) and how I hurt his feeling, to think that he didn’t even got mad at me in return. He swallowed every words that I said and kept his own sadness. Thinking about it now pains me a lot too. I promised him that I would be a reliable daughter who will hug him whenever he feels sad, and will offer good advices too. My dad needs me more than he needs me so I have to strive hard at work.

This entry is quite disorganized, right? As usual J As much as possible, I want to post some of my life realizations and hospital adventures here but I’m quite lazy to post it here. I hope if any youngsters would read this, I hope they’ll get a lesson from it even though this post is so bitin. Haha. Anyeong!

Gratefulness

Sometimes, if not most of the time, things that you aren’t expecting is definitely the best one.

Earlier, a woman came to ER to personally thank the nurses who took care of her kid. Her son came to ER with ongoing episode of seizure and has hydrocephalus. I cannot remember the feelings that I had during that time but I remember inserting him an IV with Mam Janett giving Diazepam. I was also the one who admitted him to the ward. Aside from having a patient like him with a special case, I just treated it like a usual night at work. But with that mother coming to us thanking personally, and telling how we made a good job taking care of him and even inserting an IV at one try (he didn’t had any reinsertions at the ward), that made me totally feel great and made me smile up to my ears.

 I wasn’t expecting anything but that gratefulness from her ignited me to work better. I was just doing my usual job, and for them, just my IV insertion to his kid is a big thing already since his IVs usually gets infiltrated or he easily gets hematoma after insertions. I just got lucky because his veins are good at that time.


The moment when the mother came in, our nurse supervisor (Mam Nic), my senior nurse (Mam Janett), and my co-nurses were all there and heard the good things that the mother said to me. I felt like I hit the jackpot even though I wasn’t promoted (if I got promoted, I will totally feel ambivalent. Seriously). Haha, good words are much better. Hihi

I guess, that was one of the beauty of working in a public hospital: having people with nothing appreciating every single deed you make. With this as a confirmation, I might be doing a good job and just continue what I’m doing. I hope this will always remind me to work well in the future.

Leggo Nurse Lei!!!!!

Friendships at work: does that really work?

Hey! I recently transferred in PACU and honestly, I've been so stressed since then. I dunno really since I'd get to have patients off from OR, and I also help out in DR in terms of paper works. *Sigh* (Sorry, I couldn't really process my thoughts that's why I let out that sigh. I wanted to stick to my title but I can't since I have to make an introductory paragraph. Any, I'll just go straight to the point next time. No more format considerations.)

I recently realized that one of the reasons why I'm not enjoying my work so far is because of my lack of friends. Any, I can say that Mam Julie, Mam Faith and Mam Irene are the people I'm close with because they were my first workmates, and then Mam Reizel because were both talkative and loves girly stuff. But I think my relationship with them is more on the closeness in workplace level than the friendship that I'm thinking of. I guess, it's really that hard to find friends at work.

Honestly, since I came here I actually brought the attitude of a city girl (not generalizing) who's independent and doesn't mind to get to know people outside her circle (in short, not fond of introductions). Right now, I can make conversations with people since I've been assigned on Male Medical and OB Ward, and then transferring OR patients to Surgical Ward. But then, it's just general conversations and I have to consider the seniority of that person based on the position, age, and how long he/she is working there. Yeah, I do have a lot to mind whenever I talk to them. And then, I don't usually greet some of my co-workers whenever I meet them in the hallways. You may think that I'm the one to be blamed for not having friends, but hey, aside from the fact that I'm shy since I still feel like a newbie, but I don't really know them. I find it somewhat funny that the ER peeps in my new shift are friendly with me (Haha, I was friendly to the ER peeps in my past shift since one was a Cuyonon [we do endorsements in Cuyonon dialect, and the doctors go crazy with our out-of-this-word language], then I knew the other one during my interview). Earlier, one ER staff greeted me twice, calling me Lei/Lhea. (I dunno why people are calling me Lei. Haha, my Manila friends rarely call me in my real nickname. Fine, I should be thankful that even though I didn't tell them about the Lei thing, they still call me that.) Actually, he resembles a bit like my former classmate, Patrick, whenever he's wearing glasses. And I was surprised yesterday that Ana Marie's in Surgical Ward. Quite thankful that Mam Diana and I were not the only FEU kids anymore. FEU-IN represent!!! In the OR Team, my fellow nurses are Mam Che and Sir Cyrus. Sir Cyrus is like a big brother to me because he teaches me how to do charting when it comes to DR cases (sareeh, it's currently my weakness. I still have a lot to learn. I'm in a newbie slump), and checks on me whenever I find something difficult. While Mam Che, she looks quite serious (more like a serious kid since she's not that tall, and she looks young), but she gives me a lot of advices recently. I guess we'll grow closer soon when I get to familiarize myself with everything, well, more since I learned that she's also a book lover. Maybe I should try to buy the books she recommended me.

