To my BRAVE self

http://www.candymag.com/all-access/here-s-to-all-the-girls-who-had-the-courage-to-say-how-they-really-feel-a201-20170220

This article brought me back to that day that I confessed to my guy friend. It wasn't "love" that I confessed but rather my "liking" for him and for being true to myself. Bruh, it wasn't easy. My confession took a lot of time of thinking when to confess, how, where, and if he already knows that I like him or not. It wasn't peer pressure, but letting off some emotional pressure on myself before I embark to a journey towards my dream. I humbly received the rejection and I'm happy that I got my message clear accross.

Looking back, I did regretted a bit and thought of what ifs. But now, I dont regret my choice and the confession I made is considered as my personal badge for being BRAVE. Even if I confessed or not, we will surely grow apart due to time and space (location?) but the friendship and the times spent with each other will always be a valuable part of our lives.

I'm happy that I made a bold move at a young age but mature enough to let that season pass me by. A month to go and it's already been four years since I've done it. Ah, the good times, I guess :)

Hey you!

Hello my dearest blog, sorry for not updating you always since my life was really bland these past few months and I felt like a decaying matter inside my apartmenr. Although I have a lot of things to share, please give me some space to share my feelings.
If you happen to read my past entries, it's been a long time since I had friendship-related hanash, so please bear with me since I really have to let it out even though I might regret it soon.
~Hello my dear friend, it wasn't that long ago when I officially reconnected (??) my ties with you. And before our recent meeting, we also bonded with our other friends somewhere. It seems to me that things are quite okay for me now, and that I won't have to deal with awkwardness anymore. But recently, my actions in our recent meeting made quite a misunderstanding for the people around us. I was really passive that night, not in my usual happy self, and avoided a lot of people. I may have avoided other people but not you since we also happened to talk before I went out to have my "me-time." To tell you honestly, I don't want my "me-time" to be a big thing. I don't want to explain anymore why I wanted to read my book more than going out and spend socializing with the kids. What I've done may be deemed as rude if I was with a parent that time, but I think I've never done wrong by just lying on the couch and read the entire night. Okay, I wrote and explained too long about my me-time, and I know you wouldn't even care. Well, boys are boys. Moving on, the next thing that happened was the one that made me feel like a beaten warrior. (And yuck, it's kinda exaggerated tho.) You were there when everything was happening. Yes, as my usual self, I laughed it off, but deep inside, I wasn't really happy. At some point, I asked myself if it was a big mistake that I was too honest with my feelings then, or if I was too carefree to just let people make me look like a fool in front of you. (I'm not mad with those people , but with what they did.) Despite of every word that were bombed to me, you're more of an invisible person more than a spectator. And then friendship comes in. After all the teasing (some are friendly, mild, vut there are also extreme and offending ones), you never attempted to utter a single word, not even trying to stop those things, or defending me. Honestly, that really hurted me. All these time, I took it alone, but when you're there listening, I felt more alone and helpless. And then I asked myself, "Are you a real friend?" I never had any memories of you trying to defend me. I never asked you to do it, but I hope it crossed your mind that I also needed help. I may seem strong, but it doesn't mean I'm strong all the time. There was a part of me saying that you just kept your mouth shut because you don't want to be dragged to my place. But I hope you were sensitive  enough that time. I'm writing this rant entry not as a person who liked you before, but as a troubled friend who sometimes need a person to stand up for her. There were a lot of girls who were in a situation like me, and you even know them. I hope that if ever it happens to someone you know, be that person who will defend them and make them feel that what they used to "feel" isn't a bad thing, or something to be mocked, or making fun of. I doubt if this thing will ever cross your mind, and knowing the male species, this will never ever cross your mind. Even though I wanted you to read this, but it's too late already. Since I'll be moving to another place, it will might take us years before we meet again. I hope you had erased the past image of myself as a giddy college girl who secretly liked you (yeah, it was really embarassing typing it here). I hope that when we meet again, you'll play things cooly (like I pretended I'm doing), than being what you just did all these time.
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If you're an avid reader (oh yes avid reader-slash-advo blogger), you'll definitely know who I'm talking about, and how weird and disorganized (in terms of thought) my entries are.
I'll post some good news soon. Kbye.

A bad case of...what?

(I typed a long entry already but decided to delete it anyway because I'm tired of typing anyway.)

Sorry to say this but I think I like one of my groupmates. HAHAHA. Of course he's also a nurse, and maybe you've seen him in some of my tagged photos or being mentioned in my recent tweets. Ugh I don't know, I just felt that I like him. K. He's also the same with my former crushes, nothing special. This is weird but I think this crush isn't going anywhere since our training will end this Friday (add 5 more days for thesis revisions and group bondings).

Some may say that he's just average but I think he's intelligent since he was the only one who made our Chapter 1 - 3 in no time. HAHAHA. And then, he's a bit like Tito June Ace who takes care of the kitchen very well. (We had overnights with my groupmates for 2 weekends already) HAHAHA. My groupmate Patricia hacked my FB twice today, posted a crazy status and even tagged the person I'm referring in this entry. Gahd, I'm not even showing any signs of crush but Patricia (I think) has a very good intuition.

Okay, I know this crush will just be short-lived. HAHAHA. BTW, he's cute, tall, and please guess how his eyes look like. KBye.

Realizations in a rainy day

~Last night, I witnessed some facets of former friendships. It's quite hard to explain but this just only involves four persons, yet you will be able to see a lot of sides by just knowing the story of those two former inseparable buddies. This entry would definitely end up like a novel if I'd write their POVs here. Haha.

