Confused Part 1

I've never been so confused about my feelings in my entire life. I mean, I never encountered any problems that involves guys who likes me, rather I'm the one who likes them instead.

Basically, I actually kinda dated 2 guys at the same time few weeks ago. There's this same-aged British guy whom I went out on a date, but ghosted me for a week, and then called me back when he was sick. The next day, he told me that he's not comfortable seeing me anymore. Then, he listed his "reasons" why, and it baffled me that all of it was because of the day before that. He told me that I was childish and clingy. I accept the childish part, but clingy? Hello gentleman, I think it's you who's clingy between us tho? Anyway, as the Lhea that I am, I just wholly accepted what he said and let him go. Sadly, I was just starting to like him. Alexa! Play Best Thing I Never Had by Beyonce!!

Three days before the thing with the Brit guy, me and this younger Polish guy I once dated before and turned down because I see him as a lil brother that I want to take care, met again in the same park from last winter. We talked and I offered friendship once again and he rejected me. The guy literally likes me and I felt so bad that it's been months but he still felt the same. I gave him (and myself, too) a chance to meet often and get to know each other. I can see how happy he was. And honestly, we connect on a mental level. We're both deep thinkers, but after texting the next day, I realized that we have different POV in life. Since I'm busy with work, I didn't get to text him often, and at the same time I don't want to be a part of his system as well. I thought really hard if this is going to make me happy: giving myself a chance to get to know someone, and possibly having a relationship; but I guess this is not me and for me. Everything took a toll on my peace of mind actually, and when I talked to the guy again, he doesn't seem as excited as before (probably because I never contacted him for 3 days). And that's when I decided to ghost him: block him on my phone and on SNS.

Since then, I felt a lot more at peace and true to myself. I'd rather stay on my own lane, than try those things again. As what I always say, I'd always choose someone I like than the other way around. I'd rather be hurt because of it, rather than hurting another person and hurting myself at the same time. I'm happy being with my crush, and that's what matters for me rn. Things might not turn out the way I want to, but this is where I feel happy, secured, and understood. :)

Comeback post

So yeah, I've been away from blogging here for quite long and I've been enjoying my life in London so far, especially that I now have friends who go out with me :)

Quick update!
I passed my OSCEs already, felt new and learning things (still!) all over again, and inproving my skills day by day. I got stressed as well due to my packed schedule and dreaded for a break since February but I can't. I had breakouts on my forehead and that added to my work stress as well. I went through rough mood swings for 2 weeks, and was so emotional during that. But yeah, I survived!!

The real deal
So here ya go. I have a crush on someone since February and we just met 2 weeks ago. He had no clue who I was but he accepted my IG following then, but had to unfollow him and then added him up again. Lol.

We met again this weekend, had few drinks with friend, and went out with them the next day. To cut things short, I like the guy's personality. While on my part, I feel like I did a lot of dumb things, but honestly, it was just me. Wafakels if he got turned off (I'm used to that, you know!) from my madaldal self (esp when I was drunk) or how annoying I am at times (hahaha, reminds me of how I used to ask A if he finds me annoying).

My friends are doing a lot of work for me and I'm so grateful for that, but they can only do so much. At the end of the day, it's still me who has to do the entire chunk of stuff. I feel like I was rushing myself to be liked by him as I am doing this entry, maybe because I am afraid of being delegated to the pits of friendzone again. Lol. But yeah, I should've just laid the friendship foundation first, rather than jump to those subtle banats and open arms. Hahaha. I dunno. I'm just worried since I won't get to see him in 2 weeks (or prolly longer than that, or not at all because of my dumb self).

As much as I want to maintain our communications, I feel like it'll be hard to do. I mean, I have my pride and he prolly knows that I like him a lot, so I want to regain my pride and refrain from talking to him. Sorry, this is just me.

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There ya go, I just want to express myself here again. I'm being weird again. K.

Worrying

 Honestly, I've always been so conflicted in my life that I can't even get used to it.

I want to work for the mean time so that I wont depend too much on papa, but I feel like I should just focus on my review since it was the reason why I left my work.