Moving on, why do you think I made this entry? By just reading what I typed above, I'm not totally friendless, it's just like I have friends in a work level, but not the kind of friendship that you know I'm looking for. If you're an Advo kid, you know you'd totally understand me. I guess I can't move on with the kind of friendship I had in college. The kind of friendship that goes beyond the organization. In Advo, we learned how to work professionally and be the best-est siblings/friends at the same time. I know real life is different, but what I had in Advo can even be possible? I hope so. There are times that I wasn't too enthusiastic in going to work, unlike going to school where I can meet my friends in the classroom and my orgmates afterwards. Having lack of friends here means lesser girl talk (girl talk, regardless who I'm talking with) to none. I mean, even if I share it to Lola, she will just hear me out, but she will not be able to empathize with me at all. Me and Ate Princess isn't at a level where we could talk hospital-related things because, again, she can't empathize with me. That's where a friend at work comes in, because you can empathize with each other.

Looking at my quest to friendship at work, I don't actually make it obvious since I'm being careful with the way I act. There's a lot of things inside the hospital that can't be spilled out, even to your own family. Being able to hear things from different people, you can get hate easily by doing no wrong, or having jealous fellows around. Actually, that's what I'm avoiding right now, especially that promotions is just around the corner and I don't even want to apply for Nurse 1 because of the hate I would get even if I pass or not. Like what I said in my previous post, I don't seem that I'm at par with Nurse 1 position, and I just want to be promoted since I want to get a raise in my salary. (I. NEED. MONEY) Any, even though I don't see myself as a Nurse 1 material, then I'll let the higher ups to decide it for me. Hahahaha. Mommy was telling me to go for it (when it comes to opportunities like this, Mommy rarely says no) even though I don't feel like it.

Going back to the topic, a fellow staff from OR pointed out that maybe the reason that I don't have bosom friends in the hospital is because of my lack of batchmates/age-mates (is it even correct?). I think she's right since I don't usually call someone by name (except Ana Leah [from Cuyo], and Ana Marie [fellow Tam and from a younger batch]), and everyone tends to be older than me, so yeah (the feeling sucks). I feel like we're so strict with the Mam/Sir thing actually. Whenever I think of my PGCPN training, we all call our co-trainees by its first name. Some of us might be older, but we treat and call ourselves equal. How I wish it's like that since having friendships is easier and much natural that way. Me and my co-trainees bond during our free time and in-between breaks, but here, naaah. I guess, I have to live the way they are since I'm already stuck here. I'm really dying to find a way out here, work in Manila, then live independently (minus the help of my own big 3: Papa, Lola, Mommy). I hope I can, since they won't let me live there anymore if I can't live on my own off my own salary. Phew. (I'll make another entry soon).

I guess I'm so preoccupied of finding friendships when I arrived here. I think it's now something to be forced, and it should come naturally. If I won't be able to find something like that, I should just flourish the kind of friendship I left in Manila; that I should keep working on it despite the distance and make them feel that I never really left.

Boiling point

These past few months was all about working, and I didn't even have time to have fun. My fatigue from my 8-hour shift is what keeps me at home for the next 16 hours. Well, all I have to do is eat and sleep for the next few hours, and go to work again.

Physical fatigue wears off after a long sleep, and good home environment, of course. But this time, when mental fatigue and household issues combines its wrath, it's unleashing the beast in me that was hibernating for a very long time.  I didn't know that I had this in me.

I've lived alone for years in Manila, away from family. When dealing with problems, may it be household, or personal issues, I deal it through thinking and silence. But living independently and going back to living with your family again isn't as easy as I imagined. I've lived with lola for a long time, until I studied college. Unluckily, I still have to deal with another person whom we need to take care of the household chores. I didn't had issues with our former househelps since I've lived with them since I was a kid. Recently, Lola got a new househelp who's younger than me. I didn't mind it at all for the entire month until this week.

It may be as simple as it may seem but the fact that made me reaaally mad was when I found out that my favorite top was totally stained by a blanket that was soaked for days with the former. I'm a person who's not fond of buying new ones and taking care of my clothes by washing it well, even if it takes me forever to finish it. Another thing that made me explode was that it wasn't even cheap. After few days, I've calmed and took the fact that I can't use it again. And now, after folding my clothes for my flight next week, I found out that my another top was also stained. Oh geez, I had enough.

I sound childish, but heck, I deeply value all the things that I have. Mommy even called me when she heard that I was really mad about one shirt, and she promised to buy me another one but I refused. I don't think at anything would easily be replaced just like that. It's funny that I always develop strong attachment to a place (like my apartment), a dress (my 2 ruined tops), and even the tiniest things. She told me that I should get over it because it already happened ( and I answered that it wouldn't have happened if it was washed carefully), and there are things that doesn't go on the way we like. She then mentioned about frustrations, and that's when I started crying and argued my point. Oh yeah, I had a lot of frustrations like not being able to work where I like, being stucked again here in the province, and not being able to enjoy my youth because things seems to be incomplete. I faced those frustrations like a matured person and accepted the fact that I will never get to work where I want, that I'll be stucked here in the province, and that I won't be able to enjoy the things that I want because I'm stucked in a place where all you gonna think everyday is always work. (Fine, I'll exclude how it was working in a hospital everyday.) I moved on with those frustrations and lived my life, but it seems like the much little things can make me crash those solid walls. You won't imagine the fury when I totally get angry. These past few years, I rarely get angry and I hate being angry because it takes time for me to entirely calm myself and it stresses me out, to the point that I want to sleep for weeks.

