Pride yer pride chicken

 Me being Lhea is either ma-pride or walang pride at all. 

The tea here is, I haven't talked to a bestie for a couple of months now. Basically, it's him who's never saying a word to me, and I'm just here waiting for a move because I know what he's actually up to. Funny enough, his tactics is very much familiar: not messaging, but watching my IG stories; AKA orbiting. TBF, I don't do that kind of stuff. 😅 I've avoided looking at his IG stories or dropping any message at all. Christmas and New Year has passed and I've never heard anything from this person. Oh well, maybe I won't hear anything as well til my birthday since he probably won't remember it at all.

Quick throwback to where it all started, it was when I didn't attend his birthday. I got all the reasons not to be there, and I'm glad I didn't. I want to list all reasons here, but I just don't wanna be the odd one in the sea of his partner's friends. (and knowing that I won't be a welcome guest there). I had a rough day and generally bad week then. I failed my exam, my interview for promotion, and I wasn't in a celebratory mood. I was in London to attend his birthday, but I don't wanna be in an area where a person who literally finished his isolation is already out and partying. Na-ah. Another thing is, the celebration was just a mess, no final plans til just 2 hours before. I'd rather be at home sipping tea.

So yeah, it was just simple. And boy, that probably made him sulky and gave me cold shoulders. Oh well, such a shame that in the past three years, I was there doing all the plans, and now it seems that my absence suddenly made me a bad friend. I feel like sometimes I should stop looking after people, because that don't give back anything essential to me. It's easier to just worry about your own and give some space for yourself away from others.

I feel like I'm airing dirty laundry here, and the last time I did it, I was in deep shit. Oh well, who reads this anyways?

Back here

I have a lot of self issues that I need to address, but since I got a new laptop now, I have a chance to air my thoughts in here much often.

Too much dating (though not often) is burdensome to me already, that I don't want to meet people solely to distract myself although I act all these interested about what they say. I kinda took a toll on myself as well since it kinda added few more people for me to sort out.

Going back to the Philippines really helped me. I was back to my comfort place (despite the very bad internet), and reminded me who I really am before I came here, and realized how I changed (in a good way).

So yeah, happy to be back!!! :)

Very wrong?

I guess I'm just using this blog to exhaust my frustrations, or just to hear myself from everything I'm overthinking these past few days.

Disclaimer: To my UK friends, I hope yall wont get shocked with my posts here. Just in case anyone on you happen to find this.

I'm quite confused with my feelings for this Brit guy I used to see. He was the one I mentioned in my last entry. After that July happening, he texted me around October up until December. We just annoyed each other and didn't come into terms about things. Being the stubborn person that I am, I just argued with everything he said. We did see each other again before New Year and talked about kinda serious things. He told me about this girl he likes, and I told him that I like someone else as well (which is true). I even said to him that we should stop everything in 2019, which he reluctantly agreed.

Idk if I'm being such a forgetful person, that I texted him after New Year and he reminded me to stick to my word. After that, I stopped messaging him.

But these past few weeks, I can't help but think about him. Weird, but I miss his annoying ass sometimes. This is where things get confusing, because I think I like him but I just deny it to myself. Or maybe I just miss his attention. I dont know anymore.

We did texted each other yesterday, and he seemed different: not as arguing as before. It's nice to be talking like normal people, but I'm not used to it. A part of me wants to annoy him, but I feel like I'm proving myself more that I'll be forever childish.

This shouldn't be a problem, but I just can't stop thinking about it. Ugh.

Comeback comeback comeback

I decided to go back to blogging and journaling after I realized that I'm not updated with myself these past few months. I feel like I'm spending a lot of time in my room doing nothing and never achieve anything. Since it's summer, I decided to make a travel blog entries on my Wordpress account. Wish me luck!!

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Quick update!
After that friendzoning, to cut the story short, nothing changed! I mean, I expected that we'd naturally drift apart but we didn't. Instead, we grew closer and became a lot more comfortable. We still go out together but we're not even dating. Hahaha. He can date whoever he wants, and I can too.

Sooo, here's the juicy part. I decided not to spill about this guy, but anyway my friends knew about him already. He's British, and just a little less a year older than me. He looks like a fine English gentleman, but with a naughty and cheeky side.  Lol. I mean, I like Nikko so much but it seems like me and *this* guy are each other's back up. Honestly, I don't even like him but he likes me! 🤣

Moving on, he kept on inviting me to go on dates but I kept on ditching him for Nikko. I'm quite surprised that he was never mad about how I ditched him last time. But yeah, the heart wants what it wants!! I know Nikko is such an impossible case for me, but let me be happy, universe. I'll take care of my feelings, and I'll try my best to be his friend.

