Will. Drive. Motivation.

These days, I feel like dragging myself to work. I just want to be on my bed the entire day and sleep. When I'm at work, I can't wait for my 2 days off so that I could rest my heavily battered self.

Sometimes I feel so lazy about going to work. There are times that I regret taking up this profession. I could've chose a course that will make me work in an office, not in a hospital where every seconds matters. I should've chose to be an accountant just like my mom so that I'll be working in an office setting (but lola said that I won't even be an accountant in my dreams because I'm so bad in mathematics). I'm losing a bit of my drive because of the current work conditions that I'm experiencing. (I know that I'll have to deal much worse that what I'm experiencing right now.)

Personal drive, will, inspiration: That's what I'm lacking right now. Honestly speaking, that's where I gather my strength, but the absence of it makes me a weak. Well, I'm losing it right now as you predicted. I'm a person who gets motivation from my surrounding, but loses it when I have nothing to get out of it. I guess I'll get motivated or inspired again once I try to apply for work abroad. You must be saying that I should get my motivation to do well at work bu thinking about going abroad, well, it doesn't work that way.


Well, my thoughts is a mess right now. I can't pit this post into a complete conclusion. Bye

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Bad bad bad bad bad bad girl

Mommy had just called and after a long while, our conversation ended up on my controversial stained clothes and then spewing out some discontentment at home. So here, lemme just enumerate some bad traits I really can’t erase.

1. Sharp tongue

I guess I was really born with this unusual sharp tongue that I most likely had inherited from my mother, who was the queen of sharp tongue in our family. Honestly, I don’t throw out some sharp words to people face to face since I do worry if they get offended. But once I spill out my disappointments to other people, that’s when you get stabbed by my words especially when I say it in my dialect. Hahaha. As of now, I’m so disappointed in some of my relatives who doesn’t make logical judgment, and just go with the first thing that comes into their minds. Was it that hard to refrain for a while and think well? They’re also so sensitive that it irks me so much. Like what I have done could totally kill, when in fact that I know what I’m doing because I studied it for almost ¼ of my life. Ugh.

2. The girl who can’t be moved

Sorry, this isn’t a hugot thing really. I can’t remember whether I posted something about my stained clothes that was my total favorite, and then the same thing happened when a top of mine got stained after the first time I wore it. Well, it been months since those things happened and I can’t seem to move on. I treasure my clothes so much since I don’t usually buy new ones that often. Mommy told me that I should let go of the little things. I easily let go other things except from those clothes I loved. Idk, am I that possessive or what? I hope I’d let go of it but I’m pretty sure the road that I have to take isn’t that easy.

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Let's just say that I'm losing a lot of weight during my stay in the ER but the experience is amazing except the fact that you can't escape problems that comes with your work. I can't really enumerate the problems that I've encountered, but some of them really left a mark and almost made my heart explode and provoke seizure.

There was a time that I answered a referral phone and I failed to hand it over to our ROD, and since then I vowed not to lift that damn phone again since it almost got me into trouble. Hahaha, we had a truckload of referrals that day and the ER was so jam-packed that CO2 is all that we're breathing. Another one was my failed ecg, and the leads aren't helping since it's not attaching well on our old lady patient. Well, might be the sagging skin tho. Another one was the CS patient that I had to prepare for a short time, and the preeclamptic patient that I had to endorse to ward even past my shift. Lastly, the damn thermometer that made me get into a fight with our NA. I was so annoyed that she has to repeat the whole damn thing over and over again. It was so early then, but my patience is running low already. And oh, addendum: I was a bit pissed yesterday when our ROD didnt even bothered to take the referral call and just let me blurt out or ask anything regarding the referral I dont even know. Ugh, how I hate the hoobae-sunbae thingy. I looked dumb during the phone call, and I dunno if the other line noticed how dumb my questions were.

Honestly, I can't say if I'm really learning, but I think I'm getting there? I'm not that confident yet when it comes to ER setup but i hope I'd learn more. Good luck to meeeee!!!!!!

I want to work to a bigger hospital to see if I did really learned, improved, or not. Seriously, I felt like I performed well during my training than now.

