Wanting and timing

Recently, there was a job posting for Practice Facilitator for our unit. Being the usual Lhea, I'm quite interested because I love a role that could help assist and supervise new nurses. Two of my colleagues encouraged me to do it, so I sent an email to our Lead Educator that I wanted to know more about the role.

Few days later, I met our LE and she told me about the job. But I guess I'm not yet ready for it. I know our previous PF and how often she worked on the ward, yet this one is more office-based for now. I don't think I'll thrive in an office set up, and an 8-6 job during weekdays. And if I truly wanted it, I could've said yes, but being the classic Lhea, I always wanted a way out. I told LE that I haven't had my competency book signed AT ALL (which is true btw). Another thing, I guess I don't want to have bigger responsibility yet, and I'm worried that I won't have extra money because I can't do night shifts for a while. Well, no one's pressuring me to get the job anyway, so I'll just do what I want.

 In the end, I didn't contact LE anymore and I forgot that the interview was yesterday. I heard that someone I knew got the post and was promoted to Band 6. Good for him!

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I guess I am this kind of person who believes in timing, whether it's rushed or a very long term one. I mean, I would've liked that 8-6 job but that would be nice if I have a family to look after. I don't want to keep on working weekends and night shifts if I got kids already. I want to enjoy my time with them, and probably go somewhere and enjoy the weather on a weekend. I dunno who I'll marry in the end, but whoever that may be, I want to be the kind of mum who spends quality time with her (future) family.

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Mommy actually advised me to be a nurse practitioner if I get older, and I guess it's a  good plan. I've been working as a cardiothoracic nurse now, and it's a very good sub-speciality. Well, I think I still need few more years of experience before I could study to be an ANP. Another thing, I need money to send myself to uni, so I might do that if I have a husband to feed me while studying. HAHAHAHA. Sounds like a good plan to me!

I know that I'm that kind of person who loves making super future plans. I get anxious if I don't look forward or plan on something ahead, because I feel like I'm not going anywhere. Looking back, I never imagined that I'll be in the UK in my mid 20s, but here I am when everybody thought I'd be in America.

Sometimes God does brings us to a place that he thinks is the best for us. I'm not complaining (well despite the low wage, but I can work on that tho) because I love my job. He gave me so many challenges and I'm happy that I rose above it.

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Walking around the village this evening, I kept on seeing these houses for sale along our street. There's this attached and kinda big semi-detached one. I can't help but imagine my future family home, and of course a house that I could buy while I'm still single. I've looked up all their prices previously, and it costs so much money. With my current salary, I wont be able to afford it at all. And then I remembered what Nanay used to tell me when I get amazed with the cars I used to see back in college. She told me "You can buy that kind of car if you study well." Now, I'm finished with school and now abroad, I could afford that IF I WORK EXTRA SHIFTS!

Not saying I'm in dire need of money, but I actually need money to pay my card, and afford that plane ticket to NY and probably fund my travel there. Plus if I actually want to make my house plans for Papa happen, I should start now.


ALRIGHT LHEA! WORK WORK WORK!!!!

Back here

I have a lot of self issues that I need to address, but since I got a new laptop now, I have a chance to air my thoughts in here much often.

Too much dating (though not often) is burdensome to me already, that I don't want to meet people solely to distract myself although I act all these interested about what they say. I kinda took a toll on myself as well since it kinda added few more people for me to sort out.

Going back to the Philippines really helped me. I was back to my comfort place (despite the very bad internet), and reminded me who I really am before I came here, and realized how I changed (in a good way).

So yeah, happy to be back!!! :)

Very wrong?

I guess I'm just using this blog to exhaust my frustrations, or just to hear myself from everything I'm overthinking these past few days.

Disclaimer: To my UK friends, I hope yall wont get shocked with my posts here. Just in case anyone on you happen to find this.

I'm quite confused with my feelings for this Brit guy I used to see. He was the one I mentioned in my last entry. After that July happening, he texted me around October up until December. We just annoyed each other and didn't come into terms about things. Being the stubborn person that I am, I just argued with everything he said. We did see each other again before New Year and talked about kinda serious things. He told me about this girl he likes, and I told him that I like someone else as well (which is true). I even said to him that we should stop everything in 2019, which he reluctantly agreed.

Idk if I'm being such a forgetful person, that I texted him after New Year and he reminded me to stick to my word. After that, I stopped messaging him.

But these past few weeks, I can't help but think about him. Weird, but I miss his annoying ass sometimes. This is where things get confusing, because I think I like him but I just deny it to myself. Or maybe I just miss his attention. I dont know anymore.