I want to stay here in my current dorm, but my contract will end this July. I'm planning to move with my former workmates but I think I will annoy them or I will be annoyed when I won't get to have my me time and choose to stay in my bed and sleep. 

1 month to go before my 4th and hopefully the super last IELTS exam. So help me God! I'm actually dying of worrying about my other exams like CBT and OSCE. Huhu

That's all. Kbye

Waiting

You don't challenge me to a waiting game because I can patiently wait, how long it will take. :D

Huhu, but it's different now because I'm dying to see that holy email from those hospitals that I applied. I keep on checking my mail everyday, hoping that someone would contact me about those job-related thingy but looks like I'm hopeless.

I called one of the first hospitals I applied to ask when will be the start of their Batch 1 training and the training officer answered that it will be on February 17. But, a trainee will be included if he/she received an email from him. Uhh, actually I haven't received any email from him regarding this month's training. I dunno whether I'll be happy or not since I prefer those hospitals which are near to my place. Any, that hospital was actually my first choice but... Haha, I can't tell why.

Another thing is, there's also a hospital that is 2 rides away from my place and their training will start by next month. I heard that not all their trainees are being absorbed, but I think I should still try. Malay mo diba? Any, I'll be finishing all my applications this week so that I will have a peaceful vacation this weekend with my cousins. Hundred Islands adventure, yaaaay!

Since I'm a bit frustrated with my current state, my tita told me that maybe my birthday gift will be the job I've been waiting for.


Christelle and Justine: Pati sa trabaho, pinaghihintay ka pa rin?



Hay. Buhay abanger (sa trabaho).

Perks on being an only child

And if you happen to be the only child in the family, you're the luckiest man on Earth. Seriously speaking, yes, you are.

I must say that I'm lucky to be the only child of my parents, even though my dad really wanted a baby boy, but sorry, there must be problem when your chromosome handed a Y instead of an X. Well, genetically speaking. So, here I am, a full-grown lady who just had graduated with a bachelor's degree. After I was born, my parents are still planning to have another baby, even though Mama was already 33 when she had me, while Papa was 35 at that time. Sorry, but my parents really enjoyed their single lives that they planned to marry at the age of 31 and 33, respectively. To continue this very long story of mine, my mom died when I was 2 years old, so having a baby brother wasn't materialized.

These perks started when I was brought my grandparents after my mom's death since no one will take care of me and Papa's working abroad for our living. Knowing Filipino grandparents, they will literally spoil you in a lot of things: toys, books, foods, clothes, everything! Aside from that, Mommy (my mama's elder and only sister), always sends me some Barbie dolls, new clothes, shoes, and books. I really loved reading books way back then. :)

So, having everything you wanted was the best thing in life, of course. But not everyone has this so-called "perfect" life. I was regularly hospitalized before due to my asthma then later ruled out to be a heart problem (not that "heart" problem when you were dumped by your crush for two years!). Hospital was like my second home, and a ship as my third home since I'm always sick and I was regularly brought to Puerto Princesa to have my regular check up. Think about the sacrifices by Lola and Lolo but most especially Nanay who took care of me and helped me live for almost 2 decades.

Whenever my friends or classmates tells me "Ang hirap maging only child kasi ikaw lagi yung nakikita pag may mali," I tend to laugh it off cause I never experienced that in my entire life. Aside from those kiddie stuff or should I say my early pasaway days, I never had any serious problem (especially teenage, relationship, or family-related) with Lola and Nanay. Why? Because we knew each other very well, and they don't blame me for things that I'm not even connected. And I'm even proud to say that I didn't caused headaches to them even in college. Another thing that makes our bond stronger, it's because they trust me very well and all they have to do is just to remind me, and support me in anything that I want. Besides, they're confident that they raised and cultivated me well, that I will not stray my path.

When it comes to attention, I have the attention that I want even I don't ask them. Haha. In our family, I was tagged as  the Pambansang Apo, which means that I'm the apple of the eye of my grandparents. But I can't blame them because I grew up with them. Then, I'm the only child among my 8 cousins in my mother side and 23 in my father side, so I'm always the special kid. Even in my paternal side, they always treat me like a princess. In terms of attention and love, I never lacked it in my whole life. Everyone's love and attention are overflowing.

