Professional Tambay

So yeah, I'm unemployed for a year now and as much as I want to enjoy this chill life, I can't since I have loads of exams to review on. Haha. Well anyway, I didn't tambay-ed for the entire time since I worked on my IELTS and CBT exam last year. Now, I'm just waiting for my Decision Letter from NMC. 😭

Honestly, I feel like the time passed by really quickly. I feel like it was just yesterday when I'm complaining that I don't have a job, then finally working here in Palawan, resigned to review for IELTS, passed my CBT, and now waiting for my precious DL. I feel proud in my self actually that I made it. Hopefully I'll still be lucky for the years to come. Everything that I achieved right now is also a product of my hardwork too, so I wanna pat my back for that :)) I'm quite excited that I'm working on my future now. I hope that this is God's plan for me. 😉

Even though I cherish my free time a lot, I miss working in the hospital too, and also my peers. I'm happy that I was blessed with a supportive colleagues with me then. I may have encountered problems, but it was just minor setbacks in my employed life. I learned a lot from it.

Few months or weeks to go, I might be in a workplace already (I really hope and pray so!) and probably enjoying everything around me. But yeah, that's the start of my never ending OFW life, but I'll make sure that I'll make the most out of it.

Go Lhea!!!!

Worrying

 Honestly, I've always been so conflicted in my life that I can't even get used to it.

I want to work for the mean time so that I wont depend too much on papa, but I feel like I should just focus on my review since it was the reason why I left my work.

I want to stay here in my current dorm, but my contract will end this July. I'm planning to move with my former workmates but I think I will annoy them or I will be annoyed when I won't get to have my me time and choose to stay in my bed and sleep. 

1 month to go before my 4th and hopefully the super last IELTS exam. So help me God! I'm actually dying of worrying about my other exams like CBT and OSCE. Huhu

That's all. Kbye

Yeah, I finally knew

I think we all have our own struggles that we keep from other people. Not that we keep it as a form of a secret, but for the other person or people to be free from worrying about it. Just like our parents, sometimes we see them as normal individuals who work, cater our needs at home, and deal with the family problems and monthly bills. But what we don’t see is that they have their own struggles apart from the family’s. While we’re busy dealing with our own problems, they are also busy with theirs. And while we whine at them for not understanding us, we are actually the ones who don’t take time to understand them.

The reason why I made this entry is that I feel like a misunderstanding daughter all these time. All along, I thought I was great and I deal with things coolly, but it wasn’t really like that. I thought I understood my father, but I was wrong. With what I mentioned on the first paragraph, majority of it applies to me and my father. Yes, I had tons of worries and struggles and I tried to keep it away from him because I don’t want to be a burden and I’m quite shy to ask things from him. There are also times that I wanted to whine about how little my allowance was, and that he’s trying to starve me during my unemployment days. Well, I admit that I was totally wrong and good thing that my struggles while working in the province made me realize a lot of things that contributed to my so-called maturity.

I talked to my dad about me worrying about him and I asked him to share his worries to me since her daughter is all grown-up. I told him that he could count on me now and I’m willing to help him whatever I can. While things were getting serious, I started sharing my own worries when I was a kid that I haven’t said to him even before. Then, I offered some advices to him on his own problems and promised to help him more once my overseas employment (that I’m working on right now, and wishing that it’ll work out) pushes through. Then, I teared up when he mentioned something about Mama whom he was really in sync with, but left him just after four years of marriage. (Well, I value any words I could hear especially when it’s all about Mama. It feels good to get to know bits about my mom that I didn’t get to know personally.)

Honestly, I grew up viewing Papa as a weak person, well maybe because of his attitude and that I was not able to know him better as an individual. I was a bit rebellious in high school because I hated how dumb he is in his decisions before, and as the “intelligent” kid that I “was,” I tried to teach him a lesson so that he’ll learn from  it. Well, kinda regretted how disrespectful I was (good thing that was just a phase) and how I hurt his feeling, to think that he didn’t even got mad at me in return. He swallowed every words that I said and kept his own sadness. Thinking about it now pains me a lot too. I promised him that I would be a reliable daughter who will hug him whenever he feels sad, and will offer good advices too. My dad needs me more than he needs me so I have to strive hard at work.

This entry is quite disorganized, right? As usual J As much as possible, I want to post some of my life realizations and hospital adventures here but I’m quite lazy to post it here. I hope if any youngsters would read this, I hope they’ll get a lesson from it even though this post is so bitin. Haha. Anyeong!

Hey you!

