Rocks..

I went through a lot of work-related difficulties last week, that I had to unleash my frustrations at home, and that leaves me nowhere to go.

Honestly, after I learned that my contract has ended, I was so ecstatic to return to Manila to pursue my career there, but then, even though I already want to let go of my job (since heck yeah, my contract's done, so I'm gonna leave), the hospital doesn't seem to let me go. I was totally mind-blown of how my contract has ended, and I wanted to leave ASAP, and the hospital is trying so hard to let me stay as far as they can do. Ugh, and as much as I wanted to say that I'll be leaving, I can't find any reasons since it'll make me swallow everything I said during the interview. (Note to self: Don't you ever again impress other people so much during interviews, they'll expect so much and glue their eyes on you in everything that you do.) I went back to HR just to clarify things but it seemed that I was asking them to help me to remain in the hospital even if it totally wasn't my intention.

Moving on, I'm temporarily hired for a month and I'll still be in PACU. I dunno by next month if I'll still be a temporary worker or not (meaning: not an employee anymore). By now, I'm already thinking about my reason to finally resign by next month. The first one: my parents wanted me to take NCLEX exam, or maybe my dad wants me to process some papers for immigration. Hahaha, sorry, I'm just good in making white lies.

I know the consequences of my plans, and I have a lot of things to sacrifice. Going back to Manila means living a much simpler life that what I had then and what I had here. Then, I have to make a living for myself, since Papa will have a hard time again financially (he knows how I spend), and I already started working for myself, so I have to be responsible enough. Applying for work there will take a loooong time, and more frustrations. I've been to numerous exams and interviews, but it seemed that I didn't passed at all.

Honestly, the feelings I had before is coming back again. Remember how hard it was for me to leave Manila in less than 2 weeks to prepare? Gahd, it was hard for me mentally and emotionally, but I had to face it like a real adult since leaving will be a constant part of my life by the next few years. Now, it's a bit hard for me to leave since I got used to live with Lola again. Yeah, there were times that I get annoyed with her, and she gets annoyed with me, but in the end, we do still care for each other. We're both stubborn people who has a terrifying temper. Living alone again will be hard for me again.

I know that my problem is much simpler than what other people are experiencing. I guess I have to live my life one step at a time, but thinking in advance won't hurt, right? Failing to prepare is preparing to fail (?????). I asked God if this happening is a signal to me that I should do something with my life. I mean, even though I'm already working, I'm still backed by Lola (hey, how can you live by yourself with a low salary like mine??? #governmenthospitalproblems) in everything that I need. Well, there are some kids that still lives with their parents, and the house bills are still shouldered by their parents, and the kids just have to spend their salary to anything not related to montly bills (and, those kids probably save money, too). Btw, I need to test how far I can go by myself. If everything fails, my family will always be at my back. I know they want me to do well by myself, it's just that we are all not confident; me, not being confident that I can do it alone; and them, not being confident that i could live well by myself, including worrying about my safety.

Maybe I'll just wait for what will happen by next month...

Friendships at work: does that really work?

Hey! I recently transferred in PACU and honestly, I've been so stressed since then. I dunno really since I'd get to have patients off from OR, and I also help out in DR in terms of paper works. *Sigh* (Sorry, I couldn't really process my thoughts that's why I let out that sigh. I wanted to stick to my title but I can't since I have to make an introductory paragraph. Any, I'll just go straight to the point next time. No more format considerations.)

I recently realized that one of the reasons why I'm not enjoying my work so far is because of my lack of friends. Any, I can say that Mam Julie, Mam Faith and Mam Irene are the people I'm close with because they were my first workmates, and then Mam Reizel because were both talkative and loves girly stuff. But I think my relationship with them is more on the closeness in workplace level than the friendship that I'm thinking of. I guess, it's really that hard to find friends at work.