Comeback post

So yeah, I've been away from blogging here for quite long and I've been enjoying my life in London so far, especially that I now have friends who go out with me :)

Quick update!
I passed my OSCEs already, felt new and learning things (still!) all over again, and inproving my skills day by day. I got stressed as well due to my packed schedule and dreaded for a break since February but I can't. I had breakouts on my forehead and that added to my work stress as well. I went through rough mood swings for 2 weeks, and was so emotional during that. But yeah, I survived!!

The real deal
So here ya go. I have a crush on someone since February and we just met 2 weeks ago. He had no clue who I was but he accepted my IG following then, but had to unfollow him and then added him up again. Lol.

We met again this weekend, had few drinks with friend, and went out with them the next day. To cut things short, I like the guy's personality. While on my part, I feel like I did a lot of dumb things, but honestly, it was just me. Wafakels if he got turned off (I'm used to that, you know!) from my madaldal self (esp when I was drunk) or how annoying I am at times (hahaha, reminds me of how I used to ask A if he finds me annoying).

My friends are doing a lot of work for me and I'm so grateful for that, but they can only do so much. At the end of the day, it's still me who has to do the entire chunk of stuff. I feel like I was rushing myself to be liked by him as I am doing this entry, maybe because I am afraid of being delegated to the pits of friendzone again. Lol. But yeah, I should've just laid the friendship foundation first, rather than jump to those subtle banats and open arms. Hahaha. I dunno. I'm just worried since I won't get to see him in 2 weeks (or prolly longer than that, or not at all because of my dumb self).

As much as I want to maintain our communications, I feel like it'll be hard to do. I mean, I have my pride and he prolly knows that I like him a lot, so I want to regain my pride and refrain from talking to him. Sorry, this is just me.

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There ya go, I just want to express myself here again. I'm being weird again. K.

To my BRAVE self

http://www.candymag.com/all-access/here-s-to-all-the-girls-who-had-the-courage-to-say-how-they-really-feel-a201-20170220

This article brought me back to that day that I confessed to my guy friend. It wasn't "love" that I confessed but rather my "liking" for him and for being true to myself. Bruh, it wasn't easy. My confession took a lot of time of thinking when to confess, how, where, and if he already knows that I like him or not. It wasn't peer pressure, but letting off some emotional pressure on myself before I embark to a journey towards my dream. I humbly received the rejection and I'm happy that I got my message clear accross.

Looking back, I did regretted a bit and thought of what ifs. But now, I dont regret my choice and the confession I made is considered as my personal badge for being BRAVE. Even if I confessed or not, we will surely grow apart due to time and space (location?) but the friendship and the times spent with each other will always be a valuable part of our lives.

I'm happy that I made a bold move at a young age but mature enough to let that season pass me by. A month to go and it's already been four years since I've done it. Ah, the good times, I guess :)

Rocks..

I went through a lot of work-related difficulties last week, that I had to unleash my frustrations at home, and that leaves me nowhere to go.

Honestly, after I learned that my contract has ended, I was so ecstatic to return to Manila to pursue my career there, but then, even though I already want to let go of my job (since heck yeah, my contract's done, so I'm gonna leave), the hospital doesn't seem to let me go. I was totally mind-blown of how my contract has ended, and I wanted to leave ASAP, and the hospital is trying so hard to let me stay as far as they can do. Ugh, and as much as I wanted to say that I'll be leaving, I can't find any reasons since it'll make me swallow everything I said during the interview. (Note to self: Don't you ever again impress other people so much during interviews, they'll expect so much and glue their eyes on you in everything that you do.) I went back to HR just to clarify things but it seemed that I was asking them to help me to remain in the hospital even if it totally wasn't my intention.

Moving on, I'm temporarily hired for a month and I'll still be in PACU. I dunno by next month if I'll still be a temporary worker or not (meaning: not an employee anymore). By now, I'm already thinking about my reason to finally resign by next month. The first one: my parents wanted me to take NCLEX exam, or maybe my dad wants me to process some papers for immigration. Hahaha, sorry, I'm just good in making white lies.

I know the consequences of my plans, and I have a lot of things to sacrifice. Going back to Manila means living a much simpler life that what I had then and what I had here. Then, I have to make a living for myself, since Papa will have a hard time again financially (he knows how I spend), and I already started working for myself, so I have to be responsible enough. Applying for work there will take a loooong time, and more frustrations. I've been to numerous exams and interviews, but it seemed that I didn't passed at all.

