Confused Part 1

I've never been so confused about my feelings in my entire life. I mean, I never encountered any problems that involves guys who likes me, rather I'm the one who likes them instead.

Basically, I actually kinda dated 2 guys at the same time few weeks ago. There's this same-aged British guy whom I went out on a date, but ghosted me for a week, and then called me back when he was sick. The next day, he told me that he's not comfortable seeing me anymore. Then, he listed his "reasons" why, and it baffled me that all of it was because of the day before that. He told me that I was childish and clingy. I accept the childish part, but clingy? Hello gentleman, I think it's you who's clingy between us tho? Anyway, as the Lhea that I am, I just wholly accepted what he said and let him go. Sadly, I was just starting to like him. Alexa! Play Best Thing I Never Had by Beyonce!!

Three days before the thing with the Brit guy, me and this younger Polish guy I once dated before and turned down because I see him as a lil brother that I want to take care, met again in the same park from last winter. We talked and I offered friendship once again and he rejected me. The guy literally likes me and I felt so bad that it's been months but he still felt the same. I gave him (and myself, too) a chance to meet often and get to know each other. I can see how happy he was. And honestly, we connect on a mental level. We're both deep thinkers, but after texting the next day, I realized that we have different POV in life. Since I'm busy with work, I didn't get to text him often, and at the same time I don't want to be a part of his system as well. I thought really hard if this is going to make me happy: giving myself a chance to get to know someone, and possibly having a relationship; but I guess this is not me and for me. Everything took a toll on my peace of mind actually, and when I talked to the guy again, he doesn't seem as excited as before (probably because I never contacted him for 3 days). And that's when I decided to ghost him: block him on my phone and on SNS.

Since then, I felt a lot more at peace and true to myself. I'd rather stay on my own lane, than try those things again. As what I always say, I'd always choose someone I like than the other way around. I'd rather be hurt because of it, rather than hurting another person and hurting myself at the same time. I'm happy being with my crush, and that's what matters for me rn. Things might not turn out the way I want to, but this is where I feel happy, secured, and understood. :)

Comeback post

So yeah, I've been away from blogging here for quite long and I've been enjoying my life in London so far, especially that I now have friends who go out with me :)

Quick update!
I passed my OSCEs already, felt new and learning things (still!) all over again, and inproving my skills day by day. I got stressed as well due to my packed schedule and dreaded for a break since February but I can't. I had breakouts on my forehead and that added to my work stress as well. I went through rough mood swings for 2 weeks, and was so emotional during that. But yeah, I survived!!

The real deal
So here ya go. I have a crush on someone since February and we just met 2 weeks ago. He had no clue who I was but he accepted my IG following then, but had to unfollow him and then added him up again. Lol.

We met again this weekend, had few drinks with friend, and went out with them the next day. To cut things short, I like the guy's personality. While on my part, I feel like I did a lot of dumb things, but honestly, it was just me. Wafakels if he got turned off (I'm used to that, you know!) from my madaldal self (esp when I was drunk) or how annoying I am at times (hahaha, reminds me of how I used to ask A if he finds me annoying).

My friends are doing a lot of work for me and I'm so grateful for that, but they can only do so much. At the end of the day, it's still me who has to do the entire chunk of stuff. I feel like I was rushing myself to be liked by him as I am doing this entry, maybe because I am afraid of being delegated to the pits of friendzone again. Lol. But yeah, I should've just laid the friendship foundation first, rather than jump to those subtle banats and open arms. Hahaha. I dunno. I'm just worried since I won't get to see him in 2 weeks (or prolly longer than that, or not at all because of my dumb self).

As much as I want to maintain our communications, I feel like it'll be hard to do. I mean, I have my pride and he prolly knows that I like him a lot, so I want to regain my pride and refrain from talking to him. Sorry, this is just me.

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There ya go, I just want to express myself here again. I'm being weird again. K.

To my BRAVE self

http://www.candymag.com/all-access/here-s-to-all-the-girls-who-had-the-courage-to-say-how-they-really-feel-a201-20170220

This article brought me back to that day that I confessed to my guy friend. It wasn't "love" that I confessed but rather my "liking" for him and for being true to myself. Bruh, it wasn't easy. My confession took a lot of time of thinking when to confess, how, where, and if he already knows that I like him or not. It wasn't peer pressure, but letting off some emotional pressure on myself before I embark to a journey towards my dream. I humbly received the rejection and I'm happy that I got my message clear accross.