Realization 1: "Iba pala pag napagod ka ng magtanong ng 'Ano ba talaga?'"

Realization 2: So close yet so far

Realization 3: Avoidant personality disorder.

Like I've said before, I won't explain much (basta!) in sorts like this. I never imagined that time flies just like that. It feels just yesterday when you've seen them hanging out like BFFs but now seemed like he's just someone whom she/he only knows, by name.

Is it that hard to mutter a single word? Even a single syllable word like "Hi" or "Hello?" Does even saying that hurts your pride? Or just your silence is the only way for you to cover up your "weak side?" Is taking the initiative to eats you up as a person? Wow, ang arte mo po --I would easily say that, even to myself. But I understand that people has their own personal reasons for their actions.

Distance can be measured from millimeter to kilometer, even miles and light years. But I think, the real measure of distance isn't by the use of those metric systems, but it's the absence of connection, or communication. Yes, you might be sitting right to each other, but without connection or communication, that millimeter distance could turn to light year-like one.

I know communication is vital to every friendships, because it is the fuel that keeps up the flame of friendship between two people. But losing that "fuel" could make a big difference, even at a short time. For me, communication is important, but the real test of friendship isn't the one that is always updated with what's hot or what's not, but being the same old friend that kept his flame of friendship alive despite of the time (and challenges) that passed between the both of you (despite the absence of the fuel). 

Lastly, acceptance is important. There will be times that you'll feel like you can't mend what's broken already. Yes, you'll give up and walk away. But wait, take time to understand why things went that way, ask yourself on what you've done already and if no avail, give up, but learn how to accept why those things happen. There must be a reason, always.

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I understand that my entry is quite difficult to comprehend. Sorry, sabog lang ako from duty :D

 

Training kemps #2

I just finished doing our group report. Gaaah, my hands are tired since this morning because of our BLS return demo, and then when I arrived at home I immediately typed our report.

I'm quite disappointed with my BLS. I think I suck in it. HAHAHA. I went "bobey" during my AHA BLS (but I think its worse) and I almost failed the exam. Though I felt disappointed, it was my groupmate Jam who made me happy today. She's from FEU-NRMF and we're partners for BLS since yesterday. We're the GC kids of our class. Haha. Any, I felt like I'm distancing myself from my 4 friends. I know I'm weird but I feel comfortable with silent or loner type of people and I can't keep up with the topics of my 4 friends. Well, I really can't explain now since I feel sleepy already. I just blogged just to update the world wide web on what's happening in my life. Well, it's also some sort of documentation, you know :)

I feel 'toxic" with our RetDem for Respi skills. Gaaaaah.

K. Good night!

Well that's the way it is

I have this aunt who always asks me whether I had a boyfriend before, but just like a song in repeat, I would always say that I don't have time for that.

Not that I'm happy being free, but I think I'm not yet ready to commit myself in things that I'm not sure yet. I don't want to grab any opportunities of having a man while putting my own freedom and selfish happiness on the line. Besides, I don't think that man is already around, keeping an eye on what I'm doing everyday. But if he's already eyeing me, he might be disappointed looking after a girl who's not even productive in the past few months. Well sorry, I'm not in a rush.

Going back, my aunt told me a lot of things about my high school days. Well, those high school stories I wasn't even able to hear. She told me that I had this one classmate/friend that I'm really close, he planned to court me during those days but turned off whenever I share stories about acads, and the burden of being an super active student to the nth level. Well, I don't think it's a loss. I was really focused in my studies before that everything I could utter were mostly about acads. It made me laugh how acads can turn off other people. He's not a loss anyway. Then, I also had this another close friend (as told by Tita) whom I was really close (Haha, I had a lot of close friends in HS), but didn't had the courage to speak up because I'm too focused with my goal to top our class. Hahaha, my aunt told me that I spoiled the chances of having a man during my teenage days. Well, I just laughed and jumped on another topic because I really can't stand it, and that I'm too annoyed talking about those things (especially my tita's way of speaking).

No, I'm not pressured to have a boyfriend these days. I still have a lot of problems that needs to be taken care of. And besides, I haven't prayed for it yet. :) My former bus seatmate told me that those kind of things should not only be wished, but most especially, it is prayed. I should pray for it whenever I'm ready. No need to rush, because I still have a long road to take. Sometimes, I do get annoyed when love lives are being brought up, especially when they start talking about my love life that I don't or should I say, I never had. (Well, I only had crush life.) I'll better talk about my KDrama oppas. Haha.

Hay, good thing I was able to post this one. I was really annoyed this past week. I feel like that topic was being repeated every minute. After a week-long thinking, I think I know who are those guys that my tita mentioned. Haha. They're really my close friends (though I wasn't able to talk to Friend #1 since 1st year college, and I lost contact with Friend #2 again).

Hahaha, I also had this thought of listing down those topics that I want to talk with other people because I'm tired of being annoyed. Well, avoiding other people might be OA already but if that's what's best, then I'll do it. Maybe I just need more time to be with myself, and to understand things better. I can't imagine if I already have a boyfriend in times that I act like this. Haha, he would never understand my way of thinking.

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Try again, smile again

Sometimes I try my best to keep myself calm even though I feel eaten up inside. I believe that when you show people that you easily get annoyed, you'll be tagged as a loser, or pikon. Honestly, I was teased as pikon when I was young but I was able to get over it while growing up. And then from pikon, it evolved as being defensive because I always explain about my actions. Since my New Year's Resolution, or should I say my goal is not to explain things anymore, I think I should just don't mind what other people may say about my actions, because I have my own reasons.

