Confused Part 1

I've never been so confused about my feelings in my entire life. I mean, I never encountered any problems that involves guys who likes me, rather I'm the one who likes them instead.

Basically, I actually kinda dated 2 guys at the same time few weeks ago. There's this same-aged British guy whom I went out on a date, but ghosted me for a week, and then called me back when he was sick. The next day, he told me that he's not comfortable seeing me anymore. Then, he listed his "reasons" why, and it baffled me that all of it was because of the day before that. He told me that I was childish and clingy. I accept the childish part, but clingy? Hello gentleman, I think it's you who's clingy between us tho? Anyway, as the Lhea that I am, I just wholly accepted what he said and let him go. Sadly, I was just starting to like him. Alexa! Play Best Thing I Never Had by Beyonce!!

Three days before the thing with the Brit guy, me and this younger Polish guy I once dated before and turned down because I see him as a lil brother that I want to take care, met again in the same park from last winter. We talked and I offered friendship once again and he rejected me. The guy literally likes me and I felt so bad that it's been months but he still felt the same. I gave him (and myself, too) a chance to meet often and get to know each other. I can see how happy he was. And honestly, we connect on a mental level. We're both deep thinkers, but after texting the next day, I realized that we have different POV in life. Since I'm busy with work, I didn't get to text him often, and at the same time I don't want to be a part of his system as well. I thought really hard if this is going to make me happy: giving myself a chance to get to know someone, and possibly having a relationship; but I guess this is not me and for me. Everything took a toll on my peace of mind actually, and when I talked to the guy again, he doesn't seem as excited as before (probably because I never contacted him for 3 days). And that's when I decided to ghost him: block him on my phone and on SNS.

Since then, I felt a lot more at peace and true to myself. I'd rather stay on my own lane, than try those things again. As what I always say, I'd always choose someone I like than the other way around. I'd rather be hurt because of it, rather than hurting another person and hurting myself at the same time. I'm happy being with my crush, and that's what matters for me rn. Things might not turn out the way I want to, but this is where I feel happy, secured, and understood. :)