Lessons

Sometimes, watching Koreanovelas can help you realize something.

Lately, I feel like I'm such an insensitive daughter to my dad. Even though we live now under the same roof, still, we don't talk that much. Maybe because I think he's "busy" with other things or I'm just not in my regular self. As you all guys know, I can't stand a day without talking to someone. But now, since I'm getting used of being alone, I can do it already.

Awhile ago, Mom (my Mama's only sister) called me up and asked me about my very BUM life. She also shared what Papa told her when they had a chance to talk. Papa said that I'm making him as my servant, but I said that it's just natural for a parent to serve his daughter since it's been a while (or should I say, in my lifetime) that he haven't served me as a visible parent.

Aside from that, I'm also ranting about some chuchuness and chuchu to Mommy. Good thing I know how to control myself whenever I'm talking to Papa. I admit that my father and I have a "strained relationship" but it didn't hinder me to be a good daughter. I finished college without causing a lot of trouble. I think it's the essence of being a good and well-raised daughter.

After talking to Mommy, and spending the whole night without uttering any single word (mag-isa lang ako sa apartment), a lot of things are running in my head especially what mom told me. I know my dad is a passive person. He doesn't initiate a conversation, or raise his voice, or argue on a topic. But honestly, I hate it, because I hate lame people. Okay, let's say that we have our own individuality, but why can't he adjust himself for his daughter? I know it's not right to blab these kind of things here, but I need to release it. As what my Tito Alvin told me "Don't be like that to your dad. Lalayo yung blessings sayo." And growing up with Lola and Nanay who values tight family bonds, I think I forgot what they taught me when I was young. My mind was overshadowed with shallow thinking and minding what I want and what I hate. Maybe I need to adjust myself to my dad (whose personality that I really don't know since I didn't grew up with him and I don't really know how to deal things with him).

May God give me enough patience and understanding most especially that I'm in my young adulthood stage and I need a lot of it as I cruise in this roller coaster life.

WEIRD DREAM!

#ICAPSLOCKMOPARAINTENSE!

SRSLY, napanaginipan ko kanina na I failed the board exam. NOOOOOOOOOO! Creepiest dream ever! Grabe, sana di magkatotoo yun! HUHUHUHUHUHU

on carrying girls bags

I was supposed to blog about this topic months ago, but a scene from TTBY reminded me of this. So here, Im going to blog about my own thoughts on men carrying girls bags.

But before anything gets serious, let me insert Eros Atalia's quote from his book :) “Hindi din ako nagpi-prisinta na dalhin ang gamit ng mga babae. Lalo na ang bitbitin ang kanilang shoulder bag. Hindi dahil ayokong isiping bading ako. Ang sa akin lang, nabuhat nga nila yung bag mula bahay hanggang school, tapos kapag nakakita ng lalake, bigla silang manghihina.” 

Honestly, it's a nice view when you see boys carry a girl's bag. The first thing that enters your mind is that "He's such a gentleman" or "He's so sweet." And girls definitely dream of having their own "bag-carrier." HAHAHA. On my part, I also dream of having a guy like that, and as I age, I think it's kinda corny when guys do that, especially when they do it because of a certain reason, not for being a gentleman. 

Let me cite an example. Last October, I went out with my former "eme". That time I was carrying a heavy bag that contains my school uniform (because I had an exam before we met that afternoon), shoes, laptop, and notebooks. He noticed that my bag is huge that day, and said "Ang bigat ng bag mo. Ako na magdadala." And I asked him why. I'm kinda used to carry heavy bags since high school. Hey, I got strong shoulders, you know. "Bakit?" "Para naman ma-experience mo maging boyfriend ako." Yes? And carrying a girl's bag signifies a good boyfriend? WOW! I didn't know about that!

In my early days in college, no one ever bothers to carry my bag. And I don't care, I can carry it all by myself, and I don't need someone to carry my things to make them look good as a person. Sometimes, I do ask people to carry some of my things, well, light and handy things only. But it's still different when a person voluntarily carries your things, because they know that it is right, not by any other superficial and hypocrite reasons.