But do you know the disadvantage? You don't have brothers or sisters to play with. I longed for brothers and sisters when I was 4-7 years old because I always see our neighbors playing with their siblings, or attend the mass with them. While I, the solo kid, feels like a sore loser when I don't have a Kuya or Ate to call when I feel alone. Come early teenage days, I wanted to have a tough brother who will defend me or will be my knight-in-shining armor if there will be someone who will try to hurt me, and a kikay sister who will curl my hair or dress me up. I always dreamed of having those people in my life

I know that God has a plan for me, and he gave me friends who were eventually became my siblings. I had different kinds of brothers, a "simpatikong" younger brother whom I treat as an older brother, a brother who's really fond of shopping, a very serious brother, a brother whose laugh will be a very good wake-up call, etc. And I also have a sister who's experiences were the same as mine, a sister who loves to dress me up, and scolds me whenever I skip classes, a sister who's so cute (she claimed it!), and a tough sister. Yes, I found all of them, and I lost count on them already. Haha. They might not be my siblings by blood, I still consider them as my true siblings.

And to end this post, lemme greet my dad a Happy Fathers Day. As of this post, I dunno where's Papa right now since I can't contact him through his phone. Or he's just planning for a surprise today. I dunno! Any, it's your day, Dad! Enjoy!

Mild anxiety

Sabi nga ni Mark Dagli (my former classmate), okey lang magka-mild anxiety dahil healthy ito sa panahon ngayon. Well actually, parang gusto ko pa pindutin ang panic button dahil 21 days na lang at NLE na. Honestly, hindi pa ako ganun ka-ready sa NLE. I know my reviewers are all good and I learned a lot from them, but iba pa rin pag ikaw na mismo sa sarili mo. These past few days, my anxiety was pretty relieved when I visited Nanay's grave. It was nice to share my thoughts and feelings to her kahit na nakikita naman nya ako at nababasa nya kung ano naiisip ko. 

I wanna scold myself again for skipping my class earlier. Di ko kinaya magising dahil antok na antok ako sa kaka-self review. Siguro ganun talaga, sa lahat ng ginagawa mo, may mga bagay kang kelangang sina-sacrifice. Even though di ako pumasok, I still made my day a productive one. Yeah, productive dahil nagreview naman ako mag-isa. I reviewed some of my MedSurg concepts and answered some sample questions. Now, I just finished anwering a pre-board preparation exam and unluckily, I failed. I know that disappointments will come my way to tear me down, but no, I won't let it ruin my dream! I still have few more days to go to study and make things "perfect." As far as I observed, di naman ako totally bobey sa ilang questions eh, medyo nagkakamali lang ako dahil sa clinical judgments ko. Yes, we need to stick and follow a certain judgment para maging tama ang sagot namin. Di pwedeng eto-yung-gusto-ko judgment, dapat may clinical basis.

I really envy my classmates who have their study buddies. Iba pa rin kasi yung may kasama ka mag-review kasi may nakaka-share ka ng knowledge and insights. And I pity myself for being a loner dahil nagso-solo ako sa mga bagay na may makakasama naman ako. I admit that Im good when it comes to group review, ewan ko ba, napansin ko lang to nung 1st year college pero hindi ko na nagawa after nun. Any, going solo is really a struggle dahil nung una pa lang, di ko alam kung paano ko sisimulan yung mga bagay bagay. Chaos lang talaga. Last week, I asked my classmate na kung pwede kaming mag-review sa apartment nya since solo lang sya. She agreed pero nung huli, waley na. One reason why I wanted her to be my review buddy because her notes are all complete (and since I skipped a lot of our sessions, I badly need her copies). Hay, feeling ko lang tuloy parusa sakin to dahil andami kong absences. :( Last Wednesday, I asked another classmate of mine to get me some copies of MedSurg since I will be going somewhere and she agreed. Then yesterday, I asker her about those copies and told me that she forgot to get some extra copies for me. I really felt bad, parang wala na ata akong maaasahan. But then again, I blamed myself because it's still my fault anyway. Umasa ako sa isang tao na wala namang pakialam sa classmate nya. Sorry for this pero para sakin naging "selfish" sya in a way na parang wala man lang syang empathy, and kasalanan ko rin kasi iba yung inuna ko. Minsan talaga fail ako pagdating sa decision-making. 