Recently, some of my friends felt that I've been avoiding them. Yes, I am avoiding them. There are times that I already feel tired of the teasing. Well yes, you can't erase teasing between friends but it's already tiring that those teasing doesn't even end even after my long hiatus. There's this one topic that they always bring up. Well, I actually don't wanna talk about it because of....reasons. Any, I would just end up as a loser anyway. If I react, they'll say that I haven't moved on with that. And if I don't react, they'll say I'm in denial. Honestly, I don't know where to position myself. To say that I'm affected with what they're saying is an understatement. They don't even understand a bit of my actions. I did my best to create a new world for myself, to get out of the world that confined me for years. I remember what my friend told me before, that I should live my life apart from them because in the end, we'll part ways.

I think a part of this dilemma should be blamed to me. I was an open book that anyone who's curious would be able to read, but I think it should be over now. There's nothing wrong with teasing other people, but one should be sensitive enough on when to start or end it. I'm going through some things that they do not know. They don't even know some things that causes me a great burden.

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*Try again and smile again is one of CNBLUE's songs. I dunno why I chose this as the title. Well, I always come up with a very random title anyway.

Thanks, no thanks

There are times that we refuse to accept the concern of other people. Not that we have a towering pride to accept it, but we feel like we don't need any of their concern, because yeah, we can get past to it.

I'm a the exact example of that kind of person in my second sentence. Sometimes, I'll just let those words of concern pass from my ear going out to my other ear and don't let any single word of that sentence I heard remain in my head.

I've been avoiding a certain person since last month. I unfollowed him/her in Facebook so that I won't see its updates in my news feed. I felt fine in the past weeks that I didn't had any words or photos of him/her in my news feed. Until tonight that I received a tweet asking me what happened with my eye. Upon reading that tweet, I didn't replied because I don't need to explain why my eye is a bit irritated. Another thing is, I'm avoiding him/her, so why ruin my own plan?

But then again, the story I've read (for the second time) this afternoon entered my mind. Friends would ask the other friend what he/she is feeling, because, he/she is his/her friend anyway. 

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*-----* means I don't know how to end this post.

Alert!

I think I need to push the panic button now. As in now na.

Haha. Okay, I know it's kinda creepy but I'm stalking someone's FB right now. Since most of my readers here are my Advo friends, guys wag nyo na hulaan, di nyo sya kilala at wag nyo na syang hanapin pa sa Facebook ko. Haha.

Ayun nga, medyo weird tong pangsstalk ko ha. Medyo kamakailan ko lang sya nakasama pero last year ko pa sya nakilala. Okey lang naman bilang ka-institute ko naman, and syempre medyo iba din kasi pag ka-insti mo, may mga bagay na kayo-kayo lang ang nagkakaintindihan. Moving on, keri lang naman, pogi sya. K. Kaso, ang problema ngayon eh bet ko na yata sya. Nooooooooo! Hindi pwedeeeeeee!

So eto na nga, ayoko sya maging crush kasi ine-expect ko na magiging hopia na naman ako. Hahaha. Pero masasabi kong improvement to kasi ngayon lang ako uli nagka-crush mula sa IN. Hahahaha. Wala eh, nasa higher batches pala yung mga bet sa IN eh. (Ayan, clue na yan!)

Wala namang masamang magka-crush kasi nga pwede naman talaga, kaso hindi pwede eh, bunso-zoned agad ako neto. Huhu. Ewan ko ba, basta bet ko sya. Natatatawa nga ako na tina-type ko to kasi isa na naman tong kabaliwan na pagsisisihan ko sa huli kung bakit ko pa pinost. Pero hindi talaga pwede, ayoko sya maging crush, pero shet, kinikilig ako sa kanya.

Huhu, mga dyosa ng mga bigo sa crush, tulungan nyo ko. Wala akong pag-asa dito eh.

KFine, sana pala lumipat na sya ng hospital para maging future co-staffers kami (Yes? Co-staffers? Advo lang? Co-nurses siguro?) :D

Hashtag RELATE

*Don't take it too seriously guys!*

Flashback: It was my last night in Puerto Princesa when this "Friendzone" MMK episode was aired (it was later on when I learned that it's title was Wedding Booth). Too bad I wasn't able to watch it til the end because Kuya and I went to an event. So two nights ago, I planned to watch its replay online, and then decided to make this entry to air my side.

*Please watch it guys!*
Part 1: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x2-qupjGELQ
Part 2: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N22sGVnybNM
Part 3: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d1THj5VVNLA


So there, medyo relate ako sa episode na yun, not because I'm a hopeless romantic, but I was also "friendzoned" twice. Yes, T-W-I-C-E. I know you KNOW who those guys are, but I won't mention their names here again because I made a promise not to mention them again here (and because, yeah, we're friends). The first one was the "unseen" while the other was the "always there" friend.

There are some parts of the episode that I can't relate, especially when Marq dated and had a relationship with Gel's best friends (Dina= college BFF; Belle= work BFF). Okay, let me react to this, isang HASHTAG taksil na BFFs para sa kanilang dalawa. Yes,  I would feel betrayed if the same thing happened to me, too. Like yeah, those people knows how Gel likes Marq but they somewhat "snatched" him from her. I know there's an unwritten law for BFFs, na hindi mo tataluhin yung bet/jowa/ex-jowa ng best friend mo. With what happened (if I were Gel), it's much better to lose them than keep them. Yun pa nga lang eh may ka-traydoran na, what more kung sa ibang bagay pa? (I'm really putting myself on Gel's shoes. And yes, I'm feeling it.)

