Thoughts of a "future" mom

I've been thinking about my future kids most of the time these days. I don't know if I am that excited to be a parent at this age, or maybe because I'll be turning 21 this Thursday. The thought about it eats a big part of  my time (aside from surfing the net).

Since I am a frustrated athlete in my younger days, I want my kids to develop the talent that I failed to have. My father's side were all athletic people, and most of my cousins play basketball and volleyball for their respective schools and even reached Palarong Pambansa during their days. Well, it's such a pity that I grew up as a sickly person, and that my mother's side is not that supportive in terms of sports. Instead, they're more inclined to academics, and that resulted to my mama, mommy, and uncles to be non-athletic people yet excelled in their studies. (Mommy was a salutatorian and Mama was a 1st Honorable Mention.) I know that acads and sports can be worked together, but unfortunately, some things didn't worked out for me. *sigh* I was asked by my preschool teacher to take piano classes when I was in Nursery because I used to sing well before (singing well as a kid differs from singing well as an adult). She felt like music will be my forte. Too bad I was a lazy kid during weekends and vacation days that I'd rather watch TV all day, lock myself in my room , play dress up, act or speak in front of the mirror, and read tons of books silently. Well, I regret that I didn't took up those piano classes. TT

And because of what I mentioned above, I want my kids to be good both in sports, music, and acads. :) Some of my elder friends said that I sound like a soon-to-be stage mother, but I don't see myself as like that. I would be a very cool mom that will give my kids a lot of choices of  what they want to do, help them empower themselves and gather knowledge from those things I provide to them. Not everyone were given the chance to learn sports and music at a very young age. Those future kids of mine would be very lucky. (Well, before they'll be lucky, me and my future husband should really work hard to provide them all of that. Haha, my conversation with my BFF comes to mind :D)

For sports, I want them to learn how to play basketball, volleyball, and football. Those 3 sports were the popular ones and can be easily played everywhere. But I also want them to learn Judo or Taekwondo, for future self defense :)) I envy my other cousins who got to learn Taekwondo and Judo, too bad I was living in the island with my grandparents, and no one teaches about those sports.

In music, I want them to learn how to play the guitar, drums, violin and piano. Guitar is a very basic instrument, so it should be the first thing they need to practice and then the drums because they're both vital in a band. Haha, I'm also a frustrated drummer. :) Violin and piano, for me, are romantic kind of instruments. They kinda exude a different feeling when it is played. Violin reminds me of Hua Ze Lei. Hahahaha. My mom was a frustrated pianist. Even in her early thirties, she still studied piano. She was able to play only one song in her entire life, which is Unchained Melody. She wanted me to learn piano at an early age so that it won't be difficult for me when I grow but. But yeah, it looks like I took the same direction with my mom.

Honestly, even when I was only 9 years old then, I felt like I'm too old to learn how to play the piano, or learn Taekwondo, Judo, guitar, or even do gymnastics. I always think in advance, and I feel like I'm too old for some things, but it's not. A friend of mine studied guitar in HS, and I can hear him play his guitar from his bedroom (we're neighbors). At 21, my cousin just bought a guitar, and I was like  "She'll have a hard time learning since she's old to start learning about that instrument." I feel like it was just me who hinders myself to do what I want (I think this quote was already printed in Advo :P) In high school, I tried to join the Rondalla Club. I studied how to play banduria by myself, then I was accepted in my junior year. Learning how to play that instrument was an achievement already. I'm thankful with my HS alma mater because of the opportunities that they have for its students. Later on, from drum and lyre (dancing), we shifted to cheerdancing which also involved (a bit of) gymnastics. A 14-year old girl like me won't be that flexible compared to the younger kids who could bend their bodies like rubber. But since I'm in it already, no choice but to continue what I had started. I had the worst body ache I encountered in my entire life after our 1st practice! haha, I couldn't even get up on my bed. Gahd. Haha, for 2 years in the squad, I managed to do bending, a bit of split, and good jumps. I even had a flat tummy those days! Hahaha. I wanted my kids to experience various things that will be helpful for them.

Not that I feel burdened about the thought of having kids, but actually I'm really excited for my future. I'm excited to work and do well in my field so that my dream would be materialized. Haha, I may be too advanced in thinking about this kind of things, but it's much better that you already have a goal for yourself and your future family. In short, a good sense of direction.