Hello my dearest blog, sorry for not updating you always since my life was really bland these past few months and I felt like a decaying matter inside my apartmenr. Although I have a lot of things to share, please give me some space to share my feelings.
If you happen to read my past entries, it's been a long time since I had friendship-related hanash, so please bear with me since I really have to let it out even though I might regret it soon.
~Hello my dear friend, it wasn't that long ago when I officially reconnected (??) my ties with you. And before our recent meeting, we also bonded with our other friends somewhere. It seems to me that things are quite okay for me now, and that I won't have to deal with awkwardness anymore. But recently, my actions in our recent meeting made quite a misunderstanding for the people around us. I was really passive that night, not in my usual happy self, and avoided a lot of people. I may have avoided other people but not you since we also happened to talk before I went out to have my "me-time." To tell you honestly, I don't want my "me-time" to be a big thing. I don't want to explain anymore why I wanted to read my book more than going out and spend socializing with the kids. What I've done may be deemed as rude if I was with a parent that time, but I think I've never done wrong by just lying on the couch and read the entire night. Okay, I wrote and explained too long about my me-time, and I know you wouldn't even care. Well, boys are boys. Moving on, the next thing that happened was the one that made me feel like a beaten warrior. (And yuck, it's kinda exaggerated tho.) You were there when everything was happening. Yes, as my usual self, I laughed it off, but deep inside, I wasn't really happy. At some point, I asked myself if it was a big mistake that I was too honest with my feelings then, or if I was too carefree to just let people make me look like a fool in front of you. (I'm not mad with those people , but with what they did.) Despite of every word that were bombed to me, you're more of an invisible person more than a spectator. And then friendship comes in. After all the teasing (some are friendly, mild, vut there are also extreme and offending ones), you never attempted to utter a single word, not even trying to stop those things, or defending me. Honestly, that really hurted me. All these time, I took it alone, but when you're there listening, I felt more alone and helpless. And then I asked myself, "Are you a real friend?" I never had any memories of you trying to defend me. I never asked you to do it, but I hope it crossed your mind that I also needed help. I may seem strong, but it doesn't mean I'm strong all the time. There was a part of me saying that you just kept your mouth shut because you don't want to be dragged to my place. But I hope you were sensitive  enough that time. I'm writing this rant entry not as a person who liked you before, but as a troubled friend who sometimes need a person to stand up for her. There were a lot of girls who were in a situation like me, and you even know them. I hope that if ever it happens to someone you know, be that person who will defend them and make them feel that what they used to "feel" isn't a bad thing, or something to be mocked, or making fun of. I doubt if this thing will ever cross your mind, and knowing the male species, this will never ever cross your mind. Even though I wanted you to read this, but it's too late already. Since I'll be moving to another place, it will might take us years before we meet again. I hope you had erased the past image of myself as a giddy college girl who secretly liked you (yeah, it was really embarassing typing it here). I hope that when we meet again, you'll play things cooly (like I pretended I'm doing), than being what you just did all these time.
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If you're an avid reader (oh yes avid reader-slash-advo blogger), you'll definitely know who I'm talking about, and how weird and disorganized (in terms of thought) my entries are.
I'll post some good news soon. Kbye.

Extra Challenge

"God gives the toughest battles to its strongest warriors."

In my entire life, I've been through a lot of health problems, like asthma, heart disease, and now, a health problem that might take me anytime soon. Well, it's not yet confirmed if what was the sickness that I have right now, but I know where this is heading. I'm afraid that this will hamper the life I've been dreaming of, and will cause a lot of sadness and sacrifices for me and my family. This sounds like I'm overacting but I'm really scared on what will happen in the future. I've never been scared like this before.

I haven't told Lola and Papa about this, but Mommy and Kuya already knew since I was talking to them when I found about "this." (To clear this up, I'm not pregnant.) I'll be having a check up this coming week and have some lab tests to see if this is really what I'm suspecting. I'm a nurse and I can already tell if something is happening to my body. I already researched about the problem that I'm suspecting and currently taking some measures.

 I feel like God is really testing me to my limits since I was born until I reached this age. I dunno what he's up to but I know he has great plans for me even though I'm also afraid that his "plans" might not be materialized because of this challenge he has given me. I don't know what to do now since there's a lot of things that are clouding up my mind. Honestly, I have only one person in mind whom I want to talk to right now, but unfortunately, I won't be able to hear her advice.

Think positive Lhea! Kaya mo yan!

I'm back.. again

I'm back! Sorry for my whole month of silence since I'm just too tired of writing these past few weeks. (I'm currently writing for a sports site this UAAP season.) I just went back from Palawan, two Fridays ago. Well, my lola was sent to the hospital last June 16 and I flew immediately there last June 18. Luckily, my Lola recovered very fast after a week in the hospital. Haha, my family knows my mere presence can already cure Lola's sickness :))

I was already planning to go to Palawan after my training but Lola asked me to stay here in Manila instead. But since unfortunate events are inevitable, so I easily went there after less than a day of preparation. (You gotta follow Mommy's orders) When I arrived, I never left the hospital. Haha, Lola's room was reaaaally comfortable. (Suite room it is!) Aside from that, I enjoyed sleeping (during morning and afternoon) and watching animes, KPop-related shows, and alien-related documentaries :))

I missed being a nurse during my entire stay in the hospital. And yes, I regulate her IV pump sometimes, change her diapers, carry her commode, and prepare her food. It feels good to serve your grandmother specially during the times when she needs you the most. I felt like I served my former granny patients better than her.