Honestly, the feelings I had before is coming back again. Remember how hard it was for me to leave Manila in less than 2 weeks to prepare? Gahd, it was hard for me mentally and emotionally, but I had to face it like a real adult since leaving will be a constant part of my life by the next few years. Now, it's a bit hard for me to leave since I got used to live with Lola again. Yeah, there were times that I get annoyed with her, and she gets annoyed with me, but in the end, we do still care for each other. We're both stubborn people who has a terrifying temper. Living alone again will be hard for me again.

I know that my problem is much simpler than what other people are experiencing. I guess I have to live my life one step at a time, but thinking in advance won't hurt, right? Failing to prepare is preparing to fail (?????). I asked God if this happening is a signal to me that I should do something with my life. I mean, even though I'm already working, I'm still backed by Lola (hey, how can you live by yourself with a low salary like mine??? #governmenthospitalproblems) in everything that I need. Well, there are some kids that still lives with their parents, and the house bills are still shouldered by their parents, and the kids just have to spend their salary to anything not related to montly bills (and, those kids probably save money, too). Btw, I need to test how far I can go by myself. If everything fails, my family will always be at my back. I know they want me to do well by myself, it's just that we are all not confident; me, not being confident that I can do it alone; and them, not being confident that i could live well by myself, including worrying about my safety.

Maybe I'll just wait for what will happen by next month...

Hey you!

Hello my dearest blog, sorry for not updating you always since my life was really bland these past few months and I felt like a decaying matter inside my apartmenr. Although I have a lot of things to share, please give me some space to share my feelings.
If you happen to read my past entries, it's been a long time since I had friendship-related hanash, so please bear with me since I really have to let it out even though I might regret it soon.
~Hello my dear friend, it wasn't that long ago when I officially reconnected (??) my ties with you. And before our recent meeting, we also bonded with our other friends somewhere. It seems to me that things are quite okay for me now, and that I won't have to deal with awkwardness anymore. But recently, my actions in our recent meeting made quite a misunderstanding for the people around us. I was really passive that night, not in my usual happy self, and avoided a lot of people. I may have avoided other people but not you since we also happened to talk before I went out to have my "me-time." To tell you honestly, I don't want my "me-time" to be a big thing. I don't want to explain anymore why I wanted to read my book more than going out and spend socializing with the kids. What I've done may be deemed as rude if I was with a parent that time, but I think I've never done wrong by just lying on the couch and read the entire night. Okay, I wrote and explained too long about my me-time, and I know you wouldn't even care. Well, boys are boys. Moving on, the next thing that happened was the one that made me feel like a beaten warrior. (And yuck, it's kinda exaggerated tho.) You were there when everything was happening. Yes, as my usual self, I laughed it off, but deep inside, I wasn't really happy. At some point, I asked myself if it was a big mistake that I was too honest with my feelings then, or if I was too carefree to just let people make me look like a fool in front of you. (I'm not mad with those people , but with what they did.) Despite of every word that were bombed to me, you're more of an invisible person more than a spectator. And then friendship comes in. After all the teasing (some are friendly, mild, vut there are also extreme and offending ones), you never attempted to utter a single word, not even trying to stop those things, or defending me. Honestly, that really hurted me. All these time, I took it alone, but when you're there listening, I felt more alone and helpless. And then I asked myself, "Are you a real friend?" I never had any memories of you trying to defend me. I never asked you to do it, but I hope it crossed your mind that I also needed help. I may seem strong, but it doesn't mean I'm strong all the time. There was a part of me saying that you just kept your mouth shut because you don't want to be dragged to my place. But I hope you were sensitive  enough that time. I'm writing this rant entry not as a person who liked you before, but as a troubled friend who sometimes need a person to stand up for her. There were a lot of girls who were in a situation like me, and you even know them. I hope that if ever it happens to someone you know, be that person who will defend them and make them feel that what they used to "feel" isn't a bad thing, or something to be mocked, or making fun of. I doubt if this thing will ever cross your mind, and knowing the male species, this will never ever cross your mind. Even though I wanted you to read this, but it's too late already. Since I'll be moving to another place, it will might take us years before we meet again. I hope you had erased the past image of myself as a giddy college girl who secretly liked you (yeah, it was really embarassing typing it here). I hope that when we meet again, you'll play things cooly (like I pretended I'm doing), than being what you just did all these time.
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If you're an avid reader (oh yes avid reader-slash-advo blogger), you'll definitely know who I'm talking about, and how weird and disorganized (in terms of thought) my entries are.
I'll post some good news soon. Kbye.

Annyeong!

