Friendships at work: does that really work?

Hey! I recently transferred in PACU and honestly, I've been so stressed since then. I dunno really since I'd get to have patients off from OR, and I also help out in DR in terms of paper works. *Sigh* (Sorry, I couldn't really process my thoughts that's why I let out that sigh. I wanted to stick to my title but I can't since I have to make an introductory paragraph. Any, I'll just go straight to the point next time. No more format considerations.)

I recently realized that one of the reasons why I'm not enjoying my work so far is because of my lack of friends. Any, I can say that Mam Julie, Mam Faith and Mam Irene are the people I'm close with because they were my first workmates, and then Mam Reizel because were both talkative and loves girly stuff. But I think my relationship with them is more on the closeness in workplace level than the friendship that I'm thinking of. I guess, it's really that hard to find friends at work.

Honestly, since I came here I actually brought the attitude of a city girl (not generalizing) who's independent and doesn't mind to get to know people outside her circle (in short, not fond of introductions). Right now, I can make conversations with people since I've been assigned on Male Medical and OB Ward, and then transferring OR patients to Surgical Ward. But then, it's just general conversations and I have to consider the seniority of that person based on the position, age, and how long he/she is working there. Yeah, I do have a lot to mind whenever I talk to them. And then, I don't usually greet some of my co-workers whenever I meet them in the hallways. You may think that I'm the one to be blamed for not having friends, but hey, aside from the fact that I'm shy since I still feel like a newbie, but I don't really know them. I find it somewhat funny that the ER peeps in my new shift are friendly with me (Haha, I was friendly to the ER peeps in my past shift since one was a Cuyonon [we do endorsements in Cuyonon dialect, and the doctors go crazy with our out-of-this-word language], then I knew the other one during my interview). Earlier, one ER staff greeted me twice, calling me Lei/Lhea. (I dunno why people are calling me Lei. Haha, my Manila friends rarely call me in my real nickname. Fine, I should be thankful that even though I didn't tell them about the Lei thing, they still call me that.) Actually, he resembles a bit like my former classmate, Patrick, whenever he's wearing glasses. And I was surprised yesterday that Ana Marie's in Surgical Ward. Quite thankful that Mam Diana and I were not the only FEU kids anymore. FEU-IN represent!!! In the OR Team, my fellow nurses are Mam Che and Sir Cyrus. Sir Cyrus is like a big brother to me because he teaches me how to do charting when it comes to DR cases (sareeh, it's currently my weakness. I still have a lot to learn. I'm in a newbie slump), and checks on me whenever I find something difficult. While Mam Che, she looks quite serious (more like a serious kid since she's not that tall, and she looks young), but she gives me a lot of advices recently. I guess we'll grow closer soon when I get to familiarize myself with everything, well, more since I learned that she's also a book lover. Maybe I should try to buy the books she recommended me.

Moving on, why do you think I made this entry? By just reading what I typed above, I'm not totally friendless, it's just like I have friends in a work level, but not the kind of friendship that you know I'm looking for. If you're an Advo kid, you know you'd totally understand me. I guess I can't move on with the kind of friendship I had in college. The kind of friendship that goes beyond the organization. In Advo, we learned how to work professionally and be the best-est siblings/friends at the same time. I know real life is different, but what I had in Advo can even be possible? I hope so. There are times that I wasn't too enthusiastic in going to work, unlike going to school where I can meet my friends in the classroom and my orgmates afterwards. Having lack of friends here means lesser girl talk (girl talk, regardless who I'm talking with) to none. I mean, even if I share it to Lola, she will just hear me out, but she will not be able to empathize with me at all. Me and Ate Princess isn't at a level where we could talk hospital-related things because, again, she can't empathize with me. That's where a friend at work comes in, because you can empathize with each other.

Looking at my quest to friendship at work, I don't actually make it obvious since I'm being careful with the way I act. There's a lot of things inside the hospital that can't be spilled out, even to your own family. Being able to hear things from different people, you can get hate easily by doing no wrong, or having jealous fellows around. Actually, that's what I'm avoiding right now, especially that promotions is just around the corner and I don't even want to apply for Nurse 1 because of the hate I would get even if I pass or not. Like what I said in my previous post, I don't seem that I'm at par with Nurse 1 position, and I just want to be promoted since I want to get a raise in my salary. (I. NEED. MONEY) Any, even though I don't see myself as a Nurse 1 material, then I'll let the higher ups to decide it for me. Hahahaha. Mommy was telling me to go for it (when it comes to opportunities like this, Mommy rarely says no) even though I don't feel like it.

Going back to the topic, a fellow staff from OR pointed out that maybe the reason that I don't have bosom friends in the hospital is because of my lack of batchmates/age-mates (is it even correct?). I think she's right since I don't usually call someone by name (except Ana Leah [from Cuyo], and Ana Marie [fellow Tam and from a younger batch]), and everyone tends to be older than me, so yeah (the feeling sucks). I feel like we're so strict with the Mam/Sir thing actually. Whenever I think of my PGCPN training, we all call our co-trainees by its first name. Some of us might be older, but we treat and call ourselves equal. How I wish it's like that since having friendships is easier and much natural that way. Me and my co-trainees bond during our free time and in-between breaks, but here, naaah. I guess, I have to live the way they are since I'm already stuck here. I'm really dying to find a way out here, work in Manila, then live independently (minus the help of my own big 3: Papa, Lola, Mommy). I hope I can, since they won't let me live there anymore if I can't live on my own off my own salary. Phew. (I'll make another entry soon).

I guess I'm so preoccupied of finding friendships when I arrived here. I think it's now something to be forced, and it should come naturally. If I won't be able to find something like that, I should just flourish the kind of friendship I left in Manila; that I should keep working on it despite the distance and make them feel that I never really left.