Looking back, I did regretted a bit and thought of what ifs. But now, I dont regret my choice and the confession I made is considered as my personal badge for being BRAVE. Even if I confessed or not, we will surely grow apart due to time and space (location?) but the friendship and the times spent with each other will always be a valuable part of our lives.

I'm happy that I made a bold move at a young age but mature enough to let that season pass me by. A month to go and it's already been four years since I've done it. Ah, the good times, I guess :)

2.0

Sorry kung hindi organized tong post ko. Di lang talaga maayos ang diwa ko.

Siguro isa sa mga weakness ko eh yung pinapakita kong di ako apektado kahit na apektado talaga ako. To some, sign of strength yun, pero sakin hindi. Ewan ko ba, I easily get hurt. Feeling ko tuloy balat sibuyas ako pero tina-try ko maging balat-bayawak.

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Two days na  akong absent sa review. Seriously, tamad na tamad na tamad na ako, pero takot naman ako bumagsak. Ano na Lhea? gusto mong maging topnotcher pero anong ginagawa mo? Gusto ko na magpahinga, feeling ko pagod na pagod na ko. Gusto ko munang lumayo sa Manila, lumayo sa social networking sites at mamuhay uli gaya ng dati.

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Aminado akong inggit na inggit sa mga high school classmates ko na may jowa na ngayon. Pero wala tayong magagawa eh, aral muna bago ang lahat. Tapos eto na naman yung rule na bawal mag-jowa hanggat wala pang work. Why so harsh? Hay, since mabait akong bata, all I have to do is to follow orders. Well, medyo partly nanghihinayang ako. Andami kong tinanggihan (taray! marami!) dahil sa isang personal reason maliban sa studies ko. Di rin ako nagsisi na tumanggi ako dahil sa studies, pero yung sa isa pang personal reason, medyo mali lang talaga. Hindi kasi tama na ireserve mo yung sarili mo para sa iba. In that way, nagiging selfish ka lang,

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Very wrong lang na may nami-miss ako ngayon. Ewan ko kung bakit ganun. Ilang beses ko na sya naiisip mula kahapon. Siguro dahil sa alam kong maiintindihan nya ko kasi nung mga panahong feeling ko eh down ako, isa sya sa mga umintindi at nakinig sakin. Gusto ko lang batiin si "motivation", hello there! I miss you (tapos sasabihan mo kong malandi. Bwiset!). 

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When awkwardness strikes

Kung kelan matutulog na ko, dun na naman ako nagka-urge mag-blog. Anyway, fast post lang kasi ayokong ma-BV til tomorrow and I still have a lot of work to do.

I hate myself for having this awkward feeling sa taong super dalas ko kasama. Well, he already knows about "it", so since kanina yung 1st time na nagkita kami ngayong pasukan, nagaganap na naman yung peg ko nung November na "walang-pansinan-kasi-wala-naman-akong-sasabihin" or yung "so-ano-naman-kung-andyan-ka?-so-kelangan-may-sasabihin-ako?". Ayan na naman tayo sa pride or pagiging overthinker ko. HAHA, kaya natalo kami sa Advolympics kasi masyado kaming nag-iisip sa isang petty na bagay. Moving on, pinansin ko lang sya dun sa haircut nya (MADAYA!), tapos after nun, puro indirect convo na.

Feeling ko nagiging scripted na galaw ko. Im too conscious of my actions. Hello? may huhuli ba sakin kung tatawa ako ng malakas? Since di ko na rin gusto yung ganap eh kinausap ko na si Don at inaya ko sya sa quad. Isang factor kaya nagiging awkward ako ay dahil sa pang-aasar nung mga kasamahan ko. It's okay na magloko-loko pero wag naman yung andyan yung tao. Tama si Don na kapag over na, kelangan eh kausapin mo na yung taong concerned para matapos na. Im not comfortable anymore. And besides, since he knows about it, baka may maisip sya. Ugh, im overthinking again! Stop it Lhea.

Pwede pang lumala tong awkwardness sa loob ko since I wont be seen in action sa school for almost 5 days. Asa school lang ako every Wed (free day nya) and Thursday (6pm naman labas nya). So wala talaga akong oras to fix this awkwardness. Ayokong mauwi sa impaired friendship to, pero.... Ugh, ang hirap ikwento dito sa blog eh. BASTA!

Go for it

"Go for it" na siguro ang pinaka-overused na sinasabi sakin ng mga friends ko. Well, pagdating sa lovelife ang kaso.

So this blog knows everything when it comes to my love-este-crush life. Yeah, I actually like someone from my org, and you guys already know who he is. We're actually close buds and we share each others' secrets and other stuffs.