We did texted each other yesterday, and he seemed different: not as arguing as before. It's nice to be talking like normal people, but I'm not used to it. A part of me wants to annoy him, but I feel like I'm proving myself more that I'll be forever childish.

This shouldn't be a problem, but I just can't stop thinking about it. Ugh.

Comeback post

So yeah, I've been away from blogging here for quite long and I've been enjoying my life in London so far, especially that I now have friends who go out with me :)

Quick update!
I passed my OSCEs already, felt new and learning things (still!) all over again, and inproving my skills day by day. I got stressed as well due to my packed schedule and dreaded for a break since February but I can't. I had breakouts on my forehead and that added to my work stress as well. I went through rough mood swings for 2 weeks, and was so emotional during that. But yeah, I survived!!

The real deal
So here ya go. I have a crush on someone since February and we just met 2 weeks ago. He had no clue who I was but he accepted my IG following then, but had to unfollow him and then added him up again. Lol.

We met again this weekend, had few drinks with friend, and went out with them the next day. To cut things short, I like the guy's personality. While on my part, I feel like I did a lot of dumb things, but honestly, it was just me. Wafakels if he got turned off (I'm used to that, you know!) from my madaldal self (esp when I was drunk) or how annoying I am at times (hahaha, reminds me of how I used to ask A if he finds me annoying).

My friends are doing a lot of work for me and I'm so grateful for that, but they can only do so much. At the end of the day, it's still me who has to do the entire chunk of stuff. I feel like I was rushing myself to be liked by him as I am doing this entry, maybe because I am afraid of being delegated to the pits of friendzone again. Lol. But yeah, I should've just laid the friendship foundation first, rather than jump to those subtle banats and open arms. Hahaha. I dunno. I'm just worried since I won't get to see him in 2 weeks (or prolly longer than that, or not at all because of my dumb self).

As much as I want to maintain our communications, I feel like it'll be hard to do. I mean, I have my pride and he prolly knows that I like him a lot, so I want to regain my pride and refrain from talking to him. Sorry, this is just me.

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There ya go, I just want to express myself here again. I'm being weird again. K.

Professional Tambay

So yeah, I'm unemployed for a year now and as much as I want to enjoy this chill life, I can't since I have loads of exams to review on. Haha. Well anyway, I didn't tambay-ed for the entire time since I worked on my IELTS and CBT exam last year. Now, I'm just waiting for my Decision Letter from NMC. 😭

Honestly, I feel like the time passed by really quickly. I feel like it was just yesterday when I'm complaining that I don't have a job, then finally working here in Palawan, resigned to review for IELTS, passed my CBT, and now waiting for my precious DL. I feel proud in my self actually that I made it. Hopefully I'll still be lucky for the years to come. Everything that I achieved right now is also a product of my hardwork too, so I wanna pat my back for that :)) I'm quite excited that I'm working on my future now. I hope that this is God's plan for me. 😉

Even though I cherish my free time a lot, I miss working in the hospital too, and also my peers. I'm happy that I was blessed with a supportive colleagues with me then. I may have encountered problems, but it was just minor setbacks in my employed life. I learned a lot from it.

Few months or weeks to go, I might be in a workplace already (I really hope and pray so!) and probably enjoying everything around me. But yeah, that's the start of my never ending OFW life, but I'll make sure that I'll make the most out of it.

Go Lhea!!!!

Worrying

 Honestly, I've always been so conflicted in my life that I can't even get used to it.

I want to work for the mean time so that I wont depend too much on papa, but I feel like I should just focus on my review since it was the reason why I left my work.

I want to stay here in my current dorm, but my contract will end this July. I'm planning to move with my former workmates but I think I will annoy them or I will be annoyed when I won't get to have my me time and choose to stay in my bed and sleep. 

1 month to go before my 4th and hopefully the super last IELTS exam. So help me God! I'm actually dying of worrying about my other exams like CBT and OSCE. Huhu

That's all. Kbye

Yeah, I finally knew

I think we all have our own struggles that we keep from other people. Not that we keep it as a form of a secret, but for the other person or people to be free from worrying about it. Just like our parents, sometimes we see them as normal individuals who work, cater our needs at home, and deal with the family problems and monthly bills. But what we don’t see is that they have their own struggles apart from the family’s. While we’re busy dealing with our own problems, they are also busy with theirs. And while we whine at them for not understanding us, we are actually the ones who don’t take time to understand them.