During my vacation last year, she asked me to stay there for good but I declined since I felt that I will have a better future here in the city, but last month, I thought that it would be much better if I just went back to the province. Honestly, I already decided that if things won't work out well here in Manila, then I'll go back to my simple life in Palawan. It would be much better if I will stay by my grandmother's side now that she's getting older. I also don't want to leave her because I do miss her every single day.

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I can't finish this entry. T.T

Early morning realizations

Lately, I've been asking myself what I really want to do in my life. After my 3-month training, I'm back with my unproductive self, and doing exactly nothing just like last year. Honestly, I really want to work already but opportunities aren't even coming my way.

Earlier this week, I searched for some BPO-related jobs online. Luckily, I was invited for an interview in a company somewhere in BGC. I went there not knowing what to do. I just thought that I'll just go with the flow. If ever they'll accept me, then it's good. If not, then maybe I'll just think about it later. I was just desperate to have a job that's why I tried my luck there. They told me that the result will be released after a day, and unluckily, I didn't received any email from them. Turns out, I failed.

A day before my interview, I told myself that if I won't get hired, maybe that job isn't for me. And it looks like it. Actually, I'm just the one pressuring myself to get a job because I feel that I'm already a heavy burden to my family. Well, I still get allowances from Lola and Papa and I never heard them ranting about my unemployment or even pressuring me to look for a job. I should've applied for a job after I passed the exam, but I chose to get a rest instead.

Sometimes, I blame myself for choosing a course that doesn't have good job opportunities. I know that Nursing isn't in demand nowadays, or even during my college life but I still pursued it. I also thought about shifting to Mass Communications but because of Nanay's last wish, I continued Nursing. There are times that I think I suck in my decisions but I know later on, I will learn from it.

Last Sunday, I started watching Emergency Couple. I enjoyed that drama because it was set in a hospital's ER. Of course, there will be patients, doctors, and especially nurses. Unknowingly, I was already shouting in front of my laptop on what the doctors and the nurses should do, and even brainstorming (on my own) on what was the patient's diagnosis. And because of that, I realized what I really want to do in life. I want to be a person who will save other people, and make them feel well. I guess I was really born to be a life saver. LOL. I wanted to be a doctor, in the first place. But because of some circumstances, I decided not to pursue it anymore and chose to be a nurse instead. Well, they're performing almost the same and works side by side. I guess, I should just stick with  my own profession :)

I guess I just have to endure any problems that will go along my way. I'm fortunate to have a good family, and I know that time will come, and I will be able to repay what they've done. This unemployment will surely come to an end. I should work well, pray hard, and trust whatever God has planned for me.

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I've been worrying a lot these days. Well, I felt better after blogging this one :)

Updates!

• Tired with all these editings and revisions stuff. 
• I.NEED.A.JOB
• Frustrations...it's all coming back
• Honestly, I think I just find my him (my groupmate) cute. The eyes tho.
• Coming back to FEU brings back a lot of good memories.
• My sleeping pattern is effed up again.
• I'm planning to study more about photography. (Sayang ang camera ko please)
• Going back to sports writing soon. Good luck!
• Addicted to Flower Grandpa Investigative Team
• Back to zero crush life again. *cuts wrist*
• I want to get fat!

HAHA. Halatang tamad mag-elaborate eh no.

Are you ready?

These past few days, my news feed is all about weddings (HS schoolmate and college batchmate) and being invited to a baby shower of my college barkada. Not that I'm not happy for them but a sudden thought bubble popped out of my head while washing my dishes: (if I were in their position) Am I ready for a married life?

I know this is a funny thing especially me talking about it. How come I already thought about marrying when I still don't have someone to marry with? Well, take out the husband-to-be in the equation.

In my past entries, I talked about my future plans for my kids and now, it's all about crossing to what we call, THE REALITY. Starting a family is not a joke. I think, when the couple already thought about marrying, they start to prepare themselves physically, emotionally, spiritually, and financially. You will not be just boyfriends or girlfriends that would splurge their salaries to things that will just make them happy for the mean time. When you think of building your future, aside from planning the wedding, you also plan for your future savings. I learned from Papa that Mama already managed his money since 1988, and they married in 1991. (My mom is an accountant, so she must be that good in taking care of finances) Another thing, it's much better if the both of you already had investments while you were still single, or young. It's a nice way to put your money in something that will soon be useful. (I learned this one again from my parents. I'm quite lucky that they put their money into good use)

Wait.. Stop.

