Very wrong?

I guess I'm just using this blog to exhaust my frustrations, or just to hear myself from everything I'm overthinking these past few days.

Disclaimer: To my UK friends, I hope yall wont get shocked with my posts here. Just in case anyone on you happen to find this.

I'm quite confused with my feelings for this Brit guy I used to see. He was the one I mentioned in my last entry. After that July happening, he texted me around October up until December. We just annoyed each other and didn't come into terms about things. Being the stubborn person that I am, I just argued with everything he said. We did see each other again before New Year and talked about kinda serious things. He told me about this girl he likes, and I told him that I like someone else as well (which is true). I even said to him that we should stop everything in 2019, which he reluctantly agreed.

Idk if I'm being such a forgetful person, that I texted him after New Year and he reminded me to stick to my word. After that, I stopped messaging him.

But these past few weeks, I can't help but think about him. Weird, but I miss his annoying ass sometimes. This is where things get confusing, because I think I like him but I just deny it to myself. Or maybe I just miss his attention. I dont know anymore.

We did texted each other yesterday, and he seemed different: not as arguing as before. It's nice to be talking like normal people, but I'm not used to it. A part of me wants to annoy him, but I feel like I'm proving myself more that I'll be forever childish.

This shouldn't be a problem, but I just can't stop thinking about it. Ugh.

Confused Part 1

I've never been so confused about my feelings in my entire life. I mean, I never encountered any problems that involves guys who likes me, rather I'm the one who likes them instead.

Basically, I actually kinda dated 2 guys at the same time few weeks ago. There's this same-aged British guy whom I went out on a date, but ghosted me for a week, and then called me back when he was sick. The next day, he told me that he's not comfortable seeing me anymore. Then, he listed his "reasons" why, and it baffled me that all of it was because of the day before that. He told me that I was childish and clingy. I accept the childish part, but clingy? Hello gentleman, I think it's you who's clingy between us tho? Anyway, as the Lhea that I am, I just wholly accepted what he said and let him go. Sadly, I was just starting to like him. Alexa! Play Best Thing I Never Had by Beyonce!!

Three days before the thing with the Brit guy, me and this younger Polish guy I once dated before and turned down because I see him as a lil brother that I want to take care, met again in the same park from last winter. We talked and I offered friendship once again and he rejected me. The guy literally likes me and I felt so bad that it's been months but he still felt the same. I gave him (and myself, too) a chance to meet often and get to know each other. I can see how happy he was. And honestly, we connect on a mental level. We're both deep thinkers, but after texting the next day, I realized that we have different POV in life. Since I'm busy with work, I didn't get to text him often, and at the same time I don't want to be a part of his system as well. I thought really hard if this is going to make me happy: giving myself a chance to get to know someone, and possibly having a relationship; but I guess this is not me and for me. Everything took a toll on my peace of mind actually, and when I talked to the guy again, he doesn't seem as excited as before (probably because I never contacted him for 3 days). And that's when I decided to ghost him: block him on my phone and on SNS.

Since then, I felt a lot more at peace and true to myself. I'd rather stay on my own lane, than try those things again. As what I always say, I'd always choose someone I like than the other way around. I'd rather be hurt because of it, rather than hurting another person and hurting myself at the same time. I'm happy being with my crush, and that's what matters for me rn. Things might not turn out the way I want to, but this is where I feel happy, secured, and understood. :)

Comeback comeback comeback

I decided to go back to blogging and journaling after I realized that I'm not updated with myself these past few months. I feel like I'm spending a lot of time in my room doing nothing and never achieve anything. Since it's summer, I decided to make a travel blog entries on my Wordpress account. Wish me luck!!

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Quick update!
After that friendzoning, to cut the story short, nothing changed! I mean, I expected that we'd naturally drift apart but we didn't. Instead, we grew closer and became a lot more comfortable. We still go out together but we're not even dating. Hahaha. He can date whoever he wants, and I can too.

Sooo, here's the juicy part. I decided not to spill about this guy, but anyway my friends knew about him already. He's British, and just a little less a year older than me. He looks like a fine English gentleman, but with a naughty and cheeky side.  Lol. I mean, I like Nikko so much but it seems like me and *this* guy are each other's back up. Honestly, I don't even like him but he likes me! 🤣

Moving on, he kept on inviting me to go on dates but I kept on ditching him for Nikko. I'm quite surprised that he was never mad about how I ditched him last time. But yeah, the heart wants what it wants!! I know Nikko is such an impossible case for me, but let me be happy, universe. I'll take care of my feelings, and I'll try my best to be his friend.