Recently, he posted a status in his Facebook "chemical engineering board exam results <3". So, without any malice, I immediately liked it (though he posted it 9 mins ago before I cliked the "like" button, and no one has yet liked it). Then after few minutes, he deleted it. And by that action, I pondered why he erased it. The next day, yun na lang ang iniisip ko. Andami kong naisip, super dami like.... ah basta, akin na lang yun. I even asked my groupmates about his action and they gave me a lot of scenarios. HAY.

Nung hapon, I was shocked na magccover din pala sya ng Track and Field (na iccover ko rin!). Pagdating dun, I had a chance to ask him about that, pero pa-joke naman. Ang hirap kasi ikwento dito. Pero ayun, he just laughed na parang wala lang. Well, gaya nga ng sabi ni Chelsea, "baka dahil sa may pinagsamahan sila". May ugali kasi ako na pag may sasabihin ako, pinapahulaan ko pa sa kanya. Ang gulo diba? Example: May sasabihin ako sayo. Hulaan mo :) Parang ganun. Kasi kilala naman din nya ako eh. Nung mga nakaraan nga eh, halos wala na akong ikkwento kasi alam na nya. Haha, galing!

Seriously, selosa po ako. HAHAHAHA. Di halata. Kung pwede nga lang bakuran sya, gagawin ko na. Lol. Ang hirap pala pag friend mo yung gusto mo. Oh well, mas nauna ko sya maging crush kesa maging friend. Kaso after team building, mas nanaig yung friendship. Ngayon kasi ang gulo ng utak ko. Pag nagka-gf sya, pwede na mag Dec.21 anytime, handa na ako! LOL.

I know na focus muna sya sa studies nya, and Im happy to hear that. Haha, may sinabi pa sya kaso di pwede i-share. Char. Sorry for acting this way, ganito lang siguro yung feeling ng ga-graduate na tapos wala pang ganap sa lovelife mula pumasok ng FEU. Feeling ko parang end of the world na, NBSB pa rin ako. Pressure ba? LOL.

Lately, nagiging conscious na ako sa mga galaw ko, though gusto kong maging natural lang kasi awkward din yun sa parte ko. Una, isa akong napaka-annoying na tao, madaldal na, maingay pa, tapos magulo at makulit din. Sinong hindi maiinis at maiirita sakin. Minsan kasi ayoko ng taong naka-simangot at tahimik. Feeling ko mahahawa ako sa pagiging lowbat nilang tao. Like yesterday, dumating ako sa venue na tahimik sya tapos nakatingin lang sa kawalan. So ayun, kinukulit ko sya. Ganun lang.

Tsaka ramdam ko, there's something wrong with me. Yung mga galaw ko kasi, lakas makapang-friendzone. yung friendzone na ako yung nangfi-friendzone at ako yung nafi-friendzone kasi very tropa ako gumalaw. parang ganun. Di rin kasi ako malambing eh. Kay Nanay at Lola lang ako ganun. Sa iba, hindi na. :D Siguro, yung masasabi kong lambing eh yung akbay, sandal ulo, tsaka pag-aayos ng bangs nya. HAHAHA. ganun lang. Di rin kasi ako cuddly na tao. Di ako mahilig mang-hug tapos di rin ako malambing magsalita, uhh, minsan malambing din. Depende sa sitwasyon. :)

Ang hirap kasi kumempet sa taong di marunong magreciprocate sayo. Sabi ng mga groupmates ko, kemehin (landiin) ko raw. Eh pasensya kayo day, di ako marunong gumanun. HAHA. Well, poor me ba? Lol. Di kaya. Babaeng torpe po ako gaya ng sinasabi ni Donabels (Don Carlo). HAHAHAHA. Eh ito namang lolo nyo, di ata marunong kumempet! Aba, nagsama na kami. Buti pa malalandi, nakakakahanap ng kasing lalandi nila o naaattract sa malalandi. Eh ako naman ayoko sa mga malalandi eh. :D Moving on, di ko alam kung manhid ba sya o hindi. Well, baka yung friendship namin yung mga-hold back sa kanya. Eh tropa nga kasi kami eh.

