Tudum...

(As always, my titles aren't always related to the content.) Anyways, I'm so disappointed lately on how career is going. Basically, I'm not even progressing at all as a nurse who's been a Band 5 for 5 years now. I might've not mentioned it here but I failed 2 interviews for my ward last year, due to "someone more experienced than me" (but we are training that person instead to do her job to teach us instead), and "giving negative vibes" in my answer that didn't even dwell on the short staffing of the ward. To be honest, I totally don't know what's happening because this all seemed like a joke. We lost a couple of seniors in the ward, but barely replaced them. The one they promoted just got the permanent position (which is expected), and now they're opening a secondment for 6 months. LIKE, SIX MONTHS? That's pretty useless tbf. Me being a prideful human being, doesn't want to apply for it because it's just useless. And potentially not getting the job would just be rubbing more salt to the wound. I'm trying not to think about other stuff, but it seems like some people don't favour me at all. I love my job, and I'm just here to work and not be best friends with other people. But I think that people who are worthy for a certain position should be given a chance. Sadly, I already showed them that I could do the job. They're just way too blind to see or probably erased that memory in their heads. Work loyalty is BS. Everyone is literally telling that to me. Even though I like what I do, I just feel like floating in the band 5 position, hitting the roof with no chance to soar above that. Instead, I'm expected to act like a senior staff nurse, when I even ain't one. I had to do some responsibility of looking after new staff and teaching them, when there is an actual person paid to do it (the one they chose over me.) Just funny, isn't it? I want to leave my area tbh and do something different. And get paid better, with the hardwork I'm putting into. I want to be appreciated in my job, and get the proper pay for it. MAybe too much to ask for other people, but they won't know how I'm feeling. I shouldn't be ranting in my college blog tbh. But hey, this is my reality. I should write more about my experiences as the nurse that I am now.

Confused Part 1

I've never been so confused about my feelings in my entire life. I mean, I never encountered any problems that involves guys who likes me, rather I'm the one who likes them instead.

Basically, I actually kinda dated 2 guys at the same time few weeks ago. There's this same-aged British guy whom I went out on a date, but ghosted me for a week, and then called me back when he was sick. The next day, he told me that he's not comfortable seeing me anymore. Then, he listed his "reasons" why, and it baffled me that all of it was because of the day before that. He told me that I was childish and clingy. I accept the childish part, but clingy? Hello gentleman, I think it's you who's clingy between us tho? Anyway, as the Lhea that I am, I just wholly accepted what he said and let him go. Sadly, I was just starting to like him. Alexa! Play Best Thing I Never Had by Beyonce!!

Three days before the thing with the Brit guy, me and this younger Polish guy I once dated before and turned down because I see him as a lil brother that I want to take care, met again in the same park from last winter. We talked and I offered friendship once again and he rejected me. The guy literally likes me and I felt so bad that it's been months but he still felt the same. I gave him (and myself, too) a chance to meet often and get to know each other. I can see how happy he was. And honestly, we connect on a mental level. We're both deep thinkers, but after texting the next day, I realized that we have different POV in life. Since I'm busy with work, I didn't get to text him often, and at the same time I don't want to be a part of his system as well. I thought really hard if this is going to make me happy: giving myself a chance to get to know someone, and possibly having a relationship; but I guess this is not me and for me. Everything took a toll on my peace of mind actually, and when I talked to the guy again, he doesn't seem as excited as before (probably because I never contacted him for 3 days). And that's when I decided to ghost him: block him on my phone and on SNS.

Since then, I felt a lot more at peace and true to myself. I'd rather stay on my own lane, than try those things again. As what I always say, I'd always choose someone I like than the other way around. I'd rather be hurt because of it, rather than hurting another person and hurting myself at the same time. I'm happy being with my crush, and that's what matters for me rn. Things might not turn out the way I want to, but this is where I feel happy, secured, and understood. :)

Comeback comeback comeback

I decided to go back to blogging and journaling after I realized that I'm not updated with myself these past few months. I feel like I'm spending a lot of time in my room doing nothing and never achieve anything. Since it's summer, I decided to make a travel blog entries on my Wordpress account. Wish me luck!!

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Quick update!
After that friendzoning, to cut the story short, nothing changed! I mean, I expected that we'd naturally drift apart but we didn't. Instead, we grew closer and became a lot more comfortable. We still go out together but we're not even dating. Hahaha. He can date whoever he wants, and I can too.

Sooo, here's the juicy part. I decided not to spill about this guy, but anyway my friends knew about him already. He's British, and just a little less a year older than me. He looks like a fine English gentleman, but with a naughty and cheeky side.  Lol. I mean, I like Nikko so much but it seems like me and *this* guy are each other's back up. Honestly, I don't even like him but he likes me! 🤣

Moving on, he kept on inviting me to go on dates but I kept on ditching him for Nikko. I'm quite surprised that he was never mad about how I ditched him last time. But yeah, the heart wants what it wants!! I know Nikko is such an impossible case for me, but let me be happy, universe. I'll take care of my feelings, and I'll try my best to be his friend.

Comeback post

So yeah, I've been away from blogging here for quite long and I've been enjoying my life in London so far, especially that I now have friends who go out with me :)

Quick update!
I passed my OSCEs already, felt new and learning things (still!) all over again, and inproving my skills day by day. I got stressed as well due to my packed schedule and dreaded for a break since February but I can't. I had breakouts on my forehead and that added to my work stress as well. I went through rough mood swings for 2 weeks, and was so emotional during that. But yeah, I survived!!

The real deal
So here ya go. I have a crush on someone since February and we just met 2 weeks ago. He had no clue who I was but he accepted my IG following then, but had to unfollow him and then added him up again. Lol.

We met again this weekend, had few drinks with friend, and went out with them the next day. To cut things short, I like the guy's personality. While on my part, I feel like I did a lot of dumb things, but honestly, it was just me. Wafakels if he got turned off (I'm used to that, you know!) from my madaldal self (esp when I was drunk) or how annoying I am at times (hahaha, reminds me of how I used to ask A if he finds me annoying).

My friends are doing a lot of work for me and I'm so grateful for that, but they can only do so much. At the end of the day, it's still me who has to do the entire chunk of stuff. I feel like I was rushing myself to be liked by him as I am doing this entry, maybe because I am afraid of being delegated to the pits of friendzone again. Lol. But yeah, I should've just laid the friendship foundation first, rather than jump to those subtle banats and open arms. Hahaha. I dunno. I'm just worried since I won't get to see him in 2 weeks (or prolly longer than that, or not at all because of my dumb self).

As much as I want to maintain our communications, I feel like it'll be hard to do. I mean, I have my pride and he prolly knows that I like him a lot, so I want to regain my pride and refrain from talking to him. Sorry, this is just me.

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There ya go, I just want to express myself here again. I'm being weird again. K.