Once again, ako na naman ang di nakapagpasa for nursing research. Ano na naman 'to? Gumawa naman ako kaso late lang, pinag-iisipan ko ng maayos yung ipapasa ko kaso mukhang worthless na ipasa . San pa ba ako lulugar. I hate our group leader for always putting me on the spotlight. She's always mad that's why I tend not to explain the reason why I wasn't able to pass this and that.
Am I that useless? Am I that stupid? Am I that irresponsible. Yes, I gave up some of my non-acads obligations yet still wasnt enough. Parang wala akong nakukuhang satisfaction sa buhay ko ngayon-- sa buhay ko sa ospital, sa buhay ko kasama yung mga groupmates ko na dapat sana eh magiging sandigan ko sa mga panahong ganito. It's hard for me but I really wanna get out from their shaddows. Im not that strong, I just show them I'm strong despite of whatever they say about me. I learned to hide my feelings because of my fear that they might just laugh at it. Despite of what they do, I remained to be as jolly, positive and energetic.
I believe that not all things go in your way. I really wanna quit, I QUIT. I quit being treated like a loser. I quit being the happy and the jolly person in our group. I quit to be a responsible member. And I quit to be a part of them They're the WORST PEOPLE I EVER KNOW. They don't even know the feelings of other people, as long as they make fun of it.
Kung pwede lang, I REALLY WANNA END THIS F*CKIN THING. AND I HATE MY COURSE. I HATE THEM ALL and I DONT WANNA SEE THEM AGAIN AFTER I STEP OUT IN FEU. THEY"RE ALL BITCHES, ASSHOLES, DEMONS AND RUTHLESS PEOPLE.
Sometimes, I search for someone who will comfort me in times that I feel bad or depressed. Someone who'll just listen to me and wont ask anything as long as he/she'll be there. I have a lot of friends yet not all of them can understand me, and what Im going through. I'm looking for a PARENT. A parent that will hug me whenever I arrive from duty, a parent that will listen to all my rants, a parent that will give me solid advices, and a parent that will remain calm though I'm already monster-like. I have a dad, a mommy, and a grandma, yet they're not here with me. Just like mommy told me once, Im all alone now, no one will take care of me, so I need to take care of myself and learn to stand up. I know that they'll be there whenever I need them, they;re just a call away except from my dad who's working in a far away sea. But what I need now is a parent, just like nanay. I think, I still have this depression because of her loss. It's really recurrent and whenever I have problems, it is always her that I always remember.
I already cried liters of tears tonight. That text message from our leader pierced my heart. How insensitive she is! I dont really know her, maybe she had that inferiority complex during her childhood that's why she manifest a superior character today. Of all the people na pwede siyang maging bitch, bakit ako pa? Am I that inferior-looking?
I wanna thank my ever-concerned groupmate, Leilani. After that hurtful text from Muri, she texted me : "Good eve lhea. baket naman nagpadelay ka sa research? haay cge magkwento ka na lang sakin sa pasukan. kc ang hirap lang kapag mauuwe ka sa ganyang judgment na xempre mukhang napasama. cge ilabas mo yang stress na yan. goodnyt".
Sa lahat ng groupmate ko, siya yugn nakakausap ko ng matino. We both have that matured-way of thinking or should i say a different perspective, may different from our groupmate who's older than us (20 and 21) and makes us inferior and manipulate us as much as they could. We understand each other, and I hope that she'll be my groupmate til we graduate. Aside from my acads problem, I'm also considering to take a break from Sports. I need to focus this time, just this time. And by next year, if ever I will still have that 2.5 GWA, i'll make up for everything I missed. I just need time for myself. It's weird but I need to focus on myself this time, and if I fail to do so, I might bid goodbye to my "family".
I dont want to be a failure. Iniisip ko kung ano pwedeng mangyari sakin and sa Papa ko, guguho mga mundo namin. Isang grade ang katumbas ng future ko. Kung yung iba, problema nila yung nakakuha sila ng dos sa isang subject at puro uno yung iba, akala nila katapusan na ng mundo. My classmates see me as the girl who holds the Best in Recitation award, Most Reacting award, but I'm not intelligent. I strive hard for every quiz that we have, I dont sleep just to make that homework and I try to understand every tiny info about Neuro and try to apply it to myself. Ginagawa ko 'to for my parents, ayokong biguin sila. We already sacrificed a lot, ngayon pa ako madadapa. I'm happy that they're proud of my achievements and I make them happy by not doing nasty things and not giving them problems (include boyfriend issue here). In short, wala silang sakit ng ulo sakin. Masaya si Papa kasi despite na di kami magkasama lagi sa 18 years na nabuhay ako, lumaki akong mabuting bata (believe me, Im mabait), kagaya ng gusto ng mama ko na maging anak niya. Im proud that my grandma and nanay raised me well kahit na wala akong father figure sa tabi ko. I envy those kids na kumpleto yung family yet ansasama ng ugali. Pano pa kaya kung wala silang parents. I thank those 2 special women in my life na dinisiplina nila ako ng mabuti, naging matured agad ako at a young age, and wala silang pagkukulang sakin, very hands on sila sa pagpapalaki sakin.
These adversities are just like typhoons that comes when you least expect it. It tests you how strong you are, if you're like that tall coconut tree that sways and goes with the wind yet still stands after that storm. Kung magiging halaman ako, siguro damo nalang ako. Kahit ilang beses mo apakan, buhay pa rin at makikita mo saan-saan. Yung damo na nagbibigay ng hope sa ibang tao. Di lahat ng damo, mababa. Yung iba naman tumatangkad gaya ng kawayan. Gaya nga ng sabi ng lola ko, isang lawis daw ako ng kawayan :)))
Sana maovercome ko to. Itutulog ko na lang muna para makapagpahinga na. Emotionally and physically stressed na ako. KAYA MO YAN LHEA, OKEY? MATAPANG KA, MAGALING KA MAGTAPANG-TAPANGAN, EXPERTISE MO YAN EH!
