Weird dream is weird

I slept for more than 10 hours today, and I woke up dahil sa hindi ako makahinga due to a sever chest pain (which is bad because I have a heart problem for years already). So I positioned myself in high fowlers just to aid my breathing. I thought nalulunod ako pero di naman pala. But, my dream isn't connected with drowning or whatevs. It's kinda related to something na madalas na dumadaan sa isipan ko lately.

Hindi sya magkakasunu-sunod so per scene ko na lang sya ikukuwento.

The first one was a car racing. I dunno kung pano sya napunta sa parteng yun since ang naaalala ko eh nasa isang construction store (provincial setting) ako para bumili ng pako or whatevs and may pinapalabas na boxing match sa TV.

The next thing I remember eh sinave nya ko dun sa car racing. Weird lang diba?

Next, pababa na kami ng parang hill ng may nadaanan kaming children's park na overlooking a very beautiful place. Pero, ang sabi ko eh Cuyo yun, pero based dun sa itsura ng setting eh hindi naman. But the cute part there was when he's holding my hand. Yes, he's a HE. Baka naman babae yung naiisip nyo ha. Charot.

I dunno kung bakit ako kinikilig, hahaha, pero throughout my dream, ilang beses namin inuulit-ulit na we're friends. (Alangan naman na magkaaway kami?)

And the last one was nung may nabasag syang glass windown nung nasa town proper na kami. Di ko alam kung bat nabasag yun, may bumato ng bote o sapatos eh. So the owner of the house asked us to come inside and talk about what happened. Since si "friend" lang naman ang may kasalanan, he (the house owner) invited him in a room (which I first thought was an office).

Since antagal ko na sa may sala, nagsuspetsa na ko na baka may maling nagaganap though wala naman akong naririnig na pag-aaway. So nag-ninja moves na ko. Lumabas ako at sumilip sa window kaso wala akong makita at wala akong marinig. In the end, I went back inside of the house and kicked the door really hard when I found the house owner doing something "EEEW!"

(OKAY. RATED SPG. AND DI KO KINAYA)

Lemme say what I actually said in my dream, PUTANGINA! Well, I rarely curse someone, but that was really something I can't handle anymore. Dahil sa sobrang hiya nung house owner (tangina, di pa sya nahiya!), pumasok sya ng CR para ayusin sarili nya. Ayos-ayusin nya naman sarili nya, pati utak nya!!!

So ayun, balik sakin ang eksena. Nagsusumigaw na ko sa loob ng room na yun tapos andami kong pinagsasabi. Yung ibang sinabi ko, di ko na maalala though yung iba naaalala ko pa. Wanna know what I said? Secret. Charot. Malamang umiiyak ako sabay sabi ng mga walang hiya yung lechugas na house owner na yun and chuchuchu. Tapos eto naman ako kay "friend" na kawawang kawawa. Aaaand, parang sinabi ko na rin na betchikels ko si friendlaloo.

Honestly, di ko ineexpect na ganun magiging dream ko. Nakakaloka lang yung subconscious mind ko, ang weird lang talaga. Feeling ko, kaya ko napanaginipan si friendlaloo bilang napag-usapan namin sya ni BFF last Saturday. Yun siguro yun. Although medyo may guest appearance din tong si friendlaloo sa mga past dreams ko, medyo disturbing lang yung panaginip ko kanina.

Pero kidding aside, I know there's a deeper meaning kung bakit napapanaginipan natin yung mga tao. Maybe we're denying that we're thinking about them but in reality, deep in our hypothalamus, it will always be them who we're thinking about. I know it's not right or wrong to think about him, we're friends, right. Pero disturbing lang kasi yung pagdadrama ko dun sa last part, parang it says that I still like the person.

I think it's not bad to still like a person. Well, we all like a certain person, it might be a friend or not. Pano mo ba magiging friend yung isang tao kung hindi mo bet maging friend, diba? Haha, I think may point naman yung argument ko, right? I may still like a friend, but let's just leave it for being as a friend alone.

Sometimes, natatawa ako when my other friends tells me to "move on." And I'm questioning myself, "Ano ba ipagmu-move on ko?" So babalikan ko uli yung pinaglalaban ko lagi na, it's not wrong to like someone, then tell it straightly to him that you like him BUT you're not asking him to like you back, or to love you. So liking someone without assuming or exxpecting something in return isn't really bad. Aaand, it won't hurt that much. Trust me.

