Tudum...

(As always, my titles aren't always related to the content.) Anyways, I'm so disappointed lately on how career is going. Basically, I'm not even progressing at all as a nurse who's been a Band 5 for 5 years now. I might've not mentioned it here but I failed 2 interviews for my ward last year, due to "someone more experienced than me" (but we are training that person instead to do her job to teach us instead), and "giving negative vibes" in my answer that didn't even dwell on the short staffing of the ward. To be honest, I totally don't know what's happening because this all seemed like a joke. We lost a couple of seniors in the ward, but barely replaced them. The one they promoted just got the permanent position (which is expected), and now they're opening a secondment for 6 months. LIKE, SIX MONTHS? That's pretty useless tbf. Me being a prideful human being, doesn't want to apply for it because it's just useless. And potentially not getting the job would just be rubbing more salt to the wound. I'm trying not to think about other stuff, but it seems like some people don't favour me at all. I love my job, and I'm just here to work and not be best friends with other people. But I think that people who are worthy for a certain position should be given a chance. Sadly, I already showed them that I could do the job. They're just way too blind to see or probably erased that memory in their heads. Work loyalty is BS. Everyone is literally telling that to me. Even though I like what I do, I just feel like floating in the band 5 position, hitting the roof with no chance to soar above that. Instead, I'm expected to act like a senior staff nurse, when I even ain't one. I had to do some responsibility of looking after new staff and teaching them, when there is an actual person paid to do it (the one they chose over me.) Just funny, isn't it? I want to leave my area tbh and do something different. And get paid better, with the hardwork I'm putting into. I want to be appreciated in my job, and get the proper pay for it. MAybe too much to ask for other people, but they won't know how I'm feeling. I shouldn't be ranting in my college blog tbh. But hey, this is my reality. I should write more about my experiences as the nurse that I am now.

Back here

I have a lot of self issues that I need to address, but since I got a new laptop now, I have a chance to air my thoughts in here much often.

Too much dating (though not often) is burdensome to me already, that I don't want to meet people solely to distract myself although I act all these interested about what they say. I kinda took a toll on myself as well since it kinda added few more people for me to sort out.

Going back to the Philippines really helped me. I was back to my comfort place (despite the very bad internet), and reminded me who I really am before I came here, and realized how I changed (in a good way).

So yeah, happy to be back!!! :)

Professional Tambay

So yeah, I'm unemployed for a year now and as much as I want to enjoy this chill life, I can't since I have loads of exams to review on. Haha. Well anyway, I didn't tambay-ed for the entire time since I worked on my IELTS and CBT exam last year. Now, I'm just waiting for my Decision Letter from NMC. 😭

Honestly, I feel like the time passed by really quickly. I feel like it was just yesterday when I'm complaining that I don't have a job, then finally working here in Palawan, resigned to review for IELTS, passed my CBT, and now waiting for my precious DL. I feel proud in my self actually that I made it. Hopefully I'll still be lucky for the years to come. Everything that I achieved right now is also a product of my hardwork too, so I wanna pat my back for that :)) I'm quite excited that I'm working on my future now. I hope that this is God's plan for me. 😉

Even though I cherish my free time a lot, I miss working in the hospital too, and also my peers. I'm happy that I was blessed with a supportive colleagues with me then. I may have encountered problems, but it was just minor setbacks in my employed life. I learned a lot from it.

Few months or weeks to go, I might be in a workplace already (I really hope and pray so!) and probably enjoying everything around me. But yeah, that's the start of my never ending OFW life, but I'll make sure that I'll make the most out of it.

Go Lhea!!!!

Gratefulness

Sometimes, if not most of the time, things that you aren’t expecting is definitely the best one.

Earlier, a woman came to ER to personally thank the nurses who took care of her kid. Her son came to ER with ongoing episode of seizure and has hydrocephalus. I cannot remember the feelings that I had during that time but I remember inserting him an IV with Mam Janett giving Diazepam. I was also the one who admitted him to the ward. Aside from having a patient like him with a special case, I just treated it like a usual night at work. But with that mother coming to us thanking personally, and telling how we made a good job taking care of him and even inserting an IV at one try (he didn’t had any reinsertions at the ward), that made me totally feel great and made me smile up to my ears.

 I wasn’t expecting anything but that gratefulness from her ignited me to work better. I was just doing my usual job, and for them, just my IV insertion to his kid is a big thing already since his IVs usually gets infiltrated or he easily gets hematoma after insertions. I just got lucky because his veins are good at that time.