I'm not supposed to post this here because it would definitely ruin my image as a cheerful person, but I don't care anymore. It's much better that you'd let people realize that each one of us has this kid of character too. These past few days, I thought that my character is getting worse, day by day. I guess it wasn't bad to be "bad" at times when you had enough already. I'm done being the one who understands, and makes rationalization why things go that way. You may think that it's refreshing for something to finally explode, but after that explosion, we definitely get stressed too.

Fine, I've talked so much and you'll realize that I will always be childish for being upset on such simple things. You may not be able to understand why I'm like this, but soon, you'll find out yourself.

감사합니다

Being a nurse working in a public hospital is no easy job. I had it the hard way when I first had my duty since I'm the only bedside nurse (apart from the charge nurse) who's in charge of 24 patients, which sometimes balloons up to forty and occupies even the hallways of the hospital. Even though it sounds tiring and anybody who wants to be a nurse will avoid working in a public hospital, I've learned a lot of things there and made me appreciate simple acts.


We happened to have a patient who had a seizure when we're doing our rounds. For us, it was like oh-yeah-toxic-shift-again scenario, and did the usual thing to help our patient. It was not a good graveyard shift for us and we're up all night to do our job. I was a bit surprised when our patient's daughter showed up at the station holding 2 cups of coffee. We may have our own coffees but the fact that the daughter showed her gratefulness thru those cups of coffee touched us. We just did what we're supposed to do,and she appreciated it. Right before they were discharged, they gave our charge nurse some food to show their appreciation. Too bad that it was my off day since they also want to thank me personally.


Being in a public hospital in my own province means a lot to me because I feel like Im giving back to the people who really needs help. Even though I still want to work in Manila, it's also good that I started my career here in the province, same with mommy who serves as my idol. I've seen a lot of scenarios where people cries because of their loved ones, and patients who goes out in the hospital fully recovered. Stress aside, I think I'm destined to be a nurse, and right now, I can't think any other career for me apart from nursing. I know that this is what I want to do til I get old. :)

Hey you!

Hello my dearest blog, sorry for not updating you always since my life was really bland these past few months and I felt like a decaying matter inside my apartmenr. Although I have a lot of things to share, please give me some space to share my feelings.
If you happen to read my past entries, it's been a long time since I had friendship-related hanash, so please bear with me since I really have to let it out even though I might regret it soon.
~Hello my dear friend, it wasn't that long ago when I officially reconnected (??) my ties with you. And before our recent meeting, we also bonded with our other friends somewhere. It seems to me that things are quite okay for me now, and that I won't have to deal with awkwardness anymore. But recently, my actions in our recent meeting made quite a misunderstanding for the people around us. I was really passive that night, not in my usual happy self, and avoided a lot of people. I may have avoided other people but not you since we also happened to talk before I went out to have my "me-time." To tell you honestly, I don't want my "me-time" to be a big thing. I don't want to explain anymore why I wanted to read my book more than going out and spend socializing with the kids. What I've done may be deemed as rude if I was with a parent that time, but I think I've never done wrong by just lying on the couch and read the entire night. Okay, I wrote and explained too long about my me-time, and I know you wouldn't even care. Well, boys are boys. Moving on, the next thing that happened was the one that made me feel like a beaten warrior. (And yuck, it's kinda exaggerated tho.) You were there when everything was happening. Yes, as my usual self, I laughed it off, but deep inside, I wasn't really happy. At some point, I asked myself if it was a big mistake that I was too honest with my feelings then, or if I was too carefree to just let people make me look like a fool in front of you. (I'm not mad with those people , but with what they did.) Despite of every word that were bombed to me, you're more of an invisible person more than a spectator. And then friendship comes in. After all the teasing (some are friendly, mild, vut there are also extreme and offending ones), you never attempted to utter a single word, not even trying to stop those things, or defending me. Honestly, that really hurted me. All these time, I took it alone, but when you're there listening, I felt more alone and helpless. And then I asked myself, "Are you a real friend?" I never had any memories of you trying to defend me. I never asked you to do it, but I hope it crossed your mind that I also needed help. I may seem strong, but it doesn't mean I'm strong all the time. There was a part of me saying that you just kept your mouth shut because you don't want to be dragged to my place. But I hope you were sensitive  enough that time. I'm writing this rant entry not as a person who liked you before, but as a troubled friend who sometimes need a person to stand up for her. There were a lot of girls who were in a situation like me, and you even know them. I hope that if ever it happens to someone you know, be that person who will defend them and make them feel that what they used to "feel" isn't a bad thing, or something to be mocked, or making fun of. I doubt if this thing will ever cross your mind, and knowing the male species, this will never ever cross your mind. Even though I wanted you to read this, but it's too late already. Since I'll be moving to another place, it will might take us years before we meet again. I hope you had erased the past image of myself as a giddy college girl who secretly liked you (yeah, it was really embarassing typing it here). I hope that when we meet again, you'll play things cooly (like I pretended I'm doing), than being what you just did all these time.
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If you're an avid reader (oh yes avid reader-slash-advo blogger), you'll definitely know who I'm talking about, and how weird and disorganized (in terms of thought) my entries are.
I'll post some good news soon. Kbye.