There are some times that I felt that I already lost my pride for doing that, but hey, I didn't lost anything. I still have my old self, my friend, our friendship, that's all. And, I also wanted to say that there's no romance that happened between the two of us. Maybe that's why other people needs to "move on" because they we're used to have romantic ties, and dahil nasanay na sila sa ganun, kapag nawala na yung romance eh kelangan naman nilang kalimutan yung mga nakasanayan nila. Well, same goes dun sa mga umasa, pinaasa, landian, MU kunwari or kahit ano pa man. Asus, pinagdaanan ko na rin yang MU "kuno" (not related with the friendlaloo person here) and at first ang hirap,  kasi nakasanayan mo na may nagke-care sayo (kahit thru text lang. WTH!). Ah basta, parang ganun na rin yun no. Siguro sa parteng yun, applicable ang pagmu-move on diba?

So if ever there will be other people who will soon tell me to "move on" (again), I think walang point yung pagmu-move on, kasi wala naman talaga :)

-----
Sa sobrang freestyle ng blog entry ko na to, nailabas ko na naman mga ibang hanash ko. :D Sige lang guys, malay nyo may ma-realize din kayo sa mga ka-hanash-an ko :)

Looking back and forth

Another night of reminiscing past memories. :D

Actually, nagsimula lang to nung nahanap ko yung 2011 planner and memo block ko. Tawang-tawa ako sa mga nasulat ko dun. Di ko maimagine yung mga iniisip ko nun. Parang desidido na ko mag-jowa nun ha! (Good thing di ko pinush! Di ko maimagine buhay ko ngayon kung nagka-jowa ako! My goodness!)

After that, nakita ko naman sa drawer ko yung Nokia expressmusic phone ko. The last time na ginamit ko yun eh nung March pa (nung ninakaw yung BB Curve ko). Pero matagal-tagal ko ring ginamit yung Nokia ko nung 4th yr. From July to December ko ginamit yung Nokia phone ko alongside my BB Curve (na Smart yung sim).

Since gumana na yung phone ko, naisipan kong magbasa ng texts. Well, di ko na naisipang basahin yung 2011 texts ko bilang walang kwenta lang naman yung mga naiwang texts dun, puro si Joshua lang :D Nung sa 2012 naman, puro haggard days ko, tapos mga GM ng Mayor namin, plus editors and Sporthos na puro tungkol sa covers. Sa lahat ng texts na nandun, andami kong tawa sa mga chikahan namin ni JH lalo na yung usapang PBA at Chris Tiu. Kainis, kinokontra ako sa pagfa-fangirl ko kay Chris (pati kay Terrence!). Haha. Pero mas madalas pala naming pagkwentuhan nun yung acads. Hoho. Acads forevs! 

Feeling ko tuloy ang petiks nung buhay ko noong fourth year, kasi kahit na stressed ako, parang hindi ako nagre-reklamo. Actually, tuwang-tuwa pa ko nagkkwento about sa duty ko na nagpa-anak ako. HAHAHA. Isipin mo, yung katext ko eh matutulog na, ako eh nagsisimula pa lang araw ko (bilang graveyard duty ako). Tapos sa umaga pag-uwi ko, magkkwento ako about sa duty, yung kausap ko naman papasok na ng school. :D

-----

Habang nanunuod ako ng TV kanina, sabi nila eh 20,000 words yung average na sinasabi ng mga babae. Kung sa iba eh 20K, kamusta naman kaya sakin? Tapos naging aware tuloy ako sa words na sinasabi ko. Since ilang araw na akong walang kausap sa bahay, ilang words lang kaya nasasabi ko? HAHAHA. Sa araw na to, i dont think kung naka-1000 words ako. :D

What about now

It frustrates me so much that I've been so unproductive after I took the boards. I could've worked already after that, or went home to take care of Lola and some family matters. Gahd, I never expected my life could be this oh-so boring.

Just moments ago, I saw a picture of my classmate's visa in FB (Tomorrow's her first int'l flight. Well yeah, a nurse who happened to choose being a flight crew than working in a hospital). Not that I feel envy or what, I just thought that most of my classmates are working or should I say earning already, yet I was like a polar bear still hibernating in my comfort zone, or maybe a turtle feeling lazy to get out of its shell. Yeah, that's what I'm feeling right now (aside from "other" feelings).

Well, I've been bombarded with a lot of problems last week. I had to deal with some dilemmas that could make or break something (I'm telling you, it's a SERIOUS matter. Much serious than my relatives asking me if I have a boyfriend already). Good thing I have a supportive family who backs me up whatever happens, and gives sound advice.