Honestly, since I came here I actually brought the attitude of a city girl (not generalizing) who's independent and doesn't mind to get to know people outside her circle (in short, not fond of introductions). Right now, I can make conversations with people since I've been assigned on Male Medical and OB Ward, and then transferring OR patients to Surgical Ward. But then, it's just general conversations and I have to consider the seniority of that person based on the position, age, and how long he/she is working there. Yeah, I do have a lot to mind whenever I talk to them. And then, I don't usually greet some of my co-workers whenever I meet them in the hallways. You may think that I'm the one to be blamed for not having friends, but hey, aside from the fact that I'm shy since I still feel like a newbie, but I don't really know them. I find it somewhat funny that the ER peeps in my new shift are friendly with me (Haha, I was friendly to the ER peeps in my past shift since one was a Cuyonon [we do endorsements in Cuyonon dialect, and the doctors go crazy with our out-of-this-word language], then I knew the other one during my interview). Earlier, one ER staff greeted me twice, calling me Lei/Lhea. (I dunno why people are calling me Lei. Haha, my Manila friends rarely call me in my real nickname. Fine, I should be thankful that even though I didn't tell them about the Lei thing, they still call me that.) Actually, he resembles a bit like my former classmate, Patrick, whenever he's wearing glasses. And I was surprised yesterday that Ana Marie's in Surgical Ward. Quite thankful that Mam Diana and I were not the only FEU kids anymore. FEU-IN represent!!! In the OR Team, my fellow nurses are Mam Che and Sir Cyrus. Sir Cyrus is like a big brother to me because he teaches me how to do charting when it comes to DR cases (sareeh, it's currently my weakness. I still have a lot to learn. I'm in a newbie slump), and checks on me whenever I find something difficult. While Mam Che, she looks quite serious (more like a serious kid since she's not that tall, and she looks young), but she gives me a lot of advices recently. I guess we'll grow closer soon when I get to familiarize myself with everything, well, more since I learned that she's also a book lover. Maybe I should try to buy the books she recommended me.

Moving on, why do you think I made this entry? By just reading what I typed above, I'm not totally friendless, it's just like I have friends in a work level, but not the kind of friendship that you know I'm looking for. If you're an Advo kid, you know you'd totally understand me. I guess I can't move on with the kind of friendship I had in college. The kind of friendship that goes beyond the organization. In Advo, we learned how to work professionally and be the best-est siblings/friends at the same time. I know real life is different, but what I had in Advo can even be possible? I hope so. There are times that I wasn't too enthusiastic in going to work, unlike going to school where I can meet my friends in the classroom and my orgmates afterwards. Having lack of friends here means lesser girl talk (girl talk, regardless who I'm talking with) to none. I mean, even if I share it to Lola, she will just hear me out, but she will not be able to empathize with me at all. Me and Ate Princess isn't at a level where we could talk hospital-related things because, again, she can't empathize with me. That's where a friend at work comes in, because you can empathize with each other.

Looking at my quest to friendship at work, I don't actually make it obvious since I'm being careful with the way I act. There's a lot of things inside the hospital that can't be spilled out, even to your own family. Being able to hear things from different people, you can get hate easily by doing no wrong, or having jealous fellows around. Actually, that's what I'm avoiding right now, especially that promotions is just around the corner and I don't even want to apply for Nurse 1 because of the hate I would get even if I pass or not. Like what I said in my previous post, I don't seem that I'm at par with Nurse 1 position, and I just want to be promoted since I want to get a raise in my salary. (I. NEED. MONEY) Any, even though I don't see myself as a Nurse 1 material, then I'll let the higher ups to decide it for me. Hahahaha. Mommy was telling me to go for it (when it comes to opportunities like this, Mommy rarely says no) even though I don't feel like it.