Extra Challenge

"God gives the toughest battles to its strongest warriors."

In my entire life, I've been through a lot of health problems, like asthma, heart disease, and now, a health problem that might take me anytime soon. Well, it's not yet confirmed if what was the sickness that I have right now, but I know where this is heading. I'm afraid that this will hamper the life I've been dreaming of, and will cause a lot of sadness and sacrifices for me and my family. This sounds like I'm overacting but I'm really scared on what will happen in the future. I've never been scared like this before.

I haven't told Lola and Papa about this, but Mommy and Kuya already knew since I was talking to them when I found about "this." (To clear this up, I'm not pregnant.) I'll be having a check up this coming week and have some lab tests to see if this is really what I'm suspecting. I'm a nurse and I can already tell if something is happening to my body. I already researched about the problem that I'm suspecting and currently taking some measures.

 I feel like God is really testing me to my limits since I was born until I reached this age. I dunno what he's up to but I know he has great plans for me even though I'm also afraid that his "plans" might not be materialized because of this challenge he has given me. I don't know what to do now since there's a lot of things that are clouding up my mind. Honestly, I have only one person in mind whom I want to talk to right now, but unfortunately, I won't be able to hear her advice.

Think positive Lhea! Kaya mo yan!

Early morning realizations

Lately, I've been asking myself what I really want to do in my life. After my 3-month training, I'm back with my unproductive self, and doing exactly nothing just like last year. Honestly, I really want to work already but opportunities aren't even coming my way.

Earlier this week, I searched for some BPO-related jobs online. Luckily, I was invited for an interview in a company somewhere in BGC. I went there not knowing what to do. I just thought that I'll just go with the flow. If ever they'll accept me, then it's good. If not, then maybe I'll just think about it later. I was just desperate to have a job that's why I tried my luck there. They told me that the result will be released after a day, and unluckily, I didn't received any email from them. Turns out, I failed.

A day before my interview, I told myself that if I won't get hired, maybe that job isn't for me. And it looks like it. Actually, I'm just the one pressuring myself to get a job because I feel that I'm already a heavy burden to my family. Well, I still get allowances from Lola and Papa and I never heard them ranting about my unemployment or even pressuring me to look for a job. I should've applied for a job after I passed the exam, but I chose to get a rest instead.

Sometimes, I blame myself for choosing a course that doesn't have good job opportunities. I know that Nursing isn't in demand nowadays, or even during my college life but I still pursued it. I also thought about shifting to Mass Communications but because of Nanay's last wish, I continued Nursing. There are times that I think I suck in my decisions but I know later on, I will learn from it.

Last Sunday, I started watching Emergency Couple. I enjoyed that drama because it was set in a hospital's ER. Of course, there will be patients, doctors, and especially nurses. Unknowingly, I was already shouting in front of my laptop on what the doctors and the nurses should do, and even brainstorming (on my own) on what was the patient's diagnosis. And because of that, I realized what I really want to do in life. I want to be a person who will save other people, and make them feel well. I guess I was really born to be a life saver. LOL. I wanted to be a doctor, in the first place. But because of some circumstances, I decided not to pursue it anymore and chose to be a nurse instead. Well, they're performing almost the same and works side by side. I guess, I should just stick with  my own profession :)

I guess I just have to endure any problems that will go along my way. I'm fortunate to have a good family, and I know that time will come, and I will be able to repay what they've done. This unemployment will surely come to an end. I should work well, pray hard, and trust whatever God has planned for me.

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I've been worrying a lot these days. Well, I felt better after blogging this one :)

Yo Momma!

I woke up super early today so to kill the time, I decided to watch We Got Married (well, especially the episodes where the CNBLUE boys appeared). While browsing the episode guide, I was quite curious in an episode where Seo Hyun (yes, SNSD) met Yong Hwa's omma (mother). To share what happened during their meeting, YH's mom was really accomodating, cute, funny, and appreciative. Looks like she approves SH as her daughter-in-law (WGM is just a virtual marriage show). And I just noticed that SK guys adore their moms so much.

Actually, that episode gave me the reason to blog today. Well, I won't fangirl on YongHwa this time but I want to explore my inner thoughts if ever I would be a soon to be daughter-in-law, and maybe a future mother-in-law.