The reason why I made this entry is that I feel like a misunderstanding daughter all these time. All along, I thought I was great and I deal with things coolly, but it wasn’t really like that. I thought I understood my father, but I was wrong. With what I mentioned on the first paragraph, majority of it applies to me and my father. Yes, I had tons of worries and struggles and I tried to keep it away from him because I don’t want to be a burden and I’m quite shy to ask things from him. There are also times that I wanted to whine about how little my allowance was, and that he’s trying to starve me during my unemployment days. Well, I admit that I was totally wrong and good thing that my struggles while working in the province made me realize a lot of things that contributed to my so-called maturity.

I talked to my dad about me worrying about him and I asked him to share his worries to me since her daughter is all grown-up. I told him that he could count on me now and I’m willing to help him whatever I can. While things were getting serious, I started sharing my own worries when I was a kid that I haven’t said to him even before. Then, I offered some advices to him on his own problems and promised to help him more once my overseas employment (that I’m working on right now, and wishing that it’ll work out) pushes through. Then, I teared up when he mentioned something about Mama whom he was really in sync with, but left him just after four years of marriage. (Well, I value any words I could hear especially when it’s all about Mama. It feels good to get to know bits about my mom that I didn’t get to know personally.)

Honestly, I grew up viewing Papa as a weak person, well maybe because of his attitude and that I was not able to know him better as an individual. I was a bit rebellious in high school because I hated how dumb he is in his decisions before, and as the “intelligent” kid that I “was,” I tried to teach him a lesson so that he’ll learn from  it. Well, kinda regretted how disrespectful I was (good thing that was just a phase) and how I hurt his feeling, to think that he didn’t even got mad at me in return. He swallowed every words that I said and kept his own sadness. Thinking about it now pains me a lot too. I promised him that I would be a reliable daughter who will hug him whenever he feels sad, and will offer good advices too. My dad needs me more than he needs me so I have to strive hard at work.

This entry is quite disorganized, right? As usual J As much as possible, I want to post some of my life realizations and hospital adventures here but I’m quite lazy to post it here. I hope if any youngsters would read this, I hope they’ll get a lesson from it even though this post is so bitin. Haha. Anyeong!

Rocks..

I went through a lot of work-related difficulties last week, that I had to unleash my frustrations at home, and that leaves me nowhere to go.

Honestly, after I learned that my contract has ended, I was so ecstatic to return to Manila to pursue my career there, but then, even though I already want to let go of my job (since heck yeah, my contract's done, so I'm gonna leave), the hospital doesn't seem to let me go. I was totally mind-blown of how my contract has ended, and I wanted to leave ASAP, and the hospital is trying so hard to let me stay as far as they can do. Ugh, and as much as I wanted to say that I'll be leaving, I can't find any reasons since it'll make me swallow everything I said during the interview. (Note to self: Don't you ever again impress other people so much during interviews, they'll expect so much and glue their eyes on you in everything that you do.) I went back to HR just to clarify things but it seemed that I was asking them to help me to remain in the hospital even if it totally wasn't my intention.

Moving on, I'm temporarily hired for a month and I'll still be in PACU. I dunno by next month if I'll still be a temporary worker or not (meaning: not an employee anymore). By now, I'm already thinking about my reason to finally resign by next month. The first one: my parents wanted me to take NCLEX exam, or maybe my dad wants me to process some papers for immigration. Hahaha, sorry, I'm just good in making white lies.

I know the consequences of my plans, and I have a lot of things to sacrifice. Going back to Manila means living a much simpler life that what I had then and what I had here. Then, I have to make a living for myself, since Papa will have a hard time again financially (he knows how I spend), and I already started working for myself, so I have to be responsible enough. Applying for work there will take a loooong time, and more frustrations. I've been to numerous exams and interviews, but it seemed that I didn't passed at all.

Honestly, the feelings I had before is coming back again. Remember how hard it was for me to leave Manila in less than 2 weeks to prepare? Gahd, it was hard for me mentally and emotionally, but I had to face it like a real adult since leaving will be a constant part of my life by the next few years. Now, it's a bit hard for me to leave since I got used to live with Lola again. Yeah, there were times that I get annoyed with her, and she gets annoyed with me, but in the end, we do still care for each other. We're both stubborn people who has a terrifying temper. Living alone again will be hard for me again.