I'm not trying to write an entry on how to start your family, but I'm just quite concerned if I would be getting married at the moment. Emotionally and mentally-wise, I'm not yet ready. Even though I act like a grown up woman in the exterior, I'm still a messy kid at home. If you would raid my apartment, you would ask if a Haiyan-like storm bulldozed my place. (Told ya) Next, I can't imagine myself taking care of my kid. Hello, I'm still having fun spazzing over CNBLUE, staying up late to watch all of their videos and stuff. I would be an irresponsible mom at this age. And lastly, I suck in managing finances. (KFly) My uncle shared how he work hard abroad to send money for his family here, and he feels like it's still not enough since my cousin will be in college this coming school year. He also shared how my mom told him the same things when he was still single then, and mama just had me. He said that my mom worked hard to feed me, thinking that milk was just my food then. She made him realize how hard it is to have your own family. I know it's not all about the happiness. There will be tough times, and you can't avoid that. You just have to be ready whenever it lurks on your way.

Well, maybe next time the thought of being pregnant would knock in my thoughts. HAHAHA.

Give me some space

Honestly, "frustration" post talaga to kaso ewan ko, wala na akong maisip i-type mula ng binuksan ko yung window na to.

Frustration number 1: ANONG KLASENG RESEARCH AND MAGAGAGAWA NAMIN IN TWO MONTHS?

Frustration number 2: DI KO MAKAKASAMA DITO SA APARTMENT YUNG PINSAN KO. Which means kargo ko na naman lahaaaaat ng rent and utility bills.

Frustration number 3: ASAN NA BA YANG MGA TRABAHONG YAN? Sarap magmura kasi mag-iisang taon na akong nag-take ng board exam. Sa July 8, 1 year na akong pumasa. Sa September 26 naman, 1 year ko ng nakuha PRC ID ko. YUNG TOTOO?

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Ayan ang frustration ng isang unemployed nurse na kagaya ko. KBYE.

Training kemps #3

So our second week of post-grad training has just ended earlier and we'll be having our clinical duty this Monday. I'm excited but at the same time challenged because I need to act like a professional now, unlike my student nurse days that I still have to ask my clinical instructor about this and that. Phew! I can do this!

Monday
BLS didactics day. I already had my AHA BLS license last August that's why I wasn't enthusiastic enough to participate in our DOH BLS training. In the afternoon, I joined forces with Jam for our BLS practice. Gahd, I feel like my hands were beaten by paddles. I really compressed the dummy well and even did a mouth-to-mouth resuscitation! I can't imagine if I had to do it in real life. Well, we do have bag-valve mask in the hospital, and I should bring a CPR face shield with me anytime (if ever there would be any emergencies).

I stayed up all night to review for BLS and edit for our group report.

Tuesday
BLS practicals day. Jam and I activated our GC-ness and reviewed together. We thought we did well in our adult BLS but we forgot some important actions that's why our grades wasn't that outstanding. I think I sticked with Jam the whole day. :D Even though my hand hurts, I still finished our group's ppt til 1pm.

Wednesday
Group report day. Haha, I dunno why I felt nervous before the report. XD

Thursday
LAAAAATE! I woke up at 7:30 am and our retdem was at 8am! I had to rush to LCP without even taking a bath. HAHAHA. I arrived there at 8:29 and they wasn't even starting yet so I still had time to review. I was not in my usual self because I feel toxic with what we've done in the past few days. I did quite good in CTT, okay in suctioning and in ET care, but worse in Tracheostomy care. I'll do better in our actual duty, promise.

We were dismissed early so I still had time to meet with Cindy :) Again, I stayed up late again because of Jam (Viber-mates) and Allegiant (Tris died. KFLY.)

Friday
Last day!!! We had our post test and I luckily got a decent grade. I was just a point higher than my seatmates. Before our class started, Jam and I were talking about Irish and Mica. I feel like they're acting strange recently, well especially when I don't go with them (including Dean and Cyruz). Well honestly, I have my own choice whether to join you or not. Acting like owning someone in your group is really childish. I'm an independent person and I could hang out with anyone. I open myself to a lot of friendship possibilities. Then, I also feel that the four of them were much tighter now compared the past week I'm with them. I'm not the kind of person to just ride or force to include myself in a tight group of friends. I can go on my own, and I already proved that to myself. I don't need friends to survive (in our training), all I need is myself. I don't need to justify myself to them because we're not kids anymore, they just have to accept that sometimes I get to join them, and sometimes with other groups :) Another one, I was soooo irritated with my right seatmate. (Oh yeah, my weird seatmate with a sinister gaze and smile.) Since elementary to college, I don't want anyone to lay an arm or an elbow in my arm rest (or armchair) since they're depriving me some space to write and I don't want to rub elbows with anyone. If you need proof, go ask Iraki or JA. I moved my chair a lot of times and he still chased for my armrest. Gaaaah, I was already losing my patience earlier that I already cursed in Twitter. I really wanted to punch him in the face.