In my current situation, I don't think that I'll be qualified to be a soon to be daughter-in-law because I don't even know how to cook. Well, I'm doing good in frying lately and then I also cooked adobo (which tastes very good). I think I would be more proud if I'd be able to cook my favorite sinigang and nanay's signature beef steak. (And my tummy says *growl* literally) Moving on, aside from the cooking skills that I lack, I think I'd definitely get a plus points when I get to talk to my future in-laws. Haha, you know me, I'm really good in conversations. :) I know that I'm not the kind of person who likes to give presents, so I have to make up for it. But if fortunately I have to budget, well I'll definitely buy something. It's just that I'm not good in choosing gifts. HAHAHA. Since elementary, I already had a "biyenan" (mother-in-law)! Hahaha. Well, she was my classmate-slash-crush's mom. She's very good to me, and until now, she still calls me to check me up. There were times during high school that they wished that I could be a future member of their family. Lol. It's funny that I get to share these things here but you know, I'm not really serious with the in-law thingy before. It's just that our families were very close before :D

Moving forward, even though I don't have any kids yet, I feel excited to be a future mother-in-law! HAHAHA. (Funniest thing you've ever heard from me) Well, I always wanted to have a son and it would be really perfect if I get to meet his future wife. I'm always the ecstatic person in every event, you know. Even to my friends' bf/gf, I get too excited to meet them. Well, the excitement would be much different when it comes to my son. Haha. As of now, I don't have any qualifications for my future daughter-in-law because as you all now, I myself doesn't even have my future in-laws. HAHAHAHA. Well, I'll just think about it few years from now. :)

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I just noticed that my blog can already be a family guide. Haha. From tales of an NBSB, to marriage, how to raise your kids, and how to be an in-law. HAHAHAHA. :)

Are you ready?

These past few days, my news feed is all about weddings (HS schoolmate and college batchmate) and being invited to a baby shower of my college barkada. Not that I'm not happy for them but a sudden thought bubble popped out of my head while washing my dishes: (if I were in their position) Am I ready for a married life?

I know this is a funny thing especially me talking about it. How come I already thought about marrying when I still don't have someone to marry with? Well, take out the husband-to-be in the equation.

In my past entries, I talked about my future plans for my kids and now, it's all about crossing to what we call, THE REALITY. Starting a family is not a joke. I think, when the couple already thought about marrying, they start to prepare themselves physically, emotionally, spiritually, and financially. You will not be just boyfriends or girlfriends that would splurge their salaries to things that will just make them happy for the mean time. When you think of building your future, aside from planning the wedding, you also plan for your future savings. I learned from Papa that Mama already managed his money since 1988, and they married in 1991. (My mom is an accountant, so she must be that good in taking care of finances) Another thing, it's much better if the both of you already had investments while you were still single, or young. It's a nice way to put your money in something that will soon be useful. (I learned this one again from my parents. I'm quite lucky that they put their money into good use)

Wait.. Stop.

I'm not trying to write an entry on how to start your family, but I'm just quite concerned if I would be getting married at the moment. Emotionally and mentally-wise, I'm not yet ready. Even though I act like a grown up woman in the exterior, I'm still a messy kid at home. If you would raid my apartment, you would ask if a Haiyan-like storm bulldozed my place. (Told ya) Next, I can't imagine myself taking care of my kid. Hello, I'm still having fun spazzing over CNBLUE, staying up late to watch all of their videos and stuff. I would be an irresponsible mom at this age. And lastly, I suck in managing finances. (KFly) My uncle shared how he work hard abroad to send money for his family here, and he feels like it's still not enough since my cousin will be in college this coming school year. He also shared how my mom told him the same things when he was still single then, and mama just had me. He said that my mom worked hard to feed me, thinking that milk was just my food then. She made him realize how hard it is to have your own family. I know it's not all about the happiness. There will be tough times, and you can't avoid that. You just have to be ready whenever it lurks on your way.

Well, maybe next time the thought of being pregnant would knock in my thoughts. HAHAHA.

Realizations in a rainy day

~Last night, I witnessed some facets of former friendships. It's quite hard to explain but this just only involves four persons, yet you will be able to see a lot of sides by just knowing the story of those two former inseparable buddies. This entry would definitely end up like a novel if I'd write their POVs here. Haha.

Realization 1: "Iba pala pag napagod ka ng magtanong ng 'Ano ba talaga?'"

Realization 2: So close yet so far

Realization 3: Avoidant personality disorder.

Like I've said before, I won't explain much (basta!) in sorts like this. I never imagined that time flies just like that. It feels just yesterday when you've seen them hanging out like BFFs but now seemed like he's just someone whom she/he only knows, by name.

Is it that hard to mutter a single word? Even a single syllable word like "Hi" or "Hello?" Does even saying that hurts your pride? Or just your silence is the only way for you to cover up your "weak side?" Is taking the initiative to eats you up as a person? Wow, ang arte mo po --I would easily say that, even to myself. But I understand that people has their own personal reasons for their actions.

Distance can be measured from millimeter to kilometer, even miles and light years. But I think, the real measure of distance isn't by the use of those metric systems, but it's the absence of connection, or communication. Yes, you might be sitting right to each other, but without connection or communication, that millimeter distance could turn to light year-like one.

I know communication is vital to every friendships, because it is the fuel that keeps up the flame of friendship between two people. But losing that "fuel" could make a big difference, even at a short time. For me, communication is important, but the real test of friendship isn't the one that is always updated with what's hot or what's not, but being the same old friend that kept his flame of friendship alive despite of the time (and challenges) that passed between the both of you (despite the absence of the fuel). 