Going back to the topic, a fellow staff from OR pointed out that maybe the reason that I don't have bosom friends in the hospital is because of my lack of batchmates/age-mates (is it even correct?). I think she's right since I don't usually call someone by name (except Ana Leah [from Cuyo], and Ana Marie [fellow Tam and from a younger batch]), and everyone tends to be older than me, so yeah (the feeling sucks). I feel like we're so strict with the Mam/Sir thing actually. Whenever I think of my PGCPN training, we all call our co-trainees by its first name. Some of us might be older, but we treat and call ourselves equal. How I wish it's like that since having friendships is easier and much natural that way. Me and my co-trainees bond during our free time and in-between breaks, but here, naaah. I guess, I have to live the way they are since I'm already stuck here. I'm really dying to find a way out here, work in Manila, then live independently (minus the help of my own big 3: Papa, Lola, Mommy). I hope I can, since they won't let me live there anymore if I can't live on my own off my own salary. Phew. (I'll make another entry soon).

I guess I'm so preoccupied of finding friendships when I arrived here. I think it's now something to be forced, and it should come naturally. If I won't be able to find something like that, I should just flourish the kind of friendship I left in Manila; that I should keep working on it despite the distance and make them feel that I never really left.

Blurred future

I've been in a deep dilemma in regards to work and future after I arrived here in Puerto. You know me, dilemmas love to stick with me.

Dilemma #1: Well, a friend of mine opened again the idea of me applying for a hospital in Manila again (and thinking about it again made me remember my countless "pending" applications in some hospitals there). I tried to be cool about it since I won't have anything to lose if I won't get accepted in that hospital for the 2nd time (my first application there is still PENDING) since I still have my work here in the province (but honestly, I really want to work there). 

Dilemma #2: Then, when my IELTS exam results were released last night and I tried to assess my scores and qualifications online, it didn't met with the criteria of CIC, which made me me a bit disappointed.

Dilemma #3: To make up for the disappointment, I looked up for some instructions on how to apply for New York's State Board. Gahd, the entire processing will cost me an entire fortune. My savings can only equate for a hundred bucks, and that's isn't enough to pay for all the processing fees. Who would've thought that instead for looking for a job, you'll end up spending all your money, and that is just for the verification and authentication of your acad papers. Ughh.

Honestly, I kinda feel that I'm such in a hurry to move out of the country. I have my reasons why I wanted to leave, but I think it would take years for me to do so.

Now, my contractual work in the hospital seems to come to an end. I dunno, but it seems like that (even though I would be transferred to OR/PACU by next month). By June, it's a whole new battle for promotions and I really really dunno if I should apply for Nurse 1 or not. Being a Nurse 1 has a lot of pros, including a raise in my salary, but I don't feel like I'm at par for a Nurse 1 position. I'm still on my 4th month yet I'm vying for a higher position already. I don't seem fine about it. All I'm thinking was the raise in salary, but my qualifications? Na-ah. I don't think so.In addition, regular employees can't easily file their leave! HAHAHA. I'm planning to return to Manila by November!!! XD

Any, I was thinking of a back-up plan in case that my contract would end during the promotions period (or if I won't apply for a regular position aka Nurse 1). And the only thing that's on my mind is applying again in Manila. Ugh, Sorry, I have a lot in my mind and I can't sort it out that well.

I dunno if you, dear reader, would understand everything that I wrote. But lemme tell you, these kind of dilemmas are prevalent among nurses. Ugh, I think I would sort these things out when I get to know about our meeting's agenda (they would surely touch the topic about

 us contractual nurses), and when Mommy arrives from US. Any, I would still send my papers to my friend, whatever happens. And, maybe I should sleep all these disappointments firsts. Honestly, I want to process my papers already but I happened to be here in the province, and that I could only do as much, Ughhhhh!

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Thanks Spotify for accompanying me. Haha

Boiling point

These past few months was all about working, and I didn't even have time to have fun. My fatigue from my 8-hour shift is what keeps me at home for the next 16 hours. Well, all I have to do is eat and sleep for the next few hours, and go to work again.

Physical fatigue wears off after a long sleep, and good home environment, of course. But this time, when mental fatigue and household issues combines its wrath, it's unleashing the beast in me that was hibernating for a very long time.  I didn't know that I had this in me.