In the afternoon, we had our tour in the hospital and then we had our Fluids and Electrolytes update. Haha, I was able to answer about Trosseau sign! Yay!

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Well that's all! I can't think any parting sentence for this entry. Kbye

Training kemps #2

I just finished doing our group report. Gaaah, my hands are tired since this morning because of our BLS return demo, and then when I arrived at home I immediately typed our report.

I'm quite disappointed with my BLS. I think I suck in it. HAHAHA. I went "bobey" during my AHA BLS (but I think its worse) and I almost failed the exam. Though I felt disappointed, it was my groupmate Jam who made me happy today. She's from FEU-NRMF and we're partners for BLS since yesterday. We're the GC kids of our class. Haha. Any, I felt like I'm distancing myself from my 4 friends. I know I'm weird but I feel comfortable with silent or loner type of people and I can't keep up with the topics of my 4 friends. Well, I really can't explain now since I feel sleepy already. I just blogged just to update the world wide web on what's happening in my life. Well, it's also some sort of documentation, you know :)

I feel 'toxic" with our RetDem for Respi skills. Gaaaaah.

K. Good night!

Training kemps #1

So today would be my fifth day in our post-grad training and I'm really really happy that I would get to sleep for longer hours. Well not so fast Lhea, you have to accompany your cousin this Saturday and Sunday. </////3 Good luck to my health. LOLJK

Honestly, I always feel sleepy during classes and shiver because of their "turbo" aircon. Then, I always feel shy to recite or react to our lecturers because I feel like I've forgotten what I've learned in college. Good thing I'm doing well in our exams.

I also found new friends in our class. Obviously, my first friend would be my seatmate, and was the first one to say hello. My friends would find it weird that I don't took the first step to get to know my seatmate. Good thing he's...fine. Haha, he was makulit (he would wake me up whenever I'm sleepy, or percuss my back like what's done in our respi assessment), and madaldal (he would also talk to me at the middle of our lecture and I can't concentrate!). Sometimes we would share candies and biscuits too. And it makes me miss my long-time seatmate JA. Any, I do have some girl friends who were my groupmates, they are Irish and Mika (and also Cyril from another group), then Cyruz (another groupmate).

This afternoon, we craved for fishball and found nothing near the hospital so we decided to look for food at QC circle. Haha, we obviously failed. So Mika suggested that we should try food tripping in Morayta and look for trodats (the stamp that we'll be using in our duty). We ended up eating fishball, siomai and had a milk tea bonding at Frappeetea. Then we also decided to visit Mang Larry's next week after lecture (if we'll be dismissed early since we always end up at 5:30).

I may be not as friendly as I am before, but I think I should keep much tighter friendship with my groupmates since I'll be with them in the coming months. :)

Hay, I need to sleep now since I need to wake up at 5am then leave at 7am. Gahd, waking up in the morning is always a struggle. My body clock is much ready for our shifting, especially graveyard. Hohoho. :)

Thoughts of a "future" mom

I've been thinking about my future kids most of the time these days. I don't know if I am that excited to be a parent at this age, or maybe because I'll be turning 21 this Thursday. The thought about it eats a big part of  my time (aside from surfing the net).

Since I am a frustrated athlete in my younger days, I want my kids to develop the talent that I failed to have. My father's side were all athletic people, and most of my cousins play basketball and volleyball for their respective schools and even reached Palarong Pambansa during their days. Well, it's such a pity that I grew up as a sickly person, and that my mother's side is not that supportive in terms of sports. Instead, they're more inclined to academics, and that resulted to my mama, mommy, and uncles to be non-athletic people yet excelled in their studies. (Mommy was a salutatorian and Mama was a 1st Honorable Mention.) I know that acads and sports can be worked together, but unfortunately, some things didn't worked out for me. *sigh* I was asked by my preschool teacher to take piano classes when I was in Nursery because I used to sing well before (singing well as a kid differs from singing well as an adult). She felt like music will be my forte. Too bad I was a lazy kid during weekends and vacation days that I'd rather watch TV all day, lock myself in my room , play dress up, act or speak in front of the mirror, and read tons of books silently. Well, I regret that I didn't took up those piano classes. TT