But what really hit me was the confession part of Gel. I think it could even match Jolina's line as Bujoy in her past movie. Hahaha. Too bad I have to watch the episode again and write the whole conversation here.

KFine, I'm doing it.....

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Marq: Uy Gel, kamusta ka na?
Gel: Uy Marq.
Marq: Sorry nga pala kung di ako nakapag-text sayo, naghahanap kasi ako ng trabaho... Siguro magpa-part time turo na muna ako dito sa NOCC. Masaya yun diba? Magkakasama tayo uli.
Gel: Tingin mo talaga okey sakin yun ha? Tngin mo okey sakin na makita ka uli? Ganyan ka ba talaga ka-manhid, Marq? Di mo ba talaga alam yung nararamdaman ko sayo ha? Tingin mo okey lang sakin na makita ka lagi? Wala ka ba talagang pakialam sa nararamdaman ko? Di mo ba napapansin na matafak na kitang mahal, ha? Hindi ba? Sinubukan ko naman eh. Pinilit ko namang di maramdaman tong nararamdaman ko eh. Pero kasalanan mo rin. Pinaramdam mo sakin na yung mga kilos mo sakin, yung mga sinasabi mo, yung mga pinaramdam mo. Pinaramdam mo na espesyal ako.
Marq: Espesyal ka naman talaga sakin Gel.
Gel: Pero bakit hindi ako? Bakit hindi ako? Bat laging sina Dina? Bat laging sina Belle? Bat laging kaibigan ko, best friend ko pero never ako, ha? Bakit? Marq, may mali ba sakin? Bat di mo ko kayang mahalin? May kulang ba sakin? Meron ba?

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And next is Marq's part which was really something that I heard already. :P

Marq: Walang mali sayo Gel. *silence* Sa tingin mo ba hindi ko naisip na ligawan ka? Na hindi ko ginusto na higitan pa yung pagkakaibigan natin? Napakadali sakin na mahalin ka ng ganun, Gel. Pero ayoko, ayoko Gel. Alam mo naman siguro kung anong nangyari samin ni Dina. Nagkahiwalay kami. Pagkatapos nun, ni pagkakaibigan walang natira samin. Ayokong isugal yun sayo. Dahil ikaw ang isa sa mga pinaka-importanteng babae sa buhay ko. At natatakot akong mawala ka sakin. Pasensya na kung nasaktan kita, kung pinaasa kita. Di naman yun ang intensyon ko. Ganun lang ako siguro magpakita ng alaga at lambing sa mga taong mahal ko. At mahal kita Gel. Mahal na mahal kita. Sana pagkatapos nito, di ka mawala sakin.


Okay, so lemme react first on Gel's "abrupt" confession. For me, the honest way of confessing to someone was not the planned one. I mean, ang mga ganyan, biglaang sinasabi, walang plano plano. Kapag pinlano mo, medyo hashtag scripted na yan because you plotted what will happen eh. While in the abrupt one, your honesty is at its peak. No holds barred ika nga.

With what Gel said, I love the honesty and how she pointed out why it was always her best friends. Though the story has its own lapses since it really focuses on Gel, I wanted to know how Marq and Dina/Belle became that close and developed their feelings and how they broke up. Hahaha. Ang demanding ko yata?

Pero kung ako kay Gel, the moment Marq and  Belle entered the party and the guy acknowledged Gel's presence, sana man lang eh nag-plastic smile na lang sya para kunwari eh keri lang. Medyo halatado kasi si Gel. :P

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On Marq's confession, gusto kong magkaroon ng bad girl and good girl's POV. Sorry, may alter ego ako.

Bad girl: I already heard his lines before. Let's just say that someone had thrown me that killer line before, and that I didn't know how to react because I didn't understood it well. Good thing I had a guy friend like June Ace who was really intelligent in debunking guys codes. Since Marq's line was somewhat similar sa narinig ko before, lemme insert June Ace's POV here. He told me that a guy would find it hard telling a girl like Gel (sabihin na nating kagaya ko.) that he loves her. Parang hindi raw honest. If I were to summarize yung mga sinabi ni Marq, Juneys would definitely say na pang-cover up lang yung sinabi ni Marq. Walang honesty at all. Hahaha. Mean guy is mean. K. But in my point, Marq is so selfish. Masyado nyang pinangunahan yung mararamdaman nya. I mean, he loves her yet pinigilan nya yung sarili nya kasi ayaw nyang masaktan si Gel. Hello, you could have been happier or the both of you could've been happier kung hindi ka natakot. Medyo natawa ako sa part na "Ayokong mawala ka sakin" kasi it just proves his selfishness. Nasaktan na nya si Atey and yet he wanted her to stay? Medyo magulo ha.