"Think positive!" --Ate Chin :)
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Saturday, February 18, 2012
There's much in goodbye
Eh nagda-drama?
HAHA, sorry naman ah. Pansin ko kasi, unti-unti ng nawawala yung mga crush ko. Kung hindi nagpapakita, umaalis na, o di kaya mabalitaan ko na lang may jowa na. And yes, my "kuya" was right when he told me that my JH seems to be inlove recently, and confirmed, he's now in a relationship.
Kanina naman, I saw my crush (another crush, the cosplayer) with my batchmate and former colleague. I told my friend that I rarely see him in our place, and he replied that my crush quitted already.
Bakit ganun? Lahat na lang eh nawawala. Pati si Ricky, di ko na rin madalas makita though nakasama ko rin sila nina HZL and 5 sa ibat-ibang assignments. Am I really destined to be FOREVER ALONE?
I was all alone last Sunday in Gateway Cubao. To kill my boredom, I played basketball and took pictures of me in a photobooth. Yan ang SINGLE< independent! Wait, ikamamatay ko ba kung di ko na makikita yung mga crush ko? Hey! I survived 4 months na di ko nakikita si TR ah! HAHA. And I will really miss my bud since he's always with me whenever I was assigned to cover games. Iba pa rin ang single sa may kempet na.
Affected ba talaga ako o atat lang sa buhay. I dont see myself in a relationship for the next 2 years. I also consider to take NMAT next year and if God permits, enter a Med school and pursue my dream to be a pediatric-cardiologist. Mahirap magka-jowa sa med school ah! :DD
Im happy for my partner-in-cover's new life, we'll maybe I should look for something that will tickle my mind (tama ba?). For now, I should do well in our NCA and Nursing Research. I fear that I will get failing grades and yet fell short in 2.5 GWA. And as Ate Chin reminds me always, THINK POSITIVE. You'll attract the positive vibes and might pass subjects because of my optimistic character and mind :)
--back to my T&F bebe article :D
HAHA, sorry naman ah. Pansin ko kasi, unti-unti ng nawawala yung mga crush ko. Kung hindi nagpapakita, umaalis na, o di kaya mabalitaan ko na lang may jowa na. And yes, my "kuya" was right when he told me that my JH seems to be inlove recently, and confirmed, he's now in a relationship.
Kanina naman, I saw my crush (another crush, the cosplayer) with my batchmate and former colleague. I told my friend that I rarely see him in our place, and he replied that my crush quitted already.
Bakit ganun? Lahat na lang eh nawawala. Pati si Ricky, di ko na rin madalas makita though nakasama ko rin sila nina HZL and 5 sa ibat-ibang assignments. Am I really destined to be FOREVER ALONE?
I was all alone last Sunday in Gateway Cubao. To kill my boredom, I played basketball and took pictures of me in a photobooth. Yan ang SINGLE< independent! Wait, ikamamatay ko ba kung di ko na makikita yung mga crush ko? Hey! I survived 4 months na di ko nakikita si TR ah! HAHA. And I will really miss my bud since he's always with me whenever I was assigned to cover games. Iba pa rin ang single sa may kempet na.
Affected ba talaga ako o atat lang sa buhay. I dont see myself in a relationship for the next 2 years. I also consider to take NMAT next year and if God permits, enter a Med school and pursue my dream to be a pediatric-cardiologist. Mahirap magka-jowa sa med school ah! :DD
Im happy for my partner-in-cover's new life, we'll maybe I should look for something that will tickle my mind (tama ba?). For now, I should do well in our NCA and Nursing Research. I fear that I will get failing grades and yet fell short in 2.5 GWA. And as Ate Chin reminds me always, THINK POSITIVE. You'll attract the positive vibes and might pass subjects because of my optimistic character and mind :)
--back to my T&F bebe article :D
Friday, February 17, 2012
effin laptop. effin ms word. effin black out!
ERR! Sarap ihampas ng laptop ko. The f*ck! Letche lang, ganadong ganado akong gawin yung article ko tapos pag-open ko, walang laman! The hell! Sayang yung pinaghirapan kong lead na hindi ko na maalala kung paano ko nagawa.
Kung kelan ka ginaganahan at kung kelan importante, dun pa lahat ng disaster. Malay ko ba na di ko nasave kanina. Ansakit lang, wala akong tulog kanina. Masaya ako na 40% done na ako tapos back to 0 na naman ako. KAINEEEEEEES!
---Sorry, di ako makasigaw dito sa bahay kaya dito muna ako mag-iingay.
Kung kelan ka ginaganahan at kung kelan importante, dun pa lahat ng disaster. Malay ko ba na di ko nasave kanina. Ansakit lang, wala akong tulog kanina. Masaya ako na 40% done na ako tapos back to 0 na naman ako. KAINEEEEEEES!
---Sorry, di ako makasigaw dito sa bahay kaya dito muna ako mag-iingay.