Well that's the way it is

I have this aunt who always asks me whether I had a boyfriend before, but just like a song in repeat, I would always say that I don't have time for that.

Not that I'm happy being free, but I think I'm not yet ready to commit myself in things that I'm not sure yet. I don't want to grab any opportunities of having a man while putting my own freedom and selfish happiness on the line. Besides, I don't think that man is already around, keeping an eye on what I'm doing everyday. But if he's already eyeing me, he might be disappointed looking after a girl who's not even productive in the past few months. Well sorry, I'm not in a rush.

Going back, my aunt told me a lot of things about my high school days. Well, those high school stories I wasn't even able to hear. She told me that I had this one classmate/friend that I'm really close, he planned to court me during those days but turned off whenever I share stories about acads, and the burden of being an super active student to the nth level. Well, I don't think it's a loss. I was really focused in my studies before that everything I could utter were mostly about acads. It made me laugh how acads can turn off other people. He's not a loss anyway. Then, I also had this another close friend (as told by Tita) whom I was really close (Haha, I had a lot of close friends in HS), but didn't had the courage to speak up because I'm too focused with my goal to top our class. Hahaha, my aunt told me that I spoiled the chances of having a man during my teenage days. Well, I just laughed and jumped on another topic because I really can't stand it, and that I'm too annoyed talking about those things (especially my tita's way of speaking).

No, I'm not pressured to have a boyfriend these days. I still have a lot of problems that needs to be taken care of. And besides, I haven't prayed for it yet. :) My former bus seatmate told me that those kind of things should not only be wished, but most especially, it is prayed. I should pray for it whenever I'm ready. No need to rush, because I still have a long road to take. Sometimes, I do get annoyed when love lives are being brought up, especially when they start talking about my love life that I don't or should I say, I never had. (Well, I only had crush life.) I'll better talk about my KDrama oppas. Haha.

Hay, good thing I was able to post this one. I was really annoyed this past week. I feel like that topic was being repeated every minute. After a week-long thinking, I think I know who are those guys that my tita mentioned. Haha. They're really my close friends (though I wasn't able to talk to Friend #1 since 1st year college, and I lost contact with Friend #2 again).

Hahaha, I also had this thought of listing down those topics that I want to talk with other people because I'm tired of being annoyed. Well, avoiding other people might be OA already but if that's what's best, then I'll do it. Maybe I just need more time to be with myself, and to understand things better. I can't imagine if I already have a boyfriend in times that I act like this. Haha, he would never understand my way of thinking.

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Try again, smile again

Sometimes I try my best to keep myself calm even though I feel eaten up inside. I believe that when you show people that you easily get annoyed, you'll be tagged as a loser, or pikon. Honestly, I was teased as pikon when I was young but I was able to get over it while growing up. And then from pikon, it evolved as being defensive because I always explain about my actions. Since my New Year's Resolution, or should I say my goal is not to explain things anymore, I think I should just don't mind what other people may say about my actions, because I have my own reasons.

Recently, some of my friends felt that I've been avoiding them. Yes, I am avoiding them. There are times that I already feel tired of the teasing. Well yes, you can't erase teasing between friends but it's already tiring that those teasing doesn't even end even after my long hiatus. There's this one topic that they always bring up. Well, I actually don't wanna talk about it because of....reasons. Any, I would just end up as a loser anyway. If I react, they'll say that I haven't moved on with that. And if I don't react, they'll say I'm in denial. Honestly, I don't know where to position myself. To say that I'm affected with what they're saying is an understatement. They don't even understand a bit of my actions. I did my best to create a new world for myself, to get out of the world that confined me for years. I remember what my friend told me before, that I should live my life apart from them because in the end, we'll part ways.

I think a part of this dilemma should be blamed to me. I was an open book that anyone who's curious would be able to read, but I think it should be over now. There's nothing wrong with teasing other people, but one should be sensitive enough on when to start or end it. I'm going through some things that they do not know. They don't even know some things that causes me a great burden.

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*Try again and smile again is one of CNBLUE's songs. I dunno why I chose this as the title. Well, I always come up with a very random title anyway.

Thanks, no thanks

There are times that we refuse to accept the concern of other people. Not that we have a towering pride to accept it, but we feel like we don't need any of their concern, because yeah, we can get past to it.