As of this post, I only experienced being asked by a person once if he could carry my bag was during my final semester. The reason? Because a heavy and expensive camera of our friend is in my bag. Knowing that a lot of bad elements surrounds our school, we have to take care of it. Haha. One thing that makes me smile whenever I remember that evening was because of my bag's color, pink :D Just think of a handsome man who carries a pink jansport bag :D 

Even though it's not because of a mushy reason why that person carried my bag, still, it really feels good to see someone carry your bag. Because for me, my bag is "not just a bag", it contains my world :)

My new favorite :)

Be your everything

Verse 1:
Four letter word
But I don't have the guts to say it
Smile til it hurts
Let's not make it complicated
We got a story
But I'm about to change the ending
You're perfect for me
More than just a friend so we can just stop pretending now
Gotta let you know somehow

Chorus:
I'll be your shelter
I'll be your storm
I'll make you shiver
I'll keep you warm
Whatever weather
Baby I'm yours
Be your forever, Be your fling
Baby, I will be your everything

Verse 2:
We used to say
That we would always stay together
But who's to say
That we could never last forever
Girl, got a question
Could you see yourself with somebody else?
Cause I'm on a mission
And I don't wanna share, I want you all to myself right now
I just wanna scream it out

Chorus:

I'll be your shelter
I'll be your storm
I'll make you shiver
I'll keep you warm
Whatever weather
Baby I'm yours
Be your forever, Be your fling
Baby, I will be your everything

Bridge:
No matter what you do
I'll be there for you
And every time you close your eyes
I will be by your side
'Cause every time you make me sing
Baby, I will be your everything

Chorus:
I'll be your shelter
I'll be your storm
I'll make you shiver
I'll keep you warm
Whatever weather
Baby I'm yours
Be your forever, Be your fling

Baby, I will be your everything

--
Matagal na yung song na to sa phone ko, and recently naging favorite ko to. Actually di ko alam yung lyrics kasi slang, pero ang ganda pala ng meaning. Any, favorite ko naman yung Boys Like Girls, esp yung Thunder and The Great Escape :)

Going solo

Living independently isn't all about fun and carefree life, this will test you if you're to survive, alone. Yes, starting today, mag-isa na lang ako sa apartment. This is it, ang araw na kinakatakutan ko noong bata pa ako. Honestly, I don't want to live alone dahil isa akong "linta" (based on our psych review, which is "dependent'). Many people couldn't believe that I'll be able to continue life even without Nanay because I really depend my life on her. She does everything for me, like waking up early to prepare my breakfast and so on. Gaya nga ng sabi ko kanina, eto yung araw na kinakatakutan ko, yung araw na iiwan na ako ni Nanay dahil matanda na ko at kelangan ko ng mabuhay mag-isa dahil kelangan ko ng magtrabaho. Well, in my present case, medyo napaaga ata. 

It's not the first time na namuhay ako mag-isa sa apartment. Last year, I was left alone here dahil umuwi ng Palawan yung kasama ko dito dati. So, mga 3 weeks akong nag-isa rito. Actually, nag-enjoy ako mag-isa, and dun ko lang nalaman na OC pala ako pag mag-isa sa bahay. Pag may konting kalat, walis agad at kelangan naka-ayos lahat ng bagay :) Medyo di nga lang nakakatuwa na tulog ako sa umaga at gising ako sa gabi bilang paranoid si Lola na baka pasukin ako ng magnanakaw o di kaya atakihin sa puso. As far as what I learned, RHD will not result to heart attack, unless sepsis. Haha. And for the first time, biglaang nag-overnight ang EB 11-12 bilang gabi na sila umalis ng school nun. Haha, inuman agad sa bahay. Then nag-overnight din si Ate Reich after nung Tagaytay trip naming dalawa. :)

Struggles: Di ako marunong magluto. Prito maybe? Hahaha. Sain, prito, laga ng itlog, luto ng noodles lang alam ko. Nagsisi talaga ako na di ako nagpaturo kay Nanay magluto nung bata pa ko dahil confident ako na makakasama ko pa sya ng matagal. Next, mahirap maglaba. Nung bata pa ko, gustung-gusto ko maglaba kasi ginagaya ko si Nanay dati. At bilang sakiting bata ako, konting babad lang sa tubig, sipon na agad. Poor me. Buti na lang may washing machine kami, unluckily sira yung dryer. Then isa pang struggle sakin eh yung pagkakahiwa-hiwalay nung mga damit base sa kulay. Hay jusko! Marunong naman ako sa ibang gawaing-bahay maliban lang sa dalawang yan.