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Breathe *
I started my day with Volleyball, haha, di kasi ako pumasok ng NOL eh :D
I was with Ate Reich Makayan today because she invited me to watch Volleyball with her. I wasn't supposed to watch, but since malakas sakin si Ate-slash-Tita Reich, eh sumama na rin ako :) We watched Volleyball, and talked during the game. Iba talaga pag Nursing ang nagsama, madaldal :))) After the game, the whole Advocate members who watched and covered (Cindy, Yon, Meyor, Kuya Ram, Don) and the Zwitterion Editors (my sib Jaimer and his co-ed Romeo) gathered outside the dug-out. So parang nagkulitan lang kaming lahat dun then interviewed Coach Nes. Isinabay na rin kami ni Sir Ian pabalik ng FEU. We all had a nice talk and was able to reflect ourselves since Advo alums yung nagsasalita samin. I realized many things and sana magbago na ako. :)
Then, we spent some time sa Advo office with Ate Reich pa rin and then she helped me with my article about track and field. We also roamed around FEU and ate dinner at McDo. Nagkwentuhan kami for almost an hour and bumalik ng office. After that, me and Ate Reich talked. Iba pala pag kapwa IN mo yung kausap mo and at the same time naiintindihan ka niya kasi pareho kayo ng pinagdaanan and naisshare din niya yung mga napagdaanan niya noon na pwede kong maexperience ngayon. I feel so relieved kasi nakahanap ako ng taong naiintindihan ako. Nailabas ko yung lahat ng gusto kong sabihin pati yung guilt sa puso ko. I saw June Ace na palabas ng LB, since super guilty ako sa pagiging cause of delay ko, I hugged him and said sorry. Nagui-guilty ako na late ako, and alam kong he's not in a good mood last night. Parang gusto kong maiyak kanina so i hugged him tight, and I felt that he's not just my editor, my friend, but an elder brother who's younger than me but acts more matured than I am. I thank him for being so understanding, kaya I must do my best before this sem ends.
DILEMMA: di ko nagawa yung RRL ko. So, kelangan kong gumawa ng palusot bukas :"D gagawa na lang ako ng iba para makapag-compensate dun sa pagiging late ko. And because of that, i'm gonna pay 170 pesos. ANG MAHAL! Well, buti yun lang yun :D So bukas, papasok ako ng NOL! K! :)))))
go back to work lhea! :)
I was with Ate Reich Makayan today because she invited me to watch Volleyball with her. I wasn't supposed to watch, but since malakas sakin si Ate-slash-Tita Reich, eh sumama na rin ako :) We watched Volleyball, and talked during the game. Iba talaga pag Nursing ang nagsama, madaldal :))) After the game, the whole Advocate members who watched and covered (Cindy, Yon, Meyor, Kuya Ram, Don) and the Zwitterion Editors (my sib Jaimer and his co-ed Romeo) gathered outside the dug-out. So parang nagkulitan lang kaming lahat dun then interviewed Coach Nes. Isinabay na rin kami ni Sir Ian pabalik ng FEU. We all had a nice talk and was able to reflect ourselves since Advo alums yung nagsasalita samin. I realized many things and sana magbago na ako. :)
Then, we spent some time sa Advo office with Ate Reich pa rin and then she helped me with my article about track and field. We also roamed around FEU and ate dinner at McDo. Nagkwentuhan kami for almost an hour and bumalik ng office. After that, me and Ate Reich talked. Iba pala pag kapwa IN mo yung kausap mo and at the same time naiintindihan ka niya kasi pareho kayo ng pinagdaanan and naisshare din niya yung mga napagdaanan niya noon na pwede kong maexperience ngayon. I feel so relieved kasi nakahanap ako ng taong naiintindihan ako. Nailabas ko yung lahat ng gusto kong sabihin pati yung guilt sa puso ko. I saw June Ace na palabas ng LB, since super guilty ako sa pagiging cause of delay ko, I hugged him and said sorry. Nagui-guilty ako na late ako, and alam kong he's not in a good mood last night. Parang gusto kong maiyak kanina so i hugged him tight, and I felt that he's not just my editor, my friend, but an elder brother who's younger than me but acts more matured than I am. I thank him for being so understanding, kaya I must do my best before this sem ends.
DILEMMA: di ko nagawa yung RRL ko. So, kelangan kong gumawa ng palusot bukas :"D gagawa na lang ako ng iba para makapag-compensate dun sa pagiging late ko. And because of that, i'm gonna pay 170 pesos. ANG MAHAL! Well, buti yun lang yun :D So bukas, papasok ako ng NOL! K! :)))))
go back to work lhea! :)
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
*inhale exhale
Im sorry blogspot, andito na naman ako para magsumbong sayo.
This day is not so PUSH. It's not because of Valentines Day, nor I don't have any date and we have hospital duty. Feeling ko, mentally stressed na ata ako.
Hindi ko mapipigilan kung umapaw na yung stress sa utak ko. sinong hindi maiistress sa pasyenteng naninigaw? tapos ke simple-simple ng case niya na Normal Delivery eh daig pa ang nagka-craniotomy sa sobrang pangto-toxic samin? Partida eh nurse pa yun so dapat maiintindihan nya kami, kaso hindi eh. Pati resident doctors sinisigawan, daig pa ang bata kung maka-daing na masakit mag-insert ng IV catheter. Ano ba? Tapos tatakbo-takbo ka para ireport na ganito-ganyan yung sabi ng patient mo.
Next, yung ibang groupmates ko na hindi mo mautusan. Mas masipag pa mag-Temple Run kesa mag-check ng IV, mag-VS, mag-admit ng patient, o tumakbo-takbo para utusan. Wow lang talaga. Konting sipag naman, consideration, and makialam naman sila kung ano na ginagawa nung iba. Sa dami namin, dalawa na yung pasyente ko. Di naman ako nagrereklamo o nagmamayabang sa kanila, sana man lang magkaroon sila ng initiative na sila na yung gumawa nung ibang bagay. Naka-milyon na sila sa temple run, naka-milyong ulit na kami ng charting, pabalik-balik sa pasyente, mag-interview para sa case pres. Tapos kung kelan magsasalita ka, babarahin ka pa. Grabeng kabastusan lang.