I've lived alone for years in Manila, away from family. When dealing with problems, may it be household, or personal issues, I deal it through thinking and silence. But living independently and going back to living with your family again isn't as easy as I imagined. I've lived with lola for a long time, until I studied college. Unluckily, I still have to deal with another person whom we need to take care of the household chores. I didn't had issues with our former househelps since I've lived with them since I was a kid. Recently, Lola got a new househelp who's younger than me. I didn't mind it at all for the entire month until this week.

It may be as simple as it may seem but the fact that made me reaaally mad was when I found out that my favorite top was totally stained by a blanket that was soaked for days with the former. I'm a person who's not fond of buying new ones and taking care of my clothes by washing it well, even if it takes me forever to finish it. Another thing that made me explode was that it wasn't even cheap. After few days, I've calmed and took the fact that I can't use it again. And now, after folding my clothes for my flight next week, I found out that my another top was also stained. Oh geez, I had enough.

I sound childish, but heck, I deeply value all the things that I have. Mommy even called me when she heard that I was really mad about one shirt, and she promised to buy me another one but I refused. I don't think at anything would easily be replaced just like that. It's funny that I always develop strong attachment to a place (like my apartment), a dress (my 2 ruined tops), and even the tiniest things. She told me that I should get over it because it already happened ( and I answered that it wouldn't have happened if it was washed carefully), and there are things that doesn't go on the way we like. She then mentioned about frustrations, and that's when I started crying and argued my point. Oh yeah, I had a lot of frustrations like not being able to work where I like, being stucked again here in the province, and not being able to enjoy my youth because things seems to be incomplete. I faced those frustrations like a matured person and accepted the fact that I will never get to work where I want, that I'll be stucked here in the province, and that I won't be able to enjoy the things that I want because I'm stucked in a place where all you gonna think everyday is always work. (Fine, I'll exclude how it was working in a hospital everyday.) I moved on with those frustrations and lived my life, but it seems like the much little things can make me crash those solid walls. You won't imagine the fury when I totally get angry. These past few years, I rarely get angry and I hate being angry because it takes time for me to entirely calm myself and it stresses me out, to the point that I want to sleep for weeks.

I'm not supposed to post this here because it would definitely ruin my image as a cheerful person, but I don't care anymore. It's much better that you'd let people realize that each one of us has this kid of character too. These past few days, I thought that my character is getting worse, day by day. I guess it wasn't bad to be "bad" at times when you had enough already. I'm done being the one who understands, and makes rationalization why things go that way. You may think that it's refreshing for something to finally explode, but after that explosion, we definitely get stressed too.

Fine, I've talked so much and you'll realize that I will always be childish for being upset on such simple things. You may not be able to understand why I'm like this, but soon, you'll find out yourself.

감사합니다

Being a nurse working in a public hospital is no easy job. I had it the hard way when I first had my duty since I'm the only bedside nurse (apart from the charge nurse) who's in charge of 24 patients, which sometimes balloons up to forty and occupies even the hallways of the hospital. Even though it sounds tiring and anybody who wants to be a nurse will avoid working in a public hospital, I've learned a lot of things there and made me appreciate simple acts.


We happened to have a patient who had a seizure when we're doing our rounds. For us, it was like oh-yeah-toxic-shift-again scenario, and did the usual thing to help our patient. It was not a good graveyard shift for us and we're up all night to do our job. I was a bit surprised when our patient's daughter showed up at the station holding 2 cups of coffee. We may have our own coffees but the fact that the daughter showed her gratefulness thru those cups of coffee touched us. We just did what we're supposed to do,and she appreciated it. Right before they were discharged, they gave our charge nurse some food to show their appreciation. Too bad that it was my off day since they also want to thank me personally.


Being in a public hospital in my own province means a lot to me because I feel like Im giving back to the people who really needs help. Even though I still want to work in Manila, it's also good that I started my career here in the province, same with mommy who serves as my idol. I've seen a lot of scenarios where people cries because of their loved ones, and patients who goes out in the hospital fully recovered. Stress aside, I think I'm destined to be a nurse, and right now, I can't think any other career for me apart from nursing. I know that this is what I want to do til I get old. :)

Hey you!