Good girl: Marq did the right thing, na inexplain nya kay Gel yung side nya. Mabuti lang it didn't took quite long for him to tell his own story kasi in my case, it took a year din ha. It's much harder kapag yung agrabyadong party yung nagsi-seek ng explanation pero yung kabilang partido is denying you of that precious explanation you deserve since day one. Well, until that fateful day came. Going back, Gel deserves an explanation from him. It took a lot of courage from her to tell him what she feels. Kahit na she felt rejected already, pero sinabi nya pa rin para maging honest sya kay Marq and sa sarili nya. It's difficult to fall in love with a friend, kasi feeling mo tina-traydor mo sya. He knows you as a friend, pero may hidden feelings ka pala sa kanya. I also liked the fact na ayaw nyang magaya si Gel sa ex nya who happened to be Gel's estranged BFF-slash-college roomate. Sabi nga nila, wag mong pitasin ang isang bulaklak kung sisirain mo lang. :)

"Never assume unless otherwise stated," yan yung sinabi ni Gel nung una, pero nung huli eh kinain din nya yung sinabi nya. No, hindi ako kontra kay Gel, actually kaisa nya ko. :) Sabihin na lang natin na sadyang sweet lang si friendd kaya napa-assume ng bongga si atey. Well, sweet sya kasi Gel is dear to him...as a friend. Sabi nga rin ni Marq na pwede nman nyang i-level up ang friendship nila eh, kaso sayang. Hay ewan. Medyo ambivalent ako ha. Pero I'm glad that Marq knows his intentions. Ang hirap kasi kung ni-level up nga nya yung friendship yet unclear sa kanya yung intentions nya and then eventually eh iiwan nya sa ere si girl kasi pati sarili nya eh hindi nya maintindihan, kung ano ba talaga yung nafi-feel nya or kung ano intentions nya. (Okey, I'm speaking based on experiences again.) But as a real friend that he is, he doesn't want to lose Gel as easy as that. Sabihin na lang natin na challenge lang sa friendship nila yung nangyari, pero nung huli eh they remained friends pa rin naman. I'm happy that friendship prevailed between them. Gaya nga ng sinabi ni Gel na " Kahit mabigat ang pinagdaanan nyo, basta malalim ang pagkakaibigan, kaya nyong magka-ayos sa tulong ng time and space." (Nung bata pa ko, ang time at space eh pang-measure ng distance. Ngayon eh paraan para mag-move on na! Hahaha. Ayos!)

Dun sa ending, medyo nag-expect ako na they would end up together, kaso they remained friends pa rin. Well, I wish them all the best. Malay mo, sila pala meant to be. Hahaha. Salamat sa MMK, medyo iyak-tawa yung ganap ko sa episode na yun. And props to Alex Gonzaga for nailing the confession scene, and kay Arron Villaflor na bet na bet ko :))

Eat. Sleep. Laugh

It's been 2 weeks since I left Manila. And honestly, I miss my apartment, the unli WiFi, and my favorite Starbucks beverage. Well yeah, I miss my friends, too.

Some people were asking me if I'm staying here for good already. Hmm, depende! I can stay here as long as I want because I really missed my Lola. Well, pwede naman talaga na dito na ko mag-stay, but I can't. I already have plans for myself. Medyo na-delay na nga bilang Sept/Oct ko pa balak mag-work. Any, okey naman sakin na umuwi ako dito to take a break from the city, and para makalanghap ng masarap na hangin.

 

I'm here in Puerto Princesa City. Basically, this is not my real home, or my hometown, but since Lola's here I can already consider this as my second home here in Palawan. My vacation here won't be complete if I won't be able to go back to Cuyo. I'm planning to go there next week, kaso titignan ko pa kung okey ba yung panahon. (Ayoko bumyahe ng bagyo. Dambuhala pa naman yung mga alon pauwi samin.) Yung mismong "bahay" na lang talaga uuwian ko dun since di na rin kami nakatira dun, and wala na ring tao. Nakakamiss lang na dati eh ansaya ng bahay namin kahit na tatlo lang kaming nakatira. Okey, medyo madrama na to. Move on.

So far, hindi ako pala-lakwatsa dito sa Puerto. Medyo tinatamad ako gumala. Sa two weeks na andito ako, four times pa lang ako umalis ng bahay. During my first week, nag-meet kami ng childhood neighbor ko sa isang coffee shop sa city proper. Nung pauwi na, na-meet din namin yung isa pa naming classmate nung high school. Medyo small world :)

Then pumunta rin ako ng Baywalk mag-isa. Di naman sa nagda-drama, tinry ko lang gumala mag-isa. Then after ilang years eh nakapag-bike rin ako. Marunong pa pala akong mag-bike eh!

Recently, pumunta naman kami ng pinsan ko sa Baker's Hill. Everytime na pumupunta ako dun, nag-iiba yung place :)) Nag-enjoy naman ako, maliban sa mga fail photos nung pinsan ko bilang naloloka raw sya sa camera ko. Medyo nainggit ako dun sa mga families na nagto-tour dun sa place kasi andami nila. Natuwa ako dun sa nakasalubong ko sa park kasi may isang guy (na same age ko lang yata) na inaalalayan yung Lola nya na naglalakad. Ang adorable nilang tignan. Kaso, after nya alalayan yung Lola nya, nakasalubong ko uli sya. Lech, ambango nya! Hahaha. Naligo ata sa perfume yun eh! Sayang, #SPARKS sana :P

 

Ayun nga, di naman ako pumunta dito para mag-bakasyon grande. I think, umuwi ako dito para magpahinga. Feeling ko eh pagod na pagod ako. Stressful mamuhay sa syudad eh. Dito, tahimik and simple lang buhay. So far, tumataba na yung cheeks ko. Buti na lang. At tulog lang ako ng tulog :D And, syempre tawa ng tawa dahil sa mga kalokohan ni Lola. Parang bumalik lang din ako sa dati kong buhay, simple pero masaya :)

Weird dream is weird

I slept for more than 10 hours today, and I woke up dahil sa hindi ako makahinga due to a sever chest pain (which is bad because I have a heart problem for years already). So I positioned myself in high fowlers just to aid my breathing. I thought nalulunod ako pero di naman pala. But, my dream isn't connected with drowning or whatevs. It's kinda related to something na madalas na dumadaan sa isipan ko lately.

