Boiling point

These past few months was all about working, and I didn't even have time to have fun. My fatigue from my 8-hour shift is what keeps me at home for the next 16 hours. Well, all I have to do is eat and sleep for the next few hours, and go to work again.

Physical fatigue wears off after a long sleep, and good home environment, of course. But this time, when mental fatigue and household issues combines its wrath, it's unleashing the beast in me that was hibernating for a very long time.  I didn't know that I had this in me.

I've lived alone for years in Manila, away from family. When dealing with problems, may it be household, or personal issues, I deal it through thinking and silence. But living independently and going back to living with your family again isn't as easy as I imagined. I've lived with lola for a long time, until I studied college. Unluckily, I still have to deal with another person whom we need to take care of the household chores. I didn't had issues with our former househelps since I've lived with them since I was a kid. Recently, Lola got a new househelp who's younger than me. I didn't mind it at all for the entire month until this week.

It may be as simple as it may seem but the fact that made me reaaally mad was when I found out that my favorite top was totally stained by a blanket that was soaked for days with the former. I'm a person who's not fond of buying new ones and taking care of my clothes by washing it well, even if it takes me forever to finish it. Another thing that made me explode was that it wasn't even cheap. After few days, I've calmed and took the fact that I can't use it again. And now, after folding my clothes for my flight next week, I found out that my another top was also stained. Oh geez, I had enough.

I sound childish, but heck, I deeply value all the things that I have. Mommy even called me when she heard that I was really mad about one shirt, and she promised to buy me another one but I refused. I don't think at anything would easily be replaced just like that. It's funny that I always develop strong attachment to a place (like my apartment), a dress (my 2 ruined tops), and even the tiniest things. She told me that I should get over it because it already happened ( and I answered that it wouldn't have happened if it was washed carefully), and there are things that doesn't go on the way we like. She then mentioned about frustrations, and that's when I started crying and argued my point. Oh yeah, I had a lot of frustrations like not being able to work where I like, being stucked again here in the province, and not being able to enjoy my youth because things seems to be incomplete. I faced those frustrations like a matured person and accepted the fact that I will never get to work where I want, that I'll be stucked here in the province, and that I won't be able to enjoy the things that I want because I'm stucked in a place where all you gonna think everyday is always work. (Fine, I'll exclude how it was working in a hospital everyday.) I moved on with those frustrations and lived my life, but it seems like the much little things can make me crash those solid walls. You won't imagine the fury when I totally get angry. These past few years, I rarely get angry and I hate being angry because it takes time for me to entirely calm myself and it stresses me out, to the point that I want to sleep for weeks.

I'm not supposed to post this here because it would definitely ruin my image as a cheerful person, but I don't care anymore. It's much better that you'd let people realize that each one of us has this kid of character too. These past few days, I thought that my character is getting worse, day by day. I guess it wasn't bad to be "bad" at times when you had enough already. I'm done being the one who understands, and makes rationalization why things go that way. You may think that it's refreshing for something to finally explode, but after that explosion, we definitely get stressed too.

Fine, I've talked so much and you'll realize that I will always be childish for being upset on such simple things. You may not be able to understand why I'm like this, but soon, you'll find out yourself.