Lastly, acceptance is important. There will be times that you'll feel like you can't mend what's broken already. Yes, you'll give up and walk away. But wait, take time to understand why things went that way, ask yourself on what you've done already and if no avail, give up, but learn how to accept why those things happen. There must be a reason, always.

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I understand that my entry is quite difficult to comprehend. Sorry, sabog lang ako from duty :D

 

Thoughts of a "future" mom

I've been thinking about my future kids most of the time these days. I don't know if I am that excited to be a parent at this age, or maybe because I'll be turning 21 this Thursday. The thought about it eats a big part of  my time (aside from surfing the net).

Since I am a frustrated athlete in my younger days, I want my kids to develop the talent that I failed to have. My father's side were all athletic people, and most of my cousins play basketball and volleyball for their respective schools and even reached Palarong Pambansa during their days. Well, it's such a pity that I grew up as a sickly person, and that my mother's side is not that supportive in terms of sports. Instead, they're more inclined to academics, and that resulted to my mama, mommy, and uncles to be non-athletic people yet excelled in their studies. (Mommy was a salutatorian and Mama was a 1st Honorable Mention.) I know that acads and sports can be worked together, but unfortunately, some things didn't worked out for me. *sigh* I was asked by my preschool teacher to take piano classes when I was in Nursery because I used to sing well before (singing well as a kid differs from singing well as an adult). She felt like music will be my forte. Too bad I was a lazy kid during weekends and vacation days that I'd rather watch TV all day, lock myself in my room , play dress up, act or speak in front of the mirror, and read tons of books silently. Well, I regret that I didn't took up those piano classes. TT

And because of what I mentioned above, I want my kids to be good both in sports, music, and acads. :) Some of my elder friends said that I sound like a soon-to-be stage mother, but I don't see myself as like that. I would be a very cool mom that will give my kids a lot of choices of  what they want to do, help them empower themselves and gather knowledge from those things I provide to them. Not everyone were given the chance to learn sports and music at a very young age. Those future kids of mine would be very lucky. (Well, before they'll be lucky, me and my future husband should really work hard to provide them all of that. Haha, my conversation with my BFF comes to mind :D)

For sports, I want them to learn how to play basketball, volleyball, and football. Those 3 sports were the popular ones and can be easily played everywhere. But I also want them to learn Judo or Taekwondo, for future self defense :)) I envy my other cousins who got to learn Taekwondo and Judo, too bad I was living in the island with my grandparents, and no one teaches about those sports.

In music, I want them to learn how to play the guitar, drums, violin and piano. Guitar is a very basic instrument, so it should be the first thing they need to practice and then the drums because they're both vital in a band. Haha, I'm also a frustrated drummer. :) Violin and piano, for me, are romantic kind of instruments. They kinda exude a different feeling when it is played. Violin reminds me of Hua Ze Lei. Hahahaha. My mom was a frustrated pianist. Even in her early thirties, she still studied piano. She was able to play only one song in her entire life, which is Unchained Melody. She wanted me to learn piano at an early age so that it won't be difficult for me when I grow but. But yeah, it looks like I took the same direction with my mom.

Honestly, even when I was only 9 years old then, I felt like I'm too old to learn how to play the piano, or learn Taekwondo, Judo, guitar, or even do gymnastics. I always think in advance, and I feel like I'm too old for some things, but it's not. A friend of mine studied guitar in HS, and I can hear him play his guitar from his bedroom (we're neighbors). At 21, my cousin just bought a guitar, and I was like  "She'll have a hard time learning since she's old to start learning about that instrument." I feel like it was just me who hinders myself to do what I want (I think this quote was already printed in Advo :P) In high school, I tried to join the Rondalla Club. I studied how to play banduria by myself, then I was accepted in my junior year. Learning how to play that instrument was an achievement already. I'm thankful with my HS alma mater because of the opportunities that they have for its students. Later on, from drum and lyre (dancing), we shifted to cheerdancing which also involved (a bit of) gymnastics. A 14-year old girl like me won't be that flexible compared to the younger kids who could bend their bodies like rubber. But since I'm in it already, no choice but to continue what I had started. I had the worst body ache I encountered in my entire life after our 1st practice! haha, I couldn't even get up on my bed. Gahd. Haha, for 2 years in the squad, I managed to do bending, a bit of split, and good jumps. I even had a flat tummy those days! Hahaha. I wanted my kids to experience various things that will be helpful for them.

Not that I feel burdened about the thought of having kids, but actually I'm really excited for my future. I'm excited to work and do well in my field so that my dream would be materialized. Haha, I may be too advanced in thinking about this kind of things, but it's much better that you already have a goal for yourself and your future family. In short, a good sense of direction.

Thanks, no thanks

There are times that we refuse to accept the concern of other people. Not that we have a towering pride to accept it, but we feel like we don't need any of their concern, because yeah, we can get past to it.

I'm a the exact example of that kind of person in my second sentence. Sometimes, I'll just let those words of concern pass from my ear going out to my other ear and don't let any single word of that sentence I heard remain in my head.