At dahil sa mga nakwento ko, pwede na ring sabihin na buhay prinsesa ako mula pagkabata. Haha. Medyo ganun na nga. Ang kelangan ko lang gawin noon, mag-aral. No choice, nakakapagod kaya maglaro, and take note, di ako pwede sa mga sports eme dahil sakiting bata ako. Pero di naman ako yung bata na kelangang may breakfast in bed at kelangan pa ng seremonyas. No, normal din naman akong bata noon. Since pagsasaing at prito lang ang alam ko, yun yung kadalasang pinapagawa sakin. Tapos ina-assist ko rin si Nanay magluto at si Lola pag nagsasaing (Pag si Lola ang nagsaing, parang pagkain ng maysakit, Lugaw). Ako rin yung taga-tikim sa bahay, haha, pinakamasarap na trabaho ever. Nagwawalis din ako, at required na ako yung maglinis ng kwarto ko kasi ako lang nakakaalam ng mga ganap dun. Ang masasabi kong "dirty job" ko dati, ang magpa-apoy nung uling or kahoy kapag nagsasaing (Buhay probinsya at it's finest). Every summer, ako ang naka-toka sa pagsasaing, pamamalengke, paglilinis ng kusina, paghuhugas ng plato, pagwawalis ng bahay, at pagpapakain sa pitong pets namin (cats, dogs, fishes, love birds). Since around 11am eh ready na yung lunch, as early as 9am eh nagpaparikit (tama ba yung nagpaparikit? haha, di ko alam! basta nagpapaapoy yun!) na ko sa kahoy (swerte kung uling!). Jusko, halos mamaga na mata ko sa kaluluha kasi ang sakit sa mata nung usok at ihip ako ng ihip. At bilang dakilang tamad ako, binubuhusan ko na lang ng gaas. HAHA. Minsan naman pinapaypayan ko nung nigo (Nigo din ba tawag sa tagalog nung ginagamit na pantalop sa bigas?), eh pinagbawalan ako ni Lola kasi *insert pamahiin here*. Halos isang oras ang struggle ko ha! Well, nung una lang yun no! Sa pamamalengke naman, naka-budget na mga bibilhin ko. Madalas ako bumili sa mga suki namin kaya madali na lang yung pamimili. Gusto ko yung humihiwa ako ng bituka ng isda tsaka nung gills. Haha. Kunwari duguan yung daliri ko :P

Present struggle: Ang magising ng maaga at i-budget ang 500 pesos (hangga't di pa dumarating yung next allowance ko). Struggle magising ha, maliban sa stressed ako sa pagrereview til dawn, eh feeling ko ngayon pa lang yung "inupang" days ko ("inupang"-basta yung period na lumalaki ka. Yun! Basta, mahirap i-explain!). Saan aabot ang 500 pesos ko? Actually di ko alam! Maghihigpit na lang ako ng sinturon sa mga susunod na araw.Huhu, eto na ba yung buhay-unemployed? Eh kung pwede lang di mag NLE, malamang may trabaho na ko no? Di naman ako makapamalengke kasi mahal yung bilihin at di ako marunong magluto. Worse, may Galunggong Ban! Di ako makakaprito ng favorite fish ko :( So buhay-karinderya to death ako. No Starbucks, and fastfoods muna. Siomai rice everyday na lang, pantawid gutom. Huhu. This is the reality of life. Uy ha, di porke prinsesa ako eh di ko kaya mag-cope sa ganito? Pano pa't naging taga-probinsya ako? Haha. :)

Okey, bilang wala akong makausap, dito ko na lang binubuhos yung kadaldalan ko. Eh ganun talaga eh. :)) Hello nga pala sa mga fans ko, lol. Miss ko na yung mga fans kong sina Ate Clar, Dairen, Janice, Cindy at sa mga non-Blogger friends ko na binabasa yung blog ko lalo na pag may gusto ako ikwento na na-blog ko na :)

Mild anxiety

Sabi nga ni Mark Dagli (my former classmate), okey lang magka-mild anxiety dahil healthy ito sa panahon ngayon. Well actually, parang gusto ko pa pindutin ang panic button dahil 21 days na lang at NLE na. Honestly, hindi pa ako ganun ka-ready sa NLE. I know my reviewers are all good and I learned a lot from them, but iba pa rin pag ikaw na mismo sa sarili mo. These past few days, my anxiety was pretty relieved when I visited Nanay's grave. It was nice to share my thoughts and feelings to her kahit na nakikita naman nya ako at nababasa nya kung ano naiisip ko. 

I wanna scold myself again for skipping my class earlier. Di ko kinaya magising dahil antok na antok ako sa kaka-self review. Siguro ganun talaga, sa lahat ng ginagawa mo, may mga bagay kang kelangang sina-sacrifice. Even though di ako pumasok, I still made my day a productive one. Yeah, productive dahil nagreview naman ako mag-isa. I reviewed some of my MedSurg concepts and answered some sample questions. Now, I just finished anwering a pre-board preparation exam and unluckily, I failed. I know that disappointments will come my way to tear me down, but no, I won't let it ruin my dream! I still have few more days to go to study and make things "perfect." As far as I observed, di naman ako totally bobey sa ilang questions eh, medyo nagkakamali lang ako dahil sa clinical judgments ko. Yes, we need to stick and follow a certain judgment para maging tama ang sagot namin. Di pwedeng eto-yung-gusto-ko judgment, dapat may clinical basis.

