Once again, ako na naman ang di nakapagpasa for nursing research. Ano na naman 'to? Gumawa naman ako kaso late lang, pinag-iisipan ko ng maayos yung ipapasa ko kaso mukhang worthless na ipasa . San pa ba ako lulugar. I hate our group leader for always putting me on the spotlight. She's always mad that's why I tend not to explain the reason why I wasn't able to pass this and that.
Am I that useless? Am I that stupid? Am I that irresponsible. Yes, I gave up some of my non-acads obligations yet still wasnt enough. Parang wala akong nakukuhang satisfaction sa buhay ko ngayon-- sa buhay ko sa ospital, sa buhay ko kasama yung mga groupmates ko na dapat sana eh magiging sandigan ko sa mga panahong ganito. It's hard for me but I really wanna get out from their shaddows. Im not that strong, I just show them I'm strong despite of whatever they say about me. I learned to hide my feelings because of my fear that they might just laugh at it. Despite of what they do, I remained to be as jolly, positive and energetic.
I believe that not all things go in your way. I really wanna quit, I QUIT. I quit being treated like a loser. I quit being the happy and the jolly person in our group. I quit to be a responsible member. And I quit to be a part of them They're the WORST PEOPLE I EVER KNOW. They don't even know the feelings of other people, as long as they make fun of it.
Kung pwede lang, I REALLY WANNA END THIS F*CKIN THING. AND I HATE MY COURSE. I HATE THEM ALL and I DONT WANNA SEE THEM AGAIN AFTER I STEP OUT IN FEU. THEY"RE ALL BITCHES, ASSHOLES, DEMONS AND RUTHLESS PEOPLE.
Sometimes, I search for someone who will comfort me in times that I feel bad or depressed. Someone who'll just listen to me and wont ask anything as long as he/she'll be there. I have a lot of friends yet not all of them can understand me, and what Im going through. I'm looking for a PARENT. A parent that will hug me whenever I arrive from duty, a parent that will listen to all my rants, a parent that will give me solid advices, and a parent that will remain calm though I'm already monster-like. I have a dad, a mommy, and a grandma, yet they're not here with me. Just like mommy told me once, Im all alone now, no one will take care of me, so I need to take care of myself and learn to stand up. I know that they'll be there whenever I need them, they;re just a call away except from my dad who's working in a far away sea. But what I need now is a parent, just like nanay. I think, I still have this depression because of her loss. It's really recurrent and whenever I have problems, it is always her that I always remember.
I already cried liters of tears tonight. That text message from our leader pierced my heart. How insensitive she is! I dont really know her, maybe she had that inferiority complex during her childhood that's why she manifest a superior character today. Of all the people na pwede siyang maging bitch, bakit ako pa? Am I that inferior-looking?
I wanna thank my ever-concerned groupmate, Leilani. After that hurtful text from Muri, she texted me : "Good eve lhea. baket naman nagpadelay ka sa research? haay cge magkwento ka na lang sakin sa pasukan. kc ang hirap lang kapag mauuwe ka sa ganyang judgment na xempre mukhang napasama. cge ilabas mo yang stress na yan. goodnyt".
Sa lahat ng groupmate ko, siya yugn nakakausap ko ng matino. We both have that matured-way of thinking or should i say a different perspective, may different from our groupmate who's older than us (20 and 21) and makes us inferior and manipulate us as much as they could. We understand each other, and I hope that she'll be my groupmate til we graduate. Aside from my acads problem, I'm also considering to take a break from Sports. I need to focus this time, just this time. And by next year, if ever I will still have that 2.5 GWA, i'll make up for everything I missed. I just need time for myself. It's weird but I need to focus on myself this time, and if I fail to do so, I might bid goodbye to my "family".
I dont want to be a failure. Iniisip ko kung ano pwedeng mangyari sakin and sa Papa ko, guguho mga mundo namin. Isang grade ang katumbas ng future ko. Kung yung iba, problema nila yung nakakuha sila ng dos sa isang subject at puro uno yung iba, akala nila katapusan na ng mundo. My classmates see me as the girl who holds the Best in Recitation award, Most Reacting award, but I'm not intelligent. I strive hard for every quiz that we have, I dont sleep just to make that homework and I try to understand every tiny info about Neuro and try to apply it to myself. Ginagawa ko 'to for my parents, ayokong biguin sila. We already sacrificed a lot, ngayon pa ako madadapa. I'm happy that they're proud of my achievements and I make them happy by not doing nasty things and not giving them problems (include boyfriend issue here). In short, wala silang sakit ng ulo sakin. Masaya si Papa kasi despite na di kami magkasama lagi sa 18 years na nabuhay ako, lumaki akong mabuting bata (believe me, Im mabait), kagaya ng gusto ng mama ko na maging anak niya. Im proud that my grandma and nanay raised me well kahit na wala akong father figure sa tabi ko. I envy those kids na kumpleto yung family yet ansasama ng ugali. Pano pa kaya kung wala silang parents. I thank those 2 special women in my life na dinisiplina nila ako ng mabuti, naging matured agad ako at a young age, and wala silang pagkukulang sakin, very hands on sila sa pagpapalaki sakin.
These adversities are just like typhoons that comes when you least expect it. It tests you how strong you are, if you're like that tall coconut tree that sways and goes with the wind yet still stands after that storm. Kung magiging halaman ako, siguro damo nalang ako. Kahit ilang beses mo apakan, buhay pa rin at makikita mo saan-saan. Yung damo na nagbibigay ng hope sa ibang tao. Di lahat ng damo, mababa. Yung iba naman tumatangkad gaya ng kawayan. Gaya nga ng sabi ng lola ko, isang lawis daw ako ng kawayan :)))
Sana maovercome ko to. Itutulog ko na lang muna para makapagpahinga na. Emotionally and physically stressed na ako. KAYA MO YAN LHEA, OKEY? MATAPANG KA, MAGALING KA MAGTAPANG-TAPANGAN, EXPERTISE MO YAN EH!
"Think positive!" --Ate Chin :)
No comments:
Post a Comment