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Welcome to ER

It's been two days since I stepped on ER. Actually, I think I wasn't ready yet to be an ER nurse since I feel that I'm not yet that knowledgeable when it comes to emergency situations. Good thing, my co-nurses are really helpful that they assists me whenever I'm doing something. So far, I'm enjoying my work and hopefully I'll do much better in the next few days.

Moving on, I had a very toxic shift last night since we had a so-called childrens party, assault/mauling kemps with a bit of husband and wife LQ, and VA galore. Good thing I survived the wave of patients last night, huhuhu. I also want to thank our RODs for being funny enough to make us forget the toxicness that we went through.

I'm adjusting well so far but I can't help but get nervous when I'm admitting patients to wards, especially when I'm endorsing to quite intimidating co-nurses. Hahaha. I feel like I'd mess up and get yelled up in no time if I happen to forget something. I'm also having a hard time to do charting. Huhuhuhuuuuu! I guess I need to practice more in regards to that.

And lastly, I miss OR so much, including Sir Carlo. Hihi. Kbye!

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Rocks..

I went through a lot of work-related difficulties last week, that I had to unleash my frustrations at home, and that leaves me nowhere to go.

Honestly, after I learned that my contract has ended, I was so ecstatic to return to Manila to pursue my career there, but then, even though I already want to let go of my job (since heck yeah, my contract's done, so I'm gonna leave), the hospital doesn't seem to let me go. I was totally mind-blown of how my contract has ended, and I wanted to leave ASAP, and the hospital is trying so hard to let me stay as far as they can do. Ugh, and as much as I wanted to say that I'll be leaving, I can't find any reasons since it'll make me swallow everything I said during the interview. (Note to self: Don't you ever again impress other people so much during interviews, they'll expect so much and glue their eyes on you in everything that you do.) I went back to HR just to clarify things but it seemed that I was asking them to help me to remain in the hospital even if it totally wasn't my intention.

Moving on, I'm temporarily hired for a month and I'll still be in PACU. I dunno by next month if I'll still be a temporary worker or not (meaning: not an employee anymore). By now, I'm already thinking about my reason to finally resign by next month. The first one: my parents wanted me to take NCLEX exam, or maybe my dad wants me to process some papers for immigration. Hahaha, sorry, I'm just good in making white lies.

I know the consequences of my plans, and I have a lot of things to sacrifice. Going back to Manila means living a much simpler life that what I had then and what I had here. Then, I have to make a living for myself, since Papa will have a hard time again financially (he knows how I spend), and I already started working for myself, so I have to be responsible enough. Applying for work there will take a loooong time, and more frustrations. I've been to numerous exams and interviews, but it seemed that I didn't passed at all.

Honestly, the feelings I had before is coming back again. Remember how hard it was for me to leave Manila in less than 2 weeks to prepare? Gahd, it was hard for me mentally and emotionally, but I had to face it like a real adult since leaving will be a constant part of my life by the next few years. Now, it's a bit hard for me to leave since I got used to live with Lola again. Yeah, there were times that I get annoyed with her, and she gets annoyed with me, but in the end, we do still care for each other. We're both stubborn people who has a terrifying temper. Living alone again will be hard for me again.

I know that my problem is much simpler than what other people are experiencing. I guess I have to live my life one step at a time, but thinking in advance won't hurt, right? Failing to prepare is preparing to fail (?????). I asked God if this happening is a signal to me that I should do something with my life. I mean, even though I'm already working, I'm still backed by Lola (hey, how can you live by yourself with a low salary like mine??? #governmenthospitalproblems) in everything that I need. Well, there are some kids that still lives with their parents, and the house bills are still shouldered by their parents, and the kids just have to spend their salary to anything not related to montly bills (and, those kids probably save money, too). Btw, I need to test how far I can go by myself. If everything fails, my family will always be at my back. I know they want me to do well by myself, it's just that we are all not confident; me, not being confident that I can do it alone; and them, not being confident that i could live well by myself, including worrying about my safety.

Maybe I'll just wait for what will happen by next month...

Friendships at work: does that really work?