Yung iba kong friends, iba naman din advice nila, like "I-feel mo lang muna ang mga moment nyo na ganyan", "Di pa nya alam kung ano gusto nya", "baka di nyo pa time ngayon", "Darating din kayo dyan, hintayin mo lang". Ang tanong, kelan pa? pag gumraduate na ako? Wow, do I sound like desperada sa lovelife? Di naman uy! grabe kayo ha. Ganito lang kasi yung feeling ng magkakahiwalay na kayo ng tao, ilang months na lang eh. Mamimiss ko yung mga times na nagccover kami ng magkasama, magdi-dinner ng magkasabay, chismisan sa byahe, magkasamang naglalakad, magme-merienda sa hepalane or tayuman, magpapasama sa bookstore o sa pag-iikot ng campus. hay, ramdam ko na yung feeling ni Dairen dati.

Basta! Come what may. bahala na si batman! :D

NBSB talks :)

Last night, I was with Dairen, Beatty and Don. Yeah, the so-called NBSB bonding. I really enjoy the company of my fellow NBSB since they usually share their not-so-good experiences with their keme. And as the one who's next in line (ahem, soon to be alum), they also see themselves in me. HAHA. Mega relate?

When it comes to Beatty and Dairen, they have a contrasting personalities. Beatty: fierce artist. Dairen: soft-spoken writer. Beatty always tell me to do like this and like that. Something different. Nuff said. While Dairen will just give you some advices that is different from Beatty. Basta, ganun yun!

Since I got to bond with Beatty once every week, last night was the time to share some of my "keme stories" with Dairen. She knows who's the person concerned. Ayun, I learned a lot from her past experiences. Of course relate ako kasi nga NBSB kami. But Im happy that I got to listen from their stories. Sabi nga ni Dairen "I dont want you to learn the hard way". :3

Tapos ako naman, andami kong kwento kay Sib Dairen about kay JH. Well, iba naman din kasi talaga kami nina Sib and her keme. Tropang-tropa lang talaga kami ni Ji Hoo. Kaya may malisya kasi gusto ko sya, and madalas kami magkasama (pero pag kami ni Don magkasama, super waley! HAHA). Sabi nga ni Sib "kaya kayo laging magkasama or nagkkwento sya kasi comfortable na sya sayo" (which I think is soo true). Yes, we talk about our past kemes and related stuffs, pero kwentuhang just for fun and entertainment lang. Ako lang kasi talaga may hanash magkwento haluan mo pa ng nursing brutality and jargons ko :)

JH: Hoping ka pa ba?
Me; Noooo. Paki-stab to death nga yung bwisit na yun sa Tuesday!

Another quotable quote from Dairen. "Sabi ko kay June Ace, ieeenjoy ko na lang to kasi graduating na ako. kaso ayun..."

HAHAHA. Since malapit na ako sa finish line, i was thinking kung sasabihin ko ba kay JH na bet ko sya o hindi? Well, sabi nung ibang friends ko, alam na raw nya (feel lang nila). Eh baka kasi mas tumagilid pa pag nagsalita ako. I'll just let destiny do its magic. tsaka ayoko paka-stress, ineenjoy ko na lang tong last sem ko :) Gusto kong gawing memorable to :)

@Sib: Thanks sa pagpapatuloy sakin. Sorry di kita pinatulog sa sobrang daldal mo. Feeling ko talaga eh mababawasan na ang circle natin, marami ng nagmamahal. HAHAHA. Last man standing kaya ako sating lahat? Wag naman! :))

Usapang K

K is for keme, kempet, kemps, etc. --Keri na? At yan ang ieeexpect mo sa blog kong ito.

SRSLY, matagal na akong walang kempet. Siguro ang pinakahuling matinong kempet ko eh si Joshua pa, pero that was like ages ago na. HAHA. After him, mga dumaang kempet lang na nagpapalipad hangin. Tapos may isa pa na nagse-seryoso na talaga kaso sorry, di ko sya bet eh, "the girl who cant be moved' pa ang peg ko nun.

Moving on, dalawang kempet lang ang ita-tackle ko dito bilang sila ang pinaka-recent. PAUNAWA: Meron bang attorney o judge dito? Kung wala, okeygopushforit tayo.

First: He's a good friend of mine na matagal ko ng crush. Medyo lumamlam nga lang ang ilaw nya sakin nung nagka-kempet ako at after few days eh nagka-kempet na rin sya. Pero aaminin ko, crush ko pa rin sya. :) Come October at waley na akong kempet nun, gusto ko pa rin sya (di ko pa alam na may kempet sya nun).

I admit, mababaw na pagka-crush lang yun nun kasi nga madalas kami magkasama, in and out of school (okaaay, may idea na kung sino!). Di ko rin maalala kung paano kami nagkasundo ng taong to. The last thing I remember eh yung Welcome Freshmen pa na umabsent ako sa 1st day ko sa Rizal then magkasama kaming nag-iikot sa quadrangle.