Extra Challenge

"God gives the toughest battles to its strongest warriors."

In my entire life, I've been through a lot of health problems, like asthma, heart disease, and now, a health problem that might take me anytime soon. Well, it's not yet confirmed if what was the sickness that I have right now, but I know where this is heading. I'm afraid that this will hamper the life I've been dreaming of, and will cause a lot of sadness and sacrifices for me and my family. This sounds like I'm overacting but I'm really scared on what will happen in the future. I've never been scared like this before.

I haven't told Lola and Papa about this, but Mommy and Kuya already knew since I was talking to them when I found about "this." (To clear this up, I'm not pregnant.) I'll be having a check up this coming week and have some lab tests to see if this is really what I'm suspecting. I'm a nurse and I can already tell if something is happening to my body. I already researched about the problem that I'm suspecting and currently taking some measures.

 I feel like God is really testing me to my limits since I was born until I reached this age. I dunno what he's up to but I know he has great plans for me even though I'm also afraid that his "plans" might not be materialized because of this challenge he has given me. I don't know what to do now since there's a lot of things that are clouding up my mind. Honestly, I have only one person in mind whom I want to talk to right now, but unfortunately, I won't be able to hear her advice.

Think positive Lhea! Kaya mo yan!

Well that's the way it is

I have this aunt who always asks me whether I had a boyfriend before, but just like a song in repeat, I would always say that I don't have time for that.

Not that I'm happy being free, but I think I'm not yet ready to commit myself in things that I'm not sure yet. I don't want to grab any opportunities of having a man while putting my own freedom and selfish happiness on the line. Besides, I don't think that man is already around, keeping an eye on what I'm doing everyday. But if he's already eyeing me, he might be disappointed looking after a girl who's not even productive in the past few months. Well sorry, I'm not in a rush.

Going back, my aunt told me a lot of things about my high school days. Well, those high school stories I wasn't even able to hear. She told me that I had this one classmate/friend that I'm really close, he planned to court me during those days but turned off whenever I share stories about acads, and the burden of being an super active student to the nth level. Well, I don't think it's a loss. I was really focused in my studies before that everything I could utter were mostly about acads. It made me laugh how acads can turn off other people. He's not a loss anyway. Then, I also had this another close friend (as told by Tita) whom I was really close (Haha, I had a lot of close friends in HS), but didn't had the courage to speak up because I'm too focused with my goal to top our class. Hahaha, my aunt told me that I spoiled the chances of having a man during my teenage days. Well, I just laughed and jumped on another topic because I really can't stand it, and that I'm too annoyed talking about those things (especially my tita's way of speaking).

No, I'm not pressured to have a boyfriend these days. I still have a lot of problems that needs to be taken care of. And besides, I haven't prayed for it yet. :) My former bus seatmate told me that those kind of things should not only be wished, but most especially, it is prayed. I should pray for it whenever I'm ready. No need to rush, because I still have a long road to take. Sometimes, I do get annoyed when love lives are being brought up, especially when they start talking about my love life that I don't or should I say, I never had. (Well, I only had crush life.) I'll better talk about my KDrama oppas. Haha.

Hay, good thing I was able to post this one. I was really annoyed this past week. I feel like that topic was being repeated every minute. After a week-long thinking, I think I know who are those guys that my tita mentioned. Haha. They're really my close friends (though I wasn't able to talk to Friend #1 since 1st year college, and I lost contact with Friend #2 again).

Hahaha, I also had this thought of listing down those topics that I want to talk with other people because I'm tired of being annoyed. Well, avoiding other people might be OA already but if that's what's best, then I'll do it. Maybe I just need more time to be with myself, and to understand things better. I can't imagine if I already have a boyfriend in times that I act like this. Haha, he would never understand my way of thinking.

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Thanks, no thanks

There are times that we refuse to accept the concern of other people. Not that we have a towering pride to accept it, but we feel like we don't need any of their concern, because yeah, we can get past to it.

I'm a the exact example of that kind of person in my second sentence. Sometimes, I'll just let those words of concern pass from my ear going out to my other ear and don't let any single word of that sentence I heard remain in my head.

I've been avoiding a certain person since last month. I unfollowed him/her in Facebook so that I won't see its updates in my news feed. I felt fine in the past weeks that I didn't had any words or photos of him/her in my news feed. Until tonight that I received a tweet asking me what happened with my eye. Upon reading that tweet, I didn't replied because I don't need to explain why my eye is a bit irritated. Another thing is, I'm avoiding him/her, so why ruin my own plan?

But then again, the story I've read (for the second time) this afternoon entered my mind. Friends would ask the other friend what he/she is feeling, because, he/she is his/her friend anyway. 

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*-----* means I don't know how to end this post.

What I don't understand about people

I've been itching for a long time already just  to post this one, yet I don't have the right words how to put it, even the title itself.

I'm an observant that won't even tell you straightly what I had seen with a certain person. It will take time for me to ponder about the "why's" of it. (Is "why's" grammatically correct?) There's a person online that I've known because of its "famous" connections. I didn't bothered to get close to her just to share with those "connections" but I follow her in some SNS just to get news about my crush through her updates. Moving on, I've read something that kinda tickled my inquisitive brain. "Why do you have to pose as a good person to some and a bad enemy to others if they won't agree with you?" Another thing is that she boasts about her connections and when other people asked about it and then she'll turn into an aggressive cat.

I know I sound like a kid asking about this, but can we just keep our cool? I understand that a lot of us have our own bad side, but can we not threaten them with our devilish side without knowing us. I think that why those people are being pre-judged because they pre-introduce themselves as a not-so good person when angered.

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