I know that my problem is much simpler than what other people are experiencing. I guess I have to live my life one step at a time, but thinking in advance won't hurt, right? Failing to prepare is preparing to fail (?????). I asked God if this happening is a signal to me that I should do something with my life. I mean, even though I'm already working, I'm still backed by Lola (hey, how can you live by yourself with a low salary like mine??? #governmenthospitalproblems) in everything that I need. Well, there are some kids that still lives with their parents, and the house bills are still shouldered by their parents, and the kids just have to spend their salary to anything not related to montly bills (and, those kids probably save money, too). Btw, I need to test how far I can go by myself. If everything fails, my family will always be at my back. I know they want me to do well by myself, it's just that we are all not confident; me, not being confident that I can do it alone; and them, not being confident that i could live well by myself, including worrying about my safety.

Maybe I'll just wait for what will happen by next month...

Friendships at work: does that really work?

Hey! I recently transferred in PACU and honestly, I've been so stressed since then. I dunno really since I'd get to have patients off from OR, and I also help out in DR in terms of paper works. *Sigh* (Sorry, I couldn't really process my thoughts that's why I let out that sigh. I wanted to stick to my title but I can't since I have to make an introductory paragraph. Any, I'll just go straight to the point next time. No more format considerations.)

I recently realized that one of the reasons why I'm not enjoying my work so far is because of my lack of friends. Any, I can say that Mam Julie, Mam Faith and Mam Irene are the people I'm close with because they were my first workmates, and then Mam Reizel because were both talkative and loves girly stuff. But I think my relationship with them is more on the closeness in workplace level than the friendship that I'm thinking of. I guess, it's really that hard to find friends at work.

Honestly, since I came here I actually brought the attitude of a city girl (not generalizing) who's independent and doesn't mind to get to know people outside her circle (in short, not fond of introductions). Right now, I can make conversations with people since I've been assigned on Male Medical and OB Ward, and then transferring OR patients to Surgical Ward. But then, it's just general conversations and I have to consider the seniority of that person based on the position, age, and how long he/she is working there. Yeah, I do have a lot to mind whenever I talk to them. And then, I don't usually greet some of my co-workers whenever I meet them in the hallways. You may think that I'm the one to be blamed for not having friends, but hey, aside from the fact that I'm shy since I still feel like a newbie, but I don't really know them. I find it somewhat funny that the ER peeps in my new shift are friendly with me (Haha, I was friendly to the ER peeps in my past shift since one was a Cuyonon [we do endorsements in Cuyonon dialect, and the doctors go crazy with our out-of-this-word language], then I knew the other one during my interview). Earlier, one ER staff greeted me twice, calling me Lei/Lhea. (I dunno why people are calling me Lei. Haha, my Manila friends rarely call me in my real nickname. Fine, I should be thankful that even though I didn't tell them about the Lei thing, they still call me that.) Actually, he resembles a bit like my former classmate, Patrick, whenever he's wearing glasses. And I was surprised yesterday that Ana Marie's in Surgical Ward. Quite thankful that Mam Diana and I were not the only FEU kids anymore. FEU-IN represent!!! In the OR Team, my fellow nurses are Mam Che and Sir Cyrus. Sir Cyrus is like a big brother to me because he teaches me how to do charting when it comes to DR cases (sareeh, it's currently my weakness. I still have a lot to learn. I'm in a newbie slump), and checks on me whenever I find something difficult. While Mam Che, she looks quite serious (more like a serious kid since she's not that tall, and she looks young), but she gives me a lot of advices recently. I guess we'll grow closer soon when I get to familiarize myself with everything, well, more since I learned that she's also a book lover. Maybe I should try to buy the books she recommended me.

Moving on, why do you think I made this entry? By just reading what I typed above, I'm not totally friendless, it's just like I have friends in a work level, but not the kind of friendship that you know I'm looking for. If you're an Advo kid, you know you'd totally understand me. I guess I can't move on with the kind of friendship I had in college. The kind of friendship that goes beyond the organization. In Advo, we learned how to work professionally and be the best-est siblings/friends at the same time. I know real life is different, but what I had in Advo can even be possible? I hope so. There are times that I wasn't too enthusiastic in going to work, unlike going to school where I can meet my friends in the classroom and my orgmates afterwards. Having lack of friends here means lesser girl talk (girl talk, regardless who I'm talking with) to none. I mean, even if I share it to Lola, she will just hear me out, but she will not be able to empathize with me at all. Me and Ate Princess isn't at a level where we could talk hospital-related things because, again, she can't empathize with me. That's where a friend at work comes in, because you can empathize with each other.