I'm a the exact example of that kind of person in my second sentence. Sometimes, I'll just let those words of concern pass from my ear going out to my other ear and don't let any single word of that sentence I heard remain in my head.

I've been avoiding a certain person since last month. I unfollowed him/her in Facebook so that I won't see its updates in my news feed. I felt fine in the past weeks that I didn't had any words or photos of him/her in my news feed. Until tonight that I received a tweet asking me what happened with my eye. Upon reading that tweet, I didn't replied because I don't need to explain why my eye is a bit irritated. Another thing is, I'm avoiding him/her, so why ruin my own plan?

But then again, the story I've read (for the second time) this afternoon entered my mind. Friends would ask the other friend what he/she is feeling, because, he/she is his/her friend anyway. 

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*-----* means I don't know how to end this post.

What I don't understand about people

I've been itching for a long time already just  to post this one, yet I don't have the right words how to put it, even the title itself.

I'm an observant that won't even tell you straightly what I had seen with a certain person. It will take time for me to ponder about the "why's" of it. (Is "why's" grammatically correct?) There's a person online that I've known because of its "famous" connections. I didn't bothered to get close to her just to share with those "connections" but I follow her in some SNS just to get news about my crush through her updates. Moving on, I've read something that kinda tickled my inquisitive brain. "Why do you have to pose as a good person to some and a bad enemy to others if they won't agree with you?" Another thing is that she boasts about her connections and when other people asked about it and then she'll turn into an aggressive cat.

I know I sound like a kid asking about this, but can we just keep our cool? I understand that a lot of us have our own bad side, but can we not threaten them with our devilish side without knowing us. I think that why those people are being pre-judged because they pre-introduce themselves as a not-so good person when angered.

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Post-check up depression

I've encountered a lot of health check-ups since I was young. I was sickly then that's why I treated hospitals as my second home (and ships as my third because I always travel going to Puerto or Manila.). But yesterday (and up until now), I was really depressed with the result. I have a health problem that resurfaced after how many years. Since that problems was solved already, we focused our attention in my heart condition (this is serious, not a "heart-broken" kind of condition tho). But now, "that" problem it kinda hinders my plan to undergo training this upcoming March. I thought I was doing and feeling well but I'm not.

Honestly, I still think that my heart problem was worse than this because my cardiac muscles might get tired and eventually stop. I'm not depressed  or sad with the thought I might die because of this resurfaced problem, but it makes me worry on how I will work as a healthy medical practitioner.

But then again, no one beats prayers and faith in God. I've been through a lot of problems like this in the past though I had Nanay to accompany me to the doctor. But now, I have to face this all by myself. I'm too old to be accompanied by a parent or relative (haha, my dad isn't even here, and no relative is available to join me in the hospital). I guess I have to rely on my experiences on how to deal with this. This time, the tables have been turned. I'm the patient now, and I need to do what the doctors would ask me to do. Hay, we really need to take care of our health.

I'm planning to jog every morning whenever I'm not busy. I guess having a healthy lifestyle would really help. And how I wish I had a handsome nurse to take care of me. If there's no one available, then I'll just hire myself to  be my personal nurse. HAHAHAHA :)

Waiting

You don't challenge me to a waiting game because I can patiently wait, how long it will take. :D

Huhu, but it's different now because I'm dying to see that holy email from those hospitals that I applied. I keep on checking my mail everyday, hoping that someone would contact me about those job-related thingy but looks like I'm hopeless.

I called one of the first hospitals I applied to ask when will be the start of their Batch 1 training and the training officer answered that it will be on February 17. But, a trainee will be included if he/she received an email from him. Uhh, actually I haven't received any email from him regarding this month's training. I dunno whether I'll be happy or not since I prefer those hospitals which are near to my place. Any, that hospital was actually my first choice but... Haha, I can't tell why.

Another thing is, there's also a hospital that is 2 rides away from my place and their training will start by next month. I heard that not all their trainees are being absorbed, but I think I should still try. Malay mo diba? Any, I'll be finishing all my applications this week so that I will have a peaceful vacation this weekend with my cousins. Hundred Islands adventure, yaaaay!

Since I'm a bit frustrated with my current state, my tita told me that maybe my birthday gift will be the job I've been waiting for.


Christelle and Justine: Pati sa trabaho, pinaghihintay ka pa rin?



Hay. Buhay abanger (sa trabaho).