So talagang wala ako sa mood ngayon, nagsama-sama na lahat. Tapos nag-effort kang pumunta ng Morayta para bumili lang ng card at flowers, tapos sisisihin ka pa na sana sa Dangwa na lang. Eh sorry naman, makikipag-siksikan pa ako dun eh naka-clinical pa ako.
May isang kilala ako na wala rin sa mood, and since sabi niya na wala rin daw siya sa mood na makipag-usap, parang ganun na rin ako. Ewan ko, nakisabay na rin ako sa kanya. Instead na yun yung magiging driving force ko para gawin yung mga di ko pa nagagawa, tinatamad na ako.
Naisip ko lang habang nagbblog ako, medyo ambigat talaga ng pakiramdam ko. teka, me KONEK ba to sa hindi ko pag breakfast at lunch kanina tapos diretso duty? Mantakin mo yun?
Kailangan kong magfocus muna sa mga kelangan kong gawin. Since di ako pupunta ng Arena bukas, after 3pm NOL, uwi na agad ako. Wala akong rason para mag-stay pa sa FEU bukas. Kung pwede lang wag pumasok eh. Ambigat lang talaga ng pakiramdam ko. Di ako tinatrangkaso or anything, wala namang masyadong keme sa emotional stress to, mental stress lang talaga. Natatakot ako at baka maiwan ako sa NCMH sa birthday ko (Feb 27 duty namin dun) at mag-rehab.
I do have a lot of problems. Di porke ngumingiti ako, masaya ako. Di porke maingay ako, ganun din ako ka-lively. Gusto ko lang ng katahimikan, na wala akong maririnig kundi yung sarili ko lang. Pinaplastik ko na ata sarili ko. Nakakatamad na rin maging madaldal minsan, parang di ko rin nailalabas lahat ng gusto kong sabigin. Random man yung mga sinasabi ko, yung iba dun, may hugot naman.
matanda na ako. 19 na this coming 27. Andami ko ng naiisip at nare-realize. Naiiyak lang ako kasi despite na maraming tao sa paligid ko, mag-isa pa rin ako. Parang incomplete pa rin ako. Nawawalan ako ng driving force para gawin ang isang bagay. But since nakausap ko si papa 3 days ago, siya na lang ang iniisip ko. Yes, dalawa na lang kami ng dad ko. I should be striving not just for me, but also for him. Takot akong mag-fail sa anumang bagay. Takot akong mag-fail. Malayo na narating ko, di ako pwedeng sumuko. Ilang araw na lang, ilang linggo, ilang buwan na lang. Yung future na pinapangarap ko, para na lang ngayon kay papa. Yung pagiging disciplined and pagiging mabuting bata yung maibibigay ko naman kina lola and mommy. Di ako pwedeng maging mahina sa mga panahong ganito. Andito na ako eh, malapit na.
Nakakatawa lang, tinanong ako ni Papa kung may boyfriend na raw ako since 19 na raw ako. Then sinabi ko na wala na nga akong oras para sa sarili ko, nakakalimutan ko na mag-breakfast at lunch, tapos di na nakakapasok sa NOL dahil sa pagod sa duty, tinatamad akong makipag-usap sa bahay or makipagtext and andami ko pang problema (acads, personal, family, finance) tapos magsa-sideline pa ako ng jowa? And after nun, todo iyak naman ako dahil sa pag-eelaborate ko ng mga problema ko. I do pity my father, andami rin ng problema niya. I remember someone na nagsabi sa'kin na "Alam kong marami ka ng problema, nakakadagdag pa ako". I dont want to add problems to my dad, nagpapasalamat na lang ako na pinalaki ako ng maayos nina Nanay at Lola kaya pagdating sa self discipline, di na namomroblema si Papa. kahit na bilang sa daliri ko kung ilang beses kami nagkasama ni Papa, at kahit di niya ako super kilala (kilala lang niya ako bilang madaldal, makwento, iyakin, siga, nanay's girl, spoiled brat ni lolo, achiever, friendly), malaki tiwala niya sakin, kaya ayoko rin masira yun.
Eto na ata siguro yung darkest period ng buhay ko. Parang wala akong matakbuhan. Wala na akong yayakapin bago matulog at iiyakan. Wala ng magsasabi sa akin kapag umiiyak ako na "Tama na. Para kang namatayan sa kaiiyak mo."
LHEA... inhale exhale. Parang wa epek din. Itulog mo na lang, kaso andami ko pang gagawin. Nagkasabay-sabay na lahat. After t&f, isa na lang at goodbye na. Konting tiis na lang, di na ako makakatulog sa malamig at malamok na sahig dahil nakatulog na pala ako dun sa pagod.
Bata pa rin ako sa paningin ko kaso kelangan ko na mag-move on. 19 na ako, matanda na ako. Kailangang matuto na ako maging independent. Kaya ko ng i-solve yung problema ko ng ako lang.
Sorry talaga ulit blogger, nagmistulang open diary slash punching bag na kita. Kailangan ko ng baguhin ang sarili ko, tama na ang "okey lang", "i understand", "sige lang", "no problem", dapat matuto na akong tumanggi at lumaban para sa sarili ko. Wala akong mapapala lagi akong "okey lang", kasi natututo lang yung ibang tao na maging feeling superior at gagawin kang inferior, lahat ng blame nasayo, ikaw gagawa lahat. Parang ganito lang yan, pareho kaming staff nurse, pero daig pa niyang doktor kung maging superior, tinotolerate ko naman kasi eh.
hello there stressors, thank you ulit ah. Hanggang February na lang kayo. After ng birthday ko, March na, then bakasyon grande na :D
This day is not so PUSH. It's not because of Valentines Day, nor I don't have any date and we have hospital duty. Feeling ko, mentally stressed na ata ako.