The moment when the mother came in, our nurse supervisor (Mam Nic), my senior nurse (Mam Janett), and my co-nurses were all there and heard the good things that the mother said to me. I felt like I hit the jackpot even though I wasn’t promoted (if I got promoted, I will totally feel ambivalent. Seriously). Haha, good words are much better. Hihi

I guess, that was one of the beauty of working in a public hospital: having people with nothing appreciating every single deed you make. With this as a confirmation, I might be doing a good job and just continue what I’m doing. I hope this will always remind me to work well in the future.

Leggo Nurse Lei!!!!!

Rocks..

I went through a lot of work-related difficulties last week, that I had to unleash my frustrations at home, and that leaves me nowhere to go.

Honestly, after I learned that my contract has ended, I was so ecstatic to return to Manila to pursue my career there, but then, even though I already want to let go of my job (since heck yeah, my contract's done, so I'm gonna leave), the hospital doesn't seem to let me go. I was totally mind-blown of how my contract has ended, and I wanted to leave ASAP, and the hospital is trying so hard to let me stay as far as they can do. Ugh, and as much as I wanted to say that I'll be leaving, I can't find any reasons since it'll make me swallow everything I said during the interview. (Note to self: Don't you ever again impress other people so much during interviews, they'll expect so much and glue their eyes on you in everything that you do.) I went back to HR just to clarify things but it seemed that I was asking them to help me to remain in the hospital even if it totally wasn't my intention.

Moving on, I'm temporarily hired for a month and I'll still be in PACU. I dunno by next month if I'll still be a temporary worker or not (meaning: not an employee anymore). By now, I'm already thinking about my reason to finally resign by next month. The first one: my parents wanted me to take NCLEX exam, or maybe my dad wants me to process some papers for immigration. Hahaha, sorry, I'm just good in making white lies.

I know the consequences of my plans, and I have a lot of things to sacrifice. Going back to Manila means living a much simpler life that what I had then and what I had here. Then, I have to make a living for myself, since Papa will have a hard time again financially (he knows how I spend), and I already started working for myself, so I have to be responsible enough. Applying for work there will take a loooong time, and more frustrations. I've been to numerous exams and interviews, but it seemed that I didn't passed at all.

Honestly, the feelings I had before is coming back again. Remember how hard it was for me to leave Manila in less than 2 weeks to prepare? Gahd, it was hard for me mentally and emotionally, but I had to face it like a real adult since leaving will be a constant part of my life by the next few years. Now, it's a bit hard for me to leave since I got used to live with Lola again. Yeah, there were times that I get annoyed with her, and she gets annoyed with me, but in the end, we do still care for each other. We're both stubborn people who has a terrifying temper. Living alone again will be hard for me again.

I know that my problem is much simpler than what other people are experiencing. I guess I have to live my life one step at a time, but thinking in advance won't hurt, right? Failing to prepare is preparing to fail (?????). I asked God if this happening is a signal to me that I should do something with my life. I mean, even though I'm already working, I'm still backed by Lola (hey, how can you live by yourself with a low salary like mine??? #governmenthospitalproblems) in everything that I need. Well, there are some kids that still lives with their parents, and the house bills are still shouldered by their parents, and the kids just have to spend their salary to anything not related to montly bills (and, those kids probably save money, too). Btw, I need to test how far I can go by myself. If everything fails, my family will always be at my back. I know they want me to do well by myself, it's just that we are all not confident; me, not being confident that I can do it alone; and them, not being confident that i could live well by myself, including worrying about my safety.

Maybe I'll just wait for what will happen by next month...

Friendships at work: does that really work?

Hey! I recently transferred in PACU and honestly, I've been so stressed since then. I dunno really since I'd get to have patients off from OR, and I also help out in DR in terms of paper works. *Sigh* (Sorry, I couldn't really process my thoughts that's why I let out that sigh. I wanted to stick to my title but I can't since I have to make an introductory paragraph. Any, I'll just go straight to the point next time. No more format considerations.)

I recently realized that one of the reasons why I'm not enjoying my work so far is because of my lack of friends. Any, I can say that Mam Julie, Mam Faith and Mam Irene are the people I'm close with because they were my first workmates, and then Mam Reizel because were both talkative and loves girly stuff. But I think my relationship with them is more on the closeness in workplace level than the friendship that I'm thinking of. I guess, it's really that hard to find friends at work.