Hey! I recently transferred in PACU and honestly, I've been so stressed since then. I dunno really since I'd get to have patients off from OR, and I also help out in DR in terms of paper works. *Sigh* (Sorry, I couldn't really process my thoughts that's why I let out that sigh. I wanted to stick to my title but I can't since I have to make an introductory paragraph. Any, I'll just go straight to the point next time. No more format considerations.)

I recently realized that one of the reasons why I'm not enjoying my work so far is because of my lack of friends. Any, I can say that Mam Julie, Mam Faith and Mam Irene are the people I'm close with because they were my first workmates, and then Mam Reizel because were both talkative and loves girly stuff. But I think my relationship with them is more on the closeness in workplace level than the friendship that I'm thinking of. I guess, it's really that hard to find friends at work.

Honestly, since I came here I actually brought the attitude of a city girl (not generalizing) who's independent and doesn't mind to get to know people outside her circle (in short, not fond of introductions). Right now, I can make conversations with people since I've been assigned on Male Medical and OB Ward, and then transferring OR patients to Surgical Ward. But then, it's just general conversations and I have to consider the seniority of that person based on the position, age, and how long he/she is working there. Yeah, I do have a lot to mind whenever I talk to them. And then, I don't usually greet some of my co-workers whenever I meet them in the hallways. You may think that I'm the one to be blamed for not having friends, but hey, aside from the fact that I'm shy since I still feel like a newbie, but I don't really know them. I find it somewhat funny that the ER peeps in my new shift are friendly with me (Haha, I was friendly to the ER peeps in my past shift since one was a Cuyonon [we do endorsements in Cuyonon dialect, and the doctors go crazy with our out-of-this-word language], then I knew the other one during my interview). Earlier, one ER staff greeted me twice, calling me Lei/Lhea. (I dunno why people are calling me Lei. Haha, my Manila friends rarely call me in my real nickname. Fine, I should be thankful that even though I didn't tell them about the Lei thing, they still call me that.) Actually, he resembles a bit like my former classmate, Patrick, whenever he's wearing glasses. And I was surprised yesterday that Ana Marie's in Surgical Ward. Quite thankful that Mam Diana and I were not the only FEU kids anymore. FEU-IN represent!!! In the OR Team, my fellow nurses are Mam Che and Sir Cyrus. Sir Cyrus is like a big brother to me because he teaches me how to do charting when it comes to DR cases (sareeh, it's currently my weakness. I still have a lot to learn. I'm in a newbie slump), and checks on me whenever I find something difficult. While Mam Che, she looks quite serious (more like a serious kid since she's not that tall, and she looks young), but she gives me a lot of advices recently. I guess we'll grow closer soon when I get to familiarize myself with everything, well, more since I learned that she's also a book lover. Maybe I should try to buy the books she recommended me.

Moving on, why do you think I made this entry? By just reading what I typed above, I'm not totally friendless, it's just like I have friends in a work level, but not the kind of friendship that you know I'm looking for. If you're an Advo kid, you know you'd totally understand me. I guess I can't move on with the kind of friendship I had in college. The kind of friendship that goes beyond the organization. In Advo, we learned how to work professionally and be the best-est siblings/friends at the same time. I know real life is different, but what I had in Advo can even be possible? I hope so. There are times that I wasn't too enthusiastic in going to work, unlike going to school where I can meet my friends in the classroom and my orgmates afterwards. Having lack of friends here means lesser girl talk (girl talk, regardless who I'm talking with) to none. I mean, even if I share it to Lola, she will just hear me out, but she will not be able to empathize with me at all. Me and Ate Princess isn't at a level where we could talk hospital-related things because, again, she can't empathize with me. That's where a friend at work comes in, because you can empathize with each other.

Looking at my quest to friendship at work, I don't actually make it obvious since I'm being careful with the way I act. There's a lot of things inside the hospital that can't be spilled out, even to your own family. Being able to hear things from different people, you can get hate easily by doing no wrong, or having jealous fellows around. Actually, that's what I'm avoiding right now, especially that promotions is just around the corner and I don't even want to apply for Nurse 1 because of the hate I would get even if I pass or not. Like what I said in my previous post, I don't seem that I'm at par with Nurse 1 position, and I just want to be promoted since I want to get a raise in my salary. (I. NEED. MONEY) Any, even though I don't see myself as a Nurse 1 material, then I'll let the higher ups to decide it for me. Hahahaha. Mommy was telling me to go for it (when it comes to opportunities like this, Mommy rarely says no) even though I don't feel like it.