('Cause I can't think of a decent title.)

I'm a bit surprised that there are some people who are still visiting my blog. Sorry guys if I'm not posting any "juicy" entries here since my life has been bland these days. Well, my life has been very bland since I graduated, and blame it to my unemployment. -______-

I've been very busy these past few weeks as my cousin's alalay. I've been accompanying him to his interviews, and then after he was hired, I still served as his alalay from getting his NBI clearance to completing some of his requirements for his job. He was lucky enough to be hired after a week of his interview. *cries*

Well, I'm "quite" happy that he's here since I'm not a waetoriya (loner) anymore but I feel like I'm not comfortable sharing an apartment with someone after a long time. Another thing is, since we're blood type O, we're both messy and there are times that I feel like it's suffocating already. Hahahaha. Kuya and I gets along well but I scratch my head very hard whenever he asks me about some directions here in Manila. For 2 weeks already, we've toured Metro Manila but he can't even remember those places we went. Worse, I already taught him how to commute from this place to our apartment but can't remember a single thing. Gahd, it was a hard task to make him remember those places I pointed him. -_________- Haha, my girl cousin was way better than him in terms of commuting or going to places she's unfamiliar with, alone. (I think this became a rant entry already. HAHAHA) Another thing that pisses me aside from his sense of direction was his sense of closeness. (Lemme explain. Example: "Uy Lhea, anlapit lang pala ng Eastwood dito." And I was like "WTH with malapit??") Well, I know he's not that familiar with some places here in Manila but whenever I accompany him, he doesn't make the effort to know the places we're going to, the jeeps we've been riding, or the area we dropped off. There was also a time when I already got off the jeep and then he's still there sitting, not noticing that I already went off the jeepney. That was a facepalm moment. -_______- I hope he'll improve his sense of direction, commuting skills and manners when he starts his training this Monday. Well atleast I could work on my applications already :)

Last Monday, I already got my certificates at Lung Center of the Philippines and I was ranked 19 in our batch. Originally, I've been eyeing the top 10, but since I had 6 absences and had a not-so good impression with the Division Chief (which later on changed when she observed that I'm an enthusiastic kid, and that single absence in our seminar[which caused a big ruckus in our batch] doesn't define me as a nurse trainee and as a person. Well, her blood pressure went up because of me when I asked her why she only pointed us when there were other kids that was absent since the start of our seminars, and worse, faked that they attended the seminar! [Haha, I know I have a point, so why not defend it?]), I expected that I will be on the average pack. It kinda surprised me that the staff nurses and the head nurses gave me good grades during our exposures in the  wards. Ugh, I only spent my summer in the hospital (training) and at home (sleeping). I could'nt imagine how boring it is just to go home and sleep then wake up just to attend your duty. Well, that's a nurse life. #dealwithit.

Moving on, after 3 months of delay (we've finished our manuscript last May and was checked by the panelists for more than a month [longer than the period I stayed in Palawan]), our thesis was already printed and bookbind. Well, before those printing and bookbinding happened, I've met with Cyruz at Infinitea to compile our thesis, then found out that the bibliography was missing. Well, after what happened in our early thesis days, I had this phobia whenever I do "palpak" things around him. I feel like he would scold me like a dad anytime. Well, I'm scared of how his voice would go down. Good thing I  found in in my mail. After we got our certificates, he already began laughing and I was relieved that he would never be pissed again. Hahaha. Actually I'm scared of him more than my dad. gahd, I'm scared on someone who's 6 months younger than me. Err #medyonakakahiya.

These days, I'm LSS with Super Junior's Mamacita. Hahaha, I know you'd hate me if I'll write things about them in detail here. I became a fan of SuJu because of Heechul since there were vids on Youtube where FT Island's Lee Hong Ki talked about him and I watched some of his vids as a SuJu member then later on went hooked with his drama, Flower Grandpa Investigative Team. After that, I became interested with their group and watched their variety shows. I'm familiar with their song, Sorry Sorry, since I heard them in college and there were a lot of people dancing it before. Haha, I was also able to danced a bit of it for our health teaching program. Then, Heechul became my bias (favorite), then later I had an eye on Siwon (I don't usually like looking on someone's abs, but his were reaaaally distraaaaactiiiiing!), Leeteuk (we had the same personlity, well uh, leeteuk+heechul), and Sungmin (he's sooooo cute whenever he's doing some aegyo, which also reminds me of FT's Minhwan). Everyone in the group has good singing voices but I'd say that Kyuhyun, Ryeowook, and Yesung has the best voices. I'd add Sungmin also since he's a musical actor (obviously he could sing), and Heechul (whose voice will bring you back to 80's or 90's. His voice fits well in love songs and ballads). :)

Any, my wrist is aching already so I need to end this here. I'll update you soon guys!