Hindi ko mapipigilan kung umapaw na yung stress sa utak ko. sinong hindi maiistress sa pasyenteng naninigaw? tapos ke simple-simple ng case niya na Normal Delivery eh daig pa ang nagka-craniotomy sa sobrang pangto-toxic samin? Partida eh nurse pa yun so dapat maiintindihan nya kami, kaso hindi eh. Pati resident doctors sinisigawan, daig pa ang bata kung maka-daing na masakit mag-insert ng IV catheter. Ano ba? Tapos tatakbo-takbo ka para ireport na ganito-ganyan yung sabi ng patient mo.
Next, yung ibang groupmates ko na hindi mo mautusan. Mas masipag pa mag-Temple Run kesa mag-check ng IV, mag-VS, mag-admit ng patient, o tumakbo-takbo para utusan. Wow lang talaga. Konting sipag naman, consideration, and makialam naman sila kung ano na ginagawa nung iba. Sa dami namin, dalawa na yung pasyente ko. Di naman ako nagrereklamo o nagmamayabang sa kanila, sana man lang magkaroon sila ng initiative na sila na yung gumawa nung ibang bagay. Naka-milyon na sila sa temple run, naka-milyong ulit na kami ng charting, pabalik-balik sa pasyente, mag-interview para sa case pres. Tapos kung kelan magsasalita ka, babarahin ka pa. Grabeng kabastusan lang.
So talagang wala ako sa mood ngayon, nagsama-sama na lahat. Tapos nag-effort kang pumunta ng Morayta para bumili lang ng card at flowers, tapos sisisihin ka pa na sana sa Dangwa na lang. Eh sorry naman, makikipag-siksikan pa ako dun eh naka-clinical pa ako.
May isang kilala ako na wala rin sa mood, and since sabi niya na wala rin daw siya sa mood na makipag-usap, parang ganun na rin ako. Ewan ko, nakisabay na rin ako sa kanya. Instead na yun yung magiging driving force ko para gawin yung mga di ko pa nagagawa, tinatamad na ako.
Naisip ko lang habang nagbblog ako, medyo ambigat talaga ng pakiramdam ko. teka, me KONEK ba to sa hindi ko pag breakfast at lunch kanina tapos diretso duty? Mantakin mo yun?
Kailangan kong magfocus muna sa mga kelangan kong gawin. Since di ako pupunta ng Arena bukas, after 3pm NOL, uwi na agad ako. Wala akong rason para mag-stay pa sa FEU bukas. Kung pwede lang wag pumasok eh. Ambigat lang talaga ng pakiramdam ko. Di ako tinatrangkaso or anything, wala namang masyadong keme sa emotional stress to, mental stress lang talaga. Natatakot ako at baka maiwan ako sa NCMH sa birthday ko (Feb 27 duty namin dun) at mag-rehab.
I do have a lot of problems. Di porke ngumingiti ako, masaya ako. Di porke maingay ako, ganun din ako ka-lively. Gusto ko lang ng katahimikan, na wala akong maririnig kundi yung sarili ko lang. Pinaplastik ko na ata sarili ko. Nakakatamad na rin maging madaldal minsan, parang di ko rin nailalabas lahat ng gusto kong sabigin. Random man yung mga sinasabi ko, yung iba dun, may hugot naman.
matanda na ako. 19 na this coming 27. Andami ko ng naiisip at nare-realize. Naiiyak lang ako kasi despite na maraming tao sa paligid ko, mag-isa pa rin ako. Parang incomplete pa rin ako. Nawawalan ako ng driving force para gawin ang isang bagay. But since nakausap ko si papa 3 days ago, siya na lang ang iniisip ko. Yes, dalawa na lang kami ng dad ko. I should be striving not just for me, but also for him. Takot akong mag-fail sa anumang bagay. Takot akong mag-fail. Malayo na narating ko, di ako pwedeng sumuko. Ilang araw na lang, ilang linggo, ilang buwan na lang. Yung future na pinapangarap ko, para na lang ngayon kay papa. Yung pagiging disciplined and pagiging mabuting bata yung maibibigay ko naman kina lola and mommy. Di ako pwedeng maging mahina sa mga panahong ganito. Andito na ako eh, malapit na.
Nakakatawa lang, tinanong ako ni Papa kung may boyfriend na raw ako since 19 na raw ako. Then sinabi ko na wala na nga akong oras para sa sarili ko, nakakalimutan ko na mag-breakfast at lunch, tapos di na nakakapasok sa NOL dahil sa pagod sa duty, tinatamad akong makipag-usap sa bahay or makipagtext and andami ko pang problema (acads, personal, family, finance) tapos magsa-sideline pa ako ng jowa? And after nun, todo iyak naman ako dahil sa pag-eelaborate ko ng mga problema ko. I do pity my father, andami rin ng problema niya. I remember someone na nagsabi sa'kin na "Alam kong marami ka ng problema, nakakadagdag pa ako". I dont want to add problems to my dad, nagpapasalamat na lang ako na pinalaki ako ng maayos nina Nanay at Lola kaya pagdating sa self discipline, di na namomroblema si Papa. kahit na bilang sa daliri ko kung ilang beses kami nagkasama ni Papa, at kahit di niya ako super kilala (kilala lang niya ako bilang madaldal, makwento, iyakin, siga, nanay's girl, spoiled brat ni lolo, achiever, friendly), malaki tiwala niya sakin, kaya ayoko rin masira yun.
