Blurred future

I've been in a deep dilemma in regards to work and future after I arrived here in Puerto. You know me, dilemmas love to stick with me.

Dilemma #1: Well, a friend of mine opened again the idea of me applying for a hospital in Manila again (and thinking about it again made me remember my countless "pending" applications in some hospitals there). I tried to be cool about it since I won't have anything to lose if I won't get accepted in that hospital for the 2nd time (my first application there is still PENDING) since I still have my work here in the province (but honestly, I really want to work there). 

Dilemma #2: Then, when my IELTS exam results were released last night and I tried to assess my scores and qualifications online, it didn't met with the criteria of CIC, which made me me a bit disappointed.

Dilemma #3: To make up for the disappointment, I looked up for some instructions on how to apply for New York's State Board. Gahd, the entire processing will cost me an entire fortune. My savings can only equate for a hundred bucks, and that's isn't enough to pay for all the processing fees. Who would've thought that instead for looking for a job, you'll end up spending all your money, and that is just for the verification and authentication of your acad papers. Ughh.

Honestly, I kinda feel that I'm such in a hurry to move out of the country. I have my reasons why I wanted to leave, but I think it would take years for me to do so.

Now, my contractual work in the hospital seems to come to an end. I dunno, but it seems like that (even though I would be transferred to OR/PACU by next month). By June, it's a whole new battle for promotions and I really really dunno if I should apply for Nurse 1 or not. Being a Nurse 1 has a lot of pros, including a raise in my salary, but I don't feel like I'm at par for a Nurse 1 position. I'm still on my 4th month yet I'm vying for a higher position already. I don't seem fine about it. All I'm thinking was the raise in salary, but my qualifications? Na-ah. I don't think so.In addition, regular employees can't easily file their leave! HAHAHA. I'm planning to return to Manila by November!!! XD

Any, I was thinking of a back-up plan in case that my contract would end during the promotions period (or if I won't apply for a regular position aka Nurse 1). And the only thing that's on my mind is applying again in Manila. Ugh, Sorry, I have a lot in my mind and I can't sort it out that well.

I dunno if you, dear reader, would understand everything that I wrote. But lemme tell you, these kind of dilemmas are prevalent among nurses. Ugh, I think I would sort these things out when I get to know about our meeting's agenda (they would surely touch the topic about

 us contractual nurses), and when Mommy arrives from US. Any, I would still send my papers to my friend, whatever happens. And, maybe I should sleep all these disappointments firsts. Honestly, I want to process my papers already but I happened to be here in the province, and that I could only do as much, Ughhhhh!

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Thanks Spotify for accompanying me. Haha

Boiling point

These past few months was all about working, and I didn't even have time to have fun. My fatigue from my 8-hour shift is what keeps me at home for the next 16 hours. Well, all I have to do is eat and sleep for the next few hours, and go to work again.

Physical fatigue wears off after a long sleep, and good home environment, of course. But this time, when mental fatigue and household issues combines its wrath, it's unleashing the beast in me that was hibernating for a very long time.  I didn't know that I had this in me.

I've lived alone for years in Manila, away from family. When dealing with problems, may it be household, or personal issues, I deal it through thinking and silence. But living independently and going back to living with your family again isn't as easy as I imagined. I've lived with lola for a long time, until I studied college. Unluckily, I still have to deal with another person whom we need to take care of the household chores. I didn't had issues with our former househelps since I've lived with them since I was a kid. Recently, Lola got a new househelp who's younger than me. I didn't mind it at all for the entire month until this week.

It may be as simple as it may seem but the fact that made me reaaally mad was when I found out that my favorite top was totally stained by a blanket that was soaked for days with the former. I'm a person who's not fond of buying new ones and taking care of my clothes by washing it well, even if it takes me forever to finish it. Another thing that made me explode was that it wasn't even cheap. After few days, I've calmed and took the fact that I can't use it again. And now, after folding my clothes for my flight next week, I found out that my another top was also stained. Oh geez, I had enough.