And because of what I mentioned above, I want my kids to be good both in sports, music, and acads. :) Some of my elder friends said that I sound like a soon-to-be stage mother, but I don't see myself as like that. I would be a very cool mom that will give my kids a lot of choices of  what they want to do, help them empower themselves and gather knowledge from those things I provide to them. Not everyone were given the chance to learn sports and music at a very young age. Those future kids of mine would be very lucky. (Well, before they'll be lucky, me and my future husband should really work hard to provide them all of that. Haha, my conversation with my BFF comes to mind :D)

For sports, I want them to learn how to play basketball, volleyball, and football. Those 3 sports were the popular ones and can be easily played everywhere. But I also want them to learn Judo or Taekwondo, for future self defense :)) I envy my other cousins who got to learn Taekwondo and Judo, too bad I was living in the island with my grandparents, and no one teaches about those sports.

In music, I want them to learn how to play the guitar, drums, violin and piano. Guitar is a very basic instrument, so it should be the first thing they need to practice and then the drums because they're both vital in a band. Haha, I'm also a frustrated drummer. :) Violin and piano, for me, are romantic kind of instruments. They kinda exude a different feeling when it is played. Violin reminds me of Hua Ze Lei. Hahahaha. My mom was a frustrated pianist. Even in her early thirties, she still studied piano. She was able to play only one song in her entire life, which is Unchained Melody. She wanted me to learn piano at an early age so that it won't be difficult for me when I grow but. But yeah, it looks like I took the same direction with my mom.

Honestly, even when I was only 9 years old then, I felt like I'm too old to learn how to play the piano, or learn Taekwondo, Judo, guitar, or even do gymnastics. I always think in advance, and I feel like I'm too old for some things, but it's not. A friend of mine studied guitar in HS, and I can hear him play his guitar from his bedroom (we're neighbors). At 21, my cousin just bought a guitar, and I was like  "She'll have a hard time learning since she's old to start learning about that instrument." I feel like it was just me who hinders myself to do what I want (I think this quote was already printed in Advo :P) In high school, I tried to join the Rondalla Club. I studied how to play banduria by myself, then I was accepted in my junior year. Learning how to play that instrument was an achievement already. I'm thankful with my HS alma mater because of the opportunities that they have for its students. Later on, from drum and lyre (dancing), we shifted to cheerdancing which also involved (a bit of) gymnastics. A 14-year old girl like me won't be that flexible compared to the younger kids who could bend their bodies like rubber. But since I'm in it already, no choice but to continue what I had started. I had the worst body ache I encountered in my entire life after our 1st practice! haha, I couldn't even get up on my bed. Gahd. Haha, for 2 years in the squad, I managed to do bending, a bit of split, and good jumps. I even had a flat tummy those days! Hahaha. I wanted my kids to experience various things that will be helpful for them.

Not that I feel burdened about the thought of having kids, but actually I'm really excited for my future. I'm excited to work and do well in my field so that my dream would be materialized. Haha, I may be too advanced in thinking about this kind of things, but it's much better that you already have a goal for yourself and your future family. In short, a good sense of direction.

Well that's the way it is

I have this aunt who always asks me whether I had a boyfriend before, but just like a song in repeat, I would always say that I don't have time for that.

Not that I'm happy being free, but I think I'm not yet ready to commit myself in things that I'm not sure yet. I don't want to grab any opportunities of having a man while putting my own freedom and selfish happiness on the line. Besides, I don't think that man is already around, keeping an eye on what I'm doing everyday. But if he's already eyeing me, he might be disappointed looking after a girl who's not even productive in the past few months. Well sorry, I'm not in a rush.

Going back, my aunt told me a lot of things about my high school days. Well, those high school stories I wasn't even able to hear. She told me that I had this one classmate/friend that I'm really close, he planned to court me during those days but turned off whenever I share stories about acads, and the burden of being an super active student to the nth level. Well, I don't think it's a loss. I was really focused in my studies before that everything I could utter were mostly about acads. It made me laugh how acads can turn off other people. He's not a loss anyway. Then, I also had this another close friend (as told by Tita) whom I was really close (Haha, I had a lot of close friends in HS), but didn't had the courage to speak up because I'm too focused with my goal to top our class. Hahaha, my aunt told me that I spoiled the chances of having a man during my teenage days. Well, I just laughed and jumped on another topic because I really can't stand it, and that I'm too annoyed talking about those things (especially my tita's way of speaking).

No, I'm not pressured to have a boyfriend these days. I still have a lot of problems that needs to be taken care of. And besides, I haven't prayed for it yet. :) My former bus seatmate told me that those kind of things should not only be wished, but most especially, it is prayed. I should pray for it whenever I'm ready. No need to rush, because I still have a long road to take. Sometimes, I do get annoyed when love lives are being brought up, especially when they start talking about my love life that I don't or should I say, I never had. (Well, I only had crush life.) I'll better talk about my KDrama oppas. Haha.