Kahit na medyo may struggle ako sa review, there are still a lot of people who makes me feel loved and empowered. Thanks to my Advo family for cheering me up and for reminding me to "top the board exam." I know it's hard to reach and still impossible as of this moment, but who knows, miracle might just happen in June 2-3 :) Thank you to my ate-slash-classmate who scolds me whenever I skip classes, arrive late in our review, and tweet while taking the exams. Thank you ate for making me feel guilty when you scold me, feeling ko tuloy may nanay ako sa review ;)  Thank you also to a friend of mine na lagi akong pinagsasabihan na nag-cut ng class pag nahuhuli nya ako sa Twitter. Sorry pows. If you happen to read this, 2 days after mo mag-tweet, absent uli ako. Sorry for breaking my promise again.

Lastly, thank you Blogger for being there for me. Actually medyo nahihiya ako kasi naturingan akong writer pero pansin ko lang sa last post ko, sabog na sabog yung diwa ko. And I don't purely write in English. Pero sabi nga ni Dairen sa post nya dati, mas okey pag Filipino kasi mae-express mo talaga yung nararamdaman mo.

I still have a lot of time to review, no need to stress myself. I'll just enjoy answering those questions and nail the board exam. 21 days to go, at kelangan ko ng patunayan na si Future Nurse Lei, magiging Registered Nurse Lei :)

This is for Cindy!

Pa-espesyal ka ha! Okey, binasa ko kasi yung old posts mo, and I got my name mentioned there! HOHO.
Ako yung may "(.....)" ha!

March 20, 2012 (This is sooo tagal na ha!)

To Lhea, ikaw talaga eh. Alam mo yan, from the start ikaw yung gusto ko maging SE sa ating dalawa for the reason you are more experienced, more vocal and the like.  Yung naging OIC ka, you did gave your best and I saw how you wanted our section to change, to beat the deadlines and all. For if it was not because of your schedule, I know you will be able to accomplish it.  But anyway, ikaw pa rin ang takbuhan ko alam mo yan. :)

Okey, after one year, tatapusin ko na po ang issue na 'to. Charot! Hahaha, nasa kadaldalan pala ang pagiging SE. Bat di ako aware? Hihi. Uy ha! Ang hirap maging OIC no! Lalo na ang maging OIC ng isang tao. Mantakin mo yun, ikaw lang ima-manage ko? Ansabi naman na dalawa lang tayong writers nun? Palitan ng covers sa isang araw :D At ang di ko bet sa pagiging OIC eh ang mag-edit, kaya diretso na kay June Ace ang articles natin :)) Tapos naging OIC na naman ako nitong term mo? Hala, favorite nyo talaga ako maging year-ender OIC eh no. Kfine, buti na lang eh maaasahan ang mga bagong Sports kids kaya di ako na-haggard masyado, maliban lang sa iilang sakit-ng-ulo moments, but tapos na yun, na-settle ko na bago ako finally umalis. Hihihi. At ansabe nung takbuhan? Parang nagchichismisan lang tayo na "Kumusta na puso mo?" Ay lechugas na tanong yan! :D Ayun, congrats satin at natapos natin ang year na to with a "BANG!" Uhh, di ko naimagine na magiging ganito tayo ka-dikit, na mas dikit pa nung 2nd year- 1st sem. Haha. Ayan, text-text din ha! :)) Uhh, I love you Cindy!

(I think I also deserve a solo post in your blog too! Any, suggestion lang :)) )

Dot. Dot. Dot.

33 days to go, BOARD EXAM na. Seriously, parang di ko pa kaya mag-exam. Ang hirap pala mag-review! Jusko. Kaso iniisip ko na lang na "Lhea, kung na-survive mo yung 4 years sa Nursing, 2 months na review pa kaya?" Pero yung totoo, parang gusto kong di na muna mag-take, kaso sayang. HELLO! Effort na effort kaya ako mag-ayos ng PRC cases ko tapos mag-file sa PRC! Wow ha.