I sound childish, but heck, I deeply value all the things that I have. Mommy even called me when she heard that I was really mad about one shirt, and she promised to buy me another one but I refused. I don't think at anything would easily be replaced just like that. It's funny that I always develop strong attachment to a place (like my apartment), a dress (my 2 ruined tops), and even the tiniest things. She told me that I should get over it because it already happened ( and I answered that it wouldn't have happened if it was washed carefully), and there are things that doesn't go on the way we like. She then mentioned about frustrations, and that's when I started crying and argued my point. Oh yeah, I had a lot of frustrations like not being able to work where I like, being stucked again here in the province, and not being able to enjoy my youth because things seems to be incomplete. I faced those frustrations like a matured person and accepted the fact that I will never get to work where I want, that I'll be stucked here in the province, and that I won't be able to enjoy the things that I want because I'm stucked in a place where all you gonna think everyday is always work. (Fine, I'll exclude how it was working in a hospital everyday.) I moved on with those frustrations and lived my life, but it seems like the much little things can make me crash those solid walls. You won't imagine the fury when I totally get angry. These past few years, I rarely get angry and I hate being angry because it takes time for me to entirely calm myself and it stresses me out, to the point that I want to sleep for weeks.

I'm not supposed to post this here because it would definitely ruin my image as a cheerful person, but I don't care anymore. It's much better that you'd let people realize that each one of us has this kid of character too. These past few days, I thought that my character is getting worse, day by day. I guess it wasn't bad to be "bad" at times when you had enough already. I'm done being the one who understands, and makes rationalization why things go that way. You may think that it's refreshing for something to finally explode, but after that explosion, we definitely get stressed too.

Fine, I've talked so much and you'll realize that I will always be childish for being upset on such simple things. You may not be able to understand why I'm like this, but soon, you'll find out yourself.

감사합니다

Being a nurse working in a public hospital is no easy job. I had it the hard way when I first had my duty since I'm the only bedside nurse (apart from the charge nurse) who's in charge of 24 patients, which sometimes balloons up to forty and occupies even the hallways of the hospital. Even though it sounds tiring and anybody who wants to be a nurse will avoid working in a public hospital, I've learned a lot of things there and made me appreciate simple acts.


We happened to have a patient who had a seizure when we're doing our rounds. For us, it was like oh-yeah-toxic-shift-again scenario, and did the usual thing to help our patient. It was not a good graveyard shift for us and we're up all night to do our job. I was a bit surprised when our patient's daughter showed up at the station holding 2 cups of coffee. We may have our own coffees but the fact that the daughter showed her gratefulness thru those cups of coffee touched us. We just did what we're supposed to do,and she appreciated it. Right before they were discharged, they gave our charge nurse some food to show their appreciation. Too bad that it was my off day since they also want to thank me personally.


Being in a public hospital in my own province means a lot to me because I feel like Im giving back to the people who really needs help. Even though I still want to work in Manila, it's also good that I started my career here in the province, same with mommy who serves as my idol. I've seen a lot of scenarios where people cries because of their loved ones, and patients who goes out in the hospital fully recovered. Stress aside, I think I'm destined to be a nurse, and right now, I can't think any other career for me apart from nursing. I know that this is what I want to do til I get old. :)

Hey you!

Hello my dearest blog, sorry for not updating you always since my life was really bland these past few months and I felt like a decaying matter inside my apartmenr. Although I have a lot of things to share, please give me some space to share my feelings.
If you happen to read my past entries, it's been a long time since I had friendship-related hanash, so please bear with me since I really have to let it out even though I might regret it soon.
~Hello my dear friend, it wasn't that long ago when I officially reconnected (??) my ties with you. And before our recent meeting, we also bonded with our other friends somewhere. It seems to me that things are quite okay for me now, and that I won't have to deal with awkwardness anymore. But recently, my actions in our recent meeting made quite a misunderstanding for the people around us. I was really passive that night, not in my usual happy self, and avoided a lot of people. I may have avoided other people but not you since we also happened to talk before I went out to have my "me-time." To tell you honestly, I don't want my "me-time" to be a big thing. I don't want to explain anymore why I wanted to read my book more than going out and spend socializing with the kids. What I've done may be deemed as rude if I was with a parent that time, but I think I've never done wrong by just lying on the couch and read the entire night. Okay, I wrote and explained too long about my me-time, and I know you wouldn't even care. Well, boys are boys. Moving on, the next thing that happened was the one that made me feel like a beaten warrior. (And yuck, it's kinda exaggerated tho.) You were there when everything was happening. Yes, as my usual self, I laughed it off, but deep inside, I wasn't really happy. At some point, I asked myself if it was a big mistake that I was too honest with my feelings then, or if I was too carefree to just let people make me look like a fool in front of you. (I'm not mad with those people , but with what they did.) Despite of every word that were bombed to me, you're more of an invisible person more than a spectator. And then friendship comes in. After all the teasing (some are friendly, mild, vut there are also extreme and offending ones), you never attempted to utter a single word, not even trying to stop those things, or defending me. Honestly, that really hurted me. All these time, I took it alone, but when you're there listening, I felt more alone and helpless. And then I asked myself, "Are you a real friend?" I never had any memories of you trying to defend me. I never asked you to do it, but I hope it crossed your mind that I also needed help. I may seem strong, but it doesn't mean I'm strong all the time. There was a part of me saying that you just kept your mouth shut because you don't want to be dragged to my place. But I hope you were sensitive  enough that time. I'm writing this rant entry not as a person who liked you before, but as a troubled friend who sometimes need a person to stand up for her. There were a lot of girls who were in a situation like me, and you even know them. I hope that if ever it happens to someone you know, be that person who will defend them and make them feel that what they used to "feel" isn't a bad thing, or something to be mocked, or making fun of. I doubt if this thing will ever cross your mind, and knowing the male species, this will never ever cross your mind. Even though I wanted you to read this, but it's too late already. Since I'll be moving to another place, it will might take us years before we meet again. I hope you had erased the past image of myself as a giddy college girl who secretly liked you (yeah, it was really embarassing typing it here). I hope that when we meet again, you'll play things cooly (like I pretended I'm doing), than being what you just did all these time.
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If you're an avid reader (oh yes avid reader-slash-advo blogger), you'll definitely know who I'm talking about, and how weird and disorganized (in terms of thought) my entries are.
I'll post some good news soon. Kbye.