Extra Challenge

"God gives the toughest battles to its strongest warriors."

In my entire life, I've been through a lot of health problems, like asthma, heart disease, and now, a health problem that might take me anytime soon. Well, it's not yet confirmed if what was the sickness that I have right now, but I know where this is heading. I'm afraid that this will hamper the life I've been dreaming of, and will cause a lot of sadness and sacrifices for me and my family. This sounds like I'm overacting but I'm really scared on what will happen in the future. I've never been scared like this before.

I haven't told Lola and Papa about this, but Mommy and Kuya already knew since I was talking to them when I found about "this." (To clear this up, I'm not pregnant.) I'll be having a check up this coming week and have some lab tests to see if this is really what I'm suspecting. I'm a nurse and I can already tell if something is happening to my body. I already researched about the problem that I'm suspecting and currently taking some measures.

 I feel like God is really testing me to my limits since I was born until I reached this age. I dunno what he's up to but I know he has great plans for me even though I'm also afraid that his "plans" might not be materialized because of this challenge he has given me. I don't know what to do now since there's a lot of things that are clouding up my mind. Honestly, I have only one person in mind whom I want to talk to right now, but unfortunately, I won't be able to hear her advice.

Think positive Lhea! Kaya mo yan!

Updates!

• Tired with all these editings and revisions stuff. 
• I.NEED.A.JOB
• Frustrations...it's all coming back
• Honestly, I think I just find my him (my groupmate) cute. The eyes tho.
• Coming back to FEU brings back a lot of good memories.
• My sleeping pattern is effed up again.
• I'm planning to study more about photography. (Sayang ang camera ko please)
• Going back to sports writing soon. Good luck!
• Addicted to Flower Grandpa Investigative Team
• Back to zero crush life again. *cuts wrist*
• I want to get fat!

HAHA. Halatang tamad mag-elaborate eh no.

Give me some space

Honestly, "frustration" post talaga to kaso ewan ko, wala na akong maisip i-type mula ng binuksan ko yung window na to.

Frustration number 1: ANONG KLASENG RESEARCH AND MAGAGAGAWA NAMIN IN TWO MONTHS?

Frustration number 2: DI KO MAKAKASAMA DITO SA APARTMENT YUNG PINSAN KO. Which means kargo ko na naman lahaaaaat ng rent and utility bills.

Frustration number 3: ASAN NA BA YANG MGA TRABAHONG YAN? Sarap magmura kasi mag-iisang taon na akong nag-take ng board exam. Sa July 8, 1 year na akong pumasa. Sa September 26 naman, 1 year ko ng nakuha PRC ID ko. YUNG TOTOO?

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Ayan ang frustration ng isang unemployed nurse na kagaya ko. KBYE.

Realizations in a rainy day

~Last night, I witnessed some facets of former friendships. It's quite hard to explain but this just only involves four persons, yet you will be able to see a lot of sides by just knowing the story of those two former inseparable buddies. This entry would definitely end up like a novel if I'd write their POVs here. Haha.

Realization 1: "Iba pala pag napagod ka ng magtanong ng 'Ano ba talaga?'"

Realization 2: So close yet so far

Realization 3: Avoidant personality disorder.

Like I've said before, I won't explain much (basta!) in sorts like this. I never imagined that time flies just like that. It feels just yesterday when you've seen them hanging out like BFFs but now seemed like he's just someone whom she/he only knows, by name.

Is it that hard to mutter a single word? Even a single syllable word like "Hi" or "Hello?" Does even saying that hurts your pride? Or just your silence is the only way for you to cover up your "weak side?" Is taking the initiative to eats you up as a person? Wow, ang arte mo po --I would easily say that, even to myself. But I understand that people has their own personal reasons for their actions.

Distance can be measured from millimeter to kilometer, even miles and light years. But I think, the real measure of distance isn't by the use of those metric systems, but it's the absence of connection, or communication. Yes, you might be sitting right to each other, but without connection or communication, that millimeter distance could turn to light year-like one.

I know communication is vital to every friendships, because it is the fuel that keeps up the flame of friendship between two people. But losing that "fuel" could make a big difference, even at a short time. For me, communication is important, but the real test of friendship isn't the one that is always updated with what's hot or what's not, but being the same old friend that kept his flame of friendship alive despite of the time (and challenges) that passed between the both of you (despite the absence of the fuel). 