Honestly, since I came here I actually brought the attitude of a city girl (not generalizing) who's independent and doesn't mind to get to know people outside her circle (in short, not fond of introductions). Right now, I can make conversations with people since I've been assigned on Male Medical and OB Ward, and then transferring OR patients to Surgical Ward. But then, it's just general conversations and I have to consider the seniority of that person based on the position, age, and how long he/she is working there. Yeah, I do have a lot to mind whenever I talk to them. And then, I don't usually greet some of my co-workers whenever I meet them in the hallways. You may think that I'm the one to be blamed for not having friends, but hey, aside from the fact that I'm shy since I still feel like a newbie, but I don't really know them. I find it somewhat funny that the ER peeps in my new shift are friendly with me (Haha, I was friendly to the ER peeps in my past shift since one was a Cuyonon [we do endorsements in Cuyonon dialect, and the doctors go crazy with our out-of-this-word language], then I knew the other one during my interview). Earlier, one ER staff greeted me twice, calling me Lei/Lhea. (I dunno why people are calling me Lei. Haha, my Manila friends rarely call me in my real nickname. Fine, I should be thankful that even though I didn't tell them about the Lei thing, they still call me that.) Actually, he resembles a bit like my former classmate, Patrick, whenever he's wearing glasses. And I was surprised yesterday that Ana Marie's in Surgical Ward. Quite thankful that Mam Diana and I were not the only FEU kids anymore. FEU-IN represent!!! In the OR Team, my fellow nurses are Mam Che and Sir Cyrus. Sir Cyrus is like a big brother to me because he teaches me how to do charting when it comes to DR cases (sareeh, it's currently my weakness. I still have a lot to learn. I'm in a newbie slump), and checks on me whenever I find something difficult. While Mam Che, she looks quite serious (more like a serious kid since she's not that tall, and she looks young), but she gives me a lot of advices recently. I guess we'll grow closer soon when I get to familiarize myself with everything, well, more since I learned that she's also a book lover. Maybe I should try to buy the books she recommended me.

Moving on, why do you think I made this entry? By just reading what I typed above, I'm not totally friendless, it's just like I have friends in a work level, but not the kind of friendship that you know I'm looking for. If you're an Advo kid, you know you'd totally understand me. I guess I can't move on with the kind of friendship I had in college. The kind of friendship that goes beyond the organization. In Advo, we learned how to work professionally and be the best-est siblings/friends at the same time. I know real life is different, but what I had in Advo can even be possible? I hope so. There are times that I wasn't too enthusiastic in going to work, unlike going to school where I can meet my friends in the classroom and my orgmates afterwards. Having lack of friends here means lesser girl talk (girl talk, regardless who I'm talking with) to none. I mean, even if I share it to Lola, she will just hear me out, but she will not be able to empathize with me at all. Me and Ate Princess isn't at a level where we could talk hospital-related things because, again, she can't empathize with me. That's where a friend at work comes in, because you can empathize with each other.

Looking at my quest to friendship at work, I don't actually make it obvious since I'm being careful with the way I act. There's a lot of things inside the hospital that can't be spilled out, even to your own family. Being able to hear things from different people, you can get hate easily by doing no wrong, or having jealous fellows around. Actually, that's what I'm avoiding right now, especially that promotions is just around the corner and I don't even want to apply for Nurse 1 because of the hate I would get even if I pass or not. Like what I said in my previous post, I don't seem that I'm at par with Nurse 1 position, and I just want to be promoted since I want to get a raise in my salary. (I. NEED. MONEY) Any, even though I don't see myself as a Nurse 1 material, then I'll let the higher ups to decide it for me. Hahahaha. Mommy was telling me to go for it (when it comes to opportunities like this, Mommy rarely says no) even though I don't feel like it.

Going back to the topic, a fellow staff from OR pointed out that maybe the reason that I don't have bosom friends in the hospital is because of my lack of batchmates/age-mates (is it even correct?). I think she's right since I don't usually call someone by name (except Ana Leah [from Cuyo], and Ana Marie [fellow Tam and from a younger batch]), and everyone tends to be older than me, so yeah (the feeling sucks). I feel like we're so strict with the Mam/Sir thing actually. Whenever I think of my PGCPN training, we all call our co-trainees by its first name. Some of us might be older, but we treat and call ourselves equal. How I wish it's like that since having friendships is easier and much natural that way. Me and my co-trainees bond during our free time and in-between breaks, but here, naaah. I guess, I have to live the way they are since I'm already stuck here. I'm really dying to find a way out here, work in Manila, then live independently (minus the help of my own big 3: Papa, Lola, Mommy). I hope I can, since they won't let me live there anymore if I can't live on my own off my own salary. Phew. (I'll make another entry soon).

I guess I'm so preoccupied of finding friendships when I arrived here. I think it's now something to be forced, and it should come naturally. If I won't be able to find something like that, I should just flourish the kind of friendship I left in Manila; that I should keep working on it despite the distance and make them feel that I never really left.