Pride yer pride chicken

 Me being Lhea is either ma-pride or walang pride at all. 

The tea here is, I haven't talked to a bestie for a couple of months now. Basically, it's him who's never saying a word to me, and I'm just here waiting for a move because I know what he's actually up to. Funny enough, his tactics is very much familiar: not messaging, but watching my IG stories; AKA orbiting. TBF, I don't do that kind of stuff. 😅 I've avoided looking at his IG stories or dropping any message at all. Christmas and New Year has passed and I've never heard anything from this person. Oh well, maybe I won't hear anything as well til my birthday since he probably won't remember it at all.

Quick throwback to where it all started, it was when I didn't attend his birthday. I got all the reasons not to be there, and I'm glad I didn't. I want to list all reasons here, but I just don't wanna be the odd one in the sea of his partner's friends. (and knowing that I won't be a welcome guest there). I had a rough day and generally bad week then. I failed my exam, my interview for promotion, and I wasn't in a celebratory mood. I was in London to attend his birthday, but I don't wanna be in an area where a person who literally finished his isolation is already out and partying. Na-ah. Another thing is, the celebration was just a mess, no final plans til just 2 hours before. I'd rather be at home sipping tea.

So yeah, it was just simple. And boy, that probably made him sulky and gave me cold shoulders. Oh well, such a shame that in the past three years, I was there doing all the plans, and now it seems that my absence suddenly made me a bad friend. I feel like sometimes I should stop looking after people, because that don't give back anything essential to me. It's easier to just worry about your own and give some space for yourself away from others.

I feel like I'm airing dirty laundry here, and the last time I did it, I was in deep shit. Oh well, who reads this anyways?

Breaking news

Since wala namang nagbabasa ng blog ko na 'to, I just want to say na may jowa na ko. Hahaha. Well sabi ko sa sarili ko na di ko sasabihin na may jowa ako until 3 months na. Eh sa blog lang naman, so I'm not breaking any personal rules.

So yeah, I have a jowa na, pero parang there's nothing special in having a jowa kasi we kinda acted like magjowa naman by ourselves. I know I'm a malambing being, and ganun din sya. Hahaha. Any, hindi po si Nikko eto ha. Old news na po yun.

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Moving on, di ko rin gets kung ano nangyari. Medj ma-drama kasi pinagsimulan neto. Stressed ako kay bebe boy so iyak naman si ate girl (di naman ako inaway). Tapos fast-forward to next night, I was thinking about not seeing him anymore.. and more englishan later dun na nya ko tinanong "You dont want to try and make this a relationship?" Shookt ako malamang! Bet ko sya and I enjoy my time with him, so why not diba? Hirap nya i-let go since ang precious nya. Mabait na, malambing (even to his parents), understanding, considerate, cute, makulit, has good (or superior) music taste [may playlists sya na ginawa for me sa Spotify], and a good hugger.

Super iba sya sa lahat ng nagustuhan ko, and looking back, lahat ng nagustuhan ko eh very surface-level kilig and friendship lang yung pinakita sakin. I've met a lot of guys as well, pero super surface level lang din lahat. Siguro nakita ko sa kanya yung character na kagaya nina Papa and Tito Adel. Very chill people, and very understanding din. Siguro dahil na rin sa personality ko, I need someone na would chill me down and yung makikinig lang.

I can't say I'm excited in having a jowa, kasi di ko naman super ramdam. I guess na-skip ko na yung kilig part?? Hahaha. Dun na ko sa pagiging comfortable. I think we still have a lot to learn about each other. :)

Ayun lang. haha, di naman ako na-disappoint na di lahat ng first time magka-jowa eh excited.

Wanting and timing

Recently, there was a job posting for Practice Facilitator for our unit. Being the usual Lhea, I'm quite interested because I love a role that could help assist and supervise new nurses. Two of my colleagues encouraged me to do it, so I sent an email to our Lead Educator that I wanted to know more about the role.