Hello my dearest blog, sorry for not updating you always since my life was really bland these past few months and I felt like a decaying matter inside my apartmenr. Although I have a lot of things to share, please give me some space to share my feelings.
If you happen to read my past entries, it's been a long time since I had friendship-related hanash, so please bear with me since I really have to let it out even though I might regret it soon.
~Hello my dear friend, it wasn't that long ago when I officially reconnected (??) my ties with you. And before our recent meeting, we also bonded with our other friends somewhere. It seems to me that things are quite okay for me now, and that I won't have to deal with awkwardness anymore. But recently, my actions in our recent meeting made quite a misunderstanding for the people around us. I was really passive that night, not in my usual happy self, and avoided a lot of people. I may have avoided other people but not you since we also happened to talk before I went out to have my "me-time." To tell you honestly, I don't want my "me-time" to be a big thing. I don't want to explain anymore why I wanted to read my book more than going out and spend socializing with the kids. What I've done may be deemed as rude if I was with a parent that time, but I think I've never done wrong by just lying on the couch and read the entire night. Okay, I wrote and explained too long about my me-time, and I know you wouldn't even care. Well, boys are boys. Moving on, the next thing that happened was the one that made me feel like a beaten warrior. (And yuck, it's kinda exaggerated tho.) You were there when everything was happening. Yes, as my usual self, I laughed it off, but deep inside, I wasn't really happy. At some point, I asked myself if it was a big mistake that I was too honest with my feelings then, or if I was too carefree to just let people make me look like a fool in front of you. (I'm not mad with those people , but with what they did.) Despite of every word that were bombed to me, you're more of an invisible person more than a spectator. And then friendship comes in. After all the teasing (some are friendly, mild, vut there are also extreme and offending ones), you never attempted to utter a single word, not even trying to stop those things, or defending me. Honestly, that really hurted me. All these time, I took it alone, but when you're there listening, I felt more alone and helpless. And then I asked myself, "Are you a real friend?" I never had any memories of you trying to defend me. I never asked you to do it, but I hope it crossed your mind that I also needed help. I may seem strong, but it doesn't mean I'm strong all the time. There was a part of me saying that you just kept your mouth shut because you don't want to be dragged to my place. But I hope you were sensitive  enough that time. I'm writing this rant entry not as a person who liked you before, but as a troubled friend who sometimes need a person to stand up for her. There were a lot of girls who were in a situation like me, and you even know them. I hope that if ever it happens to someone you know, be that person who will defend them and make them feel that what they used to "feel" isn't a bad thing, or something to be mocked, or making fun of. I doubt if this thing will ever cross your mind, and knowing the male species, this will never ever cross your mind. Even though I wanted you to read this, but it's too late already. Since I'll be moving to another place, it will might take us years before we meet again. I hope you had erased the past image of myself as a giddy college girl who secretly liked you (yeah, it was really embarassing typing it here). I hope that when we meet again, you'll play things cooly (like I pretended I'm doing), than being what you just did all these time.
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If you're an avid reader (oh yes avid reader-slash-advo blogger), you'll definitely know who I'm talking about, and how weird and disorganized (in terms of thought) my entries are.
I'll post some good news soon. Kbye.

Annyeong!

('Cause I can't think of a decent title.)

I'm a bit surprised that there are some people who are still visiting my blog. Sorry guys if I'm not posting any "juicy" entries here since my life has been bland these days. Well, my life has been very bland since I graduated, and blame it to my unemployment. -______-

I've been very busy these past few weeks as my cousin's alalay. I've been accompanying him to his interviews, and then after he was hired, I still served as his alalay from getting his NBI clearance to completing some of his requirements for his job. He was lucky enough to be hired after a week of his interview. *cries*