Lastly, acceptance is important. There will be times that you'll feel like you can't mend what's broken already. Yes, you'll give up and walk away. But wait, take time to understand why things went that way, ask yourself on what you've done already and if no avail, give up, but learn how to accept why those things happen. There must be a reason, always.

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I understand that my entry is quite difficult to comprehend. Sorry, sabog lang ako from duty :D

 

Well that's the way it is

I have this aunt who always asks me whether I had a boyfriend before, but just like a song in repeat, I would always say that I don't have time for that.

Not that I'm happy being free, but I think I'm not yet ready to commit myself in things that I'm not sure yet. I don't want to grab any opportunities of having a man while putting my own freedom and selfish happiness on the line. Besides, I don't think that man is already around, keeping an eye on what I'm doing everyday. But if he's already eyeing me, he might be disappointed looking after a girl who's not even productive in the past few months. Well sorry, I'm not in a rush.

Going back, my aunt told me a lot of things about my high school days. Well, those high school stories I wasn't even able to hear. She told me that I had this one classmate/friend that I'm really close, he planned to court me during those days but turned off whenever I share stories about acads, and the burden of being an super active student to the nth level. Well, I don't think it's a loss. I was really focused in my studies before that everything I could utter were mostly about acads. It made me laugh how acads can turn off other people. He's not a loss anyway. Then, I also had this another close friend (as told by Tita) whom I was really close (Haha, I had a lot of close friends in HS), but didn't had the courage to speak up because I'm too focused with my goal to top our class. Hahaha, my aunt told me that I spoiled the chances of having a man during my teenage days. Well, I just laughed and jumped on another topic because I really can't stand it, and that I'm too annoyed talking about those things (especially my tita's way of speaking).

No, I'm not pressured to have a boyfriend these days. I still have a lot of problems that needs to be taken care of. And besides, I haven't prayed for it yet. :) My former bus seatmate told me that those kind of things should not only be wished, but most especially, it is prayed. I should pray for it whenever I'm ready. No need to rush, because I still have a long road to take. Sometimes, I do get annoyed when love lives are being brought up, especially when they start talking about my love life that I don't or should I say, I never had. (Well, I only had crush life.) I'll better talk about my KDrama oppas. Haha.

Hay, good thing I was able to post this one. I was really annoyed this past week. I feel like that topic was being repeated every minute. After a week-long thinking, I think I know who are those guys that my tita mentioned. Haha. They're really my close friends (though I wasn't able to talk to Friend #1 since 1st year college, and I lost contact with Friend #2 again).

Hahaha, I also had this thought of listing down those topics that I want to talk with other people because I'm tired of being annoyed. Well, avoiding other people might be OA already but if that's what's best, then I'll do it. Maybe I just need more time to be with myself, and to understand things better. I can't imagine if I already have a boyfriend in times that I act like this. Haha, he would never understand my way of thinking.

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Try again, smile again

Sometimes I try my best to keep myself calm even though I feel eaten up inside. I believe that when you show people that you easily get annoyed, you'll be tagged as a loser, or pikon. Honestly, I was teased as pikon when I was young but I was able to get over it while growing up. And then from pikon, it evolved as being defensive because I always explain about my actions. Since my New Year's Resolution, or should I say my goal is not to explain things anymore, I think I should just don't mind what other people may say about my actions, because I have my own reasons.

Recently, some of my friends felt that I've been avoiding them. Yes, I am avoiding them. There are times that I already feel tired of the teasing. Well yes, you can't erase teasing between friends but it's already tiring that those teasing doesn't even end even after my long hiatus. There's this one topic that they always bring up. Well, I actually don't wanna talk about it because of....reasons. Any, I would just end up as a loser anyway. If I react, they'll say that I haven't moved on with that. And if I don't react, they'll say I'm in denial. Honestly, I don't know where to position myself. To say that I'm affected with what they're saying is an understatement. They don't even understand a bit of my actions. I did my best to create a new world for myself, to get out of the world that confined me for years. I remember what my friend told me before, that I should live my life apart from them because in the end, we'll part ways.

I think a part of this dilemma should be blamed to me. I was an open book that anyone who's curious would be able to read, but I think it should be over now. There's nothing wrong with teasing other people, but one should be sensitive enough on when to start or end it. I'm going through some things that they do not know. They don't even know some things that causes me a great burden.

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*Try again and smile again is one of CNBLUE's songs. I dunno why I chose this as the title. Well, I always come up with a very random title anyway.

What I don't understand about people

I've been itching for a long time already just  to post this one, yet I don't have the right words how to put it, even the title itself.