TFTFZ Part 2

I just did this "knock knock" joke from Twitter and used this to Nikko, thinking that he's be too dumb to get it. But boy! He got it! But added the "friends lang po" at the end.

Well I guess that ends my crush journey here. Much better to know it much earlier than later then. Atleast the hurt feelings aren't that much?

Moving on, anyone can read this, even him, so yeah..

Honestly, I don't know what to say. As much as I want to go out and meet someone, I can't even do it. Hahaha. Poor me!

Comeback post

So yeah, I've been away from blogging here for quite long and I've been enjoying my life in London so far, especially that I now have friends who go out with me :)

Quick update!
I passed my OSCEs already, felt new and learning things (still!) all over again, and inproving my skills day by day. I got stressed as well due to my packed schedule and dreaded for a break since February but I can't. I had breakouts on my forehead and that added to my work stress as well. I went through rough mood swings for 2 weeks, and was so emotional during that. But yeah, I survived!!

The real deal
So here ya go. I have a crush on someone since February and we just met 2 weeks ago. He had no clue who I was but he accepted my IG following then, but had to unfollow him and then added him up again. Lol.

We met again this weekend, had few drinks with friend, and went out with them the next day. To cut things short, I like the guy's personality. While on my part, I feel like I did a lot of dumb things, but honestly, it was just me. Wafakels if he got turned off (I'm used to that, you know!) from my madaldal self (esp when I was drunk) or how annoying I am at times (hahaha, reminds me of how I used to ask A if he finds me annoying).

My friends are doing a lot of work for me and I'm so grateful for that, but they can only do so much. At the end of the day, it's still me who has to do the entire chunk of stuff. I feel like I was rushing myself to be liked by him as I am doing this entry, maybe because I am afraid of being delegated to the pits of friendzone again. Lol. But yeah, I should've just laid the friendship foundation first, rather than jump to those subtle banats and open arms. Hahaha. I dunno. I'm just worried since I won't get to see him in 2 weeks (or prolly longer than that, or not at all because of my dumb self).

As much as I want to maintain our communications, I feel like it'll be hard to do. I mean, I have my pride and he prolly knows that I like him a lot, so I want to regain my pride and refrain from talking to him. Sorry, this is just me.

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There ya go, I just want to express myself here again. I'm being weird again. K.

Professional Tambay

So yeah, I'm unemployed for a year now and as much as I want to enjoy this chill life, I can't since I have loads of exams to review on. Haha. Well anyway, I didn't tambay-ed for the entire time since I worked on my IELTS and CBT exam last year. Now, I'm just waiting for my Decision Letter from NMC. 😭

Honestly, I feel like the time passed by really quickly. I feel like it was just yesterday when I'm complaining that I don't have a job, then finally working here in Palawan, resigned to review for IELTS, passed my CBT, and now waiting for my precious DL. I feel proud in my self actually that I made it. Hopefully I'll still be lucky for the years to come. Everything that I achieved right now is also a product of my hardwork too, so I wanna pat my back for that :)) I'm quite excited that I'm working on my future now. I hope that this is God's plan for me. 😉

Even though I cherish my free time a lot, I miss working in the hospital too, and also my peers. I'm happy that I was blessed with a supportive colleagues with me then. I may have encountered problems, but it was just minor setbacks in my employed life. I learned a lot from it.

Few months or weeks to go, I might be in a workplace already (I really hope and pray so!) and probably enjoying everything around me. But yeah, that's the start of my never ending OFW life, but I'll make sure that I'll make the most out of it.

Go Lhea!!!!

To my BRAVE self

http://www.candymag.com/all-access/here-s-to-all-the-girls-who-had-the-courage-to-say-how-they-really-feel-a201-20170220

This article brought me back to that day that I confessed to my guy friend. It wasn't "love" that I confessed but rather my "liking" for him and for being true to myself. Bruh, it wasn't easy. My confession took a lot of time of thinking when to confess, how, where, and if he already knows that I like him or not. It wasn't peer pressure, but letting off some emotional pressure on myself before I embark to a journey towards my dream. I humbly received the rejection and I'm happy that I got my message clear accross.

Looking back, I did regretted a bit and thought of what ifs. But now, I dont regret my choice and the confession I made is considered as my personal badge for being BRAVE. Even if I confessed or not, we will surely grow apart due to time and space (location?) but the friendship and the times spent with each other will always be a valuable part of our lives.

I'm happy that I made a bold move at a young age but mature enough to let that season pass me by. A month to go and it's already been four years since I've done it. Ah, the good times, I guess :)