Well, I'm "quite" happy that he's here since I'm not a waetoriya (loner) anymore but I feel like I'm not comfortable sharing an apartment with someone after a long time. Another thing is, since we're blood type O, we're both messy and there are times that I feel like it's suffocating already. Hahahaha. Kuya and I gets along well but I scratch my head very hard whenever he asks me about some directions here in Manila. For 2 weeks already, we've toured Metro Manila but he can't even remember those places we went. Worse, I already taught him how to commute from this place to our apartment but can't remember a single thing. Gahd, it was a hard task to make him remember those places I pointed him. -_________- Haha, my girl cousin was way better than him in terms of commuting or going to places she's unfamiliar with, alone. (I think this became a rant entry already. HAHAHA) Another thing that pisses me aside from his sense of direction was his sense of closeness. (Lemme explain. Example: "Uy Lhea, anlapit lang pala ng Eastwood dito." And I was like "WTH with malapit??") Well, I know he's not that familiar with some places here in Manila but whenever I accompany him, he doesn't make the effort to know the places we're going to, the jeeps we've been riding, or the area we dropped off. There was also a time when I already got off the jeep and then he's still there sitting, not noticing that I already went off the jeepney. That was a facepalm moment. -_______- I hope he'll improve his sense of direction, commuting skills and manners when he starts his training this Monday. Well atleast I could work on my applications already :)

Last Monday, I already got my certificates at Lung Center of the Philippines and I was ranked 19 in our batch. Originally, I've been eyeing the top 10, but since I had 6 absences and had a not-so good impression with the Division Chief (which later on changed when she observed that I'm an enthusiastic kid, and that single absence in our seminar[which caused a big ruckus in our batch] doesn't define me as a nurse trainee and as a person. Well, her blood pressure went up because of me when I asked her why she only pointed us when there were other kids that was absent since the start of our seminars, and worse, faked that they attended the seminar! [Haha, I know I have a point, so why not defend it?]), I expected that I will be on the average pack. It kinda surprised me that the staff nurses and the head nurses gave me good grades during our exposures in the  wards. Ugh, I only spent my summer in the hospital (training) and at home (sleeping). I could'nt imagine how boring it is just to go home and sleep then wake up just to attend your duty. Well, that's a nurse life. #dealwithit.

Moving on, after 3 months of delay (we've finished our manuscript last May and was checked by the panelists for more than a month [longer than the period I stayed in Palawan]), our thesis was already printed and bookbind. Well, before those printing and bookbinding happened, I've met with Cyruz at Infinitea to compile our thesis, then found out that the bibliography was missing. Well, after what happened in our early thesis days, I had this phobia whenever I do "palpak" things around him. I feel like he would scold me like a dad anytime. Well, I'm scared of how his voice would go down. Good thing I  found in in my mail. After we got our certificates, he already began laughing and I was relieved that he would never be pissed again. Hahaha. Actually I'm scared of him more than my dad. gahd, I'm scared on someone who's 6 months younger than me. Err #medyonakakahiya.

These days, I'm LSS with Super Junior's Mamacita. Hahaha, I know you'd hate me if I'll write things about them in detail here. I became a fan of SuJu because of Heechul since there were vids on Youtube where FT Island's Lee Hong Ki talked about him and I watched some of his vids as a SuJu member then later on went hooked with his drama, Flower Grandpa Investigative Team. After that, I became interested with their group and watched their variety shows. I'm familiar with their song, Sorry Sorry, since I heard them in college and there were a lot of people dancing it before. Haha, I was also able to danced a bit of it for our health teaching program. Then, Heechul became my bias (favorite), then later I had an eye on Siwon (I don't usually like looking on someone's abs, but his were reaaaally distraaaaactiiiiing!), Leeteuk (we had the same personlity, well uh, leeteuk+heechul), and Sungmin (he's sooooo cute whenever he's doing some aegyo, which also reminds me of FT's Minhwan). Everyone in the group has good singing voices but I'd say that Kyuhyun, Ryeowook, and Yesung has the best voices. I'd add Sungmin also since he's a musical actor (obviously he could sing), and Heechul (whose voice will bring you back to 80's or 90's. His voice fits well in love songs and ballads). :)

Any, my wrist is aching already so I need to end this here. I'll update you soon guys!