I'm an observant that won't even tell you straightly what I had seen with a certain person. It will take time for me to ponder about the "why's" of it. (Is "why's" grammatically correct?) There's a person online that I've known because of its "famous" connections. I didn't bothered to get close to her just to share with those "connections" but I follow her in some SNS just to get news about my crush through her updates. Moving on, I've read something that kinda tickled my inquisitive brain. "Why do you have to pose as a good person to some and a bad enemy to others if they won't agree with you?" Another thing is that she boasts about her connections and when other people asked about it and then she'll turn into an aggressive cat.

I know I sound like a kid asking about this, but can we just keep our cool? I understand that a lot of us have our own bad side, but can we not threaten them with our devilish side without knowing us. I think that why those people are being pre-judged because they pre-introduce themselves as a not-so good person when angered.

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Post-check up depression

I've encountered a lot of health check-ups since I was young. I was sickly then that's why I treated hospitals as my second home (and ships as my third because I always travel going to Puerto or Manila.). But yesterday (and up until now), I was really depressed with the result. I have a health problem that resurfaced after how many years. Since that problems was solved already, we focused our attention in my heart condition (this is serious, not a "heart-broken" kind of condition tho). But now, "that" problem it kinda hinders my plan to undergo training this upcoming March. I thought I was doing and feeling well but I'm not.

Honestly, I still think that my heart problem was worse than this because my cardiac muscles might get tired and eventually stop. I'm not depressed  or sad with the thought I might die because of this resurfaced problem, but it makes me worry on how I will work as a healthy medical practitioner.

But then again, no one beats prayers and faith in God. I've been through a lot of problems like this in the past though I had Nanay to accompany me to the doctor. But now, I have to face this all by myself. I'm too old to be accompanied by a parent or relative (haha, my dad isn't even here, and no relative is available to join me in the hospital). I guess I have to rely on my experiences on how to deal with this. This time, the tables have been turned. I'm the patient now, and I need to do what the doctors would ask me to do. Hay, we really need to take care of our health.

I'm planning to jog every morning whenever I'm not busy. I guess having a healthy lifestyle would really help. And how I wish I had a handsome nurse to take care of me. If there's no one available, then I'll just hire myself to  be my personal nurse. HAHAHAHA :)

Waiting

You don't challenge me to a waiting game because I can patiently wait, how long it will take. :D

Huhu, but it's different now because I'm dying to see that holy email from those hospitals that I applied. I keep on checking my mail everyday, hoping that someone would contact me about those job-related thingy but looks like I'm hopeless.

I called one of the first hospitals I applied to ask when will be the start of their Batch 1 training and the training officer answered that it will be on February 17. But, a trainee will be included if he/she received an email from him. Uhh, actually I haven't received any email from him regarding this month's training. I dunno whether I'll be happy or not since I prefer those hospitals which are near to my place. Any, that hospital was actually my first choice but... Haha, I can't tell why.

Another thing is, there's also a hospital that is 2 rides away from my place and their training will start by next month. I heard that not all their trainees are being absorbed, but I think I should still try. Malay mo diba? Any, I'll be finishing all my applications this week so that I will have a peaceful vacation this weekend with my cousins. Hundred Islands adventure, yaaaay!

Since I'm a bit frustrated with my current state, my tita told me that maybe my birthday gift will be the job I've been waiting for.


Christelle and Justine: Pati sa trabaho, pinaghihintay ka pa rin?



Hay. Buhay abanger (sa trabaho).

Untitled blah blah

Actually, I wanna write something about defense mechanisms but I really can't organize my mind right now so I just opted to do a "freestyle" one instead of a "structured" type.

I feel like I let my defense mechanisms reign over me. I dunno, it's just that I let denial, reaction formation, suppression and rationalization to make it up for me. Honestly, it sounds like I'm having a psych problem, but nah, I know I'm still normal.

I'm feeling this because of one reason that I don't want to divulge. If you're thinking that something happened to me, naah. Anyway, that "thing" is one of the reason's why I'm not into Facebook lately. I already know why I'm being like "this", but my defense mechs are overpowering "this" feeling. I thought I'm finally okay. I thought, "pooling" resolved this already. But no, "this" is not yet over.

Do I really sound like a psychopath now? Haha.

It's hard to admit to yourself that you feel this kind of emotion but you better not show it because of your fear of being misjudged. It's not bad to feel it. What will makes it bad is if you insist what you're feeling to other people.

This is one of the things I hate being a writer, because I can't stop writing. Some says that when you're already over it, you'll stop writing about it. But since you're reading this, it means one thing, I'm not yet over it.