Last night, nagbabasa ako ng entries ko ng january, and may napansin ako na usapan namin ni older brother about sa kanya.Kasi itong si older brother, may pinapakiusap sakin na medyo di ako sigurado kasi nahihiya ako. Then umabot pa sa tipong pati posts sa FB eh pinag-uusapan namin and kiber lang ako kasi wala kaming communication.

Come May 2012, HORRAY! He's back! At first he was asking me about something na connected sa kanya. I was really hoping na he would come back until nag-tweet etong si crazy friend tungkol sa pagbabalik nya. So balik dating buhay na naman kami, more bondings and more chikahan.

Everything changed nung early September when our older brother left. Parang that prompted him to speak and share his own part or story. That was also the first time I saw him crying. And I was like "uyy! wag kang umiyak! di kita pinapaiyak ha!". I think, anlaking part ng traffic nun na makapag-kwento sya ng super tagal.

I admit na madaldal ako pero I dont ask some sensitive questions right away. I respect their privacy. Pero minsanm di mo inaasahan na yung gusto mong malaman, sila na lang magkkwento sayo. Sa part ko, natutuwa ako na they trust me kasi syempre di madaling magkwento diba?

After few more days and weeks, mas napaparami na ng kwento, mas diverse na ang usapan and minsan sya na rin ang nag-oopen ng topic, tsaka yung mga bagay na bigla nyang maaalala. Honestly, I still act normal around him pero pag wala sya and friends ko lang kasama ko, mukha akong may epilepsy :D

Nitong last week na lang ng October medyo nagka-something. Di naman sya something na may quotations, pero iba lang kasi. Medyo di ko iniisip, not until the "cuddle time" thing came tapos yung sa Batangas pa! HAHA. Recently, sinamahan ko sya sa institute namin para mag-enrol sa isang subject nya. Habang nasa pila, kinwento nya sakin yung hardships nya, makuha lang ang subject na yun. Final na yung IN kasi punuan sa ITHM, kung san pumila sya from AM to PM tapos waley ganap. Nagshare din sya kung paano nya pinaglaban yung subject na yun sa parents nya. Clap clap lang talaga reaction ko. I know na he's doing his best para ma-achieve yung goal nya and alam kong kaya nya yun.

Complete package na sya eh, matalino, mabait, kwela, masipag, dedicated sa ginagawa nya, goal-oriented, talented, and marunong makisama. Isa lang ang medyo di ko bet-- maaga sya matulog. :P 12am tulog nya, ako naman 1am! Pero ayun, I like him as a friend. I really treasure him as one of my closest guy friends na comfortable akong magkwento ng mga ganap and hanash ko sa buhay. :)

Second: isang tao na kapangalan ni former kempet! hahaha, SMALL WORLD. It all started with BBM, and then yung simpleng banat and the rest is... nevermind. Balak ko talaga syang i-basted agad, kaso iniisip ko, sayang tsaka para may makausap din ako paminsan-minsan. Nung una, di talaga ako comfortable kasi bumabaliktad sikmura ko kapag magkausap kami sa bbm. EK! Ganun talaga!

Tapos nung medyo pumo-porma na sya ng "lhea ko", mas di ako naging comfortable. Natutuwa ako sa mga korning bagay, pero meron ding hindi. Sorry, masstereotype ko sya as someone na "player" kaya ayoko ring makipagclose masyado. Though I know he would be a good friend.

Sabi ko nga, imposible namang magka-gusto ako sa kanya kasi may gusto naman akong iba eh. Pero kapag naging something to, baka maungusan pa nya yung isa. HAHA. Which is ayokong mangyari.

Comment: Okey naman sya, keri lang. I cant comment more on him kasi di ko pa sya ganun ka-kilala. and di naman kasi sya nagpapakilala eh. Yung ayoko sa kanya, mabagal magreply, tapos binabasa lang bbm ko ng wlang reply. honestly, ayoko ng lame na kausap (lame sya). HAHA. Ayun!

---YES? May duty pa ako later tapos nagbblog pa ako then ka-BBM ko si Cindy then katext ko naman kanina si Ji Hoo. HAHA. Si Ji Hoo na maaga matulog (cant blame him though, he needs rest).

Good night! Sorry sa isang napaka-walang kwentang entry! Di ko pa masulatan yung diary ko kasi di ko pa tapos yung salaysay ko dun about sa October 12 na ganap ko :)