I really envy my classmates who have their study buddies. Iba pa rin kasi yung may kasama ka mag-review kasi may nakaka-share ka ng knowledge and insights. And I pity myself for being a loner dahil nagso-solo ako sa mga bagay na may makakasama naman ako. I admit that Im good when it comes to group review, ewan ko ba, napansin ko lang to nung 1st year college pero hindi ko na nagawa after nun. Any, going solo is really a struggle dahil nung una pa lang, di ko alam kung paano ko sisimulan yung mga bagay bagay. Chaos lang talaga. Last week, I asked my classmate na kung pwede kaming mag-review sa apartment nya since solo lang sya. She agreed pero nung huli, waley na. One reason why I wanted her to be my review buddy because her notes are all complete (and since I skipped a lot of our sessions, I badly need her copies). Hay, feeling ko lang tuloy parusa sakin to dahil andami kong absences. :( Last Wednesday, I asked another classmate of mine to get me some copies of MedSurg since I will be going somewhere and she agreed. Then yesterday, I asker her about those copies and told me that she forgot to get some extra copies for me. I really felt bad, parang wala na ata akong maaasahan. But then again, I blamed myself because it's still my fault anyway. Umasa ako sa isang tao na wala namang pakialam sa classmate nya. Sorry for this pero para sakin naging "selfish" sya in a way na parang wala man lang syang empathy, and kasalanan ko rin kasi iba yung inuna ko. Minsan talaga fail ako pagdating sa decision-making. 

Kahit na medyo may struggle ako sa review, there are still a lot of people who makes me feel loved and empowered. Thanks to my Advo family for cheering me up and for reminding me to "top the board exam." I know it's hard to reach and still impossible as of this moment, but who knows, miracle might just happen in June 2-3 :) Thank you to my ate-slash-classmate who scolds me whenever I skip classes, arrive late in our review, and tweet while taking the exams. Thank you ate for making me feel guilty when you scold me, feeling ko tuloy may nanay ako sa review ;)  Thank you also to a friend of mine na lagi akong pinagsasabihan na nag-cut ng class pag nahuhuli nya ako sa Twitter. Sorry pows. If you happen to read this, 2 days after mo mag-tweet, absent uli ako. Sorry for breaking my promise again.

Lastly, thank you Blogger for being there for me. Actually medyo nahihiya ako kasi naturingan akong writer pero pansin ko lang sa last post ko, sabog na sabog yung diwa ko. And I don't purely write in English. Pero sabi nga ni Dairen sa post nya dati, mas okey pag Filipino kasi mae-express mo talaga yung nararamdaman mo.

I still have a lot of time to review, no need to stress myself. I'll just enjoy answering those questions and nail the board exam. 21 days to go, at kelangan ko ng patunayan na si Future Nurse Lei, magiging Registered Nurse Lei :)

2.0

Sorry kung hindi organized tong post ko. Di lang talaga maayos ang diwa ko.

Siguro isa sa mga weakness ko eh yung pinapakita kong di ako apektado kahit na apektado talaga ako. To some, sign of strength yun, pero sakin hindi. Ewan ko ba, I easily get hurt. Feeling ko tuloy balat sibuyas ako pero tina-try ko maging balat-bayawak.

-----

Two days na  akong absent sa review. Seriously, tamad na tamad na tamad na ako, pero takot naman ako bumagsak. Ano na Lhea? gusto mong maging topnotcher pero anong ginagawa mo? Gusto ko na magpahinga, feeling ko pagod na pagod na ko. Gusto ko munang lumayo sa Manila, lumayo sa social networking sites at mamuhay uli gaya ng dati.

------

Aminado akong inggit na inggit sa mga high school classmates ko na may jowa na ngayon. Pero wala tayong magagawa eh, aral muna bago ang lahat. Tapos eto na naman yung rule na bawal mag-jowa hanggat wala pang work. Why so harsh? Hay, since mabait akong bata, all I have to do is to follow orders. Well, medyo partly nanghihinayang ako. Andami kong tinanggihan (taray! marami!) dahil sa isang personal reason maliban sa studies ko. Di rin ako nagsisi na tumanggi ako dahil sa studies, pero yung sa isa pang personal reason, medyo mali lang talaga. Hindi kasi tama na ireserve mo yung sarili mo para sa iba. In that way, nagiging selfish ka lang,

------

Very wrong lang na may nami-miss ako ngayon. Ewan ko kung bakit ganun. Ilang beses ko na sya naiisip mula kahapon. Siguro dahil sa alam kong maiintindihan nya ko kasi nung mga panahong feeling ko eh down ako, isa sya sa mga umintindi at nakinig sakin. Gusto ko lang batiin si "motivation", hello there! I miss you (tapos sasabihan mo kong malandi. Bwiset!). 

----