*cue Starting Over Again*

Gomenasai!

(It means sorry in Japanese)

I know I've been so inactive in the past few days. I don't update my Facebook much and I don't blog that often compared to my college days, to think that I'm much available now compared before.

Honestly, I'm not doing good these days. I was sick last Wednesday and Thursday. Even though I'm not in the mood to take care of my self, I can't stand drooling over my pillow sheets and my blankets. Aside from that, I need to avoid having Tonsillitis because those streps might invade my heart (realistically speaking). So, I had to get up and go to SM San Lazaro to buy meds and foods, too. I tend spend quite much whenever I'm sick. I would buy foods I don't usually buy whenever I'm trying to be thrifty. Anyway, I need to take care of myself because no one would do it for me.

I felt better come Friday. And yuhoo, I just ended my CS problems since I opted to donate instead to serving that whole 58 hours (though I was able to render 12 hours already at the Marketing Office. Any, I also had a good time there with Mam Pink and Sir Ian). Then I also paid for my TOR and then I will be getting it today (together with my Good Moral cert). So, my last problem is my NBI clearance, but I have to call the main office regarding on my queries. Honestly, I wasn't able to copy the accomplished online form of my NBI clearance. I'm hoping that I'll be able to finish my requirements this week.

Last Thursday, I ditched that interview at a specialty clinic somewhere in Makati and then didn't attended my Nursing Proficiency Exam at PGH (since I think I won't even get a chance to pass in the next few steps. Quite a pessimistic attitude of mine). Well, I do have a valid reason: I'm sick. :P

Lately, I don't blog a lot about my inner thoughts since I'm quite cautious of what I'm saying lately. Well, I have a journal that keeps my thoughts privately. I realized that there are some things that I don't need to say to other people. Now, I learned to be more private compared to my usual "open" self.

I observed that I don't bond or go out with my Advo friends much this month. Haha, sorry but I have some financial problems lately and I don't want to spend beyond my budget. And aside from that, I don't wanna go far and I'm afraid of traveling alone especially at night. But I don't regard myself as a loner since I do hang with some of my FEU friends whom we call as "Brobabes." :) We're four in the group, one "bro" and three "babes." Bro and I are from IN and the two other babes are from IAS-Psych. They're quite older than me, so they regard me as the "bunso" yet I feel awkward at times when I call them ate or kuya so I try to call them with their names :D

For two weekends already, my BFF and I are having some ultimate bonding experience here at my apartment (since yeah, I'm in a budget). We reminisce our high school days and our island life in Cuyo. What I love about my best friend is that she knows me through and through. We were schoolmates in Prep School, High School up to College (because yeah, I followed her in FEU.) We might not bond as often as my other college friends, she knows about me more than them. There are some things that I could only open up to her esp. about family matters (yeah again, because she knows my family well). I'm hoping for more bonding moments with her :)

Moving on, I'm trying to ask myself whether I feel pressured about being unemployed or not. Honestly, I'm quite in a rush of looking for a hospital to work at. Luckily, I found that a nearby hospital is looking for a staff nurse. I want to work there since I don't have to travel far to get to my workplace. Hahaha. Lazy kid as always. Any, I'll still pass my requirements to other hospitals. :)

Aside from what I stated above, my source of entertainment is watching Asian dramas. Yesterday, I just finished Yamato Nadeshiko. Well, I'm a big fan of its anime version, and it's live action didn't disappoint me. Though at first, the actor who played Kyohei didn't even look like the anime Kyohei, but in the end, reality is different from fiction. But hey, he's handsome and I like his hair! (I dunno why I like guys with long hair lately.) Kazuya Kamenashi did a good job as Kyohei. Huhuhu, I can't help but cry with its last episode. Go Kyoheiiii. Another thing, I also watched Vic and Barbie's MARS. I'm a big fan of them since Meteor Garden days. As a fangirl, MARS was a dream come true since they're both the leads. :) Vic Zhou is soooo pogi with his long hair (haha, long hair again). Their acting was superb and I like the story because of its uniqueness and its unpredictable twists. :)

If you are an avid reader of my blog (...in short, you're from Advo), I know you'd ask about my lovelife... Well uhh, crushlife. So far, all I have are two crushes: my idol crush and my happy crush. Haha, and they're both from IN and both of them are my former seniors. :) I think I need inspiration like them to strive with my unemployed life. Hahaha. They will always remain as my crushes since I really can't reach them (and I'm younger than them.) :D

I know I'm living a lonely life but don't worry, I always find ways to be happy in what I do. This solitude will surely give me a lot of lessons that will be useful in the future. :