Eto na ata siguro yung darkest period ng buhay ko. Parang wala akong matakbuhan. Wala na akong yayakapin bago matulog at iiyakan. Wala ng magsasabi sa akin kapag umiiyak ako na "Tama na. Para kang namatayan sa kaiiyak mo."
LHEA... inhale exhale. Parang wa epek din. Itulog mo na lang, kaso andami ko pang gagawin. Nagkasabay-sabay na lahat. After t&f, isa na lang at goodbye na. Konting tiis na lang, di na ako makakatulog sa malamig at malamok na sahig dahil nakatulog na pala ako dun sa pagod.
Bata pa rin ako sa paningin ko kaso kelangan ko na mag-move on. 19 na ako, matanda na ako. Kailangang matuto na ako maging independent. Kaya ko ng i-solve yung problema ko ng ako lang.
Sorry talaga ulit blogger, nagmistulang open diary slash punching bag na kita. Kailangan ko ng baguhin ang sarili ko, tama na ang "okey lang", "i understand", "sige lang", "no problem", dapat matuto na akong tumanggi at lumaban para sa sarili ko. Wala akong mapapala lagi akong "okey lang", kasi natututo lang yung ibang tao na maging feeling superior at gagawin kang inferior, lahat ng blame nasayo, ikaw gagawa lahat. Parang ganito lang yan, pareho kaming staff nurse, pero daig pa niyang doktor kung maging superior, tinotolerate ko naman kasi eh.
hello there stressors, thank you ulit ah. Hanggang February na lang kayo. After ng birthday ko, March na, then bakasyon grande na :D
Sunday, February 12, 2012
STOP!... Wait!... Oh my gosh.
kahit na gustong-gusto ko ng i-blog ang adventures ko kahapon, eh di pa pwede. Haaaaayh, marami pang kekemehin. Si Bebe Sports, si Bebe Infocus, si Bebe Duty, si Bebe Research-slash-Thesis, at si Bebe PROBLEMS.
Andami kong anak no? Haha. Basta ayun, I had fun yesterday with Ate Mona and Meyor. Super saya kasi nanalo ang FEU Track and Field Team. 8-PEAT for Womens and Back-to-Back for men's. 'Twas fun to cover T&F kasi iilan lang yung nanunuod compared to Basketball. I do admire outdoor events, since track and field alalay ako nung high school, especially sa mga records and other stuffs.
Though it was raining, buti na lang di kami nagkasakit. I had my picture taken with my foster dad. HAHA< finally may tatay na ako sa FEU! :))) Namana ko yung smile niya, and may evidence ako dyan. O sha, Infocus, SPorts and Duty muna yung kekemehin ko ngayon. :))))
Friday, February 10, 2012
One big check for a day well done!
My day started at 7am since nagreview ako for PolSci. Revenge ang ganap ko dahil gusto kong bumawi sa fail Prelims ko. Then nakaramdam ako ng antok so I slept again. I woke up at 11:30 am (in my phone) then saw a shocking text from Eli na "proclamation na!"
Lhea as the Bangag Person
Bilang bangag pa ako, BIHIS agad para pumunta ng FEU. Pagdating ko, dumiretso agad ako sa Freedom Park to interview IABF Sandigan President. Since alone lang ako, I decided to go to Advo office to look for a photographer and my partner, Sam. Habang nagmamadali akong maglakad along LB covered walks, nakita ko sina Russel (Escoto) and Mike (Tolomia) na nakaupo just like the other students (hindi po sila pinagkakaguluhan kanina), so hindi ko na sila pinansin pero alam kong nakita nila akong bangag na naglalakad ng mabilis sa tapat nila na mukhang wala sa sarili.
Good thing, nakita ko si Nikko sa may EB so hinatak ko na siya para ma-picture-an yung sa assignment ko. Ayun nga, kami na naman ang magkasama ngayong election just like last year. We headed first sa Lovers Lane para alamin yung ganap dun then diretso FP para interviewhin si Marvin Santiago. Sandali lang yung stay ko dun since kina Kuya Mosh ako nagpaalam for interview (and I think kilala na ata niya ako). The interview went smoothly. Seems that Mr. Santiago was ready to answer my question. I didn't hear any vocal fillers during my interview. And after Nikko took them pictures, we left and thanked them. Back to Lovers Lane, and kasama na namin sina Dairen, Buts, Cindy. Since wala yung partner ko, it still my task na interviewhin yung naka-assign sa kanya. (ba't ganun? every year na lang akong walang kasama?). So it's Ms. Pelino whom Im going to interview next but someone intervened while the former delivers her answer. And that respectable guy (hmm, nakakaramdam ako na baka ma-infocus tong post ko na 'to. DISCLAIMER: (from a very known person's blog [just finished reading his controversial post])When I'm blogging, I'm just an ordinary student.) asked for a 5 minutes thinking time for Ms. Pelino's preparation to answer my question and added "dati naman kasi, binigyan din ako ng 5 minutes to think". And yes, knowing me naman, I said "Okey lang", but honestly I find it unfair. I already did a lot of ambush interviews in my life, pwedeng hindi ako ready sa itatanong ko at hindi ready yung iinterviewhin ko sa isasagot niya. Yes, this one's different, kaso nga kung di lang rude sabihin na "Ate, yung kalaban mo nga in promptu sumagot eh, papakabog ka ba?". I gave her time & she exceeded my 5-minute limit. Then I asked her if she's ready, she said yes and asked if we have quotas in the length of answers. To my surprise, she just prepared a two-sentence long answer. Gaah, I waited for 10 minutes just to answer me in 2 sentences? To clear things up, I dont have any grudges with this person, I just find her weird, including the other guy. Last year, wala naman akong naexperience na ganyan, all of them answered me in promptu, and lastly I dont support any party (Im a non-partisan student ever since I stepped in FEU). And we started, that respectable guy intervened again, checking the president's grammar (excuse me, would you mind to leave us ALONE?), like "any" that might be transcribed by Advo as "ENY" (are we that SLOW?). When me finished the interview, may pahabol pa si Kuya, "isasama ba yung mga umm dyan?", and I told him na hindi. Well sorry, kasama pala, late ko lang nalaman :)
And after that walk-run-ask-talk work, Im back as a Nursing student
The Worried ME
Yes, Psych Nursing kami ngayon and this concept is kinda intriguing because some of us (maybe all?) exhibits mental illness. HAHA, kidding. But actually, im interested with this concept. We reviewed neuro and psych then studied the Ego defense mechanism, then I fall in Intellectualization, and Rationalization. :))) i got 8 out of 10 in our quiz. Yeay!