Annyeong!

('Cause I can't think of a decent title.)

I'm a bit surprised that there are some people who are still visiting my blog. Sorry guys if I'm not posting any "juicy" entries here since my life has been bland these days. Well, my life has been very bland since I graduated, and blame it to my unemployment. -______-

I've been very busy these past few weeks as my cousin's alalay. I've been accompanying him to his interviews, and then after he was hired, I still served as his alalay from getting his NBI clearance to completing some of his requirements for his job. He was lucky enough to be hired after a week of his interview. *cries*

Well, I'm "quite" happy that he's here since I'm not a waetoriya (loner) anymore but I feel like I'm not comfortable sharing an apartment with someone after a long time. Another thing is, since we're blood type O, we're both messy and there are times that I feel like it's suffocating already. Hahahaha. Kuya and I gets along well but I scratch my head very hard whenever he asks me about some directions here in Manila. For 2 weeks already, we've toured Metro Manila but he can't even remember those places we went. Worse, I already taught him how to commute from this place to our apartment but can't remember a single thing. Gahd, it was a hard task to make him remember those places I pointed him. -_________- Haha, my girl cousin was way better than him in terms of commuting or going to places she's unfamiliar with, alone. (I think this became a rant entry already. HAHAHA) Another thing that pisses me aside from his sense of direction was his sense of closeness. (Lemme explain. Example: "Uy Lhea, anlapit lang pala ng Eastwood dito." And I was like "WTH with malapit??") Well, I know he's not that familiar with some places here in Manila but whenever I accompany him, he doesn't make the effort to know the places we're going to, the jeeps we've been riding, or the area we dropped off. There was also a time when I already got off the jeep and then he's still there sitting, not noticing that I already went off the jeepney. That was a facepalm moment. -_______- I hope he'll improve his sense of direction, commuting skills and manners when he starts his training this Monday. Well atleast I could work on my applications already :)

Last Monday, I already got my certificates at Lung Center of the Philippines and I was ranked 19 in our batch. Originally, I've been eyeing the top 10, but since I had 6 absences and had a not-so good impression with the Division Chief (which later on changed when she observed that I'm an enthusiastic kid, and that single absence in our seminar[which caused a big ruckus in our batch] doesn't define me as a nurse trainee and as a person. Well, her blood pressure went up because of me when I asked her why she only pointed us when there were other kids that was absent since the start of our seminars, and worse, faked that they attended the seminar! [Haha, I know I have a point, so why not defend it?]), I expected that I will be on the average pack. It kinda surprised me that the staff nurses and the head nurses gave me good grades during our exposures in the  wards. Ugh, I only spent my summer in the hospital (training) and at home (sleeping). I could'nt imagine how boring it is just to go home and sleep then wake up just to attend your duty. Well, that's a nurse life. #dealwithit.