Few days later, I met our LE and she told me about the job. But I guess I'm not yet ready for it. I know our previous PF and how often she worked on the ward, yet this one is more office-based for now. I don't think I'll thrive in an office set up, and an 8-6 job during weekdays. And if I truly wanted it, I could've said yes, but being the classic Lhea, I always wanted a way out. I told LE that I haven't had my competency book signed AT ALL (which is true btw). Another thing, I guess I don't want to have bigger responsibility yet, and I'm worried that I won't have extra money because I can't do night shifts for a while. Well, no one's pressuring me to get the job anyway, so I'll just do what I want.

 In the end, I didn't contact LE anymore and I forgot that the interview was yesterday. I heard that someone I knew got the post and was promoted to Band 6. Good for him!

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I guess I am this kind of person who believes in timing, whether it's rushed or a very long term one. I mean, I would've liked that 8-6 job but that would be nice if I have a family to look after. I don't want to keep on working weekends and night shifts if I got kids already. I want to enjoy my time with them, and probably go somewhere and enjoy the weather on a weekend. I dunno who I'll marry in the end, but whoever that may be, I want to be the kind of mum who spends quality time with her (future) family.

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Mommy actually advised me to be a nurse practitioner if I get older, and I guess it's a  good plan. I've been working as a cardiothoracic nurse now, and it's a very good sub-speciality. Well, I think I still need few more years of experience before I could study to be an ANP. Another thing, I need money to send myself to uni, so I might do that if I have a husband to feed me while studying. HAHAHAHA. Sounds like a good plan to me!

I know that I'm that kind of person who loves making super future plans. I get anxious if I don't look forward or plan on something ahead, because I feel like I'm not going anywhere. Looking back, I never imagined that I'll be in the UK in my mid 20s, but here I am when everybody thought I'd be in America.

Sometimes God does brings us to a place that he thinks is the best for us. I'm not complaining (well despite the low wage, but I can work on that tho) because I love my job. He gave me so many challenges and I'm happy that I rose above it.

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Walking around the village this evening, I kept on seeing these houses for sale along our street. There's this attached and kinda big semi-detached one. I can't help but imagine my future family home, and of course a house that I could buy while I'm still single. I've looked up all their prices previously, and it costs so much money. With my current salary, I wont be able to afford it at all. And then I remembered what Nanay used to tell me when I get amazed with the cars I used to see back in college. She told me "You can buy that kind of car if you study well." Now, I'm finished with school and now abroad, I could afford that IF I WORK EXTRA SHIFTS!

Not saying I'm in dire need of money, but I actually need money to pay my card, and afford that plane ticket to NY and probably fund my travel there. Plus if I actually want to make my house plans for Papa happen, I should start now.


ALRIGHT LHEA! WORK WORK WORK!!!!

Back here

I have a lot of self issues that I need to address, but since I got a new laptop now, I have a chance to air my thoughts in here much often.

Too much dating (though not often) is burdensome to me already, that I don't want to meet people solely to distract myself although I act all these interested about what they say. I kinda took a toll on myself as well since it kinda added few more people for me to sort out.

Going back to the Philippines really helped me. I was back to my comfort place (despite the very bad internet), and reminded me who I really am before I came here, and realized how I changed (in a good way).

So yeah, happy to be back!!! :)

Very wrong?

I guess I'm just using this blog to exhaust my frustrations, or just to hear myself from everything I'm overthinking these past few days.

Disclaimer: To my UK friends, I hope yall wont get shocked with my posts here. Just in case anyone on you happen to find this.

I'm quite confused with my feelings for this Brit guy I used to see. He was the one I mentioned in my last entry. After that July happening, he texted me around October up until December. We just annoyed each other and didn't come into terms about things. Being the stubborn person that I am, I just argued with everything he said. We did see each other again before New Year and talked about kinda serious things. He told me about this girl he likes, and I told him that I like someone else as well (which is true). I even said to him that we should stop everything in 2019, which he reluctantly agreed.