Hindi sya magkakasunu-sunod so per scene ko na lang sya ikukuwento.

The first one was a car racing. I dunno kung pano sya napunta sa parteng yun since ang naaalala ko eh nasa isang construction store (provincial setting) ako para bumili ng pako or whatevs and may pinapalabas na boxing match sa TV.

The next thing I remember eh sinave nya ko dun sa car racing. Weird lang diba?

Next, pababa na kami ng parang hill ng may nadaanan kaming children's park na overlooking a very beautiful place. Pero, ang sabi ko eh Cuyo yun, pero based dun sa itsura ng setting eh hindi naman. But the cute part there was when he's holding my hand. Yes, he's a HE. Baka naman babae yung naiisip nyo ha. Charot.

I dunno kung bakit ako kinikilig, hahaha, pero throughout my dream, ilang beses namin inuulit-ulit na we're friends. (Alangan naman na magkaaway kami?)

And the last one was nung may nabasag syang glass windown nung nasa town proper na kami. Di ko alam kung bat nabasag yun, may bumato ng bote o sapatos eh. So the owner of the house asked us to come inside and talk about what happened. Since si "friend" lang naman ang may kasalanan, he (the house owner) invited him in a room (which I first thought was an office).

Since antagal ko na sa may sala, nagsuspetsa na ko na baka may maling nagaganap though wala naman akong naririnig na pag-aaway. So nag-ninja moves na ko. Lumabas ako at sumilip sa window kaso wala akong makita at wala akong marinig. In the end, I went back inside of the house and kicked the door really hard when I found the house owner doing something "EEEW!"

(OKAY. RATED SPG. AND DI KO KINAYA)

Lemme say what I actually said in my dream, PUTANGINA! Well, I rarely curse someone, but that was really something I can't handle anymore. Dahil sa sobrang hiya nung house owner (tangina, di pa sya nahiya!), pumasok sya ng CR para ayusin sarili nya. Ayos-ayusin nya naman sarili nya, pati utak nya!!!

So ayun, balik sakin ang eksena. Nagsusumigaw na ko sa loob ng room na yun tapos andami kong pinagsasabi. Yung ibang sinabi ko, di ko na maalala though yung iba naaalala ko pa. Wanna know what I said? Secret. Charot. Malamang umiiyak ako sabay sabi ng mga walang hiya yung lechugas na house owner na yun and chuchuchu. Tapos eto naman ako kay "friend" na kawawang kawawa. Aaaand, parang sinabi ko na rin na betchikels ko si friendlaloo.

Honestly, di ko ineexpect na ganun magiging dream ko. Nakakaloka lang yung subconscious mind ko, ang weird lang talaga. Feeling ko, kaya ko napanaginipan si friendlaloo bilang napag-usapan namin sya ni BFF last Saturday. Yun siguro yun. Although medyo may guest appearance din tong si friendlaloo sa mga past dreams ko, medyo disturbing lang yung panaginip ko kanina.

Pero kidding aside, I know there's a deeper meaning kung bakit napapanaginipan natin yung mga tao. Maybe we're denying that we're thinking about them but in reality, deep in our hypothalamus, it will always be them who we're thinking about. I know it's not right or wrong to think about him, we're friends, right. Pero disturbing lang kasi yung pagdadrama ko dun sa last part, parang it says that I still like the person.

I think it's not bad to still like a person. Well, we all like a certain person, it might be a friend or not. Pano mo ba magiging friend yung isang tao kung hindi mo bet maging friend, diba? Haha, I think may point naman yung argument ko, right? I may still like a friend, but let's just leave it for being as a friend alone.

Sometimes, natatawa ako when my other friends tells me to "move on." And I'm questioning myself, "Ano ba ipagmu-move on ko?" So babalikan ko uli yung pinaglalaban ko lagi na, it's not wrong to like someone, then tell it straightly to him that you like him BUT you're not asking him to like you back, or to love you. So liking someone without assuming or exxpecting something in return isn't really bad. Aaand, it won't hurt that much. Trust me.

There are some times that I felt that I already lost my pride for doing that, but hey, I didn't lost anything. I still have my old self, my friend, our friendship, that's all. And, I also wanted to say that there's no romance that happened between the two of us. Maybe that's why other people needs to "move on" because they we're used to have romantic ties, and dahil nasanay na sila sa ganun, kapag nawala na yung romance eh kelangan naman nilang kalimutan yung mga nakasanayan nila. Well, same goes dun sa mga umasa, pinaasa, landian, MU kunwari or kahit ano pa man. Asus, pinagdaanan ko na rin yang MU "kuno" (not related with the friendlaloo person here) and at first ang hirap,  kasi nakasanayan mo na may nagke-care sayo (kahit thru text lang. WTH!). Ah basta, parang ganun na rin yun no. Siguro sa parteng yun, applicable ang pagmu-move on diba?

So if ever there will be other people who will soon tell me to "move on" (again), I think walang point yung pagmu-move on, kasi wala naman talaga :)

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Sa sobrang freestyle ng blog entry ko na to, nailabas ko na naman mga ibang hanash ko. :D Sige lang guys, malay nyo may ma-realize din kayo sa mga ka-hanash-an ko :)

Looking back and forth

Another night of reminiscing past memories. :D

Actually, nagsimula lang to nung nahanap ko yung 2011 planner and memo block ko. Tawang-tawa ako sa mga nasulat ko dun. Di ko maimagine yung mga iniisip ko nun. Parang desidido na ko mag-jowa nun ha! (Good thing di ko pinush! Di ko maimagine buhay ko ngayon kung nagka-jowa ako! My goodness!)