And after our class, I went back to Advo again :)
TROLOLOL
And I continued my work in the office and ate my brunch. Juneys and I talked about the upcoming covers then sinamahan ko siya sa athletics department. Pag-akyat namin, nagpa-practice yung Mens Basketball (may Fr. Martin's pala sila ngayon) and nung pababa na kami, ngumiti sakin si Coach Bert (whom my former barkadas call as dad, di namin alam na head coach siya dati) and I smiled and nodded. Pagbaba namin, nakasalubong ko sina Pat, Kuya Alexis and Don (wala nga lang si Ralph, kundi eh kumpleto na sina Pat at Kuya Tud, and itutuloy yung pambi-bitch sakin). :D So nag-photowalk kaming apat and kinukulit ako ni Don tungkol sa isang bagay. Medyo nakulitan nga ako and lumabas yung pagka-childish and katigasan ng ulo ko pati na yung pagiging wafakels ko, insensitivity and iniisip ko lang sarili ko. After that photowalk, we agreed to play basketball at St. Thomas. Don won with 103 points, I with 100 pts, Pat with 97 and Kuya Tud with <40 pts. :))
Pagbalik ng school, they were talking about photoshoot and I texted my friend kung pwede siya magmodel. Good thing, di maarte and game sa lahat ng bagay si Marvin Alfaro. Nung nag-gather na kami sa FP with Pat, Jude, Don, Cindy, and Yon, dumating din sina Kat and Tin (kumpleto ang SPORTS!). Kanya kanya ng text ng models and to the extent na nanghatak kami. :)) Pinuntahan ko pa si Kuya jammas na kung pwede eh wag niya munang diligan yung lawn betw. LL and FP. Ayun, test shot muna kami nina Don and Yon then actual shot na with the models. Twas fun kasi masaya rin yung mga models namin. Kahit na di sila magkakakilala, naging close sila dahil dun sa shoot. Then, kahit na pagod na ako and may exam pa, hyper pa rin ako :))) I wanna thank my ever-handsome blockmate Marvin Alfaro, malaki utang na loob ko sa kanya. Siya lang kasi naiisip kong pwede for IN eh, and siya lang din ka-close ko :D
Back to freakin NB :D
Pagdating ko ng NB, palabas pa lang yung classmates ko from History and then I entered to submit the papers to mam. Good thing, she's not angry though she asked me why I was absent. I just told her that I have something important to attend (IDK kung ilan na absences ko sa History?). I received my paper and i got **%. Yeah, my exam grade increased by 19%. Awesome! gotta review more next time!
And here comes PolSci exam. Medyo nainis lang ako sa 1st part, since that was my favorite and those were the exact questions that mam gave us during our quiz! naguluhan lang ako bigla. Well, Im just hoping na tumaas pa grades ko :)
The Aftermath
After the exams, balik office ulit and nag-picture taking ang Bobey Soc. haha, very election ang peg :))
-----
Dun sa post ni Cindy na di raw niya kami nakakausap ni June Ace recently, medyo di ko naman ramdam. IDK but baka siguro eh marami akong nakakausap kaya di ko napapansin kung may di man ako nakakausap for the day, unless may sasabihin akong importante. Ang napapansin ko lang kasi ngayon, madalas siyang mawala, and I'm always left with the guys sa office kaya sila naman ang iniistorbo ko :DD
Gotta sleep! May NurRes pa bukas :D
Lhea as the Bangag Person
Bilang bangag pa ako, BIHIS agad para pumunta ng FEU. Pagdating ko, dumiretso agad ako sa Freedom Park to interview IABF Sandigan President. Since alone lang ako, I decided to go to Advo office to look for a photographer and my partner, Sam. Habang nagmamadali akong maglakad along LB covered walks, nakita ko sina Russel (Escoto) and Mike (Tolomia) na nakaupo just like the other students (hindi po sila pinagkakaguluhan kanina), so hindi ko na sila pinansin pero alam kong nakita nila akong bangag na naglalakad ng mabilis sa tapat nila na mukhang wala sa sarili.