Dealing with problems should not be  faced with a crumpled-like face, I think it's much better if you'll take a deep deep breath (that would even balloon your lungs until your bronchioles explode. LOL) then flash a bright smile. Not that you're being "plastic" with yourself, but it's the best way to start with.

During the series of problems, I was in Bicol with my cousins. Good thing I was in a place where I could breathe fresh air that will help me think much better, than here in Manila where I could take polluted air that will soon shrink my corrupted brain. Going back to Manila alone (bus ride) was a challenge because it was my first time. I don't have anyone to talk to when I feel bored or what. I happened to sit with a woman (in her late 20's or early 30's). At first, I'm not comfortable sitting with someone, especially when I'm alone (so call me selfish then).

Since I can't sleep during the trip, I stayed awake thinking about random things, and reminiscing those Bicol trips I had with Nanay when I was young. Twas kinda cool that I still remember some places we passed by before. While we're entering Lopez, Quezon, we heard a loud kablaam at the back part of the bus. I felt nervous at first, because hello?? Turned out that the rubber something of the back wheel exploded/bursted/shrinked (whatever). Good thing we're not running that fast, so an impending accident didn't happened. And because of that incident, my seatmate and I started to talk about what happened and talked about a lot of things like a long-lost friends.

During the latter part of the trip, it was me who talked and shared a lot of things about family and how I grew up. And after that very long conversation, I realized how lucky and blessed I am as a kid, as a person, and as a part of my family. Well despite of the problems I had days before, I was able to pass through it. I think that my real blessings are not money or anything, it was the people around me who made me like this. I'm blessed with a very supportive family and a good crop of friends. Some people may say that they don't need a lot of friends, but for me "Why limit your number of friends? You'll never know, you might get to know someone who'll make your life different."

I remember during my high school senior days when Lola told me not to make friends when I get to study in Manila. Actually, I cried hard that time because I feel like they're cutting some of my body parts. I talked to Lola on that very same day and told her what I feel and explained everything, and why she shouldn't control or limit me when it comes to choosing friends, or who to be with. And now, Lola's very happy that I found a lot of friends that helped me survive in the jungle of Manila. Like I found brothers and sisters, good friends, cheerers, etc. Those people who helped me in my studies, problems, and even during the haggard-est days of my life, the board review.

Having or picking good friends isn't as easy as ABC, sometimes there will be people who will hurt you soon. But wanna know my secret? I actually prayed for it (really hard). It's hard to pick a person and then ask God if he will be a good friend or not, so why not pray for it before you happen to know someone? I also did the same thing before entering high school. Instead of contemplating at the end part, why not pray for it before it started?

Last Friday, I had another dilemma that made me feel like I'm torn between someone I really love and my own future. Since I can't find someone to talk to, I just slept early and prayed that I'll be able to think better the next day. And the next day, the solution came as fast as a text message! Mommy and tita called me up to discuss something and then adviced me on what to do. Baam! Solved problem! :)

I'll probably go back to Palawan (after 2 years!) this week or next, to take care of Lola. Since I'm already a nurse, it's about time to take care of her and give back. She sacrificed a lot for me since I was young, so now that she's old, it's my duty to do the same for her. Then maybe after a month, I'll come back here in Manila and find a job :)

Actually, Lola's encouraging me to move back to Palawan. But I can't. So Mommy told me to spend a month there and go back to Manila to finally look for a job. It's kinda hard to move back to province when you're already used to live in the city. It somewhat makes me feel like I'm regressing. I know Lola will understand. :)

NEXT MONTH, I'll be looking for a SERIOUS JOB. I SWEAAAAR!

Point blank

(another random post with a very nonsense title)

Since I was looking for some photos I missed to upload last time, I decided to check all folders in my hard drive. But at one point, I came across a picture taken with a friend last year. After I was fascinated how healthy I looked like a year ago, it was then I realized that it was a rare photo I had with that person. After staring at it by more than 5 seconds, I abruptly said to myself, "Bagay nga pala talaga kami." Hahahaha.

Well, that person was frequently mentioned here in my blog, just check for my tags. Hoho. Any, I admit that we look good together (yeah, we look good together because we have the same height and almost close skin complexion) but we're really friends. Actually, baka friends to the superlative form pa yata dapat, mga more than friends, ganun. :D

Hahaha, okaay, I know it's really a very lame realization or whatever. But everything that I saw in my hard drive really put a smile on my face. Gahd, time runs so fast. And at least, I had some photos when I still look healthy, blooming, haggard, sleepless, etc. :D

Okay, good night :D