After that, nakita ko naman sa drawer ko yung Nokia expressmusic phone ko. The last time na ginamit ko yun eh nung March pa (nung ninakaw yung BB Curve ko). Pero matagal-tagal ko ring ginamit yung Nokia ko nung 4th yr. From July to December ko ginamit yung Nokia phone ko alongside my BB Curve (na Smart yung sim).

Since gumana na yung phone ko, naisipan kong magbasa ng texts. Well, di ko na naisipang basahin yung 2011 texts ko bilang walang kwenta lang naman yung mga naiwang texts dun, puro si Joshua lang :D Nung sa 2012 naman, puro haggard days ko, tapos mga GM ng Mayor namin, plus editors and Sporthos na puro tungkol sa covers. Sa lahat ng texts na nandun, andami kong tawa sa mga chikahan namin ni JH lalo na yung usapang PBA at Chris Tiu. Kainis, kinokontra ako sa pagfa-fangirl ko kay Chris (pati kay Terrence!). Haha. Pero mas madalas pala naming pagkwentuhan nun yung acads. Hoho. Acads forevs! 

Feeling ko tuloy ang petiks nung buhay ko noong fourth year, kasi kahit na stressed ako, parang hindi ako nagre-reklamo. Actually, tuwang-tuwa pa ko nagkkwento about sa duty ko na nagpa-anak ako. HAHAHA. Isipin mo, yung katext ko eh matutulog na, ako eh nagsisimula pa lang araw ko (bilang graveyard duty ako). Tapos sa umaga pag-uwi ko, magkkwento ako about sa duty, yung kausap ko naman papasok na ng school. :D

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Habang nanunuod ako ng TV kanina, sabi nila eh 20,000 words yung average na sinasabi ng mga babae. Kung sa iba eh 20K, kamusta naman kaya sakin? Tapos naging aware tuloy ako sa words na sinasabi ko. Since ilang araw na akong walang kausap sa bahay, ilang words lang kaya nasasabi ko? HAHAHA. Sa araw na to, i dont think kung naka-1000 words ako. :D

Back

Note: Isang walang kwentang post. Bow.

I actually planned to keep this one as a secret, but in the end, bakit ko nga pala kelangang i-sikreto to? Ano to? Buhay ng high-profile na tao? XD

Last Wednesday, I was with Joshua. Yes, you read it right. Just click the Joshua tag to know more about him. Pero kung lagi kang nagbabasa dito, malamang alam mo na.

Moving on. Last week pa namin napagpasyahan na manuod ng game, syempre suporta naman sya sa childhood friend nya. The day before the game, nag-usap na kami kung san kami magkikita, which was Baclaran Church (bat kase anlayo?!).

Nung mismong day na yun, around noon, eh nagtext sya na ayaw daw syang payagan ng girlfriend nya. (Teh, wag masyadong magnet kay jowabels okey? Pasalamat ka eh martir sayo yang jowa mo kahit na... Nevermind!) So I told him na bahala naa sya umeskapo sa girl friend nya. Ayoko naman maki-join sa di nila pagkakaunawaan. After an hour, nagtext na si Joshua na paalis na sya. So pumunta na rin ako ng FEU para kunin yung tickets at nag-LRT papuntang Baclaran.

At nauna syang dumating sa simbahan kesa sakin, at late ako ng lampas 30 minutes. Aba, galit pa na late ako? May 'wtf' pa sa dulo ng text. Aba, walang murahan dre!

Any, pagdating ko ng simbahan eh nakita ko agad sya. Well, naka-white v-neck shirt (gaaah, kahinaan ko ang vneck shirts!) and acid-washed pants plus sneakers. Pagkakita ko sa kanya eh hinatak ko sya papuntang simbahan bilang magpe-pray muna ako bago umalis. Di na ko nakabalik uli dun after exams.

Since ambilis ko maglakad (at ang kupad nya), nauna na ko sa kanya pero paglingon ko eh andun naman sya sa likod ko at pa-ngiti-ngiti pa (medyo abnormal na ngiti lang). Pagkatapos nun eh naglakad na kami papuntang sakayan. Jusko, bat ba antagal maglakad neto? halos masunog na balat ko sa init. Ang hirap pa eh geographically-challenged pa tong kasama ko. Medyo masarap isumpa kasi ke-lalaking tao, di marunong mag-commute!

Pagsakay namin sa jeep, kwento agad sya about dun sa jowa nya na ayaw syang payagan at ginawa na nya lahat ng paraan para payagan sya. Hay, ganyan talaga pag medyo desidido, gagawin ang lahat. Sabi ko nga eh sana nagpaalam na sya agad nung nagsabi sya na manunuod kami. At dagdag ko pa "Ako nga eh, nagpaalam ako agad kaya pinayagan ako!" (Tunog may jowa kuno!) HAHAHAHA.

Pagdating ng MRT, kinawawa ko na naman sya sa kahahabol sakin sa paglalakad. Ayoko kasi ng makupad na tao. Makupad ako gumalaw pero mabilis ako maglakad. -_________- Hanggang papunta dun sa mismong sakayan eh halos hingalin sya sa kakahabol.