Good thing, nakita ko si Nikko sa may EB so hinatak ko na siya para ma-picture-an yung sa assignment ko. Ayun nga, kami na naman ang magkasama ngayong election just like last year. We headed first sa Lovers Lane para alamin yung ganap dun then diretso FP para interviewhin si Marvin Santiago. Sandali lang yung stay ko dun since kina Kuya Mosh ako nagpaalam for interview (and I think kilala na ata niya ako). The interview went smoothly. Seems that Mr. Santiago was ready to answer my question. I didn't hear any vocal fillers during my interview. And after Nikko took them pictures, we left and thanked them. Back to Lovers Lane, and kasama na namin sina Dairen, Buts, Cindy. Since wala yung partner ko, it still my task na interviewhin yung naka-assign sa kanya. (ba't ganun? every year na lang akong walang kasama?). So it's Ms. Pelino whom Im going to interview next but someone intervened while the former delivers her answer. And that respectable guy (hmm, nakakaramdam ako na baka ma-infocus tong post ko na 'to. DISCLAIMER: (from a very known person's blog [just finished reading his controversial post])When I'm blogging, I'm just an ordinary student.) asked for a 5 minutes thinking time for Ms. Pelino's preparation to answer my question and added "dati naman kasi, binigyan din ako ng 5 minutes to think". And yes, knowing me naman, I said "Okey lang", but honestly I find it unfair. I already did a lot of ambush interviews in my life, pwedeng hindi ako ready sa itatanong ko at hindi ready yung iinterviewhin ko sa isasagot niya. Yes, this one's different, kaso nga kung di lang rude sabihin na "Ate, yung kalaban mo nga in promptu sumagot eh, papakabog ka ba?". I gave her time & she exceeded my 5-minute limit. Then I asked her if she's ready, she said yes and asked if we have quotas in the length of answers. To my surprise, she just prepared a two-sentence long answer. Gaah, I waited for 10 minutes just to answer me in 2 sentences? To clear things up, I dont have any grudges with this person, I just find her weird, including the other guy. Last year, wala naman akong naexperience na ganyan, all of them answered me in promptu, and lastly I dont support any party (Im a non-partisan student ever since I stepped in FEU). And we started, that respectable guy intervened again, checking the president's grammar (excuse me, would you mind to leave us ALONE?), like "any" that might be transcribed by Advo as "ENY" (are we that SLOW?). When me finished the interview, may pahabol pa si Kuya, "isasama ba yung mga umm dyan?", and I told him na hindi. Well sorry, kasama pala, late ko lang nalaman :)
And after that walk-run-ask-talk work, Im back as a Nursing student
The Worried ME
Yes, Psych Nursing kami ngayon and this concept is kinda intriguing because some of us (maybe all?) exhibits mental illness. HAHA, kidding. But actually, im interested with this concept. We reviewed neuro and psych then studied the Ego defense mechanism, then I fall in Intellectualization, and Rationalization. :))) i got 8 out of 10 in our quiz. Yeay!
And after our class, I went back to Advo again :)
TROLOLOL
And I continued my work in the office and ate my brunch. Juneys and I talked about the upcoming covers then sinamahan ko siya sa athletics department. Pag-akyat namin, nagpa-practice yung Mens Basketball (may Fr. Martin's pala sila ngayon) and nung pababa na kami, ngumiti sakin si Coach Bert (whom my former barkadas call as dad, di namin alam na head coach siya dati) and I smiled and nodded. Pagbaba namin, nakasalubong ko sina Pat, Kuya Alexis and Don (wala nga lang si Ralph, kundi eh kumpleto na sina Pat at Kuya Tud, and itutuloy yung pambi-bitch sakin). :D So nag-photowalk kaming apat and kinukulit ako ni Don tungkol sa isang bagay. Medyo nakulitan nga ako and lumabas yung pagka-childish and katigasan ng ulo ko pati na yung pagiging wafakels ko, insensitivity and iniisip ko lang sarili ko. After that photowalk, we agreed to play basketball at St. Thomas. Don won with 103 points, I with 100 pts, Pat with 97 and Kuya Tud with <40 pts. :))
Pagbalik ng school, they were talking about photoshoot and I texted my friend kung pwede siya magmodel. Good thing, di maarte and game sa lahat ng bagay si Marvin Alfaro. Nung nag-gather na kami sa FP with Pat, Jude, Don, Cindy, and Yon, dumating din sina Kat and Tin (kumpleto ang SPORTS!). Kanya kanya ng text ng models and to the extent na nanghatak kami. :)) Pinuntahan ko pa si Kuya jammas na kung pwede eh wag niya munang diligan yung lawn betw. LL and FP. Ayun, test shot muna kami nina Don and Yon then actual shot na with the models. Twas fun kasi masaya rin yung mga models namin. Kahit na di sila magkakakilala, naging close sila dahil dun sa shoot. Then, kahit na pagod na ako and may exam pa, hyper pa rin ako :))) I wanna thank my ever-handsome blockmate Marvin Alfaro, malaki utang na loob ko sa kanya. Siya lang kasi naiisip kong pwede for IN eh, and siya lang din ka-close ko :D
Back to freakin NB :D
Pagdating ko ng NB, palabas pa lang yung classmates ko from History and then I entered to submit the papers to mam. Good thing, she's not angry though she asked me why I was absent. I just told her that I have something important to attend (IDK kung ilan na absences ko sa History?). I received my paper and i got **%. Yeah, my exam grade increased by 19%. Awesome! gotta review more next time!
And here comes PolSci exam. Medyo nainis lang ako sa 1st part, since that was my favorite and those were the exact questions that mam gave us during our quiz! naguluhan lang ako bigla. Well, Im just hoping na tumaas pa grades ko :)
The Aftermath
After the exams, balik office ulit and nag-picture taking ang Bobey Soc. haha, very election ang peg :))
-----
Dun sa post ni Cindy na di raw niya kami nakakausap ni June Ace recently, medyo di ko naman ramdam. IDK but baka siguro eh marami akong nakakausap kaya di ko napapansin kung may di man ako nakakausap for the day, unless may sasabihin akong importante. Ang napapansin ko lang kasi ngayon, madalas siyang mawala, and I'm always left with the guys sa office kaya sila naman ang iniistorbo ko :DD
Gotta sleep! May NurRes pa bukas :D
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