I've been avoiding a certain person since last month. I unfollowed him/her in Facebook so that I won't see its updates in my news feed. I felt fine in the past weeks that I didn't had any words or photos of him/her in my news feed. Until tonight that I received a tweet asking me what happened with my eye. Upon reading that tweet, I didn't replied because I don't need to explain why my eye is a bit irritated. Another thing is, I'm avoiding him/her, so why ruin my own plan?

But then again, the story I've read (for the second time) this afternoon entered my mind. Friends would ask the other friend what he/she is feeling, because, he/she is his/her friend anyway. 

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*-----* means I don't know how to end this post.

On Gospel's Parenting Lessons

Not that I'm planning to raise a kid this early, but I'm such a fan of those things related to parenting.

I happened to click a link directing to Radyo Palawenos livestreaming, and then they're airing the Cuyunon mass straight from Puerto Princesa Cathedral. I'm really happy because it's been a while since I last heard a Cuyunon mass. It was Fr. Jess (who happened to be our neighbor in Cuyo) who was the celebrant/officiating priest. Sakto na naabutan ko pa yung second reading and then yung Gospel. It's about Joseph's dream of sending Mary and Jesus to Egypt because of King Herod's threat (oh yes, I'm too familiar on this one. Since I studied in a Baptist-run school in Kindergarten, ilang beses na namin tong inulit ulit :) ). Any, I remember that today's the feast of the Holy Family.

Fast-forward to sermon (Gospel din yun diba?), Fr. Jess shared a story about a young thief caught by a policeman. So, the policeman asked the little kid why he committed that crime and where are his parents. And the kid replied that he had nothing to eat, and that his father is a drunkard and his mother's doing nothing at home. The policeman asked about his the kid's and parent's name, and then he answered that his mom is "bruha", his father is "demonyo", he is "demonyito", and they're living in "impyerno." Pissed with the little boy's answer, he accompanied the kid on his way home and then found out the reason why the kid answered his questions that way. Kahit di pa sila nakakalapit sa bahay, naririnig na nila yung away ng mag-asawa and yung pag-banggit ng mga ganung pangalan.

So, the priest asserted that parents should be the model of every kid because in the end, they will mirror how their parents raised them up. Not 100% accurate, but many of us still believe in the saying "Kung ano ang puno, sya rin ang bunga." (And I remember Lola saying "Alangan na mamunga ng mangga yung barantiong (also known as wintermelon) !!") Some kids nowadays forgets about the precious lessons shared to them by their parents. They want to do things "their way" rather than seeking advice from them. I think they're just too excited to grow up, but forgets how to act like a matured one. Being a grown-up kid won't assure you any maturity. Physical maturity maybe? It doesn't mean that even you're old enough to decide for yourself, then you don't need advice from your parents. I think it's your parent's obligation or purpose in life to guide you all the way, and you, as their child, you also have to follow them because, yeah, they're right and they know what's good or not. And this one was related by Fr. Jess to Joseph who followed God's order through his dreams without any complaints or second thoughts. And because of this, Jesus grew up as a good son, and still followed Him to die for our sins.

At the middle of the Gospel, the priest shared about the three important lessons by St. Paul. Those are "mababa leba" or humility, "mapatinawaden" or forgiving, and "mapinasinsayen" or understanding. He said that those are also or should be the main lessons that parents should teach to their kids. I think those are just basic things that are automatic already in every people, but when you think about it, most of us already forget to incorporate those things in our daily lives. He said that these things are learned at home, not in somewhere else. And as a family, it is a must to pray together because prayer is like a strong bond that holds them together.

He also had another story about a little kid who eats with his maternal grandfather. Due to old age, his grandfather started to lose his eyesight already, and always breaks his plate whenever he's eating. And because of that, he was being scolded by the lil kid's mother. So one day, the kiddo's mom saw his son making a plate made on wood, and when she asked him why he made it, he answered that when she gets old, she will use that wooden plate so that she won't break it when she accidentally drops it. I find it really touching since the kid is fully aware on different things about him. Although his mom served as a not-so bad example of a child scolding his parent on his mistakes as an elderly, but then the kid chose to think about the good things he will do if her mother reached in her old age already. Since I grew up with my grandparents, I really know how it was like living with elder people. Yes, they commit mistakes but you can't blame them because it happens when you're old already, and during those times, they need you to be there for them, not as someone who will scold them like a little kid. For me, it is a great achievement to serve your parents (on my part, it's my grandparents) because you owe a lot to them. You will not be here in this world without them. I'm lucky enough to live with my grandparents because I was able to experience the way they raised my mom, although I was quite spoiled by my lolo, being the only grandchild left in Cuyo.

According to St. Paul, those people who take care, love,and respect their parents will receive four graces from God. Those are 1)akabayad sa kasalanan (Your sins will be easily forgiven); 2) masasabat nga lagi ang pangadi (Youre prayers will be easily answered); 3) manggad sa lugta ig manggad sa langit (richness in heaven and Earth); and 4) papalabegen ang kabui (Long life).