"Hahawakan na nga kita, baka mawala ka na naman eh." (Jusko, bat kinilig ako sa parteng to? HAHAHA) Ang bilis ko raw kasi maglakad. Medyo 10x nya ata inulit sakin na ambilis ko. So hinawakan nya yung bag ko habang naghihintay kami sa tren. (Jusko MRT Taft, bat lagi akong kinikilig pag napupunta ako dito? LOL)

Nung andun na kami sa tren, magkausap pa rin kami at medyo magkaharap kami (parang nangyari na to dati? Kaso medyo "close" ata yung nauna dahil siksikan to death sa LRT 1). Super random lang ng usapan namin, minsan inaasar ko sya na ang tanda na nya dahil 21 na sya at dapat eh nung 2012 pa sya graduate pero ngayon di pa rin sya graduate, tapos yung height nya na naungusan ko na, at yung pagiging martir nya (dinaig nya ko sa pagka-martir! Wag ka! XD). 

Nagku-kwento rin naman sya tungkol sa studies nya, sa OJT, sa buhay-jowa nya, at ibang bagay about sa childhood friend nya. Yung ibang mga chismis na nababasa ko sa twitter, medyo sa kanya ko vine-verufy. At sa sobrang tanong ko, nasabihan pa ko na " Stalker ka talaga ni Terrence no? Alam mo lahat lahat!" Excuse me, may ibang tao na mas may alam no! Ang pinagkaiba lang eh part ng work ko ang mag-research. Chos! :P

Pagdating ng Cubao Station, andami nyang pinagsasasabi. Haha, nakakainis yung kadaldalan nya. "Bat ba ang adik adik mo sa FEU? Oo nga pala, "alumni" ka nga pala." "Sorry ah, puro FEU kami sa pamilya eh," sagot ko naman. Nung dun na sa Farmers, hinihingal na naman sya sa kakasunod. "Ano ba, ambilis mo maglakad. Para tayong hinahabol o may hinahabol." Hello? Eh kung alam lang sana nya kung pano mag-commute eh di nakapanuod pa kami ng 1st game! Walanjo naman to!

Hay, mula Baclaran hanggang Cubao, di ko mabilang kung ilang beses kami nag-away. Jusko, di talaga fit ugali namin. Teka, di naman sya ganito katigas ang ulo dati (DATI) at di naman ako mapang-asar at mainitin ang ulo. Nagagawa nga naman ng 2 years na away-bating friendship na may kasamang isnaban.

Nung nasa loob na kami ng Araneta, napagkwentuhan naman namin yung last year na nagkita kami, at kung pano ko sya tinalo sa basketball, pano nya ko tinalo, at kung pano rin sya tinatalo ng gf nya na nakaka, 100+ points pa. Ikaw na te!

Medyo patapos na yung game nung dumating kami. Buti na lang eh nag-overtime!

Nung FEU na yung nagwa-warm up, andami nyang kwento about dun sa childhood friend nya. Wala eh, sya na maraming alam. Nung nag-start na yung game, halos di ko na sya makausap, masyadong tutok sa game, at tutok sa pagte-text kay jowa sabay share sakin kung ano pinag-usapan nila. (Bat kasi walang nagte-text sakin???!) Moving on again, pag may gusto syang ikwento, bubulong sya lalo na't di kami magkarinigan. Ang lakas ba naman ng drums!

Pagdating ng halftime, iniwan ko sya dun sa inuupuan nya at lumipat ako dun kay Kuya Kit. Hahaha, bat ba? Ang boring nya. (Though medyo nag-iimprove sya everytime na nagkikita kami, which was one in a blue moon, or once a year).

Nung second half, medyo dikdikan na yung laban. At nung nagpe-pray na ko, aba! nagpe-pray na rin ang loko. "Pag natalo kami, lagot ka sakin." Ayun nga, natalo kami. JINX! At in-enumerate ko yung mga games na nanuod sya at natalo ang FEU. 2010 PCCL Semis, 2011 UAAP Finals, 2012 FEU-DLSU KO game, then ngayon naman. Jusko, jinx nga!

Paglabas namin, kinukulit nya ko na ihatid sya sa MRT. My goodness, mas lalaki pa nga ata talaga ako kesa dito. Buti at nakita ko yung daddy ni Terrence at may makakasama na sya pauwi. Hay. Bago kami nagkahiwalay, may picture pa kaming dalawa. Thanks to Jocas! 

(Wala eh, mukha pa naman kaming bagay dito sa picture na to! HAHAHAHA. Pero in all fairness, mas matangkad na ako ng kaunti sa kanya.)

Ayun, nagkahiwalay na lang kami ng walang good bye o kung anuman. Oh well, sanay na ako dyan.

(Hello there Joshua Enrico! HAHAHA. Putek, ang boring mo pa rin kasama! Next time yung gf mo na lang isama mo sakin, baka mag-enjoy pa kami. I'm so proud of you! Pinaka-martir na friend, ever!)

After one year, ngayon lang kami uli nagkita. Medyo nakakatuwa lang yung feeling na nakita mo uli yung isang friend mo na kahit medyo hindi kayo in good terms eh mukha naman kayong close friends. Mukha lang. Kahit na medyo hindi okey ang nakaraan ko dito (at di ko naman pinagsisisihan yun), nakalimutan na rin namin yun.. Actually sya, parang wala ng maalala, medyo ako na lang ang may naaalala pa.

Matagal man naayos yung friendship namin, bilang andami kong tanong ssa utak ko, eventually naayos din :) Sana naman maayos ko na rin tong sarili ko at nang maayos ko na rin yung isa pang friendship na medyo na-spoil ko ng kaunti dahil sa gabundok na pride at pag-ooverthink.

hay friendship!