Rocks..

I went through a lot of work-related difficulties last week, that I had to unleash my frustrations at home, and that leaves me nowhere to go.

Honestly, after I learned that my contract has ended, I was so ecstatic to return to Manila to pursue my career there, but then, even though I already want to let go of my job (since heck yeah, my contract's done, so I'm gonna leave), the hospital doesn't seem to let me go. I was totally mind-blown of how my contract has ended, and I wanted to leave ASAP, and the hospital is trying so hard to let me stay as far as they can do. Ugh, and as much as I wanted to say that I'll be leaving, I can't find any reasons since it'll make me swallow everything I said during the interview. (Note to self: Don't you ever again impress other people so much during interviews, they'll expect so much and glue their eyes on you in everything that you do.) I went back to HR just to clarify things but it seemed that I was asking them to help me to remain in the hospital even if it totally wasn't my intention.

Moving on, I'm temporarily hired for a month and I'll still be in PACU. I dunno by next month if I'll still be a temporary worker or not (meaning: not an employee anymore). By now, I'm already thinking about my reason to finally resign by next month. The first one: my parents wanted me to take NCLEX exam, or maybe my dad wants me to process some papers for immigration. Hahaha, sorry, I'm just good in making white lies.

I know the consequences of my plans, and I have a lot of things to sacrifice. Going back to Manila means living a much simpler life that what I had then and what I had here. Then, I have to make a living for myself, since Papa will have a hard time again financially (he knows how I spend), and I already started working for myself, so I have to be responsible enough. Applying for work there will take a loooong time, and more frustrations. I've been to numerous exams and interviews, but it seemed that I didn't passed at all.

Honestly, the feelings I had before is coming back again. Remember how hard it was for me to leave Manila in less than 2 weeks to prepare? Gahd, it was hard for me mentally and emotionally, but I had to face it like a real adult since leaving will be a constant part of my life by the next few years. Now, it's a bit hard for me to leave since I got used to live with Lola again. Yeah, there were times that I get annoyed with her, and she gets annoyed with me, but in the end, we do still care for each other. We're both stubborn people who has a terrifying temper. Living alone again will be hard for me again.

I know that my problem is much simpler than what other people are experiencing. I guess I have to live my life one step at a time, but thinking in advance won't hurt, right? Failing to prepare is preparing to fail (?????). I asked God if this happening is a signal to me that I should do something with my life. I mean, even though I'm already working, I'm still backed by Lola (hey, how can you live by yourself with a low salary like mine??? #governmenthospitalproblems) in everything that I need. Well, there are some kids that still lives with their parents, and the house bills are still shouldered by their parents, and the kids just have to spend their salary to anything not related to montly bills (and, those kids probably save money, too). Btw, I need to test how far I can go by myself. If everything fails, my family will always be at my back. I know they want me to do well by myself, it's just that we are all not confident; me, not being confident that I can do it alone; and them, not being confident that i could live well by myself, including worrying about my safety.

Maybe I'll just wait for what will happen by next month...