Despite of those God's graces I mentioned, serving or following your parents doesn't need something in return. For everything that they have done for us, they didn't asked us to pay them back. But as a good children, they also deserve something from us. Being a good son/daughter who fears God is, I think, enough for them already. Because whatever may happen to us, they will embrace us wholeheartedly. :)

Happiness is a decision

So yesterday, umattend ako ng Simbang Gabi sa UST. Bale first time ko mag-simbang gabi dito sa Manila sa five years na nag-stay ako rito. Since I woke up at 9pm (Dec.21) eh di na ko natulog until 3am. Sa sobrang aga, walang tricycle na dumadaan sa street namin, puro taxi lang. Then I decided na mag-taxi na lang para safe bilang takot akong maglakad mag-isa (kahit na ilang kembot lang ang UST mula sa apartment).

Kumain muna ako sa McDo bago pumasok ng UST. At habang naglalakad ako along Plaza Mayor, super blank lang utak ko. Haha, maliban sa lutang moments ko, may mga time din na naglalakad ako sa wala akong iniisip na kahit ano. Fineel ko lang yung moment na naglalakad ako. Nung asa loob na ako, nakahanap ako ng available seat. Medyo awkward lang kasi nakaupo ako sa pagitan ng dalawang mama. Hahaha. Buti na lang payat ako at kahit maliit na space eh pwede ako. Sa una lang naman ako na-awkward, any pumunta naman ako ng simbahan para magsimba, hindi para ma-awkward kung sino katabi ko.

Nung gospel na, medyo excited ako sa magiging sermon ng pari. Minsan kasi eh nag-aanticipate ako sa magiging topic sa sermon based dun sa scripture na binasa. Wala lang, ganun lang talaga ako. Bale tungkol kasi yun kay St. Joseph at sa panaginip nya. Ikakasal na sila ni Virgin Mary nung nalaman nya na buntis pala to. So syempre kahit sinong lalaki eh mafu-frustrate at madi-disappoint pag nalaman nyang buntis na agad yung pakakasalan nya. Sa sinaunang Israel kasi, pag nalaman na buntis yung babae na walang asawa, bale babatuhin sya to death. Since ayaw naman ni Joseph na mangyari kay Mary yun, nanahimik na lang sya. Then napanaginipan nya yung isang angel na nagsasalita sa kanya, na Mary's conceived by the Holy Spirit at magkaka-anak si Mary ng baby boy at papangalanang Jesus/Emmanuel. And after that, naintindihan na ni Joseph ang lahat at naging maganda yung pang-unawa nya sa nangyari.
Sabi nga kanina, good understanding=good decision=____________ (nakalimutan ko na, acceptance yata?). Kaya pagdating sa mga ganyang problema, wag kang tumingin sa negative side, dapat sa positive side lagi.

 Then yung sumunod naman eh about sa happiest person in the Philippines. Bale isa syang dating pasyente sa UST Hospital na may ankylosing spondilytis (arthritis of the spine accompanied by swelling and pain [in movement]). Isipin mo, bat yung taong may ganung sakit pa yung maituturing na happiest person sa Pilipinas? So sinabi nya sa acceptance speech nya (non-verbatim) na dahil sa sakit nya, naging iba yung pananaw nya sa buhay nya, at kahit ganun man, mas pinili pa rin nyang maging masaya kasi yung kasiyahan hindi mo hinihintay na dumating o mangyari yan, dapat ginagawa mo yan. Kasi ang pagiging masaya, desisyon yan.

Dahil dun, medyo nagising yung diwa ko. In the past few days, medyo hindi ako ganun ka-saya (excluding Dec.19). Syempre may mga problems akong kelangan kong i-deal ng ako lang. Sa sobrang seryoso, parang ayoko gn pag-usapan pa, pero in the end, kelangan ko rin ng tulong kasi hindi ko kaya mag-isa. Well, good thing eh tumawag si Mommy, and poof, solved na yung problema ko (partly). May mga araw na di ko kayang ngumiti o lumabas ng bahay dahil sa preoccupied na yung utak ko ng problema. Well, ganun talaga, dumarating talaga sa buhay natin yan.

After ng mass, napaisip ako na ang happiness, kahit dumating yan sayo, pero kung hindi mo rin pipiliin maging masaya, wala rin. How much more kung hihintayin mong dumating o mangyari ang happiness sayo, tapos wala namang mangyari, edi hindi ka na magiging masaya? Medyo simpleng bagay lang yung happiness pag pinag-uusapan kasi feeling mo automatic na yun, pero hindi pala. Lahat ng bagay eh nangyayari kung pipiliin mo yun. Maswerte nga tayo at may free will tayo, kasi free tayong piliin yung kaligayahan natin. (Haha, wala akong hugot dito guys)

Ayun, bet  ko lang talagang i-share to kasi syempre Christmas season naman, and there's no reason to be sad. Kung may problema man, isipin mo na buong taon eh may problema naman tayo, pwede mo namang kalimutan muna in the next few days. And then, look back at your old problems, and mare-realize mo na nalampasan mo pala yun. Kaya ikaw, kung naghahanap ka ng sign, sorry, hindi ito sign. Ipapaalala ko lang na uso maging masaya. :)

Merry Christmas everyone! :)


(Sa [mga] friend/s kong naiintriga sa post ko last time, pwede nyo ng i-check ang Facebook ko. Now's the perfect time) :D