Eto, seryoso na talaga. Ang hirap eh, as in. Actually gustong-gusto ko talaga sabihin to sa isang tao kaso di ko alam kung kanino ko sya isi-share (Okey, naisip ko na, si Lola!). Unang-una, naiisip ko na baka bumagsak lang ako kasi hindi ako handa. Seryoso, as in hindi talaga. At pangalawa, feeling ko may kulang sakin.

Thank you pala sa mga taong nagmo-motivate sakin mag-aral, mag-review, at i-TOP ang board exam. Kayo na lang talaga ang dahilan kung bakit ko ginagawa to maliban sa parents ko at sa dream ko maging registered nurse. Salamat dahil naniniwala kayo sakin na kaya ko, na matalino ako, at lahat-lahat na.

Kaso isa lang talaga yung gusto ko eh, gusto ko ng magulang sa tabi ko. Yeah, parent. Well, sa lahat ng parent ko, si Papa lang yung malamang na makakasama ko in the coming weeks (well depende pa kung dito sya sa apartment ko magsstay or dun sa Alabang). Pero di eh, ibang magulang yung kelangan ko, si Nanay kasi yun. Gusto ko ng pinipilit ako na mag-review, magising ng maaga (dahil madalas akong absent sa review), at pinapagalitan ako. Siguro yung care and concern talaga yung nami-miss ko, maliban pa dun sa mga paglalambing ni Nanay sakin. Hay, miss ko na talaga sya eh. Every night na lang akong umiiyak kasi nami-miss ko na sya, at kelangan ko sya sa mga panahong ito kaso wala na sya eh. Medyo hindi okey para sakin tong pag-eemote kasi mas made-depress pa ko. Ako na lang mismo sa sarili ko yung nagsasabi na "Wag ka nga magdrama dyan, makakasama lang yan", "Pumasok ka nga!" (Okey, ang drama-drama ko. Very wrong)

Hay. (On the lighter side! Di na ko magdadrama!) Nitong mga nakaraang araw, may isang tao na feeling ko eh "sinapian" ni Nanay. Well, friend ko naman kasi to, so malamang eh mangungumusta sa pagre-review ko. Kaso nung huli eh pinapagalitan na ko. "Di ka nga umiinom, babad ka naman ata sa tv." Nakakaloka, magagalit, tapos magtatampo. Aynako. Tapos nung Saturday, muntikan na ko atakihin sa puso dun sa text nya na "Hoy ikaw ha. Tumakas ka sa review kanina." HAHAHA. Actually di ako tumakas, wala akong pera pang-enrol para sa Critical lecture namin that day. Since ayoko naman ma-bano sa bahay at para isabay ko na sa pagpunta ko sa puntod ni nanay eh nanuod na rin ako ng game sa San Juan Arena. Pagkagising ko the next day, nagtext sya ng "Galingan mo :)" Nakaka-empower eh no! Hulaan nyo na lang kung sino ang taong to kasi malamang eh mahuhulaan nyo. Ayun, we don't text or talk (or tweet!) a lot, pero kasi malaking bagay na sakin yung mga bagay na nagpapaalala sakin kay Nanay (na ginagawa nya), and thank you kasi in times like this, mga kaibigan ko talaga yung masasandalan ko. 

Malalampasan ko rin tong board exam na to. Sana bigyan ako ni Lord ng tibay ng loob and sharp memory para mai-top at mai-pasa ko tong NLE. Aba! Walang masamang mangarap na maging topnotcher no. Pangarap kong mailagay yung pangalan ko sa tarpaulin sa tapat ng Tech Bldg tapos mai-feature sa Advocate! Oh yeah! Ayoko muna mag-wish masyado kay Lord, masyado na kasing marami yung hiniling ko sa kanya. Matapos lang tong NLE na to! :))

Good luck Lhea! Panindigan mo yang FUTURE NURSE LEI mo ha!