Going back to the topic, a fellow staff from OR pointed out that maybe the reason that I don't have bosom friends in the hospital is because of my lack of batchmates/age-mates (is it even correct?). I think she's right since I don't usually call someone by name (except Ana Leah [from Cuyo], and Ana Marie [fellow Tam and from a younger batch]), and everyone tends to be older than me, so yeah (the feeling sucks). I feel like we're so strict with the Mam/Sir thing actually. Whenever I think of my PGCPN training, we all call our co-trainees by its first name. Some of us might be older, but we treat and call ourselves equal. How I wish it's like that since having friendships is easier and much natural that way. Me and my co-trainees bond during our free time and in-between breaks, but here, naaah. I guess, I have to live the way they are since I'm already stuck here. I'm really dying to find a way out here, work in Manila, then live independently (minus the help of my own big 3: Papa, Lola, Mommy). I hope I can, since they won't let me live there anymore if I can't live on my own off my own salary. Phew. (I'll make another entry soon).

I guess I'm so preoccupied of finding friendships when I arrived here. I think it's now something to be forced, and it should come naturally. If I won't be able to find something like that, I should just flourish the kind of friendship I left in Manila; that I should keep working on it despite the distance and make them feel that I never really left.

Blurred future

I've been in a deep dilemma in regards to work and future after I arrived here in Puerto. You know me, dilemmas love to stick with me.

Dilemma #1: Well, a friend of mine opened again the idea of me applying for a hospital in Manila again (and thinking about it again made me remember my countless "pending" applications in some hospitals there). I tried to be cool about it since I won't have anything to lose if I won't get accepted in that hospital for the 2nd time (my first application there is still PENDING) since I still have my work here in the province (but honestly, I really want to work there). 

Dilemma #2: Then, when my IELTS exam results were released last night and I tried to assess my scores and qualifications online, it didn't met with the criteria of CIC, which made me me a bit disappointed.

Dilemma #3: To make up for the disappointment, I looked up for some instructions on how to apply for New York's State Board. Gahd, the entire processing will cost me an entire fortune. My savings can only equate for a hundred bucks, and that's isn't enough to pay for all the processing fees. Who would've thought that instead for looking for a job, you'll end up spending all your money, and that is just for the verification and authentication of your acad papers. Ughh.

Honestly, I kinda feel that I'm such in a hurry to move out of the country. I have my reasons why I wanted to leave, but I think it would take years for me to do so.

Now, my contractual work in the hospital seems to come to an end. I dunno, but it seems like that (even though I would be transferred to OR/PACU by next month). By June, it's a whole new battle for promotions and I really really dunno if I should apply for Nurse 1 or not. Being a Nurse 1 has a lot of pros, including a raise in my salary, but I don't feel like I'm at par for a Nurse 1 position. I'm still on my 4th month yet I'm vying for a higher position already. I don't seem fine about it. All I'm thinking was the raise in salary, but my qualifications? Na-ah. I don't think so.In addition, regular employees can't easily file their leave! HAHAHA. I'm planning to return to Manila by November!!! XD

Any, I was thinking of a back-up plan in case that my contract would end during the promotions period (or if I won't apply for a regular position aka Nurse 1). And the only thing that's on my mind is applying again in Manila. Ugh, Sorry, I have a lot in my mind and I can't sort it out that well.

I dunno if you, dear reader, would understand everything that I wrote. But lemme tell you, these kind of dilemmas are prevalent among nurses. Ugh, I think I would sort these things out when I get to know about our meeting's agenda (they would surely touch the topic about

 us contractual nurses), and when Mommy arrives from US. Any, I would still send my papers to my friend, whatever happens. And, maybe I should sleep all these disappointments firsts. Honestly, I want to process my papers already but I happened to be here in the province, and that I could only do as much, Ughhhhh!

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Thanks Spotify for accompanying me. Haha