Idk if I'm being such a forgetful person, that I texted him after New Year and he reminded me to stick to my word. After that, I stopped messaging him.

But these past few weeks, I can't help but think about him. Weird, but I miss his annoying ass sometimes. This is where things get confusing, because I think I like him but I just deny it to myself. Or maybe I just miss his attention. I dont know anymore.

We did texted each other yesterday, and he seemed different: not as arguing as before. It's nice to be talking like normal people, but I'm not used to it. A part of me wants to annoy him, but I feel like I'm proving myself more that I'll be forever childish.

This shouldn't be a problem, but I just can't stop thinking about it. Ugh.

Confused Part 1

I've never been so confused about my feelings in my entire life. I mean, I never encountered any problems that involves guys who likes me, rather I'm the one who likes them instead.

Basically, I actually kinda dated 2 guys at the same time few weeks ago. There's this same-aged British guy whom I went out on a date, but ghosted me for a week, and then called me back when he was sick. The next day, he told me that he's not comfortable seeing me anymore. Then, he listed his "reasons" why, and it baffled me that all of it was because of the day before that. He told me that I was childish and clingy. I accept the childish part, but clingy? Hello gentleman, I think it's you who's clingy between us tho? Anyway, as the Lhea that I am, I just wholly accepted what he said and let him go. Sadly, I was just starting to like him. Alexa! Play Best Thing I Never Had by Beyonce!!

Three days before the thing with the Brit guy, me and this younger Polish guy I once dated before and turned down because I see him as a lil brother that I want to take care, met again in the same park from last winter. We talked and I offered friendship once again and he rejected me. The guy literally likes me and I felt so bad that it's been months but he still felt the same. I gave him (and myself, too) a chance to meet often and get to know each other. I can see how happy he was. And honestly, we connect on a mental level. We're both deep thinkers, but after texting the next day, I realized that we have different POV in life. Since I'm busy with work, I didn't get to text him often, and at the same time I don't want to be a part of his system as well. I thought really hard if this is going to make me happy: giving myself a chance to get to know someone, and possibly having a relationship; but I guess this is not me and for me. Everything took a toll on my peace of mind actually, and when I talked to the guy again, he doesn't seem as excited as before (probably because I never contacted him for 3 days). And that's when I decided to ghost him: block him on my phone and on SNS.

Since then, I felt a lot more at peace and true to myself. I'd rather stay on my own lane, than try those things again. As what I always say, I'd always choose someone I like than the other way around. I'd rather be hurt because of it, rather than hurting another person and hurting myself at the same time. I'm happy being with my crush, and that's what matters for me rn. Things might not turn out the way I want to, but this is where I feel happy, secured, and understood. :)

Comeback comeback comeback

I decided to go back to blogging and journaling after I realized that I'm not updated with myself these past few months. I feel like I'm spending a lot of time in my room doing nothing and never achieve anything. Since it's summer, I decided to make a travel blog entries on my Wordpress account. Wish me luck!!

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Quick update!
After that friendzoning, to cut the story short, nothing changed! I mean, I expected that we'd naturally drift apart but we didn't. Instead, we grew closer and became a lot more comfortable. We still go out together but we're not even dating. Hahaha. He can date whoever he wants, and I can too.

Sooo, here's the juicy part. I decided not to spill about this guy, but anyway my friends knew about him already. He's British, and just a little less a year older than me. He looks like a fine English gentleman, but with a naughty and cheeky side.  Lol. I mean, I like Nikko so much but it seems like me and *this* guy are each other's back up. Honestly, I don't even like him but he likes me! 🤣

Moving on, he kept on inviting me to go on dates but I kept on ditching him for Nikko. I'm quite surprised that he was never mad about how I ditched him last time. But yeah, the heart wants what it wants!! I know Nikko is such an impossible case for me, but let me be happy, universe. I'll take care of my feelings, and I'll try my best to be his friend.