Moving on, after 3 months of delay (we've finished our manuscript last May and was checked by the panelists for more than a month [longer than the period I stayed in Palawan]), our thesis was already printed and bookbind. Well, before those printing and bookbinding happened, I've met with Cyruz at Infinitea to compile our thesis, then found out that the bibliography was missing. Well, after what happened in our early thesis days, I had this phobia whenever I do "palpak" things around him. I feel like he would scold me like a dad anytime. Well, I'm scared of how his voice would go down. Good thing I  found in in my mail. After we got our certificates, he already began laughing and I was relieved that he would never be pissed again. Hahaha. Actually I'm scared of him more than my dad. gahd, I'm scared on someone who's 6 months younger than me. Err #medyonakakahiya.

These days, I'm LSS with Super Junior's Mamacita. Hahaha, I know you'd hate me if I'll write things about them in detail here. I became a fan of SuJu because of Heechul since there were vids on Youtube where FT Island's Lee Hong Ki talked about him and I watched some of his vids as a SuJu member then later on went hooked with his drama, Flower Grandpa Investigative Team. After that, I became interested with their group and watched their variety shows. I'm familiar with their song, Sorry Sorry, since I heard them in college and there were a lot of people dancing it before. Haha, I was also able to danced a bit of it for our health teaching program. Then, Heechul became my bias (favorite), then later I had an eye on Siwon (I don't usually like looking on someone's abs, but his were reaaaally distraaaaactiiiiing!), Leeteuk (we had the same personlity, well uh, leeteuk+heechul), and Sungmin (he's sooooo cute whenever he's doing some aegyo, which also reminds me of FT's Minhwan). Everyone in the group has good singing voices but I'd say that Kyuhyun, Ryeowook, and Yesung has the best voices. I'd add Sungmin also since he's a musical actor (obviously he could sing), and Heechul (whose voice will bring you back to 80's or 90's. His voice fits well in love songs and ballads). :)

Any, my wrist is aching already so I need to end this here. I'll update you soon guys!

Extra Challenge

"God gives the toughest battles to its strongest warriors."

In my entire life, I've been through a lot of health problems, like asthma, heart disease, and now, a health problem that might take me anytime soon. Well, it's not yet confirmed if what was the sickness that I have right now, but I know where this is heading. I'm afraid that this will hamper the life I've been dreaming of, and will cause a lot of sadness and sacrifices for me and my family. This sounds like I'm overacting but I'm really scared on what will happen in the future. I've never been scared like this before.

I haven't told Lola and Papa about this, but Mommy and Kuya already knew since I was talking to them when I found about "this." (To clear this up, I'm not pregnant.) I'll be having a check up this coming week and have some lab tests to see if this is really what I'm suspecting. I'm a nurse and I can already tell if something is happening to my body. I already researched about the problem that I'm suspecting and currently taking some measures.

 I feel like God is really testing me to my limits since I was born until I reached this age. I dunno what he's up to but I know he has great plans for me even though I'm also afraid that his "plans" might not be materialized because of this challenge he has given me. I don't know what to do now since there's a lot of things that are clouding up my mind. Honestly, I have only one person in mind whom I want to talk to right now, but unfortunately, I won't be able to hear her advice.

Think positive Lhea! Kaya mo yan!

I'm back.. again

I'm back! Sorry for my whole month of silence since I'm just too tired of writing these past few weeks. (I'm currently writing for a sports site this UAAP season.) I just went back from Palawan, two Fridays ago. Well, my lola was sent to the hospital last June 16 and I flew immediately there last June 18. Luckily, my Lola recovered very fast after a week in the hospital. Haha, my family knows my mere presence can already cure Lola's sickness :))

I was already planning to go to Palawan after my training but Lola asked me to stay here in Manila instead. But since unfortunate events are inevitable, so I easily went there after less than a day of preparation. (You gotta follow Mommy's orders) When I arrived, I never left the hospital. Haha, Lola's room was reaaaally comfortable. (Suite room it is!) Aside from that, I enjoyed sleeping (during morning and afternoon) and watching animes, KPop-related shows, and alien-related documentaries :))

I missed being a nurse during my entire stay in the hospital. And yes, I regulate her IV pump sometimes, change her diapers, carry her commode, and prepare her food. It feels good to serve your grandmother specially during the times when she needs you the most. I felt like I served my former granny patients better than her.

During my vacation last year, she asked me to stay there for good but I declined since I felt that I will have a better future here in the city, but last month, I thought that it would be much better if I just went back to the province. Honestly, I already decided that if things won't work out well here in Manila, then I'll go back to my simple life in Palawan. It would be much better if I will stay by my grandmother's side now that she's getting older. I also don't want to leave her because I do miss her every single day.

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I can't finish this entry. T.T