Hay, good thing I was able to post this one. I was really annoyed this past week. I feel like that topic was being repeated every minute. After a week-long thinking, I think I know who are those guys that my tita mentioned. Haha. They're really my close friends (though I wasn't able to talk to Friend #1 since 1st year college, and I lost contact with Friend #2 again).

Hahaha, I also had this thought of listing down those topics that I want to talk with other people because I'm tired of being annoyed. Well, avoiding other people might be OA already but if that's what's best, then I'll do it. Maybe I just need more time to be with myself, and to understand things better. I can't imagine if I already have a boyfriend in times that I act like this. Haha, he would never understand my way of thinking.

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Try again, smile again

Sometimes I try my best to keep myself calm even though I feel eaten up inside. I believe that when you show people that you easily get annoyed, you'll be tagged as a loser, or pikon. Honestly, I was teased as pikon when I was young but I was able to get over it while growing up. And then from pikon, it evolved as being defensive because I always explain about my actions. Since my New Year's Resolution, or should I say my goal is not to explain things anymore, I think I should just don't mind what other people may say about my actions, because I have my own reasons.

Recently, some of my friends felt that I've been avoiding them. Yes, I am avoiding them. There are times that I already feel tired of the teasing. Well yes, you can't erase teasing between friends but it's already tiring that those teasing doesn't even end even after my long hiatus. There's this one topic that they always bring up. Well, I actually don't wanna talk about it because of....reasons. Any, I would just end up as a loser anyway. If I react, they'll say that I haven't moved on with that. And if I don't react, they'll say I'm in denial. Honestly, I don't know where to position myself. To say that I'm affected with what they're saying is an understatement. They don't even understand a bit of my actions. I did my best to create a new world for myself, to get out of the world that confined me for years. I remember what my friend told me before, that I should live my life apart from them because in the end, we'll part ways.

I think a part of this dilemma should be blamed to me. I was an open book that anyone who's curious would be able to read, but I think it should be over now. There's nothing wrong with teasing other people, but one should be sensitive enough on when to start or end it. I'm going through some things that they do not know. They don't even know some things that causes me a great burden.

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*Try again and smile again is one of CNBLUE's songs. I dunno why I chose this as the title. Well, I always come up with a very random title anyway.

Post-check up depression

I've encountered a lot of health check-ups since I was young. I was sickly then that's why I treated hospitals as my second home (and ships as my third because I always travel going to Puerto or Manila.). But yesterday (and up until now), I was really depressed with the result. I have a health problem that resurfaced after how many years. Since that problems was solved already, we focused our attention in my heart condition (this is serious, not a "heart-broken" kind of condition tho). But now, "that" problem it kinda hinders my plan to undergo training this upcoming March. I thought I was doing and feeling well but I'm not.

Honestly, I still think that my heart problem was worse than this because my cardiac muscles might get tired and eventually stop. I'm not depressed  or sad with the thought I might die because of this resurfaced problem, but it makes me worry on how I will work as a healthy medical practitioner.

But then again, no one beats prayers and faith in God. I've been through a lot of problems like this in the past though I had Nanay to accompany me to the doctor. But now, I have to face this all by myself. I'm too old to be accompanied by a parent or relative (haha, my dad isn't even here, and no relative is available to join me in the hospital). I guess I have to rely on my experiences on how to deal with this. This time, the tables have been turned. I'm the patient now, and I need to do what the doctors would ask me to do. Hay, we really need to take care of our health.

I'm planning to jog every morning whenever I'm not busy. I guess having a healthy lifestyle would really help. And how I wish I had a handsome nurse to take care of me. If there's no one available, then I'll just hire myself to  be my personal nurse. HAHAHAHA :)

Waiting

You don't challenge me to a waiting game because I can patiently wait, how long it will take. :D

Huhu, but it's different now because I'm dying to see that holy email from those hospitals that I applied. I keep on checking my mail everyday, hoping that someone would contact me about those job-related thingy but looks like I'm hopeless.

I called one of the first hospitals I applied to ask when will be the start of their Batch 1 training and the training officer answered that it will be on February 17. But, a trainee will be included if he/she received an email from him. Uhh, actually I haven't received any email from him regarding this month's training. I dunno whether I'll be happy or not since I prefer those hospitals which are near to my place. Any, that hospital was actually my first choice but... Haha, I can't tell why.

Another thing is, there's also a hospital that is 2 rides away from my place and their training will start by next month. I heard that not all their trainees are being absorbed, but I think I should still try. Malay mo diba? Any, I'll be finishing all my applications this week so that I will have a peaceful vacation this weekend with my cousins. Hundred Islands adventure, yaaaay!