Looking at my quest to friendship at work, I don't actually make it obvious since I'm being careful with the way I act. There's a lot of things inside the hospital that can't be spilled out, even to your own family. Being able to hear things from different people, you can get hate easily by doing no wrong, or having jealous fellows around. Actually, that's what I'm avoiding right now, especially that promotions is just around the corner and I don't even want to apply for Nurse 1 because of the hate I would get even if I pass or not. Like what I said in my previous post, I don't seem that I'm at par with Nurse 1 position, and I just want to be promoted since I want to get a raise in my salary. (I. NEED. MONEY) Any, even though I don't see myself as a Nurse 1 material, then I'll let the higher ups to decide it for me. Hahahaha. Mommy was telling me to go for it (when it comes to opportunities like this, Mommy rarely says no) even though I don't feel like it.

Going back to the topic, a fellow staff from OR pointed out that maybe the reason that I don't have bosom friends in the hospital is because of my lack of batchmates/age-mates (is it even correct?). I think she's right since I don't usually call someone by name (except Ana Leah [from Cuyo], and Ana Marie [fellow Tam and from a younger batch]), and everyone tends to be older than me, so yeah (the feeling sucks). I feel like we're so strict with the Mam/Sir thing actually. Whenever I think of my PGCPN training, we all call our co-trainees by its first name. Some of us might be older, but we treat and call ourselves equal. How I wish it's like that since having friendships is easier and much natural that way. Me and my co-trainees bond during our free time and in-between breaks, but here, naaah. I guess, I have to live the way they are since I'm already stuck here. I'm really dying to find a way out here, work in Manila, then live independently (minus the help of my own big 3: Papa, Lola, Mommy). I hope I can, since they won't let me live there anymore if I can't live on my own off my own salary. Phew. (I'll make another entry soon).

I guess I'm so preoccupied of finding friendships when I arrived here. I think it's now something to be forced, and it should come naturally. If I won't be able to find something like that, I should just flourish the kind of friendship I left in Manila; that I should keep working on it despite the distance and make them feel that I never really left.

Blurred future

I've been in a deep dilemma in regards to work and future after I arrived here in Puerto. You know me, dilemmas love to stick with me.

Dilemma #1: Well, a friend of mine opened again the idea of me applying for a hospital in Manila again (and thinking about it again made me remember my countless "pending" applications in some hospitals there). I tried to be cool about it since I won't have anything to lose if I won't get accepted in that hospital for the 2nd time (my first application there is still PENDING) since I still have my work here in the province (but honestly, I really want to work there). 

Dilemma #2: Then, when my IELTS exam results were released last night and I tried to assess my scores and qualifications online, it didn't met with the criteria of CIC, which made me me a bit disappointed.

Dilemma #3: To make up for the disappointment, I looked up for some instructions on how to apply for New York's State Board. Gahd, the entire processing will cost me an entire fortune. My savings can only equate for a hundred bucks, and that's isn't enough to pay for all the processing fees. Who would've thought that instead for looking for a job, you'll end up spending all your money, and that is just for the verification and authentication of your acad papers. Ughh.

Honestly, I kinda feel that I'm such in a hurry to move out of the country. I have my reasons why I wanted to leave, but I think it would take years for me to do so.

Now, my contractual work in the hospital seems to come to an end. I dunno, but it seems like that (even though I would be transferred to OR/PACU by next month). By June, it's a whole new battle for promotions and I really really dunno if I should apply for Nurse 1 or not. Being a Nurse 1 has a lot of pros, including a raise in my salary, but I don't feel like I'm at par for a Nurse 1 position. I'm still on my 4th month yet I'm vying for a higher position already. I don't seem fine about it. All I'm thinking was the raise in salary, but my qualifications? Na-ah. I don't think so.In addition, regular employees can't easily file their leave! HAHAHA. I'm planning to return to Manila by November!!! XD

Any, I was thinking of a back-up plan in case that my contract would end during the promotions period (or if I won't apply for a regular position aka Nurse 1). And the only thing that's on my mind is applying again in Manila. Ugh, Sorry, I have a lot in my mind and I can't sort it out that well.

I dunno if you, dear reader, would understand everything that I wrote. But lemme tell you, these kind of dilemmas are prevalent among nurses. Ugh, I think I would sort these things out when I get to know about our meeting's agenda (they would surely touch the topic about

 us contractual nurses), and when Mommy arrives from US. Any, I would still send my papers to my friend, whatever happens. And, maybe I should sleep all these disappointments firsts. Honestly, I want to process my papers already but I happened to be here in the province, and that I could only do as much, Ughhhhh!

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Thanks Spotify for accompanying me. Haha