Since I'm a bit frustrated with my current state, my tita told me that maybe my birthday gift will be the job I've been waiting for.


Christelle and Justine: Pati sa trabaho, pinaghihintay ka pa rin?



Hay. Buhay abanger (sa trabaho).

Gomenasai!

(It means sorry in Japanese)

I know I've been so inactive in the past few days. I don't update my Facebook much and I don't blog that often compared to my college days, to think that I'm much available now compared before.

Honestly, I'm not doing good these days. I was sick last Wednesday and Thursday. Even though I'm not in the mood to take care of my self, I can't stand drooling over my pillow sheets and my blankets. Aside from that, I need to avoid having Tonsillitis because those streps might invade my heart (realistically speaking). So, I had to get up and go to SM San Lazaro to buy meds and foods, too. I tend spend quite much whenever I'm sick. I would buy foods I don't usually buy whenever I'm trying to be thrifty. Anyway, I need to take care of myself because no one would do it for me.

I felt better come Friday. And yuhoo, I just ended my CS problems since I opted to donate instead to serving that whole 58 hours (though I was able to render 12 hours already at the Marketing Office. Any, I also had a good time there with Mam Pink and Sir Ian). Then I also paid for my TOR and then I will be getting it today (together with my Good Moral cert). So, my last problem is my NBI clearance, but I have to call the main office regarding on my queries. Honestly, I wasn't able to copy the accomplished online form of my NBI clearance. I'm hoping that I'll be able to finish my requirements this week.

Last Thursday, I ditched that interview at a specialty clinic somewhere in Makati and then didn't attended my Nursing Proficiency Exam at PGH (since I think I won't even get a chance to pass in the next few steps. Quite a pessimistic attitude of mine). Well, I do have a valid reason: I'm sick. :P

Lately, I don't blog a lot about my inner thoughts since I'm quite cautious of what I'm saying lately. Well, I have a journal that keeps my thoughts privately. I realized that there are some things that I don't need to say to other people. Now, I learned to be more private compared to my usual "open" self.

I observed that I don't bond or go out with my Advo friends much this month. Haha, sorry but I have some financial problems lately and I don't want to spend beyond my budget. And aside from that, I don't wanna go far and I'm afraid of traveling alone especially at night. But I don't regard myself as a loner since I do hang with some of my FEU friends whom we call as "Brobabes." :) We're four in the group, one "bro" and three "babes." Bro and I are from IN and the two other babes are from IAS-Psych. They're quite older than me, so they regard me as the "bunso" yet I feel awkward at times when I call them ate or kuya so I try to call them with their names :D

For two weekends already, my BFF and I are having some ultimate bonding experience here at my apartment (since yeah, I'm in a budget). We reminisce our high school days and our island life in Cuyo. What I love about my best friend is that she knows me through and through. We were schoolmates in Prep School, High School up to College (because yeah, I followed her in FEU.) We might not bond as often as my other college friends, she knows about me more than them. There are some things that I could only open up to her esp. about family matters (yeah again, because she knows my family well). I'm hoping for more bonding moments with her :)

Moving on, I'm trying to ask myself whether I feel pressured about being unemployed or not. Honestly, I'm quite in a rush of looking for a hospital to work at. Luckily, I found that a nearby hospital is looking for a staff nurse. I want to work there since I don't have to travel far to get to my workplace. Hahaha. Lazy kid as always. Any, I'll still pass my requirements to other hospitals. :)

Aside from what I stated above, my source of entertainment is watching Asian dramas. Yesterday, I just finished Yamato Nadeshiko. Well, I'm a big fan of its anime version, and it's live action didn't disappoint me. Though at first, the actor who played Kyohei didn't even look like the anime Kyohei, but in the end, reality is different from fiction. But hey, he's handsome and I like his hair! (I dunno why I like guys with long hair lately.) Kazuya Kamenashi did a good job as Kyohei. Huhuhu, I can't help but cry with its last episode. Go Kyoheiiii. Another thing, I also watched Vic and Barbie's MARS. I'm a big fan of them since Meteor Garden days. As a fangirl, MARS was a dream come true since they're both the leads. :) Vic Zhou is soooo pogi with his long hair (haha, long hair again). Their acting was superb and I like the story because of its uniqueness and its unpredictable twists. :)

If you are an avid reader of my blog (...in short, you're from Advo), I know you'd ask about my lovelife... Well uhh, crushlife. So far, all I have are two crushes: my idol crush and my happy crush. Haha, and they're both from IN and both of them are my former seniors. :) I think I need inspiration like them to strive with my unemployed life. Hahaha. They will always remain as my crushes since I really can't reach them (and I'm younger than them.) :D

I know I'm living a lonely life but don't worry, I always find ways to be happy in what I do. This solitude will surely give